Dear BEAST fiends,
Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately. We have hours of video and pages of notes from the trip to Wisconsin, but something crazy happened when we got back, which has kept me a little busy.
I’ll have a full report from my week in Madtown eventually–with updates on the situation there and what’s bound to be a very cool documentary by my videographer Trotsky. But long story short: the union-crushing bill the State Senate & Assembly recently crammed through, in a most illegal fashion, has been temporarily blocked by Judge Maryann Sumi of the Dane County Circuit Court in Madison. That’s awesome. How a higher court will rule is unknown, but the idea is to keep it tied up in the legal system until some of the bastard Senate Republicans can be recalled. And many will be. More on Wisconsin later.
So I’m running for Congress in the special election for NY-26 on the Green Party line. Here’s my official announcement:
Damn, I’m fat. Regardless, I’ve secured a key endorsement from evil atheist Dr. PZ Myers. This will surely hurt me in my district. Thanks, man. Thanks a lot. And if my super secret plan to kill God with karate gets out I’m ruined! RUINED!
You see, NY-26 is a pretty red district. You can tell because our last two congressmen have been involved in perverted sex scandals. Chris Lee, as you likely know, resigned after Gawker posted his shirtless Craigslist pic. It was later revealed that he was picking up trannies in the Casual Encounters section. I have no problem with that, as you can read on my issues page, I am pro-Craigslist transsexuals. I’m not kidding either, so don’t get your liberal pants in a bunch because you think I’m trashing trannies for a cheap laugh. I think transsexuals are cool. We all need to grow up about sex and gender in this country. It seems like the only people who can’t handle the truth about the varied sexual spectrum of human nature are republicans. They’re also the ones who always get busted sucking off chicks with dicks. Go figure. And our congressman before him, Tom Reynolds, knew all about Mark Foley’s creepy page scandal, and sat on it. But I digest.
It looks like it’s shaping up to be a five-way race between myself and four republicans:
Kathy Hochul, former Erie County Clerk, is technically running as the Democratic candidate, but she’s posturing as a business-friendly, tax-cutting patriot. And it’s not really posturing. She’s basically a republican.
The widely accepted “front runner” is NY State Assemblywoman Jane Corwin (R). She recently started running ads attacking Hochul for being “Nancy Pelosi’s handpicked candidate.” It’s funny to watch the Uber-Republican attack the Right-leaning Democrat, for fictitious reasons. Incidentally, at the end of this silly and misleading ad there’s a shot of Corwin going over some blueprints with a guy in a yellow hardhat…like she’s ever done a hard day’s work in her life. Her eyes are slightly crossed and she looks seriously confused.
She’s touting her business experience because she was born into the family business–The Talking Phone Book. They’ve since sold the business, but according to insiders she was barely involved. And on top of that, when she was barely involved, their business model consisted of outsourcing jobs to India. What experience!
David Bellevia (Federalist Party, whatever that is). He’s the right-wing, War Hawk, Fox News guy. He’s a war vet, and the recipient of some medals or something. He wrote a book, which is all about going going door-to-door and killing people. From his website:
“David is Christian and believes in the inherent dignity and sanctity of all human life.”
I guess that only counts for fetuses.
Jack Davis (Google it line). He’s been courting the Tea Party, but the wealthy Akron industrialist’s line on the ballot is not yet known. He’s an old coot who’s been running for this or that office around here forever. His best idea, so far?
“We have a huge unemployment problem with black youth in our cities. Put them on buses, take them out there [to the farms] and pay them a decent wage; they will work.”
Wow. That would take care of our immigration problems and our desire to see black people in a slavery-type setting all in one shot! Jack, you are so old.
So that’s all I have to say about this right now–except that you should like Murphy Can Has Congress on Facebook, and follow @Murphy_Congress on the Twitter machine. Oh, and donate, so we can print up some flyers or whatever.
Talk to you later,