"Totally coup, yo."

[sic]

Feb

03

by

[sic]

SWEET!

I just read your “bad brew” article, which I found via totalfark…whoever wrote that needs to find a job writing for a major publication (Maxim, Stuff, etc.) — that was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. The “Steel Reserve” portion caused me to spit a mouthful of Red Bull all over my desk because I started laughing with the “Holy Fucking Shitballs” intro…

Thanks for the laugh this morning….

-Larry

Larry,

Aaaahh, profanity. Where would we be without it? Hey, wasn’t Red Bull also crappy beer at one point? Whoah.

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Dear Beast:

I was hoping for a bit more technical data in the substandard swill article. Specifically -taste aside- what is the highest alcohol percentage brew at the cheapest price? You may need to perform some kind of mathematical analysis: ounces of alcohol per dollar. Are malt liquors really the highest percentage? Why isn’t this information disclosed on the bottle?

Sober and confused -or- drunk and broke.

Patrick

Patrick,

‘A bit more technical data?’ Please, we were reviewing the boo, which means we were drinking it, boner! Go get yourself some grain alcohol, you sad bastard.

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NOWATERINDASHOWER

have you ever been flushed on by local governing bodies in the shower? are you dancing between or washing dishes with less water than a morning dew collection of drops? do you feel the man is out of his friggin mind getting a 20% increase in pay while you sit in a cold basement after work with a bernsomatic torch? stop…take action…complain to someone who cares! ! !

call your water authority! ! !

Chefsidsonfire

Chefsidsonfire,

Have you ever written a letter to someone that made sense? Wait, you’re running out of water? Bernsomatic torch? You’re losing us, man. To your credit, however, the man is definitely out of his frigging mind. Are you the man?

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GOD SUCKS

Accept God into your life while you still have time.

Contact a local church or prayerline today.

He is real do not be in Hell when you realize it!

Casey Schroeder

Dear Casey,

We’re already in hell. The only contact we’ll be making with a local church will be with a bulldozer. Grrr!

MORE WEB FOLLIES

you suck not to have your new issue online, I live in Kentucky, and of course your paper isn’t distributed in my town. I rely on the internet. get your shit together assholes!

-becky

Dear Editor’s Girlfriend,

The next time you pretend to be from Kentucky, try taking your name off the e-mail, silly.

PICKY

Go back to the old look on the website.

The old look was underground and put the emphasis on the writing. This new one is all over the place and distracting.

marc manzo

Marc,

Ummmm…OK.

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TEXTUAL HARRASSMENT

Dear Buffalo Beast,

I have to say that I do agree that Jessica is a pretty name and I do agree with most things that you have to say altogether. But i must say no there is nothing i can do for you for a subscription other then money, for the simple fact that i can already tell i am to good for you, you are the type of person that giggles at slight cleavage and is excited at a rated r movie you most likely spend you time trying to beat the system and see as much as you can on the fuzzy station (for gods sake just pay for the station)

Jessica

Jessica,

We can’t afford the station! We just can’t. Maybe we should sell subscriptions or something. You sound hot, because you’re either really young or really dumb.

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THE FATTIES DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH

Hi – While I do agree that the bar patrons of Buffalo Wild Wings are a bit heavy/ugly, I do not agree that the staff is. Take a good look at the workers they are all very cute, if not gorgeous. The servers especially….

Cheers!

Skiiibunniii

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big mistake…..

So i never heard of your paper. But I just read an article. I haven’t been in BW3′s in a long time… but after reading your review why would I want to go? I’m led to believe its full of ugly/heavy people. Actually, i’m expecting it to be full of them! A good journalist would never dream of making a comment like that unless it were true, right?, because then it would be bordering on slander.

I guess its not a big suprise I never heard of your paper. You publish tasteless garbage. What a joke, you couldnt find anything else wrong with the place so you had to start talking about the people!

Truth is, the trash you passed off as reporting hurt a friend of mine. And like any good friend would do… they would go right after your precious advertisers.

good day :)

waterboy

aaaaaaaaw……was it skiiibunniii? Seriously, there’s no way you could interpret our review as slander. The correct term is libel.

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Dear Turdmuncher,

You should just stay out of Buffalo Wild Wings b/c we don’t need internet geeks

with no cajones to say something to someone’s face.

Just tell your boyfriend that New York is gay friendly but the Mighty Buffalo

can’t stand your stench.

Sincerely,

Yo Momma’s Baby’s Daddy

Dear Daddy,

You guys must be really fat and ugly to get so upset over this. Look, we can be friends, no problem, just take out an ad…fat-ass.

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LEFT COAST MILQUETOAST

Glad we are living on a major fault line, what the fuck? I do not know about the rest of the state, but I live in the only island of normality in the whole west coast, the East Bay. Western New York State does not sound very different, what with the decaying infrastructure, the comically inept politicians and the white flight to the less terminally fucked suburbs. Matter of fact, here is a fun trivia question. What major California city lead the state in murder and violent crime, is also a major drug smuggling hub and has been without a police narcotics division for almost two years? Ding, ding, ding…. Oakland it is! For all its problems, the East Bay does have it charm and is infinitely superior to that glory hog of a city, San Francisco (motto: Birthplace of the Whiny Metrosexual). Ever see that Verizon commercial with that irritating and balding pervert in Drew Carrey glasses? Well, then you never have to go to SF because you pretty much know what everyone who lives there is like. I would love to have a friendly argument over which is superior, Western New York or the East Bay, but I really have never been to Buffalo so I would not know if you where feeding me a line of shit. Until then have some respect for the state that contains the city that is the birthplace of the Black Panthers and the home of the greatest football franchise ever.

-max blithe

Face it, Max, the only reason you live in Oakland is because you could never possibly afford to live in SF. We’re not the ones who elected Arnie, not to mention Reagan. We’ll start respecting you when Northern Cali finally secedes and forms its own state. Oakland is hardcore, sure, but you’d all shrivel up and die if you got one day’s worth of Buffalo snow. The Raiders do have way cooler uniforms, though, we’ll give you that.

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KUTCHER KABAL

Re Most Vile: A tough job to be certain, deciding who should and who should not be on the Most Vile List, but you’ll have to excuse me for bringing to your attention one GLARING absence. Ashton Kutcher??? This fuckwit was born for the list. True, the list maintains many individuals with high-ranking positions and the ability to fuck us over everyday by pusing this or that agenda -an ability that he dosn’t possess. But pound for pound nobody can annoy like Kutcher, and,worst of all, you can’t get away fromt he prick! He’s on every channel all the time! his resume speaks for itself.

That having been said, much respect for the Beast. Shine on.

Benjain Hunt

Benjamin,

We considered Ashton for the list, but then he never would have agreed to do the interview in our last issue. Plus, he’s got, like, the best stuff, dude.

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“Desert Storm da video game!” (read like “Yogurt” from Spaceballs)

I don’t know if you’s know about this, but there’s a fucking Desert Storm video game. Can you believe that shit? Talk about irony. (Y’know, considering the weapons programs, news footage, etc) It’s called like “Desert Storm II: Back to Baghdad” or something like that. I don’t know what offends me more: the fact that some company has decided the events disgracing America in the internat’l community and the demise of civillians from Iraq and soldiers from the US is trivial enough to be made into a video game, or that they just didn’t put enough imagination into the game. I mean, hell-oooo?! No “Bionic Commando invades Baghdad”, or “Contra: The Baghdad Years”? Or remember that game “Jackal”, with the two jeeps for original NES? You could have those dudes blasting away insurgents and innocent citizens left and right! “Improvised Explosive Device” my ass! Send fuckin Double Dragon in there. Or, here’s my favorite: The dust from the Depleted Uranium munitions turns US and Iraqi’s over there into zombies, and you can have a Resident Evil: Baghdad. Whatever, the game makers over seas are sitting on a goldmine and they don’t even know it. I tried. And where is Jailbait Jenny? Everyone wants to know.

Luke Allein

Luke,

Jenny’s been here the whole time; she just doesn’t like to speak when her mouth is full.

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MONSTER OF METAL

RE: DU Weapons

I find this article to be inaccurate and offensive. First of all, the pentagon does NOT spend “almost the entire federal budget.” It is certainly not more than 30%, and most likely a lot less. Secondly, we don’t use DP to poison people. (There are a lot more effective ways to poison people if we wanted to, which we don’t.) Rather, we use DP because it is highly effective in penetrating armor. It is INTENDED to kill whatever it is aimed at. Without it, we need to use a lot more explosive, which has implications of lesser payload, lesser effectiveness, and therefore our soldiers more at risk. We have not irradiated cities (as alleged elsewhere), but have used these weapons on armored vehicles (mostly in the desert) or bunkers. The bunker buster cited does NOT contain “an explosive uranium charge that weighs 1.7 tons” as alleged in this article. Uranium doesn’t explode unless detonated in a (very) controlled manner in a nuclear explosion. What the GBU-28 has is 630 lbs of high explosive. (0.3 tons.) The depleted uranium itself does not explode, it is there to add mass and density allowing it to penetrate 20 feet of concrete or 100 feet of dirt. Without it, we have no way of penetrating hardened bunkers other than using actual NUCLEAR weapons, which would have a catastrophic effect for everyone, not just those in the bunker itself. I suppose we could just leave the bunkers alone and allow the people hiding there to continue to command and control enemies who would hurt our troops or kill our civilians in our homeland. I prefer to kill those in the bunkers myself. As for the dangers of dirty bombs, they are primarily psychological weapons. The only people seriously at risk are those close enough to be injured by the blast itself. As for the high levels of radiation at four sites in Baghdad, there is no causality demonstrated in this article. There are a number of possibilities. Leftover material from Sadam’s weapons research, material looted from hospitals, etc. If the author were to say that there is high level of radiation next to this bunker that we destroyed, then that is causality, but merely linking radiation to DU in an effort to say we are deliberately trying to irradiate cities is ridiculous. (“Did you know bananas are dangerous for your health? My grandfather ate bananas and he’s dead! His father ate bananas too and HE’s dead. Bananas are dangerous!”) So, are DP munitions inherently dangerous? Yes. They are intended to be, just as other weapons and many other useful things such as gasoline and automobiles. The benefits in this case of being able to destroy enemy armor and bunkers outweigh the collateral risks posed by DP residue. Tell locals not to let their kids play on destroyed tanks. The collateral damage of using DU is a lot less than the up-front damage would be if we didn’t use it. Personally, I’d rather take a chance at getting cancer down the road to being killed outright today. Finally, the Pentagon does not go to war so they can test their new toys. They test their weapons first. The needs of war (killing enemy soldiers at the least risk to ourselves or civilians) drives weapons development. Weapons development does not drive war. This is an insult to our troops and a callous disregard of the lives and welfare of our people. If people are unhappy with the effects of war, they should focus their energy on preventing war, not on harming our troops by limiting their abilities on the battlefield.

>Pete Cox

Okay, “almost the entire federal budget” is a bit of an exaggeration, but not much. I never said we were deliberately irradiating cities, just that we are irradiating cities. Your moral relativism is revolting, Cox. “Tell locals not to let their kids play on destroyed tanks?” I can just hear your sinister snigger as you type a callously hateful line like that. “Weapons development does not drive war?” Puh-leese. “I’d rather take a chance at getting cancer down the road to being killed outright today?” Frankly, I’m not so sure, in your case.

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OOOOOOOOOOOOH…………[on the phone:]
Hey Beast Guys this is the Alt Press. Uh, reference your pot uh ad, just wanted you to know that everyone that’s been calling we’ve been telling them they’re calling a police sting sponsored by the Buffalo Beast and gave them your number. Bye.

Wow. That’s gotta be the lamest retort ever. Why would a police sting tell the callers what it is? You guys need to work on this ‘funny’ thing you’ve been trying out. Whatever; we were just expressing our affection for you guys. You never call anymore, Alt Press. Is there another publication in your life? It’s OK; we can handle it. Just tell us it’s not. Artefakt, please.

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