Down with worker rights!
The NBA season is supposed to start in five weeks, and I can’t take this shit anymore. The lockout started three months ago, and both sides persist in not getting anything done, and caring more about looking the good guys than whether or not anything actually gets done. It’s becoming very clear to me that neither side really cares if the season starts on time, and as someone who really enjoys watching muscular black men dribble on wood and put balls through holes, that really gets on my nerves.
What’s really bugged me through all this all the needless posturing. The best example of this is union rep Billy Hunter, who recently said he doesn’t think there’s even going to be a season. That’s great, Billy! Take the bastards down! Go a whole decade if you want to! Who cares if there’s if there’s an entire class of rookies who might waste away for a year, or if there’s people who might actually enjoy watching basketball. It’s all about sticking it to the fucking man! You know…even if the people you’re representing are almost all in the top 1% of earners.
Don’t get me wrong, the owners are much worse. If liberalism 101 has taught us anything, it’s that the richer whiter people are always the bigger assholes. And sure enough, the NBA owners have quite few true cocksuckers in their ranks. The biggest being the Clippers’ Donald Sterling, who is less of a human being, and more of nightmarish Spike Lee fantasy of what white people are like. He’s been accused of housing discrimination, and even heckles his own players on the court (in his defense, Baron Davis really was underachieving), so yeah, fuck that guy.
And don’t forget the Cavs Dan Gilbert. He had the easiest task in America — insult a man everyone already hates (in this case, Lebron James) — and he somehow managed to fuck it up. His angry petulant comic sans rant against Lebron came off less like an owner inspiring his fans in a dark time, and more like a spoiled, whiny child who has sad because his parents took away his favorite toy. So, it’s not like the owners are likeable people.
Here’s the thing; this is the own situation evil, super-greedy rich, white folks may be actually right. Wait, don’t throw me in bleeding heart jail, yet — hear me out. The contracts that these players get are fucking enormous. Take the Orlando Magic’s gun-toting Twitter misogynist Gilbert Arenas, who last year received $17 million to average 8 points a game, not beat anyone off the dribble, and shoot countless missed threes, and not be good enough to lick Jameer Nelson’s jockstrap.
The reason why this happens is because contracts are guaranteed. No matter what happens to a player if he signs a deal, he gets that money. Would the Houston Rockets have thrown so much money at Yao Ming if they knew he was made of glass at the time? How about Tracy McGrady, whose legs magically turned to stone in 2009? Contracts are too long, and too much money is given out because no one knows when a player is going to be washed up, but once he gets there, he’s done for good. So if a team gives 6 years to a guy with only 3 years left, they’re going to pay for three years of crap, and that’s that.
So, I’m on the owners side in that sense. Contracts should be shorter, because the chances of one overvalued player ruining a team for the better part of a decade are just too high. Don’t get me wrong though: owners are still cocksuckers. Lying cocksuckers…because cocksucker isn’t necessarily an epithet outside of the NBA. Specifically, they have the unique ability to make losses seem a lot bigger than they actually are so that when it comes time to cry poor they have a much stronger case. Make no mistake: this is greedy-dishonest-white-assholery in its purest form.
What it comes down to is both sides are greedy, and unrealistic. That tends to happen in negotiations like this, but what really burns my cannoli is that neither side gives one flying fuck about the fans. With all the talk of cancelling the season and demanding more and more, neither side has said anything, or reached out in anyway to the people who actually care about this game. The billion dollar industry these people work in doesn’t exist without them, and yet they get no regard, no regard at all! I know being a sports fan is a largely pointless endeavor, but that never deterred me before. Being treated as so blatantly useless by the people running the show really gets under my skin. It’d be nice if either side thought of us just once.
So, one of three things will happen. There’s a small chance of both sides getting their shit together sometime within the next month. There’s a decent chance they drag it out till winter and we get a horrible, slapped together season marked by mediocre gameplay and 20-pounds-too-fat players who didn’t bother conditioning during the lockout. Finally, there’s an all-too-likely chance that both sides will continue being stubborn dicks and the fans will be screwed out of an entire season just like hockey fans were seven years ago.
My appeal to the basketball community is simple: be sensible. You made a ridiculously lucrative industry out shooting a ball into a basket. And there are tons of people who will gladly blow there hard-earned cash to support your product (including me). Considering how lucky you are to be in that position, maybe you should not fuck those foolishly loyal fans over, get your act together, and play some damn basketball!
If not, we will start watching hockey. No really, we mean it this time…okay, probably not.