10 Things That Will Definitely Happen When Sarah Palin Becomes President
10.) During her inauguration, Sarah Palin will peel away her skin revealing a metal skeleton and wires. After she has proven herself physically invincible, the entire continent will bend to her will. For seven hundred years she will rule from an impregnable fortress deep within the crust of the earth, during which time her android denizens will hunt us all to near extinction.
9.) To appease her pro-choice constituents, Sarah Palin will declare Progeria babies the number one threat to national security. A secretive new department headed by Arizona Governor Jan Brewer will conduct ghastly raids in which Progeria babies are rounded up and forced to make bricks in secretive, heavily guarded quarries.
8.) Sarah Palin will shock the nation by brutally attacking a small boy during the 2014 White House Easter-Egg Roll. During her impeachment hearing, she will explain to congress that she became infuriated upon seeing “Wires running out of the child’s ears and attached to a music-emanating device.”
7.) In an effort to convince the American Public that she has emotions, Sarah Palin will get gorilla tear-duct implants.
6.) When the surgery fails to yield tears, Palin will devise an ingenious device to aid her in weeping: a watch sized cube of wood, worn on the thigh and containing a fiddler crab. By simply agitating the box, the crustacean will pinch Sarah mercilessly, encouraging her own natural tear production. This prop will be used to great effect during numerous speeches, but will be eventually replaced by an artificial tooth that mists water into her mascara.
5.) Minutes after taking the oath of office, Palin will become drunk with power, declaring all men Enemy Combatants and ordering them interned. Vast jail systems will be erected on the prairies of Kansas, where men will be forced to labor at cotton looms, producing tampons and bloomers for Sarah’s army of women denizens.
4.) Under the Palin Administration, all currency will be redesigned. The new bills will feature various close up images of female genitals as testament to the awesome power of women. Outraged by the new currency, powerful UAE Sheiks will slash oil production, sending the price for a barrel of crude skyrocketing to an all-time high of two-hundred-thirty vulvas and thirteen fallopian tubes per barrel.
3.) Once in power, Sarah Palin will dismantle “Obamacare,” instead spending billions on weird surgeries aimed at allowing her to pee standing up. With all medical science focused on Palin’s spine and uterus, the American people will be forced to treat their own illnesses with roots and crystals.
2.) Fed up with the war in Iraq, Palin will appear before the U.N. and shriek while ripping her hair out. She will then paste the hair onto a box of Price Chopper brand au gratin potato mix, go on vacation, and no one will notice the difference.
1.) Palin will roam America with a rifle, killing every moose and animal that even slightly resembles a moose until all the forests are empty.
Read Nick’s musings at The Friscalating Dusklight.