"Totally coup, yo."

Jobs of the Future

Aug

22

by
If you’re like me, you’re out of work. Or maybe you’re only half like me, and you’re working but it’s only part time. Or you’re only kind of like me because you are working full time but it’s a temp job which will, when it ends, make you like me. Or maybe you’re working full time, making good money and even have life insurance and a nice place to live. If that’s you, please kill yourself. I fucking hate you. I hate you and your mother is a whore. How do you like that, fuck face?
Anyway, for those of us who are NOT working or only sort of working, well, welcome to the new economy. Welcome to America for the foreseeable future.( http://www.rawstory.com/rawreplay/2011/07/krugman-proposed-debt-deal-will-cost-jobs-and-revenue/)
So what do you do? How do you handle a shitty job market? Especially if you went to college and are saddled with student loans because you borrowed money from that Sallie Mae (http://money.cnn.com/2011/08/01/news/economy/debt_ceiling_students/index.htm) bitch?
Well, you’re in luck. While the economy is horrible, jobs are being added. Good paying jobs. Here are few professions open to you, even if you didn’t go to college or graduate high school.
Become a Blackmailer: No, not a black male. Those jobs are awful. A blackmailer is someone who gets information on a person that is embarrassing or possibly criminal and for a small fee promises not to share that information with anyone else. Many people have secrets that they’d pay top dollar to keep secret. Some good targets for blackmail are gay men who operate gay raparation clinics while their wives are running for president (http://www.southfloridagaynews.com/news/politics/4188-bachmann-refuses-to-answer-questions-about-gay-conversion-therapy-.html). Closted Homosexuals in particuar  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_Hudson) but Christians in general (http://www.slate.com/id/2247861/) are always a good source for blackmail.
Do you have what it takes to become a blackmailer? Did you study journalism, law or any other area that requires dogged research? Having a background in IT so you know how to hack into people’s phones or computers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/News_International_phone_hacking_scandal) is also helpful.
There are many downsides to being a blackmailer. The trick to being successful in this profession is being able to tell who is more open to blackmail and who is not. In fact, in some cases, no blackmail has to take place. Some people have to just  be responsible for “no wrongdoing in the case whatsoever by anyone” (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A7578-2004Oct28.html) to get them to open their wallets. While others, can be more of a hard ass when it comes to throwing few bucks a guy’s way. (http://articles.nydailynews.com/2009-10-01/entertainment/17935059_1_david-letterman-cbs-news-producer-late-night)
Become a Meth Cook: Being a drug dealer is dangerous work involving long hours and not always good pay. However, actually creating people’s drug choice is another matter all together (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUsAfYSROKQ&NR=1) and Methamphetamine is a booming market (with the help of big pharma, no less) (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/meth/)! One of the best things about being a meth cook is you are never too old to give it a try. This is true even if you live in country where the people talk funny (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-08-03/73yo-charged-over-2412m-ice-bust/2822288/?site=sydney). Now, I know some might call it a drug problem but you should think of it as a drug opportunity.
Another point in Meth cooking’s favor is white guys like the drug (http://alcoholism.about.com/b/2007/01/30/the-typical-meth-user-may-surprise-you.htm). Which means, if you are a white guy yourself you probably know other white guys making for a customer base you have easy access to. If you’re not a white guy then here is your chance to screw over the white devil.  It’s win-win no matter how you look at it.
The down sides to Meth Cooking is pretty easy to avoid. For one thing, don’t piss off the guy you’re cooking for. You must also be sure to keep your nosey wife out of it. You should definitly not have a DEA agent for a brother-in-law and for fuck sakes, don’t partner up with a former student whose a druggie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlvOFVoI1SY) beyond those things, though, it’s easy living all the way.
Become a Panda Inseminator: No doubt many will be surprised that neither Prostitute nor Porn actor made the cut for jobs of the future. The reason for this is simple, nobody is going to pay to have sex with you. And even less people will pay to watch you have sex. However, everyone cares if pandas fuck (http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/no-new-panda-cub-for-zoo-this-year/2011/06/27/gIQAv5rRTI_story.html). Why not get a job jacking off a male Panda and putting it’s jizz up a female pandas kooch? If you’re a man, chances are you already know how to wrap your hands around a cock and pull it for all it’s worth. If you’re a woman you probably know how to give a hand job  and if you don’t then you clearly weren’t raised Muslim.
Probably the biggest downside to this job is not having to deal with Panda cum but running across a carton of ZenDon Vanilla Soy Milk in the super market and getting nauseous. (http://vitanetonline.com/Organic-Foods/95878-5/vitamins/SOYMILK-ORGANIC-VANILLA/)
Become a Pet assassin: Like most children, you probably dreamed of one day growing  up  and becoming a hit man for the mob like Richard Kuklinski (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Kuklinski). Sadly, though, those types of jobs are fewer and far between than they use to be unless you want to work for the government and live overseas (http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2010/04/07/assassinations). However, in the exciting emerging field of Pet Assassin you can make good money killing something while avoiding getting a passport and having to learn Arabic.
Assainating people’s pets is a step up from kidnapping them for ransom because many pets are mircochipped, making it easy to trace their whereabouts. A .22 between Scooby Doo’s eyes, though, makes mircochip technology irrelevent. Hey, wait a minute, why didn’t anybody try that in those stupid cartoons?
Anyway, the best place to look for customers is around 2am. Survey neighborhoods in well off areas that have pet runs. Listen out for any barking dogs. When you hear one, note what building  it’s coming from. The next day, hang around said building and ask if anyone “heard that dog last night?” Whoever complains the loudest about losing sleep is your customer. See how much she’ll pay so that Lassie doesn’t disturb her rest ever again.
Now that I think about it. You might also open up a side business dealing with car alarms. Nothing wrong in wacking a car alarm, I’m sure we can all agree.
Become a Naked Kal Penn: Are you famillar with the Naked Cowboy?
The Naked Cowboy is a guy named Robert John Burck who hangs around Times Square wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and two pairs of briefs. He performs for NYC tourist by struming a guitar and sing songs. He places said guaitar around his play area so as to give the impression that he’s naked. The folks from the flyover states eat this shit up and it has helped this dude make some good coin. Now, are you famillar with Kal Penn?
He’s the former Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Engagement whose actually more famous for being the doctor who kills himself on House. Although even more people may know him from this
Harold & Kumar Go Too Far
Apparently, he’s also been signed to appear as a recurring character on something called How I Met Your Mother, a show this author has never seen despite it featuring both Willow Rosenberg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willow_Rosenberg) and Doogie Howser, MD. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dougie_Howser)
In any case, there is a big demand for Kal Penn impersonators as anyone will tell you. And even more to see his backside.  So why not you? I’m mean impersonate him, not see his backside. You’re not of Indian ancestry, you say? Why let that stop you? That’s why they call it acting, stupid.
Noted comedian, Arj Barker has been wowing crowds for years doing his Naked Kal Penn routine.
Probably the biggest down side to becoming a Naked Kal Penn is being asked does the carpet match the butt cheeks?l

Promising career options you should definitely look into
by Joe Dixon

If you’re like me, you’re out of work. Or maybe you’re only half like me, and you work part time. Or you’re only kind of like me because you work full time — but it’s a temp job, which, when it ends, will make you like me.

Or maybe you’re working full time, making good money and even have life insurance and a nice place to live. If that’s you, I fucking hate you and your mother is a whore. How do you like that, fuck face?

asfasffffdfdfsdfsdf

According to Moore’s Law, Steve Jobs’s hair will one day fit in the palm of your hand!

Anyway, for those of us who are NOT working or only sort of working, well, welcome to the American economy for the foreseeable future.

So what do you do? How do you handle a shitty job market? Especially if you went to college and are saddled with student loans because you borrowed money from that Sallie Mae bitch?

Well, you’re in luck. While the economy is horrible, jobs are being added. Good jobs. Here are few professions open to you, even if you didn’t go to college or graduate high school.

Become a Blackmailer
No, not a black male. Those jobs are awful. A blackmailer is someone who gets information on a person that is embarrassing or possibly criminal and for a small fee promises not to share that information with anyone else. Many people have secrets that they’d pay top dollar to keep secret. Some good targets for blackmail are gay men who operate gay raparation clinics while their wives are running for president. Closeted homosexuals in particular, but Christians in general, are always a good source for blackmail.

Many black males find work in the growing meme industry

Many black males find work in the fast growing meme industry

Do you have what it takes to become a blackmailer? Did you study journalism, law or any other area that requires dogged research? Having a background in IT so you know how to hack into people’s phones or computers is also helpful.

There are many downsides to being a blackmailer. The trick to being successful in this profession is being able to tell who is more open to blackmail and who is not. In fact, in some cases, no blackmail has to take place. Some people have to just be responsible for “no wrongdoing in the case whatsoever by anyone” to get them to open their wallets. While others, can be more of a hard ass when it comes to throwing few bucks a guy’s way.

Become a Meth Cook
Being a drug dealer is dangerous work involving long hours and not always good pay. However, actually creating people’s drug choice is another matter altogether and methamphetamine is a booming market (with the help of big pharma, no less)!

One of the best things about being a meth cook is you are never too old to give it a try. This is true even if you live in country where the people talk funny. Now, I know some might call it a drug problem but you should think of it as a drug opportunity.

"Malcolm, where's my blue ice?!"

“Malcolm, where’s my recipe for blue ice?!”

Another point in meth cooking’s favor is that white guys like the drug. Which means, if you’re “a white,” as I call them, you probably know lots of meth addicts already! If you’re not a white then here is your chance to screw over the White Devil.  It’s win-win no matter how you look at it.

The downside to cooking meth is pretty easy to avoid. For one thing, don’t piss off the guy you’re cooking for. You must also be sure to keep your nosey wife out of it. You should definitly not have a DEA agent for a brother-in-law and for fuck sake, don’t partner up with a former student who’s a druggie. Beyond those things, though, it’s easy living all the way.

And you’ll have enough downtime to do fun things like this:

And you probably won’t get shot in the head by Jesse Pinkman.

Become a Panda Inseminator
No doubt many will be surprised that neither prostitute nor porn actor made the cut for jobs of the future. The reason for this is simple: nobody is going to pay to have sex with you. And even fewer people will pay to watch you have sex. However, everyone cares if pandas fuck.

Why not get a job jacking off a male panda and putting its jizz up a female panda’s kooch? If you’re a man, chances are you already know how to wrap your hands around a cock and pull it for all it’s worth. If you’re a woman you probably know how to give a joyless, perfunctory hand job. And if you don’t, then you clearly weren’t raised Muslim.

"We need to make more babies!"

“We need more children! Don’t ask me why.”

Probably the biggest downside to this job is not having to deal with panda cum but running across a carton of ZenDon Vanilla Soy Milk in the super market and getting nauseous.

Become a Pet Assassin
Like most children, you probably dreamed of one day growing up and becoming a hit man for the mob like Richard Kuklinski. Sadly, though, those types of jobs are fewer and farther between than they use to be unless you want to work for the government and live overseas. However, in the exciting emerging field of pet assassin you can make good money killing something while avoiding getting a passport and having to learn Arabic.

"Wait! If you kill me, who will entertain the internet? Nooooo!"

“Wait! If you kill me, who will entertain the internet? Nooooo!”

Assassinating people’s pets is a step up from kidnapping them for ransom because many pets are mircochipped, making it easy to trace their whereabouts. A .22 between Scooby Doo’s eyes, though, makes mircochip technology irrelevent. Hey, wait a minute, why didn’t anybody try that in those stupid cartoons?

Anyway, the best time to look for customers is around 2 am. Survey neighborhoods in well off areas that have pet runs. Listen out for any barking dogs. When you hear one, note which building it’s coming from. The next day, hang around said building and ask, “Did anyone hear that annoying dog last night?” Whoever complains the loudest about losing sleep is your customer. See how much she’ll pay so that Lassie doesn’t disturb her rest ever again.

Now that I think about it, you might also open up a side business dealing with car alarms. Nothing wrong in wacking a car alarm, I’m sure we can all agree.

Become a Naked Kal Penn
Are you familiar with the Naked Cowboy?

dixon-cowboy

Of course, you’ll need wicked ripped quads.

The Naked Cowboy is a guy named Robert John Burck who hangs around Times Square wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and two pairs of briefs. He performs for NYC tourist by strumming a guitar and singing songs. He places said guitar around his play area so as to give the impression that he’s naked. The folks from the flyover states eat this shit up and it has helped this dude make some good coin. Now, are you famillar with Kal Penn?

dixon-kal-penn

Harold and/or Kumar

He’s the former Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Engagement who’s actually more famous for being the doctor who kills himself on “House”. Although more people may know him from this:

dixon-ass-shot

Apparently, he’s also been signed to appear as a recurring character on something called “How I Met Your Mother,” a show this author has never seen despite it featuring both Willow Rosenberg and Doogie Howser, MD.

In any case, there is a big demand for Kal Penn impersonators, as anyone will tell you. And even more to see his backside.  So why not you? I mean impersonate him, not see his backside. You’re not of Indian ancestry, you say? Why let that stop you? That’s why they call it acting, stupid.

Noted comedian Arj Barker has been wowing crowds for years doing his Naked Kal Penn routine.

dixon-arj-barker

Probably the biggest downside to becoming a Naked Kal Penn is being asked if the carpet matches the butt cheeks. But since no one would ever ask you that, because that phrase has never been spoken in the history of mankind, there’s no reason not to embark on this new and exciting career.

________________

Joe Dixon is still black and unemployed. Check out his Youtube channel.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/RiffingReligion Wes

    “A .22 between Scooby Doo’s eyes, though, makes mircochip technology irrelevent. Hey, wait a minute, why didn’t anybody try that in those stupid cartoons?”

    Because of those meddling kids!

  • admin

    That is correct.

  • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

    RIP Gale Boetticher
    NEVAR FORGET

  • anonymouse

    Other wonderful opportunities include:

    - Grease recycler
    - Swish distiller
    - Road warrior (includes your choice of sawed-off shotgun OR scoped hand cannon)

  • Biff Squatthrust

    There’s a cock teaser job opening at Roosterama.

  • Biff Squatthrust

    –if you can, in fact, enrage bantams.

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