"Totally coup, yo."

Me Want Hockey

Sep

19

by

With hockey season at risk, Canada threatens to release a new Simple Plan album.

Naturally, Tim Thomas blamed the lockout on Obama.

You know what’s been great about 2012? No ugly, prolonged lockouts. Unlike last year, all four major sports are going off without a hitch and we don’t have to concern ourselves with some endless, repetitive labor disp- wait, what? Really? You’re fucking kidding me! No hockey season, again?! God, I fucking hate Gary Bettman.

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Dylan Still Rolling at 71

Sep

14

by

Review of Bob Dylan’s Tempest

I pretty much feel the same way about Bob Dylan that I do about Arrested Development (the TV show, not the rap group), which is to say that I enjoy both quite a bit, but I’ve never understood the insane levels of worship that either has received. This inevitably frustrates a lot of people, but while I like a lot of Bob Dylan’s work, I’ve never fully gotten what makes him the Greatest Songwriter Ever, as so many have dubbed him.

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My Rejected Fantasy Football Column!

Aug

30

by

Read The Article That A Subsidiary of ESPN Didn’t Think Was Good Enough!

 

A few weeks ago, Grantland began a contest to be their fantasy football writer. While I’m not much of a fantasy person (I won my league in 2010, but mostly because everyone else stopped paying attention), I thought I’d give it a try. Sadly, the results came in yesterday, of the 4000 entrants, I did not make the top 10. Thanks to the existence of alcohol, I’m not too broken up about this, but I figured since I did put some work into the column, why not put it out there and give people a chance to read it. If you’re unfamiliar with the rules, the instructions were to name your top 5 fantasy players and one sleeper. So, here’s my rejected entry into Grantland’s Fantasy Football Writer contest. Enjoy!

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Why Scab Refs Will Ruin Football Season

Aug

20

by

For the first time ever, NFL referees actually are as bad as fans think they are.


The NFL may start letting actual zebras be referees.

If you’re a sports fan, you hate the refs. That’s pretty much a given. No matter which team you root for in whatever sport, you have thought on numerous occasions that referees were either the dumbest human beings on the face of the earth, or they had a deliberate bias against your team. When they lose a close playoff game, if any blame at all can be placed on the refs, that’s where you place it. And if your team somehow manages to win the title, you think they did it in spite of all the horrid officials who were trying to screw them over.

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Turn That Racket Down

Aug

17

by

Am I too old for Lollapalooza?

Young festivalgoers enjoy not yet realizing that festivals are terrible

Making a mad dash for the metro on Sunday, I wiggled through the fifth or sixth American Apparel-clad clusterfuck of the evening. As I bolted past the hordes of skinny, singing 20-somethings drunk on $7 cans of Bud, and out of Chicago’s Grant Park after an agonizing weekend of Lollapalooza, it was obvious that I was the only one in sight saying sayonara to the musical festival sans sorrow. Rather than a forced au revoir, my departure through the park gates was an all-or-nothing jailbreak. The tens of thousands of others solemnly said farewell for another year. I said goodbye for good. 

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Fuck The Lakers

Aug

13

by

Especially Kobe. But really, fuck all of them.


A rare moment of Howard not trying to get a coach fired

If we had to pick the most maddening team in all of the four major sports, I’m guessing it would come down to a virtual tie between the Yankees and the Lakers. Both teams win constantly, primarily because they spend money left and right, usually so they can take the best players from other, less fortunate teams. I can easily see hating either team, but I became a Yankees fan when I was 6, and there’s no turning back now. At least not until Jeter retires.

But the Lakers? They really burn my cannoli. After two “off” years in which they only made it to the second round of the playoffs, everyone’s least favorite NBA franchise reloaded in grand fashion this summer. First they added Steve Nash, who is somehow still one of the league’s best point guards despite being almost 40. Because turning the most likeable guy in the league over to the dark side wasn’t enough, the Lakers also added the league’s best center, Dwight Howard. Combining Nash and Howard with Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol gives the Lakers an extremely potent stating lineup, and puts them among the favorites to win the title next season. Just like always.

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Open Letter to Torture Apologist Sam Harris

Aug

10

by

Harris, seen here, working on his next book

Dear Torture Apologist Sam Harris,

You rarely cease to amaze. For a man who coldly advocates the brutal physical and psychological torture of others, you demonstrate a remarkable level of cowardice when confronted with the slightest written criticism. As if fully incapable of sensing irony, you describe my critique of your pro-torture stance as “poisonous,” and ramble on for over 2,200 words, hiding behind this disingenuous excuse and that, about why you don’t have the time to effectively respond to such “attacks.” Impressive.

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What’s The Mehta With Atheists?

Aug

07

by

Stalin: a great atheist, but a crap skeptic

Last week, I wrote a piece for AlterNet/Salon in which I railed against five prominent atheists (Penn Jillette, Sam Harris, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Bill Maher, and S.E. Cupp), for their respective irrational beliefs in matters nonreligious. Criticism of my article ranged from absurd AlterNet comments like:

This article is nothing but B.S. spouted by a Christian zealot. It looks like we’re the l;ast nation on earth with missionaries

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We All Give Money To Assholes

Jul

30

by

Boycotting Chick-Fil-A can only get us so far

These people really fucking suck. I don’t have a joke here. They just really suck

By now, you’ve probably heard of the ongoing kerfuffle over Chick-Fil-A’s public opposition to gay marriage. It had always been well-known that the company gave donations to homophobic organizations, but this time, they took it to another level, with company president Dan Cathy publicly stating his views on the matter, and quickly creating an epic shitstorm of bad PR.

It’s easy to understand why people are pissed off. Our country is slowly but surely realizing that gay people are, in fact, humans, and should be treated as such. The days when people who opposed gay marriage were people who liberals could “respectfully disagree with” are long gone, and these people are now being viewed for who they really are: hateful bigots. The simple fact of the matter is, if you oppose gay marriage (or any type of gay rights), then you support discrimination, and that is tantamount to hatred regardless to how you view gays from an emotional standpoint.

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Ignoring The Westboro Baptist Church

Jul

23

by

Just Don’t Look

He still isn't as bad as Kirk Cameron

It didn’t take long.

A little less than a day after hearing about the tragic shooting at a showing of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Colorado, I would find the first article about the Westboro Baptist Church picketing the funerals of the victims. If you don’t know by now, the WBC are a pimple on society’s ass that dedicates their entire existence to making sure we all know just how much God hates gay people. They do this by picketing the funerals of soldiers, shooting victims, and just about anywhere else where people are likely to pay attention to them.

They are firmly in the running for the title of Most Disgusting People On The Planet.

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