"Totally coup, yo."

Local Spotlight: Self-Obsessed, Violent Cokehead Can’t Get Laid




In another sign that things are getting better every day, Coked-up drunk dickhead Anthony Camparro hasn’t been able to successfully score with a woman in seven months now, despite nightly attempts. Speaking from the bathroom stall at a local nightspot, Camparro told us all about it. “It’s fucked up, man, you know,” said Camparro, “I mean I got the cash, I got the blow, you know, plus I got the pecs and the abs, right? Snnnfff! But these fuckin’ bitches won’t fucking go for it, man! It’s pissing me off! I mean, like, check out my ride, right?” Camparro’s monstrous SUV was still idling outside the bar he’d been boozing at for four and a half hours, blasting P Diddy’s new album repeatedly to the visible annoyance of neighbors and passersby. “I like that Puffy,” said Camparro. “He’s one talented moolie.”

“I don’t understand what’s wrong,” the dickhead continued. “I keep wearing more and more cologne, right? I work out like, all the fucking time. I even kicked the shit out of this poor sap the other night, just to get the attention of this bitch I wanted to bone, but it was no good. Sssnnnnffff! What the fuck, right? I mean, I got the blow! Hellooo? My clothes are always like, real expensive and shit, you know? I got the gold. Plus, I got the coke, right? What the fuck?”

Asked about his former girlfriends, Camparro rolled his eyes. “That’s the worst part, bitch! I used to get some really fine tail, you know, on account of their low self-esteem and hopeless addictions. They were so stuck on me I could even slap ‘em around if I felt like it. But now they don’t even, like want to talk to me or shit. They’re all like, in stable relationships with nice guys now, and they’re not even into cheating and shit. Can you imagine? I guess I’ll just have to get a whore tonight or something. Wanna bump?”

And Camparro’s plight is not an isolated case. In fact, violent cokeheads all over Buffalo are making no headway with even the ditziest members of the opposite sex, while mild-mannered, four-eyed geeks are finally getting the quality ass they deserve. Scientists who have been studying the unexplained trend have so far offered no results, possibly due to the fact that they are also getting some serious action. “Yeah, we’re getting around to doing a study and everything,” said Dr. Snodgrass Plonker, Professor of Difficult Math at Buffalo State College, “but that’s sort of on the back burner right now. These incredibly fine chicks are coming over to my place for the weekend, and my chess club buddies are coming over to party. It is my foremost duty, of course, to please the booty. Besides, who cares why this is happening? It’s happening! Whoo-hoo!”

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