"Totally coup, yo."

Life is Pretty Swell




A Pro-Life BEAST Editorial

Unless you were cloned in a lab, a series of highly improbable events led to your birth. Millions of sperm rushed to fertilize an egg inside your mother’s body. Only one of those would lead to your birth. And against all odds, fetal development continued until you were born. Unlike most pregnancies, your’s wasn’t terminated by natural causes, resulting in what we call a miscarriage. Just being able to take those first few breaths of air after birth is an opportunity so unlikely that it makes winning the lottery seem plausible. Me, I appreciate having beaten those odds. I embrace being alive.

Others don’t. Or at least, they can’t. They can’t because they’re dead. Dead like Andrew Breitbart.

There are more combinations of potential human DNA than there ever will be humans. And most of us who have existed at some point are, like Andrew Breitbart, now dead. If you’re reading these words right now, then you happen to be in the extremely fortunate position of being alive. This is very much unlike Andrew Breitbart, who as you’ve probably heard, is now dead.

Since I’m alive, there are lots of things I can do. If I wanted to, I could go bungee jumping, get in drunken Twitter fights, see the Grand Canyon, enable racists, learn another language, or start a blogging empire based on incoherence. There are so many options for living people! For the dead ones (like Andrew Breitbart), not so much. All Breitbart can do now is rot. Even the organisms that will nourish themselves on his rotting flesh and spend most of their lives underground have more options than him.

In Act 3, Scene 1 of Hamlet, the titular character famously contemplates whether it’s better to be alive or dead. According to professors of literature and drama, this is supposed to be a deep question. Well I’m here to tell you that it’s not. Being alive rocks. You can’t observe a beautiful sunset or host an all-night cocaine-and-masturbating-to-Leni-Riefenstahl-movies party with James O’Keefe and Derek Hunter when you’re dead. Case closed.

So let’s all raise a glass to being alive. Whether you’re raising that glass after a day of doing productive work of which you can rightfully be proud, or you’re raising it at 9 AM while wondering which ugly aspect of American society you can exploit today; the important thing is that we’re all still breathing and above ground. And that’s more than some of us can say.


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  • http://atlas-shirked.blogspot.com Trevor

    Being alive always beats the alternative. Personally. From the perspective of another, a certain person being alive makes things pretty miserable.

    What I’m saying is I’m glad that ratfucker’s dead.

  • JJ

    The dead know only one thing: it is better to be alive – Private Joker

  • robert

    being alive is even nicer since what’s his name choked on his bile. today is the first day of the rest of his death.

  • Mike C

    The world is a little less Brieiter.

  • Mike C

    But what will happen to our savvy entrepreneurs? The coke market is gonna be flooded after his weekly kilo goes unsnorted. Is this the death blow… for blow?

    Also, anyone else think his mouth was put on upside down? Maybe he wasn’t really in a snit all the time, and his face was just outsourced.

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