"Totally coup, yo."

Obama, Republicans Reach Historic Compromise

Sep

08

by

Obama agrees to concede 2012 election, Republicans agree to have sex with the First Lady and kick First Daughters in the neck

BY JOE DIXON

obama-dixonObama hails the bipartisan victory, which will limit him to one term in office, allow Republicans to have sex wife his wife and kick his children in the neck

WASHINGTON — In what’s being hailed by the White House as a “victory for bipartisan cooperation,” President Barack Obama has conceded the 2012 presidential election to whomever the Republican nominee happens to be. The deal also lays the groundwork for the formation of a bipartisan, bicameral committee, which will be tasked with sexually violating the First Lady and kicking the President’s daughters, Sasha and Malia, in the throat.

“Is this the deal I would have preferred?” Mr. Obama asked during his prepared remarks. “No. But this deal will allow us to avoid partisan rancor and rise above the thick fog of economic uncertainty.”

The President has agreed to serve out the remainder of his term, so that Vice President Joe Biden doesn’t “get in there and do something loony” — a key demand for both Mr. Obama and Republican leaders.

Immediately after Mr. Obama’s remarks, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell came to the Senate floor to announce they had a pact.

“I know this agreement won’t make every Republican happy. It certainly won’t make every Democrat happy, either,” Reid said, sobbing. “Actually, nothing will make the Republicans happy. They could have every branch of government, control over the entire media, and have easy access to every orifice in the Obama family for their most depraved sexual desires, but it will never be good enough.”

“Yes,” agreed McConnell, “We will never stop taking.”

The bipartisan committee will face tough choices on how angrily and degradingly Republican leaders may sexually assault the First Lady and kick the Obama children, but some Republicans say the committee doesn’t have enough power.

“This President is not serious about this country’s future,” said House Majority Leader John Boehner. “Sex with his daughters needs to be on the table, and I think the American people are smart enough to see that.”

In his remarks, Mr. Obama championed a “balanced” approach to destroying his administration that includes both doing exactly what Republicans demand and agreeing to any demands he imagines Republicans might have in the future. “They didn’t even ask to kick my children,” said Obama. “This was my olive branch. And now Speaker Boehner wants to violate my underage daughters. This is the nature of compromise.”

When asked whether he now supported a primary challenge against the President, Senator Reid said, “You don’t just switch horses in mid stream. That horse may only be three feet tall, and the stream ten feet deep, but you just dig your heels in, and die a torturous, panicked death from drowning.”

“Over the next few months,” Mr. Obama said. “I’ll continue to make a compelling case for why I believe a balanced approach is necessary to sexually violate myself and my family, and destroy any possibility that I will be a two term President.”

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Joe Dixon has debated Al Sharpton in a barbershop. What the hell have you done? Check out his Youtube channel.

  • Brian

    Yeah, that’s about the size of it.

  • admin

    And it’s a comparable shape.

  • Nietzsche

    Hehe, Barack Chamberlain is in the haus baby

  • matt

    awesome, and it’s nice they brought on a new writer.

  • http://anteprepro.xanga.com/weblog/ Anteprepro

    It is a rather good compromise. I’m fairly certain that the Republicans, assholes that they are, would want to beat Michelle Obama into bloody pulp (because she hates America, ya see), so merely offering her up for sex is a nice middle ground on that one. And it’s already shown that Republicans, sick fucks that they are, want to have sex with Obama’s prepubescent daughters. So, merely kicking them in the necks is a nice middle ground on that one as well. He just needs to make one final deal, pertaining to what the Republicans want of Obama himself: The Republicans get to lynch him, but must only string him up on a half-sawed off branch, using a silky rope. And he must be allowed a view of a widescreen television screen, playing a baseball game, while he dangles. COMPROMISE!

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