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It's Official: Everything About College Football Sucks




Especially the “defensive coordinators fucking children” part

College football is easily the biggest trainwreck in sports. For one thing, it’s a system where rich, white Southern men get rich exploiting mostly black men who get no money for their services. It also has the godawful BCS system, ensuring the championship game will be picked by a computer, and the second a team loses one game, they’re season might as well be over. Also, it takes 4 goddamn hours to play a game because of that fucking stupid rule where the clock stops after a first down. To put it lightly, college football doesn’t have all that much going for it.

But hey, at least there’s never been a coach who went around fucking little kids or anything, right? Oh, wait….

Sandusky, seen here, wishing he became a priest

Yes, this week the formerly respected Penn State program saw all of its alleged honor and glory go up in flames when it was revealed that Jerry Sandusky, the team’s defensive coordinator had been molesting children for years. This alone would be enough to send a shock throughout the entire sports world but it doesn’t end there. The Penn State athletic department knew about this for years and never reported it. Also, Sandusky continued to run camps for kids long after they found out. My favorite part of the story? Sandusky actually wrote a self-aggrandizing memoir telling us how great he was for helping those poor children. The title? Touched. No seriously. That’s way too obvious for me to make up.

Obviously, this effects of this revelation are going to be enormous. For one thing, who the fuck is going to want to go to Penn State now? Even if the pedophile and all those who enabled him are gone, who’s going to want to go to Kid Fucker University? I imagine Duke’s lacrosse program is more popular at this point.

The most-talked-about effect is how it completely ruins the legacy of Joe Paterno, the walking corpse who has coached Penn State since 1966. Even the most cynical sports fan liked JoePa. He just seemed like a nice old man, always smiling, never taking things quite as deadly serious as the other coaches. Now, however, he’ll be known as nothing more as “the guy who knew who his defensive coordinator was molesting children and didn’t stop it.” Sure, he called the athletic department, but anyone who didn’t have shit for brains would know that wasn’t enough. It allowed the situation to go on for years, and for several other children to be molested. Paterno should have gone to the police, and anyone with even the slightest understanding of the seriousness of the situation knows that. 46 years of sustained success, and 2 National Championship means nothing now. The man enabled a child rapist, and that’s that.

What’s most important about this story (other than fact the whole bunch of children were being molested, that has to be #1) is the fact that the athletic director knew about this, and chose to do nothing. They cared more about preserving the prestige of their program than about stopping a child molester. This is exactly why college football is a bullshit industry. No one cares about doing what’s right or about having any integrity whatsoever. It’s all about getting recruits, winning titles, and making as much money as possible, and who cares who gets hurt in the process.

My guess is Penn State will get what they deserve: a giant decrease in applications, and decades of shitty football. Shit like this doesn’t get fixed easily, nor should it. The only problem is, even if Penn State gets what they deserved, the entire collegiate sports system is corrupt beyond belief. One school getting busted isn’t going to stop all the other problems that plague the NCAA, and I don’t they’ll be addressed anytime soon. College football might be a good way to kill a Saturday afternoon, but it’s an entirely broken system that has no chance of getting fixed anytime soon.

  • Harold

    College football was great for its entertaining contributions to the “Sports Blotter”. Whatever happened to that?

  • Anteprepro

    ” is there maybe an aspect of sports that you DO like and feel positive about?”

    I didn’t think that posting things they feel positive about was The Beast’s M.O.

  • robert

    zuck fuckerburg, puck fenn state

  • chris again

    You think all those details will come out? Sandusky will take the fall, “commit suicide,” and the world will go about its business. The child rapists who rented kids from Second Mile will never feel the heat from this. No doubt many of them are very powerful people.

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