"Totally coup, yo."

McChrystal on 24-hr suicide watch

Jul

06

by

mcchystal-feature

The most tragic thing that could ever happen, ever, happened. And it’s tragic. And it happened.

BY KENT PULLINGSWORTH

WASHINGTON — The White House today was shocked to learn that General Stanley McChrystal, whose recent resignation in the face of fierce criticism that re-ignited the national debate over the Afghan war, attempted suicide at Meridian Hill Park some time yesterday afternoon. The General had been fired from his position as commander of US forces in Afghanistan, after an appalling, and some say journalistically unethical, profile of him appeared in the pages of Rolling Stone magazine. Police have made no official comment, but eyewitnesses describe the incident as a botched hanging.

“Darndest thing I ever saw,” said D.C. resident John Pieszwyski, 53. “He was sitting on a bench and I went over to shake the man’s hand and he pulls this noose out of a burlap sack. Asked me to help him secure it to the tree, and I told him I wouldn’t. He got real angry then, got right in my face and started screaming about dying a soldier’s death. Told him dang if that wasn’t the coward’s way out, and that’s when he hit me.”

McChyrstal, seen here, in his happier days commanding an unwinnable warMcChyrstal, seen here, in his happier days commanding an unwinnable war

Other eyewitnesses describe the scene: “When McChrystal was screaming at John there I ran over to see what was the matter,” said Kelly Sotiropoulous, 23, of Arlington. “When I got over there he punched John in the face and asked me to help him with the noose, I was real scared, so I said yes I will, yes. I climbed up there and tied it real good. Then he made me sing The Star Spangled Banner but I couldn’t remember all the words so he was like, ‘Get down you silly cunt.’” Another witness present, speaking on condition of anonymity because of his close proximity to the General, saw things differently. “He never called her that,” he stated. “I was with him the whole time and he never said anything like that. He called me his Gottfried,” said the witness through tears, “and told me he loved me but that he had to—I just, I just can’t talk about this right now.”

Emergency services eventually arrived on scene, though it remains unknown who contacted them. Upon their arrival, sources say, there was a brief standoff between police and the General, who it was thought might be armed. Upon being reminded that had McChrystal been armed he would not have attempted an agonizing death by hanging, the police source said, “You never know.”

Speculation on McChrystal’s mental state since his firing had been fuel for Washington’s gossip columns and talk shows. Andrea Mitchell, long-time political reporter, host of MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell Reports, and wife of former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan, told The BEAST that McChrystal had sunk into a deep and terrifying depressive abyss from which his return was unlikely. “When something so tragic, so terrible happens to you like that, it’s very difficult to recover from.” Asked whether the men tortured and murdered at Camp Nama during McChrystal’s time commanding JSOC had an equal chance at recovery, the Washington insider shrugged. “What? I don’t know what that is.” This reporter attempted an explanation but was cut off by a ringing cell phone. “That’s Chris,” she said. “There’s breaking news: Elizabeth Edwards has filed for divorce.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, speaking at his daily press conference from the White House Briefing Room, told reporters he could not comment other than to express President Obama’s deep melancholy over the attempted suicide. Chief White House Correspondent for NBC News Chuck Todd interjected to ask if the President blamed himself. “I’m just not going to answer that,” Gibbs replied. “But he wouldn’t have tried to hang himself if the President hadn’t fired him,” Chuck said. “He’d still be over in Afghanistan living the good life.” “Talk to Michael Hastings,” Gibbs responded, and NBC’s bearded wonder was finally placated.

Sources tell The BEAST that McChrystal has been admitted to a military hospital in the Washington area and is currently sedated and in stable condition. The timetable of his release is not known, for it is thought that this information will embolden his enemies.

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  • admin

    Dear Darth,
    OK, you’re a Half Life dweeb, not a WoW dork. There’s a very big difference. Sorry. Our bad. Of course, feel free to submit a piece to The BEAST, but we don’t know how on earth you could top the dolphin-human hybrid. Are you under the impression that that article is satire? It’s not. It’s straight reporting, buddy, and that dude is one of the funniest things we’ve ever seen.
    Best,
    The BEAST

  • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh

    I think Francis E Dec, Esq. wins easily in a craziest person ever contest. If anyone can top that, let me know.

  • admin

    Josh: Francis E Dec, Esq is a real crazy diamond in the rough. You win.
    Darth: Yes, there are plenty of crazier hobos out there. Sadly, not many of them have over 5,000 Facebook friends like McCollum, and even fewer are taken seriously by the moronic worshipers of Alex Jones. To clarify: hobos = crazy, sad; Dolphin guy = less crazy, hilarious.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea6h8zPf-LI Professor Nutbutter

    Some of the funniest people I’ve ever met were crazy hobos. I shit you not.

    http://tomcawvel.com/hobonames.php

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