Fake Fascism, Phony Populism & False Outrage

BY ALLAN UTHMAN

I’m actually starting to feel sorry for conservatives. They’ve never made much sense, but the trouncing they took in November appears to have driven them completely insane.

I can’t think of a better word to describe people who meet up to protest taxes when taxes have not been raised, or who actually accuse the president who ended torture of being a fascist.

It seems fairly obvious, but if taxes and deficits were the issue, these same people would have been out in the streets for years now. The real issues, the true motives behind these paltry protests, are fairly simple: They lost, and there’s a black guy with a foreign-sounding name in the White House. Does anyone think a bunch of old white people would be out in the street shouting crazy shit about fascism if Hillary Clinton was president? Not a chance. They’d be mad, but not insane.

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THE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE

Like all y’all, I wanted to know why the hell my February 2009 issue of The Beast had not arrived. I dig that the January issue came out late. I accepted the fact that it takes time to put together such a righteously fine list of loathsome motherfuckers. The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2008 was worth waiting for, you know what I mean? Nevertheless, I didn’t expect to be waiting more than four weeks for the next issue to come out. Now they tell me that there ain’t gonna be no February issue and they’re gonna skip right on to March. So, because they’re a bunch of pussies, they asked me to apologize on their behalf and to kind of break down the why of it for y’all.

While I don’t actually have to pay for a subscription up here in heaven, I’ve been told that you motherfuckers that do pay for your subscriptions will still get the ones that are coming to you, that is the number you paid for. As for what’s up with this missing an issue shit it breaks down like this:

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There’s still no relief from Republican math

BY ALLAN UTHMAN

“Tonight, we tell America: We know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad.”

- Michael Steele

Remember “Bush Derangement Syndrome?” That was the flippant label Republicans applied to the outrage liberals have been displaying toward the Bush administration for the past six years. Well, at least we waited for him to start screwing up before we got mad. Obama Derangement Syndrome, on the other hand, has swept the heartland with amazing speed, starting well before he took the oath of office.

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BY IAN MURPHY

It came to me in a crystalline vision. Like Tesla, but dimmer. I could see the device functioning flawlessly in my mind’s eye, silhouetted by autumn dusk. Its design was simple, elegant, radio-controlled. The distant controller triggered the motor, turning the winch, winding the string, squeezing the pneumatic garden sprayer handle—and POOP! My invention wouldn’t revolutionize the world as did Tesla’s alternating current, but it would shoot shit at Karl Rove.

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Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

Dear Muzzamil,

I’ve been married for nearly a decade, and frankly, things have become a little lackluster in the bedroom. I’ve put on sexy lingerie, lit candles and played Al Green albums but nothing seems to work. My husband isn’t getting the hints; he’s only interest in watching TV! What can I do, Muzzamil?

-Losing my head in Buffalo

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