"Totally coup, yo."

SHRED MAN TALKING

Jul

27

by

gonzales-ashcroftA Chat Between Friends

By Allan Uthman

From “Face the Nation” (CBS News) – Sunday, July 24, 2005:

SCHIEFFER: Let me also shift to this whole Karl Rove controversy… according to Frank Rich in The New York Times this morning, on September 29th, 2003, when you were the White House counsel, the Justice Department notified you that it had opened an investigation into who outed Joe Wilson’s wife, but that you waited 12 hours to notify White House staffers that they had to preserve materials connected to that case. That, of course, would give people time to shred documents and do any number of things. Why didn’t you immediately notify the White House staff that this Justice Department investigation was about to commence?

Mr. GONZALES: …In this particular case, we were notified by the Department of Justice late one evening. I guess it was about 8:00. And I specifically had our lawyers go back to the Department of Justice lawyers and ask them, ‘Do you want us to notify the staff now, immediately, or would it be OK to notify the staff early in the morning?’ And we were advised, ‘Go ahead and notify the staff early in the morning. That would be OK.’ And again, most of the staff had gone home. No one knew about the investigation. And we made…

SCHIEFFER: Well, let me just ask you the obvious question, Mr. Attorney General. Did you tell anybody at the White House, ‘Get ready for this, here it comes?’

Mr. GONZALES: I told one person in the White House that—of the notification and…

SCHIEFFER: Who?

Mr. GONZALES: …then immediately—I told the chief of staff. And then immediately the next morning, I told the president. And shortly thereafter, there was a notification sent out to all the members of the White House staff.

*  *  *

September 29, 2003, 8:07pm:

*phone rings*

“Hello?”

“Alberto! What’s up, Speedy?”

“Ashcroft! How’s it hanging?”

“Definitely to the right.”

“Ha! Good one! What’s up?”

“Bad news, Speedy. Looks like we’re going to have to ‘investigate’ this thing with Joe Wilson.”

“Man, what a dick!”

“Totally. Anyhow, you know…we’re supposed to tell you to ‘preserve all documents’ and all…”

“Fuck! Come on, man!”

“I know, I know, but seriously, people are pissed. They want me to recuse myself, but, you know, fuck that. Still, I’ve gotta make it look good.”

“Shit—this is not happening. Umm, listen man; I need a little time here.”

“Well, why else do you think I’d be calling you at night? I’m missing the fucking Simpsons, for fuck’s sake!”

“It’s a rerun anyway. Can you believe Family Guy’s back on?”

“I know, awesome!”

“Totally. So, what are you saying about calling me at night?”

“Come on Speedy, do I have to spell it out?”

“Umm…yeah, I guess. You know, that ‘Speedy’ thing is a little annoying.”

“Seriously? Come on, Alberto, it’s just a joke; if I was a racist, I’d never call you that to your face. It’s a term of endearment.”

“Well…I guess.”

If you want me to stop saying it, I’ll stop.”

“No, don’t worry about it, really. So anyhow, yeah, what do you mean, you know, about calling late?”

“Put it this way: if everybody was out of the office, I wouldn’t have a problem with giving you till tomorrow to tell them to preserve the documents.”

“No, everybody’s still here; it’s the friggin’ White House, man, we’re always at it—what is it, 8:00?”

“Jesus…look, I didn’t hear that. Listen carefully: I’ll give you 12 hours to tell everyone to preserve their documents, IF nobody’s there.”

“But everybody’s–”

“ALBERTO! You’re not receiving me here. How did you ever get this job being such a bad liar?”

“Oh. Ohhhh. Okay, I get it.”

“Riiight. So you say….”

“Hey John, love to help you out, but, you know, it’s late; everybody already went home. Heh. Is it cool if I wait till tomorrow to tell them?”

“Hey, I don’t see why not. Take 12 hours. Who’s it gonna hurt, right?”

“Right, hahaha.”

“Heh heh heh heh, see that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“No, that was pretty easy, heh. Thanks a bunch, John. Okay, I gotta go tell Andy to warm the shredders up.”

“Goddammit, Gonzales, don’t tell me that! Jesus!”

“Oh yeah! Sorry, man. Er, I was just kidding. That was a joke.”

“Uh, okay, sure, ‘good one.’ Christ.

“Anything else?”

“No. Just call Andy right away; he’ll know what to do. Now hang up before you get us both indicted.”

“Okay, man…good lookin’ out, buddy. See ya.”

*click*

“Christ. Fucking wetback.”

*click*

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