"Totally coup, yo."

Levin on a Prayer

Apr

29

by

Local news personality Scott Levin just showed up at my house

So I’m chilaxing on the couch, editing a forthcoming campaign video, and this tall, orange robot’s ringing my doorbell. What the fuck? It’s in polar fleece. It has the blue tooth. It is vaguely threatening.

Wait.

Is that local NBC affiliate WGRZ news personality Scott to-the-mother-fucking Levin? Does local NBC affiliate WGRZ news personality Scott Levin know I’m stoned? And a little drunk? And that I’ve been awake for 33 hours? And that his face is covered with weird, orange putty? Is there a fucking cameraman behind him?!

My eyes must look–I must look–look at this place! The wind storm has thrown debris all over the porch–empty beer cases, cigarette butts, a smashed up chair is upside down against a smashed up railing. The table inside is covered with beer bottles, plates, semen-crusted napkins, notes, candy wrappers and a random cookie–dirty laundry on the floor, chair and shelves. Oh please, local news personality Scott Levin, don’t show people how I live! Be on my side, Scott Levin!

Everything’s cool. Everything’s OK. No camera. Scott Levin’s on my side. But why is he– “Ian! Scott Levin, WGRV channel 2 News. How ya’ doin’?”

“Hey, man. What’s….uh…up?”

“I have this letter for you–it was opened. I don’t know who opened it, but it’s an invitation to a debate. I don’t know who opened it. But it’s opened. I didn’t open it. Anywho, they wanted me to let you know there are some…conditions for your participation.”

“Okay…”

“I didn’t open it, but they want you to know that you can’t insult people or be a big meanie, OK? You can’t. I live around here, and I didn’t open it. No being a big, jerk-headed Meanie McMeanpants. Grr! Ha, ha, ha…OK? That’s what they wanted me to tell you. I didn’t open it.”

“Okay…”

“Yeah, we’re having a debate so everyone will have a chance to see what the candidates stand for, but you can’t be running around all crazy, shouting, ‘Funk Pee Spit Motor-boater!’ with your exposed penis flailing about–if you know what I mean.”

“I have no idea wha–”

“I didn’t open it.”

“Okay…can I?” I say, reaching for the envelope.

“But, you know–sure.”

“Thanks.”

“You can’t be–do those kinds of things. They wanted me to tell you.”

“Right…are–are you moderating?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t open the letter. That would be unethical. We sent it here, but it came back, I don’t know who opened it. It might be me, I hope–not that opened it. I mean, moderating. I might. It might be Maryalice. It really depends whose bird wins the cockfight. Pedro is looking pretty limber, though–yeah, we don’t look inside–I didn’t open it.”

What would a politician do here? “You want some coffee, Scott?”

“No, I can’t. They–my wife. I don’t eat at home much. But I live near here and my wi–they wanted me to tell you that you can’t cuss or spit or bite or throw your own feces at any of the other candidates. It’s just something they–we and the League were concerned about. But I do hope I’m moderating. I do have a strong bird–so are you serious about all this? Are you sure you want to do this? Because you don’t have to.”

“I’m very serious, Scott. And I hope you’re moderating, too.”

“Yeah, me too. But what about money?”

“Politics is ruled by money, but I don’t have any, so we’ll see what we can do with nothing.”

“It’s a shame. It really is a shame. But, you know, don’t try and substitute unorthodox or vulgar or creative behavior for money. My wife–they wanted you to know that. Don’t try to, you know, put on a show or anything. No nudity; no gun play; no meth labs; no sword swallowing; no Cirque du Solie; no freak-deaky; no dirty bombs; no sasquatch attacks; no cyborg-horse steroids; no buttermilk monkey tampons! You got that?”

“Uh…”

“Great! They just wanted me to let you know.”

“OK…nice to meet you, Scott.”

“Same here. I didn’t open it. Bye!”

And then he drove away.

______________________

  • malachi

    Damn you, Murphy. Is this a thing? That will occur? How can a non-Buffalonian watch?

    And seriously, make with the cyborg-horse steroids.

  • admin

    Yes, this is a thing. Check out their website maybe they’ll have a live stream? Probably not. We’ll have someone record it from the audience, so all BEAST fiends can watch. OK?

  • http://brucegoff-castle-bandb.com Glen Etzkorn

    Murphy, one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from a national lawyer is once you have idiot bureaucrats starting to write one can keep them writing till the fools realize they are the fools they are and they will look that way til the end of time. Suggest you look closely at what they wrote then punch back at them is their a better way to do it and could they advise?. A better way of explaining what shit they wrote.The response will be more shit for sure. But it will be to your advantage.

  • admin

    Glen,
    I have no fucking clue what you’re trying to tell me, buddy. And do you live in that sweet castle? Ballin’!

  • http://brucegoff-castle-bandb.com Glen Etzkorn

    As a master oligarchy slayer you ought to be a quicker shoe-in to political ascendency than a Al Fraken even if your local democratic district was too stupid to figure out the situation. As a representative of the respectable Green party you have caught onto quickly some sorta oddity with the aspect of folks getting into your personal/public letter. And besides not knowing the contents of the letter it seems what you grasped as odd is a welcome gambit to explore and someone ought to be giving some respectable answers let alone the contents might give you more questions to throw back at them. I suggest an apology on their part is already due in your direction.

    The castle heights is a wonderful place to ponder the world below, built by a professor noted for concerns for Democracy and Culture (assuredly an oxymoron wishful thinking like idea in a land called America. A great place to relax and get away from the goings on of all those lowlanders is indeed where I live and serve my fellow humans.

  • Joe Dixon

    @Glen Etzkorn. Is English your second language?

  • http://brucegoff-castle-bandb.com Glen Etzkorn

    at joe dixon, During the macarthy period my local german community in Amerika got my grandparents to stop speaking openly (WW1 or 2 was no problem but fear of Amerikan nazis did get the local priests concerned). But whispering was still allowed and so perhaps English is my second language. Then again maybe my writing style doesn’t appeal to the likes of yourself and I don’t give a rip if fools spend too much time trying to diagram the sentence structure.

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      @Glen Nobody’s impressed by your “writing style.” Get over yourself.

  • http://brucegoff-castle-bandb.com Glen Etzkorn

    @ Josh. Didn’t say I was impressed either. Get over yourself. Murphy stated difficulty, I replied again. As simple as that. I am impressed with Murphy’s conversation with Walker and impressed with Wallker’s fake christian preacher son saying he didn’t not know where Cali’s located. Speech can be interesting. Folks wasting their time on other’s folks writing styles who are not claiming to be God’s gift to written language are simply being asses,.Wouldn’t hurt if the two folks all worried about writing skills had an on topic comment to the article IMHO.

  • admin

    If you copy Glen’s last comment into Google translate, and go from English to Chinese to Swedish and back to English, you get this:

    @ Josh. Did not know I was impressed by one. Forget you. Murphy said the difficulty, I replied again. It’s that simple. I really appreciate the dialogue and Walker and Murphy impressed wallk false Christian pastor’s son said he did not know where the place is not Cali. Speech was very interesting. People waste their time on other people’s handwriting that does not claim to be God’s gift of the written language is just ass. Does not damage if two people are afraid of writing skills to comment on the article in a subject with respect.

    Just thought you all needed to know.

  • http://brucegoff-castle-bandb.com Glen Etzkorn

    Imtranslator v.4.o1 seems the best in my experience, but I will go along with the google version and still able to figure out the gist of the situation.

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      Equilibrium found!
      “The best online translation v.4.o1 believe my experience, I still do a version of Google, it is possible to grasp the essence of the situation.”

  • http://alfrankenweb.com/forum Sir Rhino

    So what did the fucking letter say?

    Inquiring minds want to know!

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