"Totally coup, yo."


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STUPID:

Apr

06

by

How to Lose Money Running a Speed Lab

BY JOHN DOLAN

Part Five: Back to Berkeley for the Big Epiphany

Butler knelt by the beaker while the white flakes drifted down, chanting “every one a $20 bill.” There didn’t seem to me to be as many as there were supposed to be, a light snow at the bottom of whatever toxic liquid was in the beaker. But he was the chem. Major, not me. And the sooner we finished the final sacrament the sooner we could pack up the Frankenstein glassware and pour the leftover poisons down the sink and get out of there.

I did feel bad about leaving my parents’ property steeped with the cat-pee smell of speed cookery. Even asked Butler to help me wipe the walls down, but he had to tend to the product. We bagged it, still wet and yellower than I’d expected, more like a paste than powder. He double- and triple-bagged it, put it inside his Clark Kent sportcoat and headed back to Berkeley.

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MINDS, BRAINS AND SILLINESS

Apr

06

by

A Conversation With Philosophy Giant John Searle

John R. Searle is the Slusser Professor of Philosophy at UC Berkeley and the author of over a dozen books on the philosophy of mind, language and society. He’s been the recipient of the Jean Nicod Prize, the National Humanities Medal, and now, the extremely prestigious BEAST Trophy of Awesomeness.

BEAST: Hi, Professor Searle?

John Searle: Yeah.

BEAST: This is Ian Murphy.

JS: Yeah. OK. I’m going to put you on the speaker phone if that’s OK.

BEAST: Sure.

JS: I have a broken wrist, so it’s easier to do it this way.

BEAST: Oh, I’m sorry. How did you do that?

JS: Oh, I had a fall. It’s the dumbest thing. You know, it’s not even an interesting injury. It’s just boring. The bone was broken in four places, so that was—

BEAST: Sorry to hear that.

JS: It required considerable surgery, but I seem to be mending. Anyway, let’s talk.

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GIVE ME IDIOCY OR GIVE ME DEATH!

Apr

06

by

Tea Parties bring out the worst in the worst Americans

BY IAN MURPHY

This was the rabble. And they were being roused.

“I was asleep six months ago,” an angry Laurie Kostrzewski shouts into the mic. “I’m awake now!”

The crowd of roughly two hundred erupts in cheers. Kostrzewski was an organizer of Buffalo’s April 15th Tea Party. For some damn reason, they’ve decided to have another rally this weekend at the wistfully named Club W on Delaware Ave. What happened six months ago? What woke her up? What terrible thunderclap roused this cretin from her political slumber?

“I gotta get a gun now,” one denim and flag wrapped patriot tells me. “I got a friend in California sending me a rifle in three pieces—butt first.” What’s she so scared of? What unthinkable, earth-crumbling, paradigm shift has reaffirmed her 2nd amendment blood lust? Who is she going to shoot? Does she realize she’s dressed like that?

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ONE LUMP OR TWO?

Apr

05

by

Fake Fascism, Phony Populism & False Outrage

BY ALLAN UTHMAN

I’m actually starting to feel sorry for conservatives. They’ve never made much sense, but the trouncing they took in November appears to have driven them completely insane.

I can’t think of a better word to describe people who meet up to protest taxes when taxes have not been raised, or who actually accuse the president who ended torture of being a fascist.

It seems fairly obvious, but if taxes and deficits were the issue, these same people would have been out in the streets for years now. The real issues, the true motives behind these paltry protests, are fairly simple: They lost, and there’s a black guy with a foreign-sounding name in the White House. Does anyone think a bunch of old white people would be out in the street shouting crazy shit about fascism if Hillary Clinton was president? Not a chance. They’d be mad, but not insane.

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Hampton Comes Alive!

Mar

15

by

THE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE

Like all y’all, I wanted to know why the hell my February 2009 issue of The Beast had not arrived. I dig that the January issue came out late. I accepted the fact that it takes time to put together such a righteously fine list of loathsome motherfuckers. The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2008 was worth waiting for, you know what I mean? Nevertheless, I didn’t expect to be waiting more than four weeks for the next issue to come out. Now they tell me that there ain’t gonna be no February issue and they’re gonna skip right on to March. So, because they’re a bunch of pussies, they asked me to apologize on their behalf and to kind of break down the why of it for y’all.

While I don’t actually have to pay for a subscription up here in heaven, I’ve been told that you motherfuckers that do pay for your subscriptions will still get the ones that are coming to you, that is the number you paid for. As for what’s up with this missing an issue shit it breaks down like this:

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DESPERATE BUT NOT SERIOUS

Mar

15

by

There’s still no relief from Republican math

BY ALLAN UTHMAN

“Tonight, we tell America: We know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad.”

- Michael Steele

Remember “Bush Derangement Syndrome?” That was the flippant label Republicans applied to the outrage liberals have been displaying toward the Bush administration for the past six years. Well, at least we waited for him to start screwing up before we got mad. Obama Derangement Syndrome, on the other hand, has swept the heartland with amazing speed, starting well before he took the oath of office.

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THE IDIOT MACHINE

Mar

15

by
ANOTHER ABORTIVE ATTEMPT AT ACCOUNTABILITY

BY IAN MURPHY

It came to me in a crystalline vision. Like Tesla, but dimmer. I could see the device functioning flawlessly in my mind’s eye, silhouetted by autumn dusk. Its design was simple, elegant, radio-controlled. The distant controller triggered the motor, turning the winch, winding the string, squeezing the pneumatic garden sprayer handle—and POOP! My invention wouldn’t revolutionize the world as did Tesla’s alternating current, but it would shoot shit at Karl Rove.

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ASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN!

Mar

15

by

Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

Dear Muzzamil,

I’ve been married for nearly a decade, and frankly, things have become a little lackluster in the bedroom. I’ve put on sexy lingerie, lit candles and played Al Green albums but nothing seems to work. My husband isn’t getting the hints; he’s only interest in watching TV! What can I do, Muzzamil?

-Losing my head in Buffalo

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