"Totally coup, yo."

Murphy can has Congress?

Mar

23

by

Dear BEAST fiends,

Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately. We have hours of video and pages of notes from the trip to Wisconsin, but something crazy happened when we got back, which has kept me a little busy.

I’ll have a full report from my week in Madtown eventually–with updates on the situation there and what’s bound to be a very cool documentary by my videographer Trotsky. But long story short:  the union-crushing bill the State Senate & Assembly recently crammed through, in a most illegal fashion, has been temporarily blocked by Judge Maryann Sumi of the Dane County Circuit Court in Madison. That’s awesome. How a higher court will rule is unknown, but the idea is to keep it tied up in the legal system until some of the bastard Senate Republicans can be recalled. And many will be. More on Wisconsin later.

So I’m running for Congress in the special election for NY-26 on the Green Party line. Here’s my official announcement:

Damn, I’m fat. Regardless, I’ve secured a key endorsement from evil atheist Dr. PZ Myers. This will surely hurt me in my district. Thanks, man. Thanks a lot. And if my super secret plan to kill God with karate gets out I’m ruined! RUINED!

You see, NY-26 is a pretty red district. You can tell because our last two congressmen have been involved in perverted sex scandals. Chris Lee, as you likely know, resigned after Gawker posted his shirtless Craigslist pic. It was later revealed that he was picking up trannies in the Casual Encounters section. I have no problem with that, as you can read on my issues page, I am pro-Craigslist transsexuals. I’m not kidding either, so don’t get your liberal pants in a bunch because you think I’m trashing trannies for a cheap laugh. I think transsexuals are cool. We all need to grow up about sex and gender in this country. It seems like the only people who can’t handle the truth about the varied sexual spectrum of human nature are republicans. They’re also the ones who always get busted sucking off chicks with dicks. Go figure. And our congressman before him, Tom Reynolds, knew all about Mark Foley’s creepy page scandal, and sat on it. But I digest.

murphy-can-has-header

Murphy can has sex scandal?

It looks like it’s shaping up to be a five-way race between myself and four republicans:

Kathy Hochul, former Erie County Clerk, is technically running as the Democratic candidate, but she’s posturing as a business-friendly, tax-cutting patriot. And it’s not really posturing. She’s basically a republican.

The widely accepted “front runner” is NY State Assemblywoman Jane Corwin (R). She recently started running ads attacking Hochul for being “Nancy Pelosi’s handpicked candidate.” It’s funny to watch the Uber-Republican attack the Right-leaning Democrat, for fictitious reasons. Incidentally, at the end of this silly and misleading ad there’s a shot of Corwin going over some blueprints with a guy in a yellow hardhat…like she’s ever done a hard day’s work in her life. Her eyes are slightly crossed and she looks seriously confused.

She’s touting her business experience because she was born into the family business–The Talking Phone Book. They’ve since sold the business, but according to insiders she was barely involved. And on top of that, when she was barely involved, their business model consisted of outsourcing jobs to India. What experience!

Her record in the Assembly consists of giving huge breaks to corporations, for no reason, and hating on the gays. She’s been endorsed by local homophobe, horse lover and racist Carl Paladino. Yeah.

David Bellevia (Federalist Party, whatever that is). He’s the right-wing, War Hawk, Fox News guy. He’s a war vet, and the recipient of some medals or something. He wrote a book, which is all about going going door-to-door and killing people. From his website:

“David is Christian and believes in the inherent dignity and sanctity of all human life.”

I guess that only counts for fetuses.

Jack Davis (Google it line). He’s been courting the Tea Party, but the wealthy Akron industrialist’s line on the ballot is not yet known. He’s an old coot who’s been running for this or that office around here forever. His best idea, so far?

“We have a huge unemployment problem with black youth in our cities. Put them on buses, take them out there [to the farms] and pay them a decent wage; they will work.”

Wow. That would take care of our immigration problems and our desire to see black people in a slavery-type setting all in one shot! Jack, you are so old.

So that’s all I have to say about this right now–except that you should like Murphy Can Has Congress on Facebook, and follow @Murphy_Congress on the Twitter machine. Oh, and donate, so we can print up some flyers or whatever.

Talk to you later,
Murphy

________________________

  • Lisa Carlsen

    Good luck in your run for Congress!! I live in WI so I can’t vote for you. You should move to WI and run for a State Senate position. We may have eight openings in the near future.

  • admin

    Lisa,
    Do you have credit cards in Wisconsin? We need flyers, dammit! I’ll consider that, for sure…if I’m not in Congress. : )

  • Red

    I’m sending a George Washington your way.

    (The coin, not the bill)

  • Jo

    Vote for you? Hey baby, if I could I would. Good luck.

  • B^4

    Damn, I’m fat

    Perish the thought- you’re fun, fit, and classy!

  • Dave

    I live in the 26th. You’ve got my vote.

  • admin

    Dave,
    Thanks!

    Darth,
    It’s not local office; it’s the U.S. House of Representatives. There seems to be some confusion about this. Stop it.

  • admin

    Dear Troll,
    Thanks for the offer, really, but my staff will use capitalization and apostrophes when required.

  • admin

    Troll,
    That’s a great question, but it’s one that only the voters can answer. Personally, I’m voting Murphy. And if the people of the 26th are sick of run-of-the-mill, full-of-shit politicians, they will too.

    I know I’m the underdog but, like any underdog, you get out on the field, you play hard and you play to win.

  • http://alfrankenweb.com/forum Sir Rhino

    TWIB

    Not that I’m Ian’s campaign manager, but I am curious …

    What would you change in his YouTube campaign video to maybe make the second one more effective than the first?
    ;-)

  • http://alfrankenweb.com/forum Sir Rhino

    TWIB

    If you haven’t passed out yet, this might make it easier for you

    ***************

    *Laugh*

    Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there. My name’s Ian Murphy. You may know me as the irreverent editor of TheBuffaloBeast.com. You may also know me as the guy who pranked Wisconsin governor Scott Walker and revealed his sinister plan to crush public unions. Or maybe you know me as your incredibly sexy neighbor in New York’s 26th congressional district. You know the one recently vacated by Republican and trannie aficionado Chris Lee.

    I come to you today through these here internet tubes to make a very special statement regarding the special election on the 26th. I’m proud to announce that I am the official Green Party candidate to fill the seat in Congress. Yep, we did the paperwork and everything.

    Now, you may be wondering; “What’s my platform?”. That’s a great question, thanks for asking. My platform is threefold:

    Tax cuuu…

    2. Reduce the dec .. the decibles

    And 3. Anger

    Is that right? Yeah, anger. I’m angry about where this country is going, and I’m angry where the Republicans and the Democrats are taking it. I’m angry that the only people in this country are those who can afford it. And I’m angry that the billionaires create their wealth, not through a hard day’s work but by stealing from those who do. I’m angry that not one Wall Street crook has gone to jail for wrecking the economy. I’m angry that we’re wasting vast treasure and lives on foolish military occupations. I’m angry that my campaign manager thought I should wear this goofy sweater. But most of all, I’m angry because things should be better, because we can be better, and with your vote I’ll fight to make that happen.

    Go to MurphyCanHasCongress.com to find out more about my campaign.

    Thank you for listening. I’m Ian Murphy and I approve this message.

    *Ian walks into the camera*

    **************

    I’ll see what I can come up with and we can compare notes.

  • http://alfrankenweb.com/forum Sir Rhino

    Ok, sounds good.

    How does this sound?

    *****************

    Hi there, you like the fireplace, sweater, and pipe?

    I’m Ian Murphy. You may know me as the irreverent editor of TheBuffaloBeast.com. You may also know me as the guy who pranked Wisconsin governor Scott Walker and revealed his sinister plan to crush public unions. Or maybe you know me as your neighbor in New York’s 26th congressional district. You know the one recently vacated by Republican and trannie aficionado Chris Lee.

    Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against transsexuals. I think we all need to grow up about sex and gender in this country. It seems like the only people who can’t handle the truth about the varied sexual spectrum of human nature are republicans. They’re also the ones who always get busted sucking off chicks with dicks. Go figure. And our congressman before him, Tom Reynolds, knew all about Mark Foley’s creepy page scandal, and sat on it.

    Homosexuals are fine, what’s bad are homosexuals who vote for laws which repress homosexuals. You have to figure that someone with the self-loathing to oppress his own potential sexual partners will screw over just about anyone, including you

    But rank hypocrisy is a small problem in this country. The big problems are that the only people with a voice in this country are those who can afford it, that the billionaires create their wealth, not through a hard day’s work but by stealing from those who do, that not one Wall Street crook has gone to jail for wrecking the economy, and that we’re wasting vast treasure and lives on foolish military occupations.

    I come to you today to make a very special statement regarding the special election on the May 24th. I’m proud to announce that I am the official Green Party candidate to fill the seat in Congress.

    If elected, I will listen to you and work as hard as I can to solve the problems which are important to you. I further promise to screw the stooges of people like David Koch as hard and as high as I can. You know I can and will … just ask Scott Walker.

    Go to MurphyForCongress.com to find out more about my campaign.

    Thank you for listening.

    *end*

  • http://alfrankenweb.com/forum Sir Rhino

    Of course ;-)

    Two paragraphs were mine and the rest were all Ian’s with maybe minor alterations.

  • http://alfrankenweb.com/forum Sir Rhino

    Ian,

    I had a thought for a campaign picture

    Have a friend wear a dark suit, blue shirt, tie, American flag pin on his lapel, and stand next to him with a broad smile on your face. Put a two finger “donkey ears” behind his head. Photoshop a picture of Scott Walker’s face in place of your friend’s. Add the caption of your choice to the bottom.

    Voila :-D

    If you want you can check out
    http://www.google.com/images?hl=en&q=scott+walker+picture&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&wrapid=tlif130117231467110&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&sa=X&ei=a1COTYKMI8WtgQf1htivDQ&ved=0CC4QsAQ&biw=999&bih=591
    for that genuine “Walker Look”

  • http://alfrankenweb.com/forum Sir Rhino

    Hmmmm …

    “Debates … you can do a lot of shit in this campaign no one else can get away with”.

    Putting the two together I had an evil thought, but I don’t want to publically telegraph it yet I do want TWIB to see it.

    Any chance your resident computer geek can set up something like a phpBB BBS where you can have forums that only a few people (who you choose) can see? Over at AFW we have the Moderator’s Smoke Filled Room forum which does precisely that..

    http://www.phpbb.com/

  • Biff Squat-thrust

    I agree with a lot of Troll’s suggestions except for the apology; I mean, address it before someone else does, yeah, but point out that many conclusions were jumped to after reading the title only, none of the text. The part about growing up and changing mindset would work, but no apologies for who you are, Murphy. Ditto the weight loss thing, unless that’s something *you* want to do (yeah, I don’t see that happening either. You look great!).

    There are many many ways people can look up any and everything you’ve ever written/posted everywhere, so I wouldn’t try and second-guess what the public wants or how smart or stupid they may be.

  • Biff Squat-thrust

    P.S. –that debate/blog idea is brilliant.

  • Biff Squat-thrust

    Exactly!! I completely agree with you, Troll. Ian has a great advantage in that, as quoted earlier somewhere, he’s scandal-proof. It’s all right out there already. I hope he runs on that, and I hope he gets somewhere for real.

    Hee hee..trying to quit being on the pot? Are you “filling up” for a political career too?

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