"Totally coup, yo."

[sic] OF IT ALL

Aug

02

by

[sic] OF IT ALL

Sirs,
Tom Sartori is the most misunderstood artist in Buffalo. His talent eludes the self-absorbed integrity snobs Buffalo gently suckles. With heartwarming baby rock, this one man musical molasses adheres to those whom enjoy excellent songwriting. To remove this aural gem from our wonderful city would be paving over a garden. Show a little class you fiendish posse of perverted invertebrates.

Sincerely,
Fredrick Balloons

The Beast replies:

Dear Frederick,
You had us going for a second there, we’ll admit it.

Frederick responds:

Yeah, I know. It was hard to write with a straight face. The absurdity preserves its humor.

Fredrick

Dear Frederick,
An “A’ for effort. The “perverted invertebrates” was a nice touch.


CUPID STRIKES

Dear [sic],
Once again my heart has melted into a sloppy goo upon viewing one of your very own Beast employees. From the moment she walks in the door to the moment she leaves, my heart starts pounding to the point where I become short of breath. I start getting light-headed and I begin to trip over my own words like a nerdy 6th grader asking the class ‘hottie’ to the school dance.

For sake of embarassment, we’ll call her M. Hedberg, nah…that’s too obvious, we’ll call her Masha H.

I just want to know what my chances are of possibly going out on a date with her. Chances are that I would shake uncontrollably and make a complete ass of myself if there were even the slightest chances of a date. So let’s just forget I even mentioned it.

How about that mayor huh?

sincerely,
d.t.m

Dear d.t.m.,
Actually, Masha is a man. Check out her adam’s apple next time she comes in.


[sic] IN TANDEM

[Eds. note: The BEAST received the following pair of letters, one after another, within a few hours in the middle of last week]

Dickheads;

To all you scum-sucking, punker-than-the foul, ass, ever-present stank, of pungent methane leak from your, rag you got there, fresh from your colon, and out on to the streets, and in to establishments of our beloved Queen City,

I am starting up my own publication, we will do everything in our power to be the antithesis of your ignorant sewage… Buffalo is a well-cultured city, a great many of us went to school here, and have spent a good deal of time in the area. This generation of local media must have high standards. You crossed a very sensitive line with your first issue’s little “joke” about hijackings, and murdering mass numbers of people, you have embarrassed your self, and you have NO HONOR…

Let’s just assume that we put that issue on the back burner (-and believe me, the stove is on high heat), but if we were to disregard your deficiencies, your comedically challenged disabilities, and the fact that you are illiterate, what do we have left in that piece of shit, that you have now subjected us to, for the last few weeks… With little 3 year old boys, that you have over there editing your “Punker than shit,” paper, that obvioissue’ss no invested intereshijackingsommunity, other than to mock it, while the biggest local story of our time, the fiscal crisis in the city budget, especially in tnbspftermath of 9-11, (remember that massacre that you like to joke about? -You slimy, bottom feeding, parasites). You have no credibility, you have taken advantage of this City’s businesses and insulted the vast majority of public opinion, and picked one hell of a time to do it you fucking ass hole, terrorist-tabloid, Shit suckers.

It is time to be professional. I know that word seers your skin,comedicallypire to the cross, but you must now apologize to the people of City of Buffalo, the people who you offended in their own home, then head back to the rock you crawled out from under…

And now for the second letter:

Hi,
I love your newspaper. Can I marry into the Beast?

Oh yeah, I had a reason for writing… This guy sent you an email about how he hates you and thinks you’re insensitive ( he read one of your earlier articles that said you didn’t want to hijack a plane and crash it in to the HSBC tower… man that pissed him off, “after what happened on 9/11…”)and what-not, but he also said he wants to start his own publication to run you out of town, well could you annoy him as much as possible? I really get a kick when he gets so pissed off. It would really mean a lot to me.

Thanks
Bekah

ps.I know you aren’t worried about his publication,but it really will never exist. Trust me.

Dear Bekah,
This might be the most satisfying pair of [sic] letters we’ve ever gotten. Give us a call and we’ll send you some free paraphernalia.


I NEED SEX

Alright Beast.

I am a rather homely being that hasn’t tasted the sacred nectar tween a woman’s gams in ages. Just wondering if your rating system is based on personal experience or what your friends have bragged about. And to whom must I compare myself, looks-wise and “lines” or “game”, if you will. Do the ratings apply to all of us sloths? And another question, if a bar gets a 3 stars in fahkie and 3 in fracas, does that mean you have to kick some girl’s boyfriends ass to get a piece?

Signed,
Desperately seeking sex

Dear Desperately,

For someone like you, three stars means that if you go to the bar every day for a year, a girl in a halter top will eventually ask you for a cigarette. As for us, all we have to do is show them our brand-new Dodge Viper, complete with brown leather bucket seats and neon running lights, and they’re ours.

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