"Totally coup, yo."

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The BEAST Page 3 “Suicide”

Aug

05

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Name: Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi

Turn-ons: Allah, the sweet release of death, prop comedy.

Turn-offs: Press blackouts, infidels, organ failure.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 “Suicide”: Well, I ran a Jihadi training camp in Afghanistan, but I’m best known as the source for the bogus “Saddam trained Al Qaeda in chemical weapons” story that made its way into Colin Powell’s infamous UN speech. But hey, it wasn’t my fault! I was renditioned to Egypt by the CIA, so they could get medieval on my ass. I told those assholes that there wasn’t any link to Saddam, but then they put me in a coffin for 17 hours. When they finally pulled me out, they beat me mercilessly. Well, after that, I was all “Saddam this” and “Osama that” and “chemical weapons whatever,” as you can imagine. Anyway, later on the CIA sent me to Libya, where I was sentenced to life in prison. Then, just a few weeks ago, it came out that Cheney micromanaged my torture, and specifically requested that Saddam-Iraq lie. That is to say, he had me tortured with the specific intent of producing false evidence. So they had me killed, of course. Hell, the report of my “suicide” didn’t even specify when or how I died.

Future Plans: These 72 virgins are total uggos, so I’ve been spending a lot of time drinking from the rivers of wine around here. No, seriously, I’m in hell, of course. But the funny thing is, I’m so used to being tortured, they just gave up on me. Now I just hang out in my room and watch reruns of “Yes, Dear.” It’s the only show we get down here.



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BECOMING A BETTER PERSON

Aug

05

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How to Avoid not doing nothing

BY EILEEN JONES

I don’t know if you’ve ever considered trying to become, ahem, a Better Person. Not that I recommend it—everything associated with becoming a Better Person (BP for short) is pretty unpleasant. Like most of humanity, I’m comfortable in a state of complete moral rot, which makes self-improvement difficult. But, I don’t know, there’s something in the air lately. Everybody’s all, “yes we can!” Oddly well-behaved young people now expect you to recycle and be tolerant and volunteer for stuff and not drink so much, and are shocked when you disappoint them.

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FIRST GITMO DETAINEE BROUGHT TO U.S. ESCAPES & KILLS 5,600 IN ‘HELLISH FLAMES’

Aug

05

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What began as the normal transportation of a Guantanamo Bay detainee to the United States ended in chaos and destruction today, as prisoner Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani easily escaped custody and leveled 15 New York City blocks, killing and injuring over 30,000 people.

Authorities say Ghailani used a combination of terrorist training and telekinetic powers to unleash a wave of supervillainy on New York.

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OPEN ASS, INSERT HEAD

Aug

05

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If Paulson’s a national hero, I’m Batman
BY MATT TAIBBI

Hank Paulson is a national hero. I said it last October and I’m sticking by it. And now, there’s actual evidence to back me up. The TARP bailout worked. The Wall Street crisis is over.”

-Evan Newmark, It’s Time to Enshrine Hank Paulson as National Hero

So here’s the letter I wrote to the Wall Street Journal after reading Evan Newmark’s paean to Hank Paulson last week:

Dear WSJ,

Just out of curiosity — did Evan Newmark ever work for Goldman, Sachs? And if the answer to the question is yes, don’t you think that might have been a good fact to disclose before he fellated Hank Paulson in his “Mean Street” column?

Sincerely,
Matt Taibbi

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FUTURE SHLOCK!

Aug

05

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I talked to Vernor Vinge, John Searle, Daniel Dennett, Alan Wexelblat and Noam Chomsky about robots and junk

BY IAN MURPHY

IN AUGUST, 2001 mathematician and award-winning Sci-fi author Vernor Vinge wrote:

But I think the ‘Terrorist Horseman’ is the one that could shift our whole society toward strict controls. Just a few really ghastly terrorists incidents would be enough to cause a sea change in public opinion.

Consummately prescient, he typed the above in response to a collection of essays which were bound with the reissue of his 1981 novella True Names, which was about virtual reality. What do you think of that, Pepper?

-IM

Where is that? For real. Do you have any conditions I should know about?”

-Pepper, Second Life Chatterbot

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WHAT'S THE B.I.G. IDEA?

Aug

05

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Karl Widerquist wants to give you instant cash now!

BY IAN MURPHY

Defeated right-wing lunatics may be crying “SOCIALISM!” but REAL socialism is actually pretty cool. And to prove it, we talked to evil socialist, rocker and PhD of Economics Dr. Karl Widerquist.

Ian Murphy: Give it to us straight, Doc. Will the economy ever dance again?

Karl Widerquist: People are spending way too much time worrying about this recession and recessions in general. A recession is a decline of a few percentage points in our total economic output. Compared to our real economic problems, that is of secondary importance. Even if we had a repeat of the Great Depression, and output declined by 25% our capacity to produce goods for each person would fall back to the level of about 1987.

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WHORES ON TERROR

Aug

05

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Never mind the waterboarding, here’s the sodomy

BY ALLAN UTHMAN

“Yasser tearfully described that when he reached the top of the steps ‘the party began…They started to put the [muzzle] of the rifle [and] the wood from the broom into [my anus]. They entered my privates from behind.’ …Yasser estimated that he was penetrated five or six times during this initial sodomy incident and saw blood ‘all over my feet’ through a small hole in the hood covering his eyes.”

Physicians for Human Rights, Broken Laws, Broken Lives: Medical Evidence of Torture by US Personnel and Its Impact

Waterboarding. It’s all we seem to discuss when comes to American torture. Whenever you see people discussing “enhanced interrogation” on your TV, chances are they’ll be throwing around the same tired arguments, all revoling around waterboarding. Why, of all the things we’ve done to our suspected (and not-so-suspected) terrorist detainees, is waterboarding the issue? Why confine the rapidly dwindling debate to that single technique? We’ve engaged in a lot of other practices that qualify universally as torture. Are sleep deprivation or “Palestinian hanging” not controversial enough? Is solitary confinement too mundane?

How about sodomy? Is that something we consider unremarkable?

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TWITTERS RULES!

Aug

05

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by GRAND AYATOLLAH ALI KHAMENEI

SupremeK Hello my friends! This is your Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei! I am very happy to be using this wonderful new technology, twitter. God wi

SupremeK What happened? Hmm. I guess they haven’t gotten all the bugs out yet. Kind of like Iran’s election process! Ha! But seriously, I want to rea

SupremeK I don’t get this. It keeps cutting me off after just a few words. That can’t possibly be how it’s supposed to work, can it? Hmm. Because tha

SupremeK This is worse than a telegram. How on earth is this the cool new thing? It’s like a blog, but way worse! Stupid infidel technology.

SupremeK Ha! I said something that time! I guess the trick is just to keep it short. I am not used to being cut off, being the holy ruler of my count

SupremeK Dammit!! That is so annoying! No wonder the protesters are so angry! LOL! Anyway, I just wanted to let my people know that there’s no way

SupremeK The election couldn’t have been stolen, because we, like, counted the votes. I know it was awful quick, but that’s because I use a method I lik

SupremeK e to call “Holy counting”, which basically involves me waving my hands around and then Allah beams the numbers into my head. He’s Allah, he

SupremeK wouldn’t jerk me around. Besides, I am inerrant, so even if I just took a guess it would be right. PWND! I agree it’s a bit odd–well, seems

SupremeK odd–that the vote count in 50 or so cities is actually higher than the population, but again, it’s only by a few million, so be cool, people

SupremeK Hey @Mousavi you need to chill out dude Mahmoud won get over it. You getting peeps killed so CHILL BRO!

SupremeK I think I’m getting used to this.Hey Americans leave Iran alone why not get off your butts and play some soccer? Lard butts LOL PWND!

SupremeK BTW did any1 see Meghan McCain on Bill Maher? What a bimbo! Begala destroyed her without even trying! Slut should cover herself!

SupremeK Oh yeah you can’t watch that here we shut down all media, speaking of which I saw some cell phone vids of people dancing NO DANCING

SupremeK Dancing and singing is not cool people. Listen to me, I’m telling you it only leads to more sins against Allah. No dancing and no protest

SupremeK Stop blowing up the Basij, they are nice guys you would like them when they’re not shooting your chest LOL

SupremeK LOL Fred Thompson’s on Meet the Press—betcha wish you’d stayed at the Manhattan DA’s office numbnuts. Dissing Obama so I guess he’s cool now

SupremeK Hey, @Schwarzenegger: I’ve got an idea for your money probs: drill baby drill! ROFL just kidding, we have all the oil too bad ;..(

SupremeK OK that was mean, sorry. This twitter thing is gay like the protesters. Ya heard? Protester are teh gay!!

SupremeK Remember, the election results can’t be rigged because then I will have been wrong when I said they weren’t, and I can’t be wrong

SupremeK What’s the big deal anyway? It’s not like Mousavi is going to let you dance! Only I may dance!

SupremeK LOL keyboard cat is hilarious! Turn the volume down, it’s not religious music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J—aiyznGQ

SupremeK Hey @Neda, sorry but you should have been home cooking rice, no one gets shot making rice! Unless my thugs invade their home LOL

SupremeK Am I the only one who misses Bush? LMAO

SupremeK CNN is so lame they don’t even broadcast my tweets! I swear that black guy is a robot

SupremeK how many Jews can you fit on one soundstage? Ask Wolf Blitzer LOL

SupremeK That whore Christiane Amanpour is showing her hair again! WHORE!

SupremeK You see people, if you continue to sow dissent women will walk around with their hair out

SupremeK That’s it people! Next time no election! Now going to get some fried eggplant YUMMY!


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