"Totally coup, yo."

[sic]

Aug

06

by

BOZO BEATDOWN

Okay, the clown thing was fucking stupid. First of all, Ian Murphy deserved to get a serious beat-down, but it didn’t happen. Having his snide ass kicked by bible-thumpers would have at least been funny. If some weirdo waltzed into my local bar wearing a clown suit and making an ass out of himself while I was trying to enjoy a soothing, well-deserved beer, I can assure you that he’d find himself balls-up on the sidewalk trying to figure out why he had on that dumb-assed clown wig. Smarten up, Ian. Being a dick isn’t always hilarious.

Manuel Martinez

Dear Manuel,

So what you’re saying is, if you were at a bar, and a guy walked into the bar in a clown suit, you’d beat him up? That doesn’t seem very cool of you, Manuel. Why not say, “Hey, clown guy! Come have a drink and tell me your story”? It’s just a bar, Manuel, what’s the big deal? Sheesh. It’s not Murphy’s fault the churchies didn’t have the balls to beat him up.

BIG MAN ON HIPPOCAMPUS

re: men are big

Clever, but wrong. Elephants are bigger than men. Size isn’t the same thing as power, though they’re obviously related.

I’m completely sympathetic to feminism, but please remember that being right and being pleasant are two separate virtues. When you give up either, your oppressors have won.

Stop treating feminism like a slam-dunk — you’re doing it a disservice.

Adam Lanphier

Dear Adam,

Well, you’ve proved that men are smarter than elephants. Think about it like this: If women and men were just the same, except women were bigger and stronger, who do you think would have been running things all this time? And that “be pleasant or the oppressors have won” thing has got to be the dumbest thing we’ve heard all day.

DARK INVADER

If Obama is illegal, every signed by him as President is null and void and every political leaders who knew he was illegal is guilty of committing several serious crimes which will result in jail time and their resignation from office. So, the inane sentence, “We’ve all heard the crazed, baseless conspiracy theories about Obama’s birth certificate. The above sentence is pure bunk” is subterfuge! Attorney Berg has submitted a very convincing brief to the Supreme Court of the United States. The SJC, which heard arguments that whales have legal standing, has taken the position that an officer of the court licensed to go before the SJC who is also a former District Attorney and a citizen has no right to challenge the credentials of a presidential candidate. In his lawsuit Berg has pointed out that if Obama was adopted in Indonesia, he is not currently legal. This not fantasy. Is Obama legal? Why are his university records sealed? Why has a press that dug up every silly negative they could. substantiated or not to smear Palin, ignored all the above? This is a serious issue which has to be addressed. If the Democrats have put in place a President who they know is not a legal citizen, they have done more damage to the nation that any terrorists has to date.

amtr

Dear amtr,

Why? Really, even if he wasn’t born here or whatever, what the fuck difference would that really make? Not that it’s true—because it isn’t—but if it were, it would be nothing but a technical victory for you hee haw motherfuckers. “More damage” than 9/11 if we voted for an immigrant? Fuck you, farm boy.

I.T. FREELY

update from dallas, tx(previous emailer): my setting up ‘moose piss’ as our homepage at work got me, uh, ‘liberated’ from my shit job. thank you beast!

i’m currently setting all home pages at my new shit job to the beast – planning for the same outcome. wish me luck kids and keep up the good work.

p.s. – make fun of texas more. this place has to be the mecca of douchebags(although technically, being a colostomy bag is probably worse). i hope i’m not one of them, but i do read the beast, so there is a good chance i may be one already.

Patrick P.

Dear Patrick,

Well, that is hilarious. With any luck, the unemployment checks will reach you before the state secedes.

HOLD THE PICKLES

how could sandwiches not make the loathesome list? i realize sandwiches are not people (nor loathesome), but being an overrated snack (bread, meat, mustard, ect) should count as, well, maybe an ‘honorary’ member of this club. sub’s do NOT count, as subs are not sandwiches.

gotta go, as my bandwith is shrinking.

wait.

‘i must leave, as my bandwith

is shrinking.’ more ominious sounding, yes?

good luck, godspeed, and lets all get ready to hate on the ‘land of the lost’ movie,

MARSHAL, WILL, AND HOLLY!

ps: i have decided sandwiches are delicious.

Snuffy Smith

Dear Snuffy,

Hey, that’s—that’s something…

WALLABEE COOL

G’day,

you answered my letter. Cool. However you did seem to leap to a tall presumption in a single bound there fellas.

American culture is ubiquitous. I’ve been immersed in it since I was old enough to watch Kermit the frog.

No thinking person anywhere in the world denies there are millions upon millions of good people in the States. There’s a bloke in Minnesota giving his elderly dog a pat. A woman in Florida who is taking her five year old daughter for a walk in the park. Bought her an icecream and is giving her a push on the swing.

A big part of my anger towards the States stems from my own inabillity to reconcile my acknowledgement of the humanity described above with my recognition that collectively that humanity morphs into an military/industrial complex that specialises in blowing old dogs and children into bloody little pieces. An entity whose voracious evilness makes the Spanish Inquisition look like an episode of the Wiggles.

You very politely pointed out that Australia is also a twat of country. Your Right. Politically the only difference I can see between your last president and our last prime minister is that we voted for our cocksucker.

Twice. I couldnt find any Michelangelo’s in the phonebook. However there are a number of Santelli’s listed. Brothers in arms eh?

Yet everywhere I travel in this country as a tradesman I meet people who grieve for the innocent that we are killing. People who recognise the absurdity of an economic system that utilises finite resources but is dependant on exponential growth. So many people that intuitively I know that if we simultaneously withdrew our consent for the status quo, we would have the evil doers fucked.

Something like how the Bolivian people responded to Bechtal. Except on a global scale.

The point of both my letters to you is that I don’t want the people at Buffalo Beast to underestimate their voice.

Laughter and a capacity for independant thought are essential to any movement for change. You guys have achieved both.

18000 kms from Buffalo there is a 34 year old bloke, a fifteen year old kelpie and a five year old girl who likes to have tea parties with her dollies.

We all hope you keep up what you are doing.

Incidentally, I think that an adherence to, or perpetuation of a cultures oral traditions has been historically benificial in evolutionary terms and is therefore at least partially instinctive. For example.There is a group of warriors from one tribe sitting on a hillside overlooking a valley belonging to a rival tribe. They are thinking about invading the valley. Killing the men, stealling the resources and raping the women. A clear evolutionary boon. Are they more likely to be successful if they A. have a zealous belief in a traditional story they have about how God wants them to do it.

B. Are scared about getting hurt and worried about the morality of a unprovoked attack on innocent people.

How logical is any cultural activity? I will admit that so far baseball hasnt been responsible for the human suffering that religion has. But it seems just as stupid to someone whose culture doesnt have it.

If you accept that people cling to there religion in a instinctual way, you may have some understanding of why you seem to be pushing shit up hill in your struggle against it.

Greg

Dear Greg,

You’re probably right about religion having been an evolutionary advantage in darker times. You’re also right about baseball being stupid. We tried to watch cricket once and it damn near killed us. But we’re at a point where religion, and the enforced ignorance that is its incubator, is threatening to take us all down. If there’s a major cull, it might select for atheism. Unless we get burned at the stake.

MEDIA TRAITOR

Anchor Downs,

I really enjoyed your article on AlJazeera. As of late, that channel has been my primary source for worldly affairs. Zimbabwean prisons? CNN doesn’t care. Pictures of S. Ossetian apartment buildings burned out? NBC wouldn’t cover such a concise transgression of western-wannabe Georgia.

Frankly, I’ve felt pretty alienated in my admiration of AlJazeera. Of course, going back to watch any major U.S. channel makes me want to puke. What’s shocking is that in this day and age, the level of discourse sharply rises with The Daily Show, and soars when we reach publications such as yours.

Looking back at one of the liberal idols I used to hold some fondness for, Bill Maher is a fucking tool. A recent episode included a discussion on healthcare. One guest was derided for blaming the food industry and their revolting marketing, and there was no mention of Obama’s vapid domestic policy on the issue.

Are we really that fringe now? In this day and age, acknowleding fact is a wholly revolutionary, guerilla trait. And I’m very happy to find another publican that is down for it.

-Dean

Dear Dean,

Why do you hate American cable? Is anyone on Aljazeera shouting down their guests? Well, are they? No—ARE THEY? No, no, let me finish! Let me finish! I didn’t interrupt you! I didn’t—well I don’t care! That’s—YOU HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS! No, not me, YOU! SHUT UP! SHUT—That’s it, cut his mike. I said CUT IT!

THE WORST AMENDMENT

It is pure absurdity to consider that the United State’s Supreme Court Justices are allowed to vote their collective ignorance of the law while Mr. or Miss J. Public cannot claim such a prized possession: sorry your Honor, I did not know that ignorance of the law was not an excuse. Have we not yet learned that a vote or an opinion on something means lacking understanding of what “it” is, imperfection. If these nine titled persons actually knew what it meant would they need to vote or have an opinion, no. They get a free pass of ignorance of law and laws while we, the public, are saddle with law makers toying with morality, law; and no person ever concluded that government was the true bully church, following its own laws without thought. It is not as if we can excommunicate ourselves as easily as Christianity or Mormonism, or divorce ourselves from the true corruption of opinion. We love the smell of our own opinions while being alarmed over the opinions of others. See 9-11 for exacting details of differing opinions on what God said… or meant… demigods for that matter. To know what it is or to keep perpetuating the guess, the opinion, becoming the sanctified opinion, law, through the abject poverty of Wisdom: the knowledge of all things true, in existence without change, the perfect.

You and I cannot communicate because of your opinions in the middle of our conversations. What is agree / disagree if it were not for opinions? Remove yourself from the imperfect and give yourselves the gift of wisdom and understanding, then we may talk. Other than that, keep your head crammed up your arse and smelling your own opinion on life and everything in it. You poor dim-witted, dull, media shit’s sniffing shit. Purveyors of Imperfection and the truest of all Idioturds. Show me a paper without opinion, perfect guesses equaling imperfect understanding, zero that is…

The Morality Maker’s Masquerade of complete and utter untrustworthiness; so much for playing nice with fools, Jesus. Save your “competent” opinion, I tell you the truth. Tired of opinion and the shit life? Oh, don’t recognize… seek what exists outside of your imagination’s opinion. Stop your stupidity / foolery in its tracks, opinion: how to lie to one’s self and get away with nothing, it shows. See life or a news paper for details.

David Scott Callahan

Dear David,

What a pile of dog vomit. That’s just our opinion.

F TROOPS

I remember coming to an understanding, in a particular High School English class, that even if you think Jehovah God told you do take some action, you are still on the hook for making the judgement that it was in fact Jehovah God on the other end of the line. Some kind of existentialist revelation, I think.

This is one reason (besides inherent wimpiness, no doubt) that I never joined the army. I no longer believed that I could outsource my moral judgement to my tribe. The intergenerational betrayal that was more commonly known as the Vietnam war was another factor.

I think there is a difference between those who follow orders and those who give them, so the objects of my anger have tended to be the guys in suits and clean uniforms rather than those crawling around in the mud.

But especially when military families engage in the maudlin spectacle of flaunting their wounds to the benefit of those who have pissed away the blood of their kin, I admit to thinking, fuck this, indulging this idiocy isn’t helping anyone except the evil bastards at the top of the pyramid.

So yeah, troops, you don’t get credit for giving yourselves moral lobotomies.

Springsteen has another way into this chamber, which I’m sure you’ve heard:

“Fear’s a powerful thing/Can turn your heart black you can trust/Take your God-<something> soul/Fill it w/devils and dust.”

As George Carlin said, “We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that.”

Fingal

Dear Fingal,

Actually, even if you could establish that it was God telling you do something, it’s still your obligation to determine if it was a good idea. For all you know, He could be a psychopath. The fact that we’re invoking the Nuremberg defense to shield torturers from accountability shows what incredible hypocrites we are. Nazis who refused orders were likely to be killed. Americans might get sent home, or at worst they’d spend some time in a cell. So either we were wrong then, or we’re wrong now. Possibly both.

ANGLOPHILIAC

In one of your ‘50 Most’ lists you site having to watch BBC documentaries as a punishment. I take offence at this.As Anchor Downs credibly argues in, ‘The Best News Channel in the World’ that the Arab news service is the most reliable, so the BBC Natural History Unit credibly argues through production quality, that they are easily, ‘The Best Documentary Makers in the World’.

No one touches them in Natural History, if this bores you, read a book, if that bores you, book a whore. “Life in the Udergrowth” is compelling viewing, if you are at all interested in things other than ‘Prison fucking Break’. The seminal “Life on Earth” 30 years on, is still ahead of all Discovery nonsense; who incidentally get shitloads of their stuff from the ‘BBC Natural History Unit’. I mean if the history of world war one told in “The Great War” (196?), bores you watch their monumental “WWII” series, or “the HUman Body” with Robert Winston. (I do realise this last was pulled off prime time US TV because the opening credits pan across a line of people aged 1-100, all naked, the last few oldies wear bathrobes; just as well, I can agree).

“The Life of Dinosaurs”, “The Life of Mammals”, “The Life of Birds”, “ THe Life of Plants”, “The Blue Planet”, all these extensive, exhaustive series created over several years mostly, I have seen, and I’ve watched Matrix too and enjoy it, and read the Beast and enjoy it; so what the fuck are you on about; boring? My arse. Only a truly apathetic planet dweller could say this, and I know the last thing the people at the Beast are is apathetic; unless your well documented cynicicm (I enjoy), has morphed into apathy (I donot enjoy).

So I demand an explanation, this not merely a question of taste, it is a question on whoes description of our contemporary planets’ ecosystem state of health you trust, the Discovery Channel, Fox and Friends, or Al Jazeera, the Beast, and the BBC Natural History Unit. I know where I get my contemporary take on the lamentable state of this fucked up global village. The Beast for US concerns is one such source.

Having got that off my chest, I enjoy all the ‘50s Most’ even the obvious nutjobs I’ve never heard of.

Be nice in your reply, I don’t want a knew arsehole for defending something I’ve grown up with and still consider several quality standards higher than the nearest competitors. What I’m saying is don’t be too beastly.

Rob, a loyal reader.

Dear Rob,

What we have here is a failure to communicate. What you’ve failed to notice is that the “full year of plodding BBC Documentaries” punishment was for “everyone who got together to watch the final episode of ‘Friends’.” We agree that the Beeb makes some great documentaries, but we also think it’s unlikely they’d hold the attention of those for whom the travails of Ross and Rachel hold great import. Maybe you’ve never heard of this phenomenon. You see, there was this television situation comedy about six people who lived in a shopping mall, and they all watched Seinfeld, but none of them really got it.

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