"Totally coup, yo."

Rick Perry and Bryan Fischer will pray five times facing Mecca on August 6, Insha'Allah

Jun

14

by

You’ve probably heard that Texas Governor/Imam Rick Perry has called for a day of prayer n’ fasting in order to call on his favorite deity, Jehovah 1, to reverse the disastrous course of President pro Tempore Barackhmed Husaini al-Nobamacare IV, Esq. He has also invited all foreign, non-Texan Governors to hang out with him for the day and talk about how awesome the sea Goddess Sedna is and maybe have a barbecue because the odors are pleasing to the Lord. But unfortunately only Kansas Governor Sam Brownback has RSVP’d so far.

Rick Perry, seen here, giving that God person a talking to.

This will not stop Rick Perry (Peace Be Upon Him) though! He will persevere – even if he has to let the Jews in! And Sam Brownback will be at his side. At his other side will be Bryan Fischer. Fischer’s the “Director of Issue Analysis” of the American Family Association, which is recognized as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center because of their embrace of CREEPING SHARIA LAW. Here are some of the fun and exciting positions Bryan Fischer has taken recently on behalf of his organization:

  1. Gays are Nazis – DUH, the pink triangles they’re always wearing totally proves that.
  2. We need a government so big that it can outlaw extra-marital sex, wait, see where he’s going with this:
  3. But really, it’s the President who hates America and white people because he’s secretly a rapper named Common. But if hip hop music, fornication, adultery, and porn aren’t American, then I don’t know what is.
  4. Kidnapping children to get them to a family friendly, homo-free paradise like Central America is exactly what Rosa Parks would be doing today, right after she escaped from her grave like how Uma Thurman did in Kill Bill 2.
  5. God is sending bears to kill us for not following the Bible. To be fair, this is pretty reasonable from a biblical worldview because God did that once for Elisha when kids were making fun of him for being bald, which is totally, like, not cool in Jehovah 1′s eyes. But then he says we should shoot these bears on sight instead of letting them do the work of God, which involves devouring us alive. Why is Bryan Fischer so intent on thwarting his BearGod’s plans?
  6. America should bring back the old blasphemy laws from the days of the British colonies because MSNBC and the NBA are doing it already kind of but not really at all.
  7. Lady Gaga is forcing him to be gay!
  8. All Muslin immigrant must convert to Christianity, non-American Muslins can choose between being Christians or being missile targets, and have you ever noticed how those Muslin student associations are all parasitic because they’re all Muslinny? Well, the FBI really oughta send in some spies to them there MSA’s.
  9. Kids should get married, do the sexytime, have kids of their own, and get a friggin job already by age 16. This will keep them far from his front lawn.
  10. We can stop “national suicide” – whatever that is – by eliminating Social Security and Medicare! Hoorayz!
  11. Welfare must be stopped because it’s only helping black people “rut like rabbits.” They ought to be rutting like rutterers.
  12. Jesus only let those disciples hang out with him because he was really hoping they would start some right-wing think tanks or go on television to support Republican candidates, or maybe be one themselves, if they’re lucky. And it’s very important that we take this lesson from Jesus, for some reason.
  13. Pointing out these positions in a negative way or criticizing any of them will totally offend Bryan Fischer’s delicate sensibilities and if you do so he’ll have you prosecuted for the hate crimes you’ve committed. #StreisandEffect, etc…

So all of this kind of stuff makes most of the American (?) Governors uncomfortable somehow. Going to see Mother Theresa, Tony Blair, Elizabeth Dole, and people like that speak while talking to Shiva telepathically is perfectly normal, but these guys are taking that nice, sensible kind of Day of Prayer and turning it into something WEIRD.

  • Anthony

    What a fucking ghoul.

  • Archives