New Pope perfume is all the rave
There are many benefits to being a Pope. For example, you have the moral authority to call Jews “dirty ignoramuses,” or steal Jewish children from their parents. Your complicity in terminating Jews will be written off as a mere youthful indiscretion, and you can cover up the Catholic Church’s systemic child rape without getting in trouble. How wonderful is that?
Yes, it’s pretty cool to be a Pope. But it’s not all roses. Being Pope also makes you smell like the inside of a rotting tauntaun. It’s true. Someone named Silvana Casoli got an order from Pope “Don’t call me Sgt. Schultz” Benedict to whip up cologne for the 84 year-old practitioner of white man’s voodoo, so that he could avoid smelling like,well, an 84 year-old.
According to this article in the Guardian, the pontiff formerly known as Joey Rats will bathe himself in a fragrance that combines lime tree, verbena and grass. Sadly, though, while the grass part sounds especially good, it needs to be pointed out that it’s the kind teenagers screw on top of, not the kind that makes living in LA bearable. No word yet on whether The Holiest Of Holies will then rename himself Pope Fabulous or perhaps drop the Pope title all together and simply declare himself “Ms. Thang.”
Casoli, who has stunk up other overly privileged assholes, most notably Sting and Guy Ritchie’s horrible ex-wife, said she had made a secrecy pact with the Vatican not to list all of the ingredients of this toilette water. It’s not clear what would happen to her if she did put out a list. Perhaps they would treat her like she was a Survivor Network Of Those Abused By Priests snaps fight. Or maybe this would happen. You see, the Church really respects confidentiality, unless of course your organization helps those abused by pedo priests. Then you can fuck off.
Casoli also said in regards to Magic Benny’s perfume that it was “based on his love of nature.” Which is odd, since, if he really loved nature, you’d think he’d be a fan of abortion.
In any case, in this same Guardian piece, Ms. Casoli said she “would not ever repeat the same perfume for another customer.” No doubt because a Pontiff cologne is scared in the eyes of both God and Coco Chanel. Chanel, of course, would likely have gotten along famously with Ratzinger in his earlier Springtime For Hitler days. Also, by keeping it all to himself, this grand wizard of the Eucharist is sure to keep his cologne from becoming ubiquitous and inexpensive. Something the Vatican absolutely hates.
Oh, long live Popery! Who would want to live in a world where old white men with a child fucking fetish didn’t have the wealth to have cologne specifically and exclusively designed for them? I know I wouldn’t want to live in that world. And thanks to God’s merciful love, I don’t. Praise Jesus.