"Totally coup, yo."

Police Tase Man For Resisting Taser

Sep

05

by

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY (AB)–Dutchess County police commissioner Alfred Talbot is defending the Tasering of Jackson P. Whitesides, a 70 year-old Navy vet, by officers responding to a call about an accidental Tasering. “Whitesides was clearly distraught about accidentally Tasering himself,” says Talbot. “He was resisting the electric current coursing through his body, and our officers acted in an absolutely appropriate fashion. He had to be Tasered.”

Whitesides: "AHHHH!"
Whitesides: “AHHHH!”

According to the police report, after returning home from a charity event with his wife Pamela, the elderly Whitesides mistook his Taser for the television remote control and accidentally discharged the electrode into his neck. “[Whitesides] was twitching, moaning and crying on the floor in the fetal position, and represented a serious threat to the arresting officers,” reads the report. “Per department protocol, [Whitesides] was Tasered.”

“Rather than calming my husband, the second Tasering by police,” claims Pamela Whitesides, “made Jack[son] twitch, cry and froth at the mouth even more.”

“After [Whitesides] was Tasered by the arresting officers,” the police report confirms, “he became even more belligerent in resisting the painful electricity. His involuntary muscle spasms became more severe, and after a stern warning by the arresting officer to stop resisting the electric current, [Whitesides] was again Tasered.”

“They did the right thing,” says Talbot. “When you have a criminal on the ground, who’s resisting the pain we’re inflicted on him, the only thing that will nullify the very real threat to our officers is to inflict more pain on the criminal.”

The second Tasering by police failed to nullify the threat posed by Whitesides and officers were forced to Taser him yet again. “[Whitesides] just kept twitching and whining like a little bitch,” the police report reads, “and the arresting officers were left with no recourse but to again Tase[r] his whiny-bitch-ass.”

“AHHHHHHHH!” says Whitesides. “Make it stop! Good God in heaven, make it stop!”

“My officers will not stop Tasering Whitesides until he stops resisting the electricity with involuntary muscle spasms,” says Talbot. “This is our policy.”

As of this writing, Whitesides is still being Tasered.

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BREAKING-BEAST

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