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Know Your Vandersloots!

Feb

20

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Frank VanderSloot is an Idaho billionaire, a national finance co-chair of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, and a major contributor to the pro-Romney Super PAC, Restore Our Future.


Joran Van der Sloot
is a sociopath, Dutch citizen, and former Aruba resident who was the main suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway.


Frank VanderSloot is the Chairman & CEO of Melaleuca, Inc., a creepy pyramid scheme which offers home cleaning products, dietary supplements, mortgage readjustments, and even debt relief services — which you probably need if you’re pyramid selling.


Joran Van der Sloot pled guilty in Peru to the robbery and murder of Stephany Tatiana Flores Ramírez, who he killed 5 years to the day after Holloway went missing.


Frank VanderSloot is a devout Mormon who ostensibly believes that God is a magical flesh-and-blood man who lives on the planet Kolob, and that if he’s good on earth, he will become a similar God in the afterlife.


Joran Van der Sloot was caught on undercover video by the Dutch media admitting to have witnessed Halloway’s death.


Frank VanderSloot is virulently anti-gay, and his beard “wife” donated $100,000 to help promote California’s unconstitutional same-sex marriage ban Proposition 8.

 

Joran Van der Sloot attended the International School of Aruba, where he was an honors student, and considered to be a soccer and tennis star.

 

Frank VanderSloot is an overly litigiousness jerk who often threatens news outlets and blogs when they report about what an overly litigiousness jerk he is.

 

Joran Van der Sloot reportedly receives fan mail, marriage proposals, and sexually explicit offers from moronic women all over the world.

 

Frank VanderSloot‘s Melaleuca, Inc., was  warned by the FDA to stop pyramid-selling unapproved drugs and making unproven claims about their health benefits.

 

Joran Van der Sloot was ordered to pay the Flores family $75,000; he is currently serving a 28 year term in prison.

 

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H/T to Glenn Greenwald & Nancy Grace

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Fuck You, Dave Mustaine

Feb

17

by

BEAST Metal Geek is Mad

Like many suburban white kids who don’t get to be part of the popular clique, I acquired a taste for heavy metal in my high school years. There were plenty of metal bands I was (and still am) into — Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Metallica, Slayer, etc. — but the band I identified with the most was Megadeth. The pissed off ravings of Dave Mustaine really spoke to me. Whether he was rallying against the negative influence of religion on “Holy Wars…The Punishment Due,” or the military industrial complex on “Hangar 18,” I understood what he was saying, and as someone who was new to being a bleeding heart liberal, it felt like it mattered.

Mustaine, seen here, being a douche

Now, however, all that is gone forever. In recent years, Mustaine had shifted to the right a little bit, becoming a born-again Christian, and his last album had a song called “We The People” which seemed to just be a straight up endorsement of the Tea Party.

This was disconcerting, but nothing to get too worked up about. Now, however, Mustaine has truly gone often the deep end, endorsing Rick Santorum for President. Rick Fucking Santorum?! Are you shitting me, dude?! The most vile, racist, homophobic piece of shit in a race crawling with them? That’s just fucking low.

It wouldn’t have shocked me too much if he had endorsed Ron Paul. Mustaine seems like the kind of guy who screams about liberty in a way where you’re not completely sure what he’s talking about. But no, my heavy metal hero had to go all the way into the deep end, endorsing the absolute worst of the worst.

Why does this matter, you ask? After all, as Chuck Klosterman pointed out, it’s not like this is going to actually help Santorum. It’s because this a complete betrayal of everything I thought Dave Mustaine stood for. He seemed like a crusader for the little guy, someone who actually cared about the outcasts of the world. Not in a sloganeering sort of way like Lady Gaga, but in a way that was actually relatable. If he thinks a man who wants to treat gay people as less than human should be president, however, then I know that was all a lie.

Additionally, so many of Mustaine’s classic lyrics seem like utter bullshit now. Like the aforementioned “Holy Wars…” Its opening line spoke against “killing for religion, something I don’t understand.” So wait, killing for religion is wrong, but justifying hatred on the basis of religion is fine? And in “Hangar 18,” he delivers the immortal line “military intelligence/two words combined that can’t make sense,” but he’s cool with a President who wants to bomb the fuck out of Iran as soon as possible? Both those lyrics came from the Rust In Peace album, which Megadeth was performing in its entirety as recently as 2010. Why sing that shit if you clearly don’t believe it, Dave?

So yeah, I’ve loved Dave Mustaine and Megadeth for a long time, but now, he can fuck off. In the immortal words of the Simpsons’ Jimbo Jones, “You’ve changed, man! I don’t believe in nuthin’ no more, I’m goin’ to law school!”

UPDATE: Apparently, Dave saw how pissed everyone was getting about this, and released a statement on Megadeth.com saying that he never truly endorsed Santorum. This feels like blatant backpeddling, though. His exact words were “I’m hoping that if it does come down to it, we’ll see a Republican in the White House next year … and that it’s Rick Santorum.” Even if he didn’t actually use the word “endorse,” it doesn’t matter. That quote is practically the definition of an endorsement. Just like Metallica can’t undo the damage they did to Mustaine’s psyche when they kicked him out, Mustaine can’t undo this dumbassery.

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TWiC #7: Flat Earthers Are Probably Smarter Than You

Feb

17

by

… But they’re still wrong.

“It is error only, and not truth, that shrinks from inquiry.” -Thomas Paine

Last weekend my Twitter timeline blew up when Kirk Cameron showed up at CPAC to lecture at the attendees about creationism and the worldwide mad deadly evolution conspiracy. But the mocking wasn’t coming from scientists or secular activists who work at keeping religion out of science classrooms. Those people tend to not show up at events like CPAC. No, it was coming pretty much exclusively from liberal political activist bloggers and journalists. And not only that, it was also exclusively coming from bloggers and journalists who, as far as I could tell, have never once written about biological evolution or the fallacies involved in creationist arguments. I speculated that most of them have never even opened a text on evolution before.

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500 Episodes?

Feb

16

by

The Confusing State Of The Simpsons

When people talk about The Simpsons, they tend to come to one of two conclusions. There’s the “It’s just fucking awful now” crowd, which insists that the show has not produced a single laugh since 1997, and there’s the “It’s still good!” crowd, which completely denies that there has been any decline, and that The Simpsons is as good as ever, and the fans who think otherwise are just a pack of ungrateful curmudgeons.

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J.C. Penney offers hilarious response to "The Daily BEAST"

Feb

16

by

Sweatshop retailer funds anti-gay and pro-gay politicians, so it’s all good, says spokesperson

 

A few days ago The BEAST broke the story that J.C. Penney, despite a very public claim to “share values” with their openly gay spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres, contributes to anti-gay politicians through its PAC. Well, in response to a media inquiry, the folks over at J.C. Penney have offered us this bizarre statement:

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The BEASTies: War Horse

Feb

15

by

 ”That one alone will get us a couple crates of glue!” 

0-15:00 The movie opens with John Williams piloting a plane with his orchestra who he has kidnapped. The deal is that they have to keep playing that sappy music he likes so much or else he will crash the plane. You ever wondered how he managed to get so much soundtrack work? Now you know. So Williams is spying on this town which seems to exist only for the sake of a horse-driven economy. Most people’s lives revolve around buying and selling horses. No other commerce is permitted. One of these horses is called War Horse, and a family trains him to assassinate a member of Austrian royalty. War Horse is obviously a code name for Whitney Houston. The horse starts smoking rocks all day.

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Separated at Birth?

Feb

15

by

Newt Gingrich’s “Faith Leaders Dream Team”…

… and the Nazgûl?

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BEASTcast 19: Adam WarRock

Feb

13

by

BEASTcast Episode 19: Adam WarRock (mp3)

Adam WarRock is a nerd rapper who releases a ridiculous amount of free content through his website. His newest album, You Dare Call That Thing Human?!?, was released just this week. We talk about nerdcore rap, comic books, sci-fi, ragequitting, politics, and his newest album.

You can buy his newest album here. Also, check him out on tour if you can.

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J.C. Penney Winter Hypocrisy Sale!

Feb

13

by

Sweatshop retailer hires lesbian, donates thousands to homophobic politicians

According to my Facebook & Twitter feeds, I’m supposed to be inspired that J.C. Penney is forward-thinking enough to have an openly gay spokesperson in Ellen DeGeneres. It is kind of cool that the company didn’t capitulate to the puritanical zealots calling for her dismissal. And it wasn’t just a savvy business move to retain the popular talk show host and trendsetter, says J.C. Penney CEO Ron Johnson, “because she shares the same values that we do in our company.” 

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The Grammys: An exercise in existential despair

Feb

11

by


I can’t decide if the Grammys are relevant. On the one hand, they have a nasty habit of ignoring modern trends — like when Kanye West and Amy Winehouse lost Album of The Year to Herbie Hancock doing Joni Mitchell covers, or that time Radiohead and Lil Wayne lost to Robert Plant’s and Alison Krauss’s bluegrass concept album about how Robert Plant hates touring with Jimmy Page. But on the other hand, humanity has a few scant generations left before global warming decimates our civilization, and wipes out most life on planet earth.

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