"Totally coup, yo."

Republican Math!

Feb

11

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The BEASTies: Midnight in Paris

Feb

10

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0-10:00 Johnny and Jane America have tagged along with Jane’s parents to Paris. They hate each other and are probably only engaged to spite each other. Jane meets up with some of her friends and they all go out of town together so they can throw rocks at Johnny while yelling homophobic slurs at him for being a sissy boy who enjoys France, rain, and other gay stuff like that.

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TWiC #6: Obama is a Secret Pharaoh Clone

Feb

09

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“OBAMA! And BIDEN! The Three Musketeers!”

So it looks like birtherism is about as dead as we could hope. Sure, the WorldNetDaily and Washington Times crowd will never be convinced Barack Obama is an American human, but the public consciousness has at least shifted enough around this issue that when someone admits to being a birther it’s pretty much the end of any serious conversation. So now the would-be birthers who still want to be taken seriously have to limit their race-baiting to the kind of dog-whistle buzz words and phrases that people like Newt Gingrich are so fond of.

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The BEASTies: The Help

Feb

07

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0-20:00 This movie is set in a commune of Ron Paul supporters who like to bus in African-American women from the movie Gone With the Wind to show them what it’s like to have liberty and stuff. Aibileen and Minny are two of them. Skeeter is a blogger and has a quota of 15 posts per day, not including LOLcats. This is very difficult to do without any internet, so she gets her white supremacist friends to loan her their slaves to sub-contract out her blogging “work.” We also meet a woman named Celia  who is ostracized because she is too naive to be racist, and Hilly the former Nazi prison guard.

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5 Signs of The Rise Of The Planet Of The Lucky Duckies

Feb

06

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The BEAST looks at the brighter side of poverty

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT THINGS about poverty that are never fully covered by the media.  It’s never pointed out, for example, that for all it’s supposed down sides, having no money is actually a good thing. Why, it’s like getting your balls licked and your shoes shined every single day! You female double-amputees know what I’m talking about. I mean, you have no concerns about payments on your second home, or where to vacation, and yet you still get to have a refrigerator and a microwave. How awesome is that? I had no idea a college education would make me such a Lucky Ducky, but here I am.

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The BEASTies, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Feb

05

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Tom Hanks revives his role from Toy Story 3 as an al Qaeda terrorist. This time he’s bombing the World Trade Center on orders from Dick Cheney and Popular Mechanics magazine. On September 11, his son Oskar is let out of his Modrassa early so he can burn American flags and celebrate the beginning of the final battle between the followers of the Prophet Mohammed and the infidels. When he gets home, he listens to the messages on his answering machine from Tom Hanks (Peace and Blessings Be Upon His Name) which inform him that their mission was a success and that Allah is great.

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TWiC #5: Sally Morgan and other frauds

Feb

03

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“Gimme all your money or I’ll crush your head for Jesus!”

One of the more celebrated debunking instances among skeptics is when James Randi and his cohorts caught the notorious scam artist / phony “faith healer” Peter Popoff red-handed lying to his audiences. For those who don’t know this story, Popoff’s staff would ask the audience as they were arriving to fill out “prayer cards” with their names, contact info, and which ailments they were hoping to cure by showing up. Popoff’s wife would collect them and during the performance, she would read some of the more promising entries and transmit the information to a receiver Popoff had hidden in an earpiece.

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Capitalism! Overeating! Madonna! Oh, and football.

Feb

02

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The Beast Super Bowl preview!


Before I give you my take on this year’s Super Bowl, there’s one thing you should know: my opinions will be completely biased. I’m a diehard Patriots fan, and this Sunday there’s nothing I’d like to see more than the Pats ripping the Giants to shreds, while Eli Manning sobs on the sideline in disgrace like the over-hyped, less-talented sibling that he is, therefore making up for the crime against humanity that happened 4 years ago, when the Giants somehow managed to beat the Pats, which still stands as the single worst day of my life.

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The 50 Most Loathsome Americans

Feb

01

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50) Ian Murphy
Crimes: He’s so lazy and drug-addled, Murphy posts a year-end article in February of the following year and thinks that that’s acceptable. Only on this list as a blatant act of self-promotion/preemptive defense against critics, Murphy believes he did enough last year to talk about himself in the third person. Murphy “stole” the identity of David Koch and prank called the Governor of Wisconsin, was denounced by the Society of Professional Journalists and defended by Rush Limbaugh, derped for Congress with 1% of the vote, dedicated more time to making a parody website for his Republican opponent than he does grooming, volunteered for a rival’s campaign, gave $100 to James O’Keefe, reportedly got arrested for waving a dildo around at a National Organization For Marriage rally, and got canned from a well-read blog because he once wrote an article called “Fuck the Troops.” Is fat. Bad at spalling.
Smoking Gun: “I ran for Congress to spend less time with my family.”
Sentence: Haunted by his many successes.

49) Harold Camping
Crimes: To hype his May 21st Judgment Day, the frog-voiced preaching mummy rented over 1,200 billboards, all of which Jesus totally missed. It wouldn’t matter if this guy was just masturbating under his “End is Nigh” sandwich board, like a respectable doomsayer, but every time he “predicts” the rapture many of his 200,000 benighted listeners max-out their credit cards for his $72 million Family Radio, and some lunatic slashes her children’s throats, so they won’t have to suffer through the tribulation.
Smoking Gun: In this May 19th BEAST interview with Camping you can hear a vacuum — because nothing says you sincerely believe the END OF THE WORLD is two days away, and not an obvious scam to bilk your followers, like keeping up on housework.
Sentence: Deathbed conversion to Scientology, posthumously baptized by Mormons, savings bequeathed to a charity chosen by Ricky Gervais.

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