"Totally coup, yo."

Sonic BEAST: Volume 1

Jun

09

by

The “best” and worst musical commodities currently invading our brains

Legend:
★★★★★: Hey Ya!
★★★★: Irreplaceable
★★★: Hips Don’t Lie
★★: Moves Like Jagger
★: Tik Tok

Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe

I’ve heard a lot of praise for this song because it’s catchy. Well, in the words of Mom from “Futurama,” “so’s herpes!”.Yes, Zooey Deschanel’s non-Union Canadian equivalent has taken America by storm with a sickeningly cute jam about trying to get some hot dude she just met to give her a ring. In an era where there have been songs called “LOL :) ” and a number one hit called “OMG,” it’s sort of quaint to hear a song about having an actual conversation with someone. Unfortunately, this song tries a bit too hard to be “adorkable” for me to get much enjoyment out of it. With that said, if you’re a 25-year-old grad student who just sold something on Etsy for the first time, feel free to make this your anthem.

Rating: ★★

Maroon 5 featuring Wiz Khalifa – Payphone

Oh, come on now, who the fuck still uses payphones?! That minor quibble aside, the latest dispensable ditty from Maroon 5 is pleasant enough, even if I doubt anyone will be listening to it when October rolls around. It’s perfectly catchy, and Wiz’s verse matches the general inoffensiveness of the song. If you’ve only heard it on the radio, you’d might be surprised to learn that there’s a little bit of swearing in the song, as frontman Adam Levine rages that “all those fairy tales are full of shit” in the song’s chorus. Umm, nice attempt at being “edgy,” Adam, but you’d be a lot more believable if you didn’t plow a different supermodel every night. Still a decent tune, though.

Rating: ★★★

Justin Bieber – Boyfriend

Our second Canadian! As much I may have wanted to smack Bieber upside the head over the past few years, I tolerated him for one reason: he had the potential to be another Timberlake. Now, he’s fulfilled that promise, busting out of teenybopper purgatory, and making a slinky club jam that would’ve been right at home on Justified. The line about eating fondue is awkward, but other than that, this is a fully deserved hit, and it proves that no matter how much we may have been rooting for Bieber to turn into a Corey Haim-esque trainwreck making multiple rehab trips, I’m pretty sure this guy is going to be famous-for-the-right-reasons for awhile. [Just a reminder that I let Hugar write what he wants, because...goddamn. - IM]

Rating: ★★★★

One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful

The bad news: boy bands are back! The bad news: they’re making catchy power-pop tunes! Yes, the debut single from these seemingly-prepubescent-but-probably-pushing-20 English kids is a perfectly likeable song, a bit like Fountains Of Wayne but without the irony. Admittedly the line “you don’t know you’re beautiful/that’s what makes you beautiful” has the odd effect of basically saying that the subject is beautiful because she has low self-esteem, but that’s a minor gripe in an otherwise catchy number. If overly manufactured boy bands have to exist, at least they’re making songs I can tolerate.

Rating: ★★★

Karmin – Brokenhearted

Hey! Look! It’s a white girl rapping even though she has no flow whatsoever! Isn’t that just precious? This is the most nauseating example of someone trying too hard to be cute that I can think of. Makes “Call Me Maybe” sound like Bikini Kill.

Rating: ★

Yell at Hugar for his taste in music on Twitter.

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  • http://buffalobeast.com/?tag=caigoy-authors Mike C.

    Just so I understand this correctly: that shitstain, Bieber, is OK now because he sounds like that cumwad from ‘N Sync, who presumably became OK because he could “laugh at himself” on SNL, take up space in a few movies, and release an incredibly derivative honky R&B album in the most depressing era of music possibly ever.

    Maybe I’m just disoriented from the site’s inverted color palette, or otherwise tripping hard, but none of that adds up for me. Maybe at 30 I’m just too old and weird to adjust to such a rapidly declining culture.

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