"Totally coup, yo."

Pat Robertson is so right




Christians should not celebrate “Satan’s night”

This post originally appeared at Crooks & Liars.

Whether he’s issuing Fatwahs on South American leaders, blaming natural disasters on reproductive rights, or claiming he can leg press 2,000 pounds with the aid of his eponymous “age-defying” protein shake, Pat Robertson never makes sense.

Well, with a big h/t to Right Wing Watch, I’ve learned to never say never:

Answering a 700 Club caller’s question, Robertson says, “Halloween is Satan’s night, it’s the night for the devil. It’s All Hallow’s Eve but it’s time when witches and goblins–”

Preach, Brother! Preach! Halloween has its roots in pagan traditions predating Christianity. Just like Easter. It’s, therefore, under the sway of dark and nougaty forces. Just like Easter.

Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network has warned us about the evils of Halloween before. In a now-expunged article from ’09, writer Kimberly Daniels reported that “most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”

Of course! How else do you explain those talking M&Ms? I pretended to email Mars, Incorporated about this, and I pretended they answered by sending me a shrunken head in the mail. And all this time, you thought Mars, Inc. was only evil because they use child labor in Africa.

Wait a minute…Côte d’Ivoire produces roughly 43 percent of the world’s cocoa; 95 percent of people in that Sub-Saharan Republic personally believe in witchcraft; Robertson staunchly defended their illegitimate, Christian President/Thug Laurent Gbagbo…this is all making a lot of sense, in a very convoluted Da Vinci Code sort of way.


According to Daniels, “Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.” That’s why I make my own chocolate with my own African kids.

In CBN’s most recent spiritual assault on Satan’s Night Halloween, Robertson adds, “It’s skeletons and all this, like the dead rising. Churches shouldn’t do that, you should do something else besides having a haunted house.”

He’s so right; the only haunted houses churches should be involved with are hell houses – the often graphic and horrifying vignettes depicting the sins of abortion, alcohol and drug use, suicide, and teh gay. You know, for the kids.

And churches should definitely have nothing to do with walking skeletons. There’s simply nothing less Christian than the risen dead.

If you follow Murphy on Twitter, he might start using it.

  • Anthony

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/JoeDixon?feature=mhee Joe Dixon

    Wait, did he say, “We, don’t believe in ghosts?” What the hell is the Holy Ghost, then!? I’m fairly certain the big H/G hasn’t been erased from the books since I left the faith. Pat can’t keep up with what his own religion tells him is real. But then, why should he be any different than the rest of the godly?

  • Mike

    He should be thanking Satan every night that he lives in a country that allows such an obvious charlatan to own diamond mines and never, ever pay taxes.

  • freedomlover

    It’s people like Pat Robertson that are accelerating the decline of Christianity, if not belief in a supreme being.

  • http://anteprepro.xanga.com/weblog/ Anteprepro

    So, we’ve got incorporeal remnants of human consciousness, humans rising from the dead, loners with magical powers, human sacrifice, child molestation, “trapping souls”, and worshiping that which controls nature. So…how is this different from Biblical Christianity?

  • proofreader

    It’s “therefore” and “naughty”. If you want to gain a following, learn to spell or at least spellcheck your copy.

  • admin

    Thanks, proofreader. I forgot that e. But “nougaty” is not “naughty”. It’s another word entirely.

  • Legion

    I thought Satan’s Night was the night before Halloween, now I’m confused.

    So, what now I have to sacrifice virgins on both nights?

    “My name is Legion: for we are many.” The Gospel of Luke, Luke 8:30

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