BALTIMORE — A team of doctors and cognitive researchers issued a joint statement Thursday detailing “pressing concerns” regarding recently retired Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s health, claiming the Republican starlet “may be too stupid to live much longer.”
At a press conference in johns Hopkins Medical Center, neurologist Rajib L. Shaktakarian spoke for the group as he listed off a number of observed symptoms, including aphasia, memory loss, delusions, and “general idiocy,” which “seem to be worsening by the day,” judging by recent public statements.
“Normally,” said Dr. Shaktakarian, “these symptoms might indicate a stroke or series of strokes, but judging by her apparent bodily health, and the lack of facial drooping or motor-neuron impairment, we have concluded that Palin is suffering from a severe case of clinical stupidity, which we fear may be terminal.”
Shannon Barkley, a professor of Cognitive Neuropsychology at Johns Hopkins, warned Palin’s condition could become dire in the very near future. “Given the nearly random, disjointed nature of her speech patterns, and her astounding misunderstandings of the basic facts of life and reality, it’s really only a matter of time before she forgets how to breathe or pump blood to her vital organs,” said Barkley. “Frankly, I’m amazed she’s still alive today.”
“I mean, some blogger in Alaska says something mean about her kid, and she derives this insane idea that it’s a media conspiracy. It’s just another indicator that Palin’s brain is being severely damaged by some unknown condition.”
“The level of cognitive dissonance in her mind is reaching potentially fatal levels,” Shaktakarian said in agreement. “Did you hear her say that not quitting was what quitters do? You know, if she didn’t quit, that would make her a quitter? I mean, seriously, no mentally healthy person could say that. It just makes no sense at all.”
Yet, despite these obvious symptoms of terminal stupidity, Palin remains quite popular with conservatives. This leads the researchers to conclude that Palin’s condition may be contagious.
“Here she is, in obvious neurological distress, speaking incoherently, and yet her audiences cheer wildly and rush to agree with her clearly illogical statements. Somehow, her stupidity is being transferred to them.”
“When William Shatner is making fun of the way you talk, you’ve really got a problem.”
Asked whether they had contacted Palin regarding their concerns, Barkley indicated they had, but that Palin’s condition made it difficult to communicate effectively. “She accused us of being an ‘Obama death panel’, whatever that is. I tried to convince her we were not going to kill her, but she just kept repeating the phrase ‘death panel’ and telling me that her baby had a right to live, which, you know, of course it does. The whole thing is quite tragic, really.”
Palin could not be reached for comment, as she was “hiding under some chairs in the basement,” according to a spokesperson.