The BEAST endures the awful ‘Get Motivated” seminar in Buffalo, NY. Speakers included Steve Forbes, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Montana and Colin Powell. In between the big names and God-talk, ass-hats tried to sell the crowd a $3,200 investment software package — you know, to get motivated!
A Beaster Miracle
BY IAN MURPHY
“But, what?” I wondered, pinning my bright red fedora to the curly afro-wig. I checked my face paint in the side mirror and smiled.
“But,” she reflected, steering the wheel, “it is sort of mean.”
“Like teaching a small child that they’re going to hell?” I shot back. “Straighten up and fly right, Little Jimmy, or it’s Satan’s pitchfork—right in your ass—for all motherfucking eternity!” I illustrated by repeatedly stabbing the dashboard with my balloon-animal fish.
“OK!” she relented. “But what’s the point?”
As fun as shooting pirates is, it may not be smart
BY ALLISON KILKENNY
It seems like only yesterday when Ron Paul was nearly guillotined on live television for suggesting that 9/11 was caused by this thing called “blowback.” It was 2007, and the Republicans were jockeying for the position of frontrunner during the national debate season. Rudy “9/11” Guliani, never one to pass up reminding everyone of a national tragedy so we’ll forget what a horrible, little human being he really is, lept for Paul’s jugular.
ELEVEN COMMON SENSE WAYS TO BEAT THE RECESSION
BY IAN MURPHY
We all know the economy has taken a beating.1 But it seems like no one (including the – HA! – “economists”) has the slightest “idea” what to do about “it.”
In fact, from Tim Geithner to Larry Summers, the people in charge of fixing the problem are the very villains who helped make this mess! They’ve had every chance to redeem themselves, but their policies are proving as bankrupt as the US Treasury.
Well, America, it’s high time we grab the bull by the horns (you may want to put on gloves; you don’t know where they’ve been2) and steer the rampaging beast toward the red flag (not code for Communism3) of economic prosperity.
Ingenuity has always been our economic engine.4 And what we need now to overcome this recession is creativity – that can-do American spirit of invention! So here, I offer some new, practical ways to stimulate the economy: