By Sic McLovelorn, BEAST Relationship Expert
I was recently âfriendedâ by a stranger on Facebook. She is listed as single, lives in the same city as me, and looks cute, but our only mutual friend is a local DJ. I kind of want to get to know her better and maybe ask her out, but I donât know if the norms of Facebook allow that. Should I send her a message? â Entirely Too Lonely in Buffalo
Oh, I donât know, Entirely. Goddamn Facebook. Itâs nice that everybodyâs Grandma gets to see pictures of them getting sloshed at the club in between rows of tan cleavage, but on the downside you have to deal with postmodern dilemmas like this one. But you know what? Iâve heard of strangers linking up on the site before. Itâs definitely not normal, donât get me wrong, but if sheâs Cold-Friending you like that, sheâs probably at least half as crazy as you are.
So hereâs what Iâd recommend: Get drunk. Good and Drunk. Then, just to make sure all your bases are covered, put forty-five minutes into a rambling and semi-incoherent message to your most recent ex. Tell her all the reasons youâve suddenly realized it didnât work out between the two of you, but that youâre working on yourself, and that it would be âcoolâ to get together again sometime. Throw in some subtle innuendo towards the end thatâs not really as âsubtleâ as you drunkenly think it is.
Next, start up a message to your Cold Call Companion. Tell her that youâre not sure if youâve met but that she seems âcoolâ and that it would be âcoolâ to go check out this one DJ whoâs not exactly like (but IS exactly like) the DJ you both Like. And donât stop there. Specifically reference her most provocative tagged photo in a âsubtleâ way, and be sure to add a âsemi-colon-end parenthesisâ to really drive the point home. Pause for a moment as the imminent dread begins to set in but hit âSendâ before your conscience can chime in. Then delete your outbox for posterity and go to bed; youâre drunk!
Iâm in DC from out of town right now, slamming this girl at GW, but I have nothing to do while sheâs in class. â Extracurricular in the Capital
First of all, good work, Extra â not so much on the collegiate hook-up, but on your use of the term âslammingâ in this context. Iâm about to steal that and get a lot cooler. But, like, what do you have in mind? Are you looking for âsomethingâ or âsomeoneâ to do? You need to be more specific here, folks.
Iâm going to assume youâre referring to the latter and recommend that your first priority be making sure you know this girlâs schedule a couple days â or at least hours â out. Then hop onto your Contacts list or Facebook page and see if you know any other girls in town with whom youâve had unresolved frottage in the past. Be all like, âSup yo im in dc right now wat u up to the next few days/hours.â Then hop onto OkCupid and see if you can work something out there, too. Youâre in a 500K+ population city after all, and although the site is borderline useless for short-notice encounters in my own 250K-zone, you might have some last-minute luck in the nationâs capital. Maybe even head over to Ashley Madison, why not â it costs a little money to get started, and requires a lot more legwork before it pans out, but Iâd be so proud of you if you ended up âslammingâ some senatorâs wife while your Co-Ed was in ENG101.
Either way, devote the first few class-breaks to making some headway, and be sure to delete the browser cache anytime your Student Friend texts you on her way back towards the dorms. Hopefully youâll have a rendezvous lined up for the next time she heads over to the Student Union.
So there you go. If I misread this and you really were just looking for âsomethingâ to do, then get Good and Drunk and follow all the steps above. When your Academic Fuck Buddy gets home and youâre all sloshed and youâve actually just settled for Youporn in the waning afternoon, just be all like, âBabyâŚ no, Iâm not drunkâŚ no, fuuuuck you.â Then break something and leave.
For terrible dating advice, send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org