"Totally coup, yo."

Other Lies Fox Viewers Will Believe about #OWS

Oct

18

by

BY JOE DIXON

You have got people having sex on the street, walking around topless, smoking pot…
-Sean Hannity on the protestors in Zuccotti Park, 10/14/2011

While it’s true that there are few people dumber than a Fox News viewer, can that lie really work? Yes, a 33,000-square-foot park, surrounded by cops 24 hours a day, is full of flagrant law breakers. And law enforcement is, what, masturbating to it? Handing out the weed? Well, god knows, cops are holding. And they’ve been so cool with the protesters that I guess anything is possible.

But, in the interest of being Fair & Balanced™, let’s examine some other totally plausible things that Fox News could say about the Occupy Wall Street people.

OWS was responsible for the Clone Storyline in Spider-Man

Spider-man, seen here, destroying capitalism

Yes, the worst Spider-Man idea since they ended his marriage to Mary Jane Watson but kept Aunt May alive! The damn, dirty hippies of Occupied Wall St. demanded that Spider-Man have a clone, which just screwed up that comic something awful. God damn them!

OWS Sabotaged Dan Wheldon’s Brakes

What a totally predictable tragedy

Two-time Indianapolis 500 winner Dan Wheldon, who died on October 16th in a horrific 15-car pileup in a season-ending Indycar race at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, was marked for death by OWS. Remember Mr. Wheldon was rich, white, straight and loved America. There was no way those anti-corporate cunts of Occupy Wall Street could ever let that stand.

Coauthor of the Occupy Wall Street Declaration Ryan Hoffman has gay sex with his dad, liberal icon Dustin Hoffman

Does Hoffman’s father dress as Tootsie when they have sex? Probably. Definitely. Probably. Yes.

Hoffman, who must be the son of Dustin Hoffman because they have the same last name, probably has gay anal sex with his father! Everyone knows Hollywood loves anal sex and, as secular Jews (Hoffman is a Jewish last name, isn’t it?), they hate all traditional American values — especially the kind where a man fucks his wife in the front hole as Jesus Christ commanded.

OWS converted Mitt Romney to Mormonism

Raise your hand if you’re in a nutty cult!

Speaking of our Lord and Savior, it was Occupy Wall Street who turned Mitt Romney on to the coffee-hating, totally not-Christ-endorsed Mormon Church. Now Republicans will be forced to vote for a black or a man who wears magic underwear and probably has 12 wives hidden away somewhere. Damn you Occupy Wall St.

OWS protesters are gay, Muslim Mexicans who are building a mosque right there in Zuccotti Park

The gay-Muslim-Mexican agenda

As has been established, because they hate America, the OWS crowds are doubtless homosexuals. And since they are a bunch of queers, they are definitely also Muslim and Mexican. Right now, they are building a Mosque dedicated to their Godless Master, Imam Richard Dawkins. If these people are allowed to continue to stay in that park we will be a nation under Atheist-Sharia Law by Christmas “The Holiday Season.”

OWS Helped Michelle Obama Murder And Bury The Love Child She Had With Chaz Bono

Michelle Obama, seen here, smothering an innocent child

Listen, she’s black and married to a Socialist Kenyan. He’s trangendered. Nuff said.

OWS held America down and forced Russell Brand down its throat

“You hate me because I get to play with Katy Perry’s American boobs whenever I want. And you will never.”

Probably the most insidious thing about these freaks occupying everywhere is the part they played in having Russell Brand come to America and force himself on our blessed country. Russell Brand is a drug addict who came from a foreign nation called, if you can believe it, “England!” His entire lifestyle is one of sick, lustful tomfoolery. Plus, look at his hair!

Down with Occupy Wall Street!

Hope that helps, Fox News!

_____________________________

  • Mike C.

    Russell Brand sucks. I think the hypothetical stupid people got that one. But Katy Perry is also awful. I’m assuming that implied jealousy of the English hairball is the wrongness of the hypothetical stupid people finding its equilibrium after accidentally being right about Brand.

    Then again, I’ve been living like a derelict to be journalistic and prove some kind of point politically, so yeah.

  • Mike C.

    Right now I’m jealous of anyone who can thoroughly wash their hands anytime they want.

    A squirt of sanitizer and a tablespoon of water from the portojohn “sink” do not satisfy my germ OCD.

  • Mike C.

    Oh, and um, if it’s not implied, I’m at Occupy Los Angeles.

    Well, not right this moment.

  • matt

    I can honestly see some of this shit on Fox news.

  • Brendan

    I’d rather have Doug Stanhope’s talent than Russell Brand’s success.

  • http://www.atheismtv.com AtheismTV

    I’m pretty sure Fucked News said that OWS is responsible for when pizzerias forget to put a little plastic table in the middle of the pizza, and the cheese sticks to the box.

  • Hilary

    Hilarious.

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

    An OCD OWS protester: “MIC CHECK! MIC CHECK! MIC CHECK! MIC CHECK! MIC CHECK!”

  • Anthony

    Aw, I’m so twinkling right now.

  • Anthony

    The branch of OWS out here in da islands is called “Deoccupy Honolulu” (Referring to the occupation of the Hawaiian islands by the U.S. government) and only comprises just over one hundred members. I guess we’re all too busy surfing and drinking mai tais to bother with political activism. The group ironically protested an APEC meeting wherein the purpose was the discussion of methods to alleviate global warming. It’s too bad a plain ticket out here is so costly or we might see a larger turn-out when APEC takes place in November.

  • http://www.hardleft.org/ MD Caigoy

    @Anthony

    “Aw, I’m so twinkling right now.”

    I stayed out of the voting process for a long time because of that. Terrible hand gestures.

  • http://youtu.be/6KkFvcNP4cQ Joe Dixon

    “for ocw to be a true success it will have to start controlling the conversation”

    The fact that the assholes who run this country are finally talking about something other than the deficit and austerity measures tells me OWS has already controlled the conversation.

  • Anthony

    @ MD Caigoy

    I’ll be honest, when I first witnessed that rather corny method of consensus building I was rather turned off. It was the kind of feeling one would get when one’s older sister and her friends decide to take over one’s treehouse and turn it into a tearoom- and make one play along. Twinkle? You want me to fucking twinkle!? Do you want to give the National Guard a perfectly valid reason to murder us!!? Are you not aware what these twinkling hands are capable of!!? I will do fucking MURDERS!! *deep breaths*

    But hey- you know what? The system appears to be working, and I’m sure that if I were brave enough to actually be there I’d say gee shucks and go along like everyone else. It looks rather cozy actually- apart from the ever-growing masses of unwashed peasants and all. If Anyone sees Chris Hedges down there please give him a hug for me.

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