50.
Ann Coulter
Crimes:
Coulter plummets down the list as she slips into irrelevance.
As her columns degenerate further into absurd, incoherent
attacks against her own personal paranoid fantasy of fanged,
drooling, Saddam-loving liberals who hate America and
childish France-bashing, we find our outrage slowly giving
way to a baffled “I can’t believe I used to go out with
you” feeling. Her arguments are ridiculous, her vitriol
forced, her hatchet face even harder to look at. Still,
she insulted a one-armed war veteran, called reports of
the hundreds of tons of missing munitions in Iraq false,
claimed Wesley Clark was pro-infanticide, and blamed Abu
Ghraib on the presence of women in the armed forces—they’re
not all like you, Ann—and on and on. It’s just not worth
debunking someone who has no credibility in the first
place.
Smoking
Gun: Has credibility in the minds of more people than
we can stomach acknowledging.
Punishment:
Skull crushed with rock.
49.
Clay Aiken
Crimes:
Rode to stardom on a racist backlash after his failure
to win “American Idol.” Brings false hope to pre-teens
that they will meet a nice clean boy who won’t take advantage
of them. Befouls airwaves with his vile dreck, which makes
us long for the days of Shaun Cassidy.
Smoking
Gun: Was one of two people on this list to do a duet
with the rolling corpse of Bing Crosby for a Christmas
special. Put himself in the role of David Bowie.
Punishment:
Hydrochloric acid martini.
48.
Scott McClellan
Crimes:
Completely hollow. Able to regurgitate any message programmed
into him without regard to its validity or internal logic.
A human void, capable of sapping the virtue away from
the most idealistic reporter within three jokey, familiar,
stonewalling press conferences.
Smoking
Gun: Hasn’t killed himself.
Punishment:
Locked in a room for eternity with a camera that sprays
spitting cobra venom in his eyes every time he speaks.
47.
50 Cent
Crimes:
Sole credential for being a rapper, aside from his affiliation
with Dr. Dre, is having been shot several times. Spent
his first record company advance on crack to sell. Can
barely talk, let alone rap. Represents the worst aspect
of urban culture, its tendency to collapse in on itself
in an orgy of mobsterism and self-destructive spending.
Obnoxious tendency to pull out large wads of cash and
wave them around in people’s faces (not a figure of speech).
Smoking
Gun: Ugliest rapper to make it since Biggie.
Punishment:
Getting his ass kicked by Will Smith.
46.
Colin Quinn
Crimes:
Least funny SNL alum since Joe Piscopo (at least
Tim Meadows can speak English). Blamed cancellation of
his awful show on reverse racism, ignoring his pathetic
ratings, stumbling speech and the fact that his entire
C-list entourage couldn’t beat Pamela Anderson at Trivial
Pursuit.
Smoking
Gun: Pontificated at length on the nature of comedy
in Seinfeld’s yawn-fest Comedian.
Punishment:
Stash of white supremacist literature and nun-porn discovered
in high profile cocaine bust.
45.
John McCain:
Crimes:
Survived years of torture in Vietnam only to become a
bend over buddy for a sheltered rich dunce. McCain could
have bolstered his largely unearned air of credibility
this year had he stood against Bush, but instead chose
to show us all that that no principle is too fundamental
to humanity to be overlooked in the name of party loyalty.
We can only hope that they’ve got something on him, something
big.
Smoking
Gun: Returned to criticizing Bush as soon as it didn’t
matter anymore.
Punishment:
Vice President under Rumsfeld.
44.
Ellen Degeneres
Crimes:
Turns out to be the most boring comedian, gay or straight,
since…ever. Her Seinfeld on Quaaludes routine isn’t just
tedious; it’s harrowing—watching her belabor a gag that
wasn’t funny in the first place about opening a jar of
pickles for minutes is enough to make anybody groan. Her
cookie cutter talk show succeeds for the simple reason
that, beyond the gay thing, viewers know that Ellen will
always be nice and won’t let any negative information
invade their fragile minds. If Degeneres were a straight
man, she’d be getting booed off the stage at a tiny club
in Scranton right about now.
Smoking
Gun: Tolerated Anne Heche.
Punishment:
Ten years as writer for “Mad TV."
43.
Tony Blankley
Crimes:
Editorial page editor for the Washington Times,
the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s religiofascist newsletter
and the Bush Administration’s favorite morning read. Thinks
the UN Oil for Food scandal warrants more attention than
a White House full of war criminals. Had the gall to attack
George Soros because “[h]e said that he has no moral responsibility
for the consequences of his financial actions,” when that
is clearly a moral loophole embraced by all free market
zealots such as Blankley, and went on to attack him for
being “a self-admitted atheist” and “a Jew who figured
out a way to survive the Holocaust.” Refers to Donald
Rumsfeld as “brilliant.” His paper has lost a billion
dollars and sells one paper for every seven Washington
Posts, but is in no jeopardy because of lavish funding
as the psy-ops arm of Moon’s Unification Church.
Smoking
Gun: Ended his final column of the year like this:
“Americans are standing upright, their strong arms uplifted
against the barbarians.” A shameless, taint-licking propagandist.
Punishment:
Very slowly lowered into meat grinder.
42.
Jenna Jameson
Crimes:
The first best-selling author who could be sodomized with
a well-thrown baseball since Truman Capote. Her newfound
mainstream legitimacy as an icon of America’s freakish
love for porn is directly related to her former incarnation
as the best blowjob of the ‘90s.
Smoking
Gun: Now only does scenes with boring phony-lesbos…and
her husband. Real hot.
Punishment:
The inevitable attention-vacuum which will envelop her
the second any part of her body begins to sag perceptibly.
41.
Everyone who got together to watch the final episode of
“Friends”
Crimes:
Allowing a trivial sitcom about living in New York, made
for people who’ve never been anywhere near New York, to
become a focal point in their shallow, meaningless lives.
Watching TV together is not a bonding experience; it is
a distancing experience, a way in which people can cohabit
a room without actually having to engage each other or
connect personally. Whoever’s ultimately responsible for
the “watch ‘Friends’ or the terrorists win” meme should
have a special room reserved for him in the bad section
of hell.
Smoking
Gun: You probably liked the whole Niles and Daphne
thing on “Frazier,” too.
Punishment:
A full year of plodding BBC Documentaries.
40.
Laura Bush
Crimes:
Oh the first lady, what an inspiration she must be to
android researchers everywhere. Smile, nod, smile, (look
interested) nod, put on $50,000 dress, suck off the president
and there you have a typical day for the first lady. Corporate
yes-wives like her will hasten the coming of mandated
burkas for American women. Actually looks related to George,
which might explain their mongoloid children.
Smoking
Gun: She married George Bush.
Punishment:
Chugging a gallon of stem cells on Fear Factor.
39.
Tom Cruise
Crimes:
Inexplicable stardom. In a just world, Brendan Fraser
would get an Oscar before this carbon copy of every other
rich asshole cokehead with a fast car. Consistently influential
in casting women in his movie for the sole purpose of
nailing them. Extremely convincing when he plays an ambitious,
superficial prick.
Smoking
Gun: Always plays an ambitious, superficial prick.
Punishment:
Caught in the act with Vin Diesel.
38.
Toby Keith
Crimes:
The worst kind of proud-to-be-brainwashed dolt, one who
feels he should express himself. The fact that this ambulatory
hamburger’s opinions were ever given public forum is an
indictment of our entire civilization and all human history
leading up to this point.
Smoking
Gun: Plays country music.
Punishment:
Impaled on improperly installed American flag attached
to tractor-trailer, dragged for 12 hours, eaten by wolves.
37.
Halle Berry
Crimes:
Chooses projects on the basis of how opportunistic they
are in exploiting her body. Followed her sweaty fuckfest
in Die Another Day with the worthless atrocity
Catwoman. Her tearful 2002 Oscar acceptance speech
for Monster’s Ball (which also included a fevered
humping scene) put her in competition with Barbara Streisand
for the title of most self-important woman in Hollywood.
Smoking
Gun: Every role she takes will be hailed as another
milestone in civil rights history by virtue of her barely
discernible smattering of African DNA, when in reality
her success only underscores our nation’s incapacity to
accept a truly black actress.
Punishment:
Reduced to skin care infomercial endorsement.
36.
Stephen Moore
Crimes:
President of voodoo economics PAC the Club for Growth
and frequent Republican whipping boy on HBO’s “Real Time
with Bill Maher,” Moore actually snivels visibly. Follows
every evil statement with a pussified “just kidding—sort
of” laugh and shriveling “please don’t hurt me” body language.
May be the least original thinker of all supply side policy
drones.
Smoking
Gun: Missing out on the heart and soul of what’s fun
about being Republican, freedom from self-consciousness
and doubt.
Punishment:
Smacked to death by Richard Belzer.
35.
Matt Sharp
Crimes:
Creator of VH1’s celebration of undeserved wealth and
morbid excess, “The Fabulous Life,” the bastard ghetto
child of “Lifestyles of the Rich And Famous,” complete
with Robin Leach-impersonating voiceovers. His morally
bankrupt show serves as a who’s-who of prime targets for
public execution, entertaining bloated, brand-conscious
meatbags with the details of how sinfully rich celebrities
squander their undeserved fortunes. Sharp knows his audience;
you can tell by the hilarious elementary mathematical
breakdowns he offers his viewers at the end of the show
when he reveals how much money his subject is actually
worth (“Britney could buy 50,000 rare Gorilla-foot handbags
and still have enough left over to occupy Syria!”). The
celebratory, awed tone with which his show informs us
that Lil’ Kim has crushed $100 bills put into her nail
polish, or that you could feed your family for a year
on what J-Lo spends to get her eyebrows done, makes us
wish we could burn such criminals with our minds.
Smoking
Gun: Your girlfriend loves this show.
Punishment:
Pureed and made into face cream for Lindsay Lohan.
34.
Clarence Thomas
Crimes:
On the wrong side of every Supreme Court decision since
he got the job carrying Scalia’s golf clubs.
Smoking
Gun: Angry black man routine during Anita Hill hearings
was the most forced overacting this side of Keanu Reeves’
tantrum in Johnny Mnemonic.
Punishment:
Led out of the Court in chains after inadvertently casting
the deciding vote to reinstitute slavery.
32.
Lynndie England
Crimes:
The ultimate “ugly American,” England represents everything
people hate about us—ignorance, perversion, racism, and
denial. The most authentic trailer trash to enter the
public spotlight since Anna Nicole, complete with illegitimate
baby by an abusive ex-boyfriend and experience in the
meat processing industry. Described by her no doubt horrific
mother as having been “in the wrong place at the wrong
time.”
Smoking
Gun: The pictures, duh.
Punishment:
Gang-raped and devoured alive by all of the hysterical
Republican pundits who defended her.
31.
Al From
Crimes:
Founder and CEO of the detestable Democratic Leadership
Council, the lead organization for the “if you can’t beat
‘em, join ‘em” wing of the Democratic Party. From’s appeasement
strategies have lead directly to tragic losses in the
last three elections. Responsible for the inability of
serious people to fully respect the Democratic Party.
Smoking
Gun: Said Dean couldn’t win; backed Joe Lieberman.
Punishment:
President Nader.
30.
Jim Lehrer
Crimes:
The nauseating host of the “liberal” PBS program “The
News Hour” never hesitates to show his fealty to our business
and government overlords. When independent journalist
Christian Parenti appeared on “News Hour” upon his return
from Iraq, he had the temerity to link the instability
in Iraq to America’s failure to implement even half-hearted
reconstruction. “There still isn't adequate electricity…there
wasn't adequate water. Where is all the money that’s going
to Halliburton and Bechtel to rebuild this country, where
is it ending up? And I think that is one of the most important,
fundamental causes of instability, the corruption around
the contracting with these Bush-connected firms in Iraq…”
Two days later, the spineless Leher apologized to his
viewers for Parenti’s informed, reasonable opinion, telling
us the “…discussion about Iraq ended up not being as balanced
as is our standard practice. While unintentional, it was
indeed our mistake and we regret it.” Balanced. There’s
that word again. Leher has never apologized for any of
the lunatic horseshit coming out of administration apologists
on a daily basis.
Smoking
Gun: His services as the sycophantic moderator of
presidential debates in 2000 and 2004 wherein he may as
well have been blowing kisses at the candidates, serve
to legitimize the weak, non-combative debate format the
two parties cooked up.
Punishment:
Embedded with the 3rd Marine Battalion in Fallujah, where
liberal-hating grunts will use him as sniper bait.
29.
Michael Savage
Crimes:
Will say anything to get attention, and then say the opposite
for the same reason. Thinks revealing his inner xenophobe
makes him some kind of rock star. Learned everything he
knows about world politics from Archie Bunker. Said this:
“When you hear ‘human rights,’ think gays. When you hear
‘human rights,’ think only one thing: someone who wants
to rape your son. And you'll get it just right. OK, you
got it, right? When you hear ‘human rights,’ think only
someone who wants to molest your son, and send you to
jail if you defend him.”
Smoking
Gun: Real name is Michael Weiner.
Punishment:
Ass-raped to death.
28.
Ben Affleck
Crimes:
His uncanny ability to produce an unending stream of shitty
movies and still get work rivals that of even Kevin Costner.
Has coasted for years on a reputation built largely on
a former association with Matt Damon, but has done nothing
to justify his star status aside from boning Jennifer
Lopez. Gigli was the cinematic equivalent of the
Madrid bombings.
Smoking
Gun: CGI scenes in Daredevil were more lifelike
than his oafish live action.
Punishment:
Reunited with J-Lo.
27.
Bob Novak
Crimes:
Beats even Scott McClellan as Bush’s most unholy mouthpiece.
Virulently protecting the Bush administration in order
to further his own career. Novak didn’t think twice when
instructed to reveal the identity of CIA agent Valerie
Plame in order to get back at her critical husband, Joe
Wilson, yet he now claims it would be morally wrong to
reveal the treasonous White House leaker. Indirectly caused
the incarceration of Judith Miller of the New York Times,
who should be in jail on totally separate charges involving
her poorly researched WMD hysterics leading up to the
war in Iraq.
Smoking
Gun: Still insists the Swift Boat Veterans ads and
their libelicious spin-off book, Unfit for Command,
was “well-documented” and didn’t contain any lies.
Punishment:
Heart harvested in preparation for Dick Cheney’s presidential
bid.
26.
Terry McAuliffe
Crimes:
Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Said, "This
is the best election night in history" on November
2, 2004, just before 8pm EST. Not only presided over the
pathetic Kerry defeat, but held the same position in the
2000 fiasco. A driving force in the Republicanization
of Democrats, he personally saw to it that the charismatic
Dean campaign was crushed to make way for Kerrybot. Doesn’t
understand that winning is not necessarily about copying
what winners do, but more often not doing what losers
do.
Punishment:
Hillary Clinton as a cellmate for life.
Smoking
Gun: Said the party will spend "whatever it takes"
to study complaints from Ohio voters that included uncounted
votes, long lines, shortages of ballots, understaffed
polling stations and voting machine errors. Still studying,
apparently.
25.
Dr. Phil
Crimes:
Not a doctor. Not wise. Offers troubled souls nothing
but the sweet feeling of surrendering control. Only reason
for prominence is that Oprah just couldn’t support her
show by herself anymore. Offers troubled simpletons meaningless
slogans that resonate for a maximum of five days before
they realize they already knew that shit and they still
can’t stop whatever compulsive behavior got them onto
his show in the first place. Is almost certainly regularly
involved in some unspeakable depravity that he can’t stop
and which caused him to fabricate his public persona in
a frantic attempt to convince us he’s normal.
Smoking
Gun: Both presidential candidates were forced to submit
to his pedantic bullshit in some bizarre new soft focus
emasculation ritual to get slack-jawed housewives to vote
for them.
Punishment:
A lifetime of guest spots on Springer.
24.
Ronald Reagan
Crimes:
The greatest monster in recent American history. Reagan’s
excruciating sanctification during his agonizingly protracted
funeral was enough to make anyone with knowledge of his
true legacy blow up a radio tower. Newspaper columnists
performed astonishing feats of selective memory in canonizing
Reagan, disregarding any inconvenient evidence of supporting
terrorism, ripping off taxpayers for outrageous defense
programs, or introducing crack cocaine to America, because
we need our heroes.
Smoking
Gun: Responsible for telemarketing and infomercials.
Punishment:
Reanimated and killed again.
23.
Jerry Bruckheimer
Crimes:
“Producer” really just means “guy with the money” in Hollywood.
Master of the incoherent action sequence, full of unnecessary
cuts and jittery close-ups. His rapidly multiplying CBS
cop show empire is replete with ridiculously beautiful
cops and scientists (and murderers and victims and witnesses)
and impossibly stylish interiors. The “CSI” franchise
perfectly fulfills the viewing needs of a fat, lazy nation:
no running, no car chases, just sitting around, talking,
and playing with gadgets. The real crimes, however, are
the movies, including Kangaroo Jack, Coyote Ugly, Bad
Boys, Bad Boys 2, Days of Thunder, Gone in 60 Seconds,
and the so-stupid-it’s-funny Armageddon. Imagine
what else could have been done with that money.
Smoking
Gun: Who brings a fucking Gatling gun to an asteroid?
Punishment:
Made into shoes for Martin Scorsese.
22.
Michael Jackson
Crimes:
Surgically transforming himself into a ghastly artificial
creature, and then forcing himself on little boys. His
ability to remain at large and to find parents still willing
to let their kids sleep over at Jackson’s elaborate child
trap both indicate a failure of our species as a whole.
Smoking
Gun: “Jesus juice?”
Punishment:
Forced to record and release new single as part of plea
agreement, “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down on Me.”
21.
Alan Colmes
Crimes:
An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive
artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks
are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes
about Democrats and a target for the seething derision
of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious
green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against
centrist Democrats.
Smoking
Gun: His cringe-inducing new book reads like a crappy
internet parody ("I'm proud to be a liberal. In my
spare time I hug trees. I'd rather hug a tree than embrace
a tax cut… Ever try to hug a tax rebate check? Bark burn
is so much more pleasant than paper cuts.")
Punishment:
Suffocated under a naked, sweaty Rush Limbaugh.
20.
Anna Nicole Smith
Crimes:
Continues to find ways to damage the fabric of society
with her very presence. In 2004 she rapidly transformed
from a washed up, sedated blimp to a washed up, sedated
hooker, thanks to some pill-marketing scam brought to
us by a paralyzed FDA and a hard drug addiction. Has grown
more incoherent with every lost pound, to the point that
she is like some tawdry copy of a pre-death Marylyn Monroe
without any Arthur Miller to suppress her. Lost her money,
but still worships at the altar of attention—any kind
of attention, at any cost.
Smoking
Gun: Volleyball-sized breast implants just aren’t
attractive.
Punishment:
Electrocuted at climax by Bill Clinton’s pacemaker.
19.
Zell Miller
Crimes:
Part Yosemite Sam and Part Foghorn Leghorn. Miller doesn’t
make the list for his salivating, traitorous keynote speech
at the Republican National Convention, or even the duel
thing with Chris Matthews. He makes the list because he
really does represent Southern Democrats. Miller was chief
of staff for diehard racist Georgia Governor Lester Maddox,
who used to own a restaurant where he’d hand out pick
handles to his customers to beat any black people that
might try to come in. The Democratic party really isn’t
the party he once knew—thank God.
Smoking
Gun: Won’t switch parties, just to be a pain in the
ass.
Punishment:
Death by torrential barrage of spitballs while watching
his granddaughter make out with Big Pun.
18.
Mel Gibson
Crimes:
As with any religious nut, expects people to take his
delusional bullshit seriously. Is obsessed with pain and
suffering, as can be observed in the numerous Hulk Hogan
style “now I’m really mad” scenes in nearly all of his
movies, in which he endures medically impossible levels
of bodily punishment before rising to vanquish his cartoonish
foes. This is such a routine motif in Gibson’s work that
we half expected Jesus to jump off the cross and start
kicking Jewish ass in The Passion of the Christ.
More historically revisionist than Oliver Stone.
Smoking
Gun: Shot about 11 times in the climax of Lethal
Weapon II, yet still saunters off with his partner
as the credits roll, apparently not in need of medical
attention.
Punishment:
Neurodegenerative illness that could have been cured through
stem cell research.
17.
Armstrong Williams
Crimes:
Williams was going to make the list anyway, but shoots
up several positions since he admitted to accepting $240,000
from the Department of Education to promote the No Child
Left Behind Act. His sole defense so far is that he used
“bad judgment,” as if that was some kind of excuse, rather
than the heart and soul of every crime. Says he is just
the tip of the iceberg.
Smoking
Gun: Claimed to a prospective job applicant that 70%
of gay couples molest their children.
Punishment:
Full Birth Abortion.
16.
Nicole Richie
Crimes:
Wasting space in our minds. Not being pretty, talented
or interesting, yet expecting people beyond her family
to pay attention to her. Further indoctrinating teenage
girls with the poisonous idea that if they just act like
obnoxious, spoiled bitches they will somehow never have
to work.
Smoking
Gun: Made 27 on Maxim’s Hot 100 for standing
next to national disgrace Paris Hilton for a year.
Punishment:
10-page pictorial in Stuff sans airbrushing, and
no Oxycontin for a whole week.
15.
Condoleezza Rice
Crimes:
The phrase “politics is show business for ugly people”
has never had so fine a foil. Smirks condescendingly at
senior Senators when they ask her silly questions about
gross negligence in the area of national security. Winner
of the Beast award for most likely to make Grover Norquist’s
dick hard. Promoted for feverishly licking Cheney’s boot
for four years.
Smoking
Gun: Gets to sleep in the big house now.
Punishment:
thrown into the arctic from the Exxon oil tanker that
used to bear her name.
14.
Tom Delay
Crimes:
The worst Congressman alive. Being the most corrupt member
of the House is a hell of an achievement. Delay is so
brazen even lobbyists have expressed reservations. Compares
the pathetic, castrated EPA to the Gestapo. A self-obsessed
misanthrope in the guise of a Christian.
Smoking
Gun: According to Danny Yatom, former head of Israel’s
feared Mossad: "The Likud is nothing compared to
this guy."
Punishment:
Outed by Barney Frank.
13.
Joan Rivers
Crimes:
The most ghastly face science has managed to create without
the use of chemical weapons. As a pioneer in facial reconstruction,
she shows us that, in the future, every famous woman will
gradually turn into a cross between a sickly geisha and
the Joker. The red carpet fashion-cop shtick she does
with her broken, spiritless daughter is such an obvious
inferiority complex manifestation we almost feel sorry
for them, until we remember they’re making millions of
dollars for it.
Smoking
Gun: The sheer, ugly self-hatred of a woman with that
face, that voice, and that personality nitpicking Nicole
Kidman.
Punishment:
Face falls off into wet cement at Mann’s Chinese Theatre.
12.
Paul Wolfowitz
Crimes:
The mastermind behind our war plan in Iraq, also known
as “Operation Fucking Disaster.” Wanted to skip Afghanistan
altogether and get right on with the intractable quagmire
phase of his anti-terror plan. So far up Israel’s ass
he can taste the kugel.
Smoking
Gun: That disgusting thing he did with his comb in
Fahrenheit 9/11.
Punishment:
A successful populist democracy in Iraq.
11.
Dan Rather
Crimes:
Along with Cronkite’s so-bonkers-it-might-be-true comment
that Karl Rove must be behind Osama bin Laden’s timely
October video release, has given the rabid right enough
fuel to maintain their bogus “liberal media” charge for
years.
Smoking
Gun: Made Peter Jennings the most credible anchor
in the business.
Punishment:
Life sentence as the
liberal whipping boy on “Hardball with Chris Matthews.”
10.
John Negroponte
Crimes:
US Pro Consul (a title that was given to de facto rulers
of dependencies or occupied countries in colonial times)
of Iraq. Garnered his reputation as professional thug
with his assignment as ambassador to Honduras by Ronald
Reagan in 1981. Collaborated with the Honduran military
while lying to Congress as they kidnapped, tortured and
killed hundreds of people, including US missionaries.
Was responsible for implementing the Reagan administration
covert strategy to crush the Sandinista government in
Nicaragua, resulting in it becoming 2nd to Haiti as poorest
country in the western hemisphere but with the special
distinction of having the largest disparity between rich
and poor. Appears to be carrying out the same plan in
Iraq, as recent disclosures about the Pentagon's plans
to utilize death squads to achieve our kind of democracy
indicate.
Smoking
Gun: As Iraqi occupation grew bleaker from the start
of 2004 a new tactic was employed, assassinating intellectuals
opposed to the occupation. A senior commander working
for the American-installed Iraqi police said "They
are politicians that are backed by the Americans and who
arrived to Iraq from exile with a list of their enemies.
I've seen these lists. They are killing people one by
one." Sounds like a job for Negroponte; he went from
appointment to confirmation in a blistering eight days.
Punishment:
Being skinned alive would be a nice start.
9.
Jessica Simpson
Crimes:
The gleaming flagship of the triumphant return of bimboism.
The aesthetic equivalent of vitamin D milk. Makes Britney
Spears look like a Rhodes scholar. Managed to crap out
a hit single by removing every remotely innovative element
from Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away.”
Smoking
Gun: Probably likes her own music.
Punishment:
Strapped to bunker-buster.
8.
John Ashcroft
Crimes:
Promoting sexual shame, writing and singing alarmingly
jingoistic and terrible songs, flattening constitutional
protections, detaining brown people at will without charges
or counsel, pretending to be a patriot, and intentionally
ignoring terrorism in his pre-9/11 tenure.
Smoking
Gun: Put a fucking curtain up to cover a naked breast
on a statue. A statue.
Punishment:
Only heterosexual judge on the supreme court in 2035.
7.
Donald Trump
Crimes:
Hopelessly addicted to narcissism. Shares Saddam Hussein’s
compulsion to have gaudy structures named after himself.
Is to dignified wealth what Michael Jackson is to competent
childcare.
Smoking
Gun: The hair alone justifies violence.
Punishment:
Forced to expose his tiny penis before crowds of laughing
celebrities on “Who Wants to See Donald Trump’s Penis?”
6.
George W. Bush
Crimes:
Too numerous to mention. The worst piece of shit ever
to run this country, including King George III; when’s
the last time a president made half his country want to
move to Canada? Lays claim to the legacy of Jesus Christ
as he hungrily sucks what little life-essence is left
from the world. Appears to be only dimly aware that he
is destroying the future, but seems to think it’s kind
of funny.
Smoking
Gun: Too numerous to mention.
Punishment:
To have his fortune stolen from him by Cheney, Rumsfeld,
Perle and Wolfowitz, and be denied Medicaid.
5.
John Kerry
Crimes:
Managed to lose to the most hated president in American
history by virtue of his total inability to convincingly
portray himself as a human being. Didn’t even have the
balls to show up during the Ohio election challenge in
the Senate. So thoroughly vetted that he appears inhuman,
incapable of speaking without repeating the same hackneyed
phrases incessantly and gesticulating like a poorly operated
marionette. Cursing his daughters with his frightening
profile.
Smoking
Gun: Actually did vote for the $87 billion before
he voted against it.
Punishment:
Quality time with wife and kids.
4.
Dick Cheney
Crimes:
So loathsome his own party is frightened of him. Manages
to deliver stunning lies with an air of sneering authority.
Shamelessly employs scare tactics in order to strip the
federal government of any resemblance to the one described
in the constitution. So visibly evil that all of the documented
evidence against him is superfluous. The kind of guy who
starts talking cannibalism the minute he steps on the
lifeboat.
Smoking
Gun: Managed to make his own shame at producing gay
offspring into a negative for Kerry.
Punishment:
Hacked to death by Mexican migrant workers.
3.
You
Crimes:
You gaze idly at the carnage around you, sigh, and go
calmly back to your coffee and your People magazine. You
can’t stop buying useless crap, though you’re drowning
in a deepening pool of debt. You think you’re an activist
because you bitch all day on the internet, but you reelect
the same gangsters at a 99% rate. You consider yourself
informed because you waste a significant portion of your
life watching the same three news stories cycle over and
over again on your gargantuan, aerodynamic television
set while you eat processed food. You really thought everything
would be okay if Kerry won. Not only do you believe in
an invisible man who magically farted out the universe,
you also excoriate and marginalize those who disagree.
You have a poorer understanding of your country’s foreign
policy history than a third world peasant, but you can’t
wait to see what Julia Roberts will be wearing at the
Oscars. You cheer as Ukrainians challenge an election
based on exit poll data, but keep waiting around for someone
else to fix your problems. You can’t think, you can’t
organize and you won’t act. This is all your fault.
Smoking
Gun: You’re fat.
Punishment:
You’re soaking in it.
2.
Donald Rumsfeld
Crimes:
At least Herman Goering knew how to conquer people. Rummy
is the richest person in the white house, a former auto
and pharmaceutical CEO and the one who nurtured Dick Cheney’s
career. So rife with corruption and fascist desire he
makes dirt look clean. Carries himself in press conferences
like a cranky grandfather who is sick of hearing his daughters
whine about how he molested them every now and then.
Smoking
Gun: Abu Ghraib.
Punishment:
Abu Ghraib.
1.
Kenneth Blackwell
Crimes:
The greasy, rancid piece of crap who delivered Ohio for
Bush by any means necessary, and then bragged about it
in a recent fundraising letter. A black man who has no
reservations about screwing over his own people in his
lust for power and money. Blackwell is the kind of soulless
traitor without whose complicity no nefarious evil plot
ever goes down. In step with the future of global elections.
Smoking
Gun: Phony recounts, media lockouts, intentional misallocation
of voting machines, you name it.
Just
Punishment: Dissolved in barrel of acid.
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Check out the 50 Most Loathsome of 2002
DICK
