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More Than Newts The Eye

Nov

21

by

Newt Gingrich talks to “Michael Bay,” eagerly agrees to star in Transformers 4, defend Decepticons from EPA regulations

        ***     YES, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!    ***          

A FEW MONTHS AGO, some anonymous BEAST reader forwarded me an email exchange he’d had with former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. He came across the presidential hopeful’s address buried deep in the Sarah Palin email dump and, inspired by my Walker jape, he decided to pose as Donald Trump and propose the two team up on a third-party ticket. Newt was surprisingly receptive, and passed along his cell number, so they could hammer out the details. Well, at this point, our anonymous source got a case of cold feet, and decided to call in a professional. And when he couldn’t find one, he contacted me.

For about a month, I tried to perfect a Trump impression. At my best, it sounded more like Don Corleone on helium-infused crack, so I abandoned the project. Plus, it seemed sort of pointless to mess with a guy whose campaign was imploding, and who was polling worse than chlamydia. So I waited for something I presumed would never arrive: The day Newt Gingrich would, um, transform into someone relevant. Well, for at least the next 5 or 6 minutes, Newt’s riding high, taking his turn on the “Anyone but Romney roller coaster of Republican losers.”

Michael Bay: Actually kind of sounds like that

Seeing as Newt’s skeletons are already on full display, and that there’s no way in Republican hell he’ll get the nomination, it seemed more appropriate to take a sillier approach — a sort of sideshow sideshow. Ridiculous inspiration hit me last night while Bunting and I got our drink on: Michael Bay would pitch Gingrich a cameo in Transformers 4: Center of the Earth. It was probably too silly, we thought, but worth a try, for teh lulz.

Here’s what happened:

Newt’s whole line, if you couldn’t make it out: “The Decepticons are job creators, and in this economy, Congress must loosen its regulatory stranglehold.” But, as you can hear, I could only get to “job creators” before he enthusiastically shouts, “Cool!” and signs on to the project. Or maybe he was just pumped about teaming up with the Decepticons — who are similar to Trump, but with better hair.

So this probably could have been pushed a little farther, and the bigger “scoop” is probably that Newt seriously considered a third-party run with Trump, but it is what it is. I told you it was silly. As silly as Newt Gingrich believing Michael Bay wants him to be in the next Transformers film? Probably not.

But to Newt’s credit, he does refuse to tell the hero to “take a bath and get a job” because he doesn’t want the kids to hate him. Too bad he doesn’t feel this way in real life.

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  • matt

    Murphy, this is awesome, but you are going to be competing with that Scott Walker prank for years to come.

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  • Geo

    lolol that was funny. i’m brand new to this site, but it reminds me of chronicle.su.
    first of all, that didn’t sound much like newt gingrich, but what do i know.
    secondly, if that was newt, that was a very well done prank, i only wish it could have been taken further

  • Anteprepro

    “As long as I’m pro-The Transformers, I’m all for it”

    Oh, Newt. You love the Transformers enough to charge head first into accepting being in a movie about them, but don’t love them enough to know that the Decepticons are the bad guys. What a loveable oaf, that Gingrich. Seriously, he comes off as a loveable oaf, eyes wide open and eager to be in one of them movie-films about those Robotinators, wanting oh so badly to be one of The Good Guys in the show. That’s the Gingrich I know and hate! What is wrong with the world!?

  • Aaron Rodgers’ beanie

    It sounded dead on like Newt. Same voice I heard on the news recently saying that the unemployed should bathe and cut their hair, and that public school kids ought to be flipping burgers.

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