BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ENDURING VISION
Recent controversy surrounding former Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards reached a new high on Tuesday, as Edwards admitted to having an affair while his wife struggled with cancer, starring in an explicit sex tape with his alleged mistress, and to being the father to at least 90% of the population of the entire Asian continent.
Analysis of the blood from several hundred random Chinese, Indian and Iranian citizens confirmed large quantities of Edwards’ DNA, implicating him as the father — bizarrely, even in cases where the individual tested was of equal age or older than Edwards himself.
Edwards initially denied the findings, asserting that the story — and by extension, Asia as a whole — was “false,” “completely untrue, ridiculous,” and “made up.” Ten minutes later, his publicist confirmed the findings in a press release.
“It was wrong for me ever to deny that Asians are my children, and hopefully one day, when they understand, they will forgive me,” read the statement. “Because when you’re this attractive, and your wife is all sickly looking from cancer, you just can’t help yourself.”
Scientists also used the collected genetic data to estimate that Edwards’ age, originally reported to be 56 years old, is probably closer to 1,600 years.
“In order to give rise to close to nearly one billion children, [Edwards] must have begun sexual activity in the late 5th century, sometime during his first marriage to a woman who had ovarian cancer,” said Dr. Eli Irving, a geneticist at Northwestern University. “It really is quite remarkable.”
After the news broke, Edwards was instantly condemned by several environmental groups for causing the overpopulation and overcrowding in much of Asia and the Middle East, where the dense concentration of Edwards’ children is threatening many natural resources.
“If John Edwards could have kept it in his pants, the world would probably still have many of its extinct species,” said Evelyn Milford, spokesperson for the World Wildlife Fund. “Including the dinosaurs.”
Allegations of infidelity and corruption have plagued Edwards since his days as a North Carolina senator, when he had sex with everyone he knew and used campaign money to buy whatever he wanted. However, some say even more shocking revelations have yet to come to light.
“Based on his striking good looks and ability to easily infatuate women,” said Dr. Irving, “it seems likely to me that he is actually a vampire.”
“Is it just a coincidence that the vampire in the Twilight series is named Edward?” the doctor asked, a twinkle — or possibly homosexuality — in his eye. “I think not.”
Edwards’ camp immediately decried the claim, calling it “absurd,” “stupid” and “completely without truthhood”. 45 seconds later, Edwards’ publicist confirmed the rumor.