CHICAGO (AB)–Researchers at the Institute of Incredibly Depressing Statistics (IIDS) have released a new and incredibly depressing statistic: 70% of republicans are unable to identify their own image in a mirror.
Study participants were asked to stand in a lineup, which included a houseplant, a cardboard cutout of Mel Torme, a bucket full of monkey spit and a large wheel of sharp cheddar cheese. IIDS scientists then presented the subjects with a wall-sized mirror and asked them to point at their own reflection. While 92% of registered democrats were easily able to point out their own reflection, a staggering majority of republicans and independents could not.
“Even by IIDS standards, these results are incredibly depressing,” says study director Dr. Carla Popper. “I’ve abandoned all hope for the future of our country.”
Of the 70% of registered republicans and independents incapable of identifying themselves in the mirror, half were split evenly between believing they were, in fact, the houseplant, the Mel Torme cutout, the bucket of monkey spit or the wheel of cheddar. The other half were evenly distributed between two groups: those who shouted angrily at the “Muslim son-of-a-bitch” mimicking them in the mirror and those who took eagerly to nibbling on the cheese. “We had one guy who actually drank the monkey spit, got into a fistfight with the cheese and then hid from the Torme cutout behind the houseplant,” says Popper. “He insisted that the Torme cutout was the ghost of FDR, and that it wanted to ‘fluoridate his brain bone’.”
Some say that this incredibly depressing statistic bodes well for the Republican Party’s chances in the coming midterm elections. Others say that they are probably now going to kill themselves.