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10 Things That Will Definitely Happen When Sarah Palin Becomes President

By Nick Sorrenti

10.) During her inauguration, Sarah Palin will peel away her skin revealing a metal skeleton and wires.  After she has proven herself physically invincible, the entire continent will bend to her will.  For seven hundred years she will rule from an impregnable fortress deep within the crust of the earth, during which time her android denizens will hunt us all to near extinction.

9.) To appease her pro-choice constituents, Sarah Palin will declare Progeria babies the number one threat to national security.  A secretive new department headed by Arizona Governor Jan Brewer will conduct ghastly raids in which Progeria babies are rounded up and forced to make bricks in secretive, heavily guarded quarries.

"Down with ungulates!"“Down with ungulates!”

8.) Sarah Palin will shock the nation by brutally attacking a small boy during the 2014 White House Easter-Egg Roll.  During her impeachment hearing, she will explain to congress that she became infuriated upon seeing “Wires running out of the child’s ears and attached to a music-emanating device.”

7.) In an effort to convince the American Public that she has emotions, Sarah Palin will get gorilla tear-duct implants.

6.) When the surgery fails to yield tears, Palin will devise an ingenious device to aid her in weeping: a watch sized cube of wood, worn on the thigh and containing a fiddler crab. By simply agitating the box, the crustacean will pinch Sarah mercilessly, encouraging her own natural tear production. This prop will be used to great effect during numerous speeches, but will be eventually replaced by an artificial tooth that mists water into her mascara.

5.) Minutes after taking the oath of office, Palin will become drunk with power, declaring all men Enemy Combatants and ordering them interned.  Vast jail systems will be erected on the prairies of Kansas, where men will be forced to labor at cotton looms, producing tampons and bloomers for Sarah’s army of women denizens.

4.) Under the Palin Administration, all currency will be redesigned.  The new bills will feature various close up images of female genitals as testament to the awesome power of women.  Outraged by the new currency, powerful UAE Sheiks will slash oil production, sending the price for a barrel of crude skyrocketing to an all-time high of two-hundred-thirty vulvas and thirteen fallopian tubes per barrel.

3.) Once in power, Sarah Palin will dismantle “Obamacare,” instead spending billions on weird surgeries aimed at allowing her to pee standing up.  With all medical science focused on Palin’s spine and uterus, the American people will be forced to treat their own illnesses with roots and crystals.

2.) Fed up with the war in Iraq, Palin will appear before the U.N. and shriek while ripping her hair out. She will then paste the hair onto a box of Price Chopper brand au gratin potato mix, go on vacation, and no one will notice the difference.

1.) Palin will roam America with a rifle, killing every moose and animal that even slightly resembles a moose until all the forests are empty.


Read Nick’s musings at The Friscalating Dusklight.


  • Anthony

    11.) The nation’s scholastic textbooks will be “corrected” so that they conform to the “New Truths of President Palin”. Under the New Truths campaign, World History is revised to have begun around 6,000 years ago- simultaneously with God’s instantaneous creation of the planet and the human species. Also, Social Studies books teach that Jesus Christ was a signatory party to the (now completely revised) U.S. Constitution.

  • Jimmy

    #10 is too badass for her.
    I don’t think she’d get tired of Iraq, though.
    Who will be Vice-President?

  • Anthony

    12.) The Presidential Succession Act of 1947 will be rescinded. The offices of vice president, Speaker of the House, President pro tempore, Secretary of State, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Defense, Attorney General, and Secretaries of the Interior, Agriculture, Commerce, Labor, Health/Human Services, HUD, Transporation, Energy, Education, Veterans Affairs, and Homeland Security will all be abolished. The departments associated with these offices will also be abolished and replaced by a series of Ministries. Only the office of the president will remain intact. In the event of her passing, the (now greatly expanded) powers of the president will pass immediately to either her husband Todd (Minister of Fishing) or one of her immediate heirs. Thus ushering in the age of the Palin dynasty and assuring 500 years of darkness over the land.

  • Anthony

    Or, maybe Katherine Harris.

  • Jimmy

    Anthony, she’s a puppet. Not a super-duper authoritarian dictator person. And her puppet master would be Dick Cheney, not Todd.
    She’ll keep offices with people like Bachmann, Angle, and O’Donnell, and other people.
    Like Bush, she would not run her own presidency. It would be run by people far smarter than her. Cheney being the biggest one.

  • Anthony

    Jimmy: Just take a big steamy dump on everything I wrote whydon’tchya? Of course you are right. The only difference being that unlike with Bush, (who took his orders with a smile, and generally understood that he was a tool) the puppetmasters of the Palin regime would have to make her feel as though she were the one in charge. It’s not exactly a difficult thing to pull off. Palin can always be distracted with a moose hunt, turkey shoot, shopping spree, or anything colorful and/or shiny.

  • Jimmy

    She’d have to feel like she’s in control.
    I wonder from what position Cheney would control the Presidency this time?
    Since she loves hunting so much, and she’s an idiot, would she try to get Cheney to go on a hunting trip with her?
    Like you said, Katherine Harris would get a post too.
    I wonder what position she’d give Newt Gingrich? After all, he could…you know…seduce her into inadvertently giving him more power. But I have to wonder what Todd would do about that?
    By the way, it’s not too early to already be looking into who’s going on our loathsome list this year. I’ve got Trump, who’d get his third mention, we should definitely put Gingrich, who we have not done in all our years of having this list, Bachmann, Gov. Walker, Boehner, Ryan, maybe Cantor, Charlie Sheen, SNOOKI. Ehh, anybody I’ve missed? So far, I mean the year is only halfway over.

  • Jimmy

    Hey, since Rupert Murdoch has American citizenship, we could put him on the list this year.

  • Tom

    I think Jimmy has a good idea. This year’s list should include Trump, Gingrich, Bachmann, Walker, Boehner, Ryan, perhaps Cantor, Charlie Sheen, Snooki, Rupert Murdoch.
    Maybe it’s too early to tell, but I wonder who’s going to be #1.

    • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

      Timmy/Jimmy/Tom agrees with Timmy/Jimmy/Tom? Wow, what a shock. Seriously, are you like 10 years old or something?

  • http://www.thefriscalatingdusklight.com Nick

    I Agree with Jimmy, but everyone else can fuck themselves.

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