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Posts Tagged with Baseball


Hard Times For Baseball's One Percent

May 14th, 2012 by

As I mentioned in my haiku-themed MLB preview, baseball can often be nauseatingly predictable. We know what teams are going to win each year, and we know who’s going to suck. Admittedly, bad teams can eventually develop quality talent and become contenders, but that takes a while. Plus, they usually trade their best prospects to the Yankees or Red Sox before they can reach the playoffs anyway. (more…)

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Ozzie and Fidel: Bros for Life

April 16th, 2012 by

All offseason long, the Miami Marlins looked like a disaster waiting to happen. From their ultra-extravagant, ultra-expensive ballpark, to their roster that relies on a few star players, and not a great deal of depth, it seemed certain that things were going to blow up in their faces by the time July rolled around. (more…)

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All-Haiku Major League Baseball Preview!

March 30th, 2012 by

For that huge cross-section of baseball fans who like ancient Japanese poetry

Let’s face it, baseball is dull. To watch and to talk about. The only reason it’s so popular to begin with is because from June to September, it’s the only option. Then, football comes back, and we leave baseball behind, along with any harebrained idea that it’s still our “national pastime.” So, let’s spice things up a bit! Predicting baseball is sort of boring because it takes a while for a shitty team to become not shitty. As a result, we find ourselves with a lot of standings that look identical to the year before. How do we make that fun? With haiku! Of course. That’s right, it’s the 2012 All-Haiku MLB preview! (more…)

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The Piss Cup Caper

March 7th, 2012 by

Baseball star’s steroid-filled pee tossed out by arbitrator 

In the early 2000s, we found out that nearly every relevant baseball player of the 80s and 90s was on steroids. America collectively agreed that they were irredeemable pieces of shit for jamming drugs in their asses so that baseball would be something approaching entertaining. Granted, this had more to do with the fact that sports writers make their living obsessing over things most people don’t care about beyond the age of twelve. But we listened to them anyway. (more…)

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Never Forget 9/11…Hats

September 19th, 2011 by
We were so damn close. Somehow, America had made it through the entire 9/11 anniversary weekend without any bullshit controversy working hack writers into a furious storm of fake outrage.
At least that’s how it looked.
Then, Bud Selig had to come along and fuck it up for everyone. If you don’t know, Bud Selig is the second worst commissioner sports, just behind Gary “Let’s Give Boca Raton A Hockey Team” Bettman. In addition to being the least powerful-looking powerful man in America (seriously, look at the guy – he’s your sad creepy uncle who doesn’t have enough self-confidence to molest you), Selig is the guy who looked the other way when every player in the league was turning into a mutant steroid monster (not that I’m judging – if you want shrink your balls so you can hit more home runs, more power to you), then suddenly started caring after every crybaby sports journalist started complaining about records being tainted.
This time, however, Selig is in the news because of hats. No seriously, hats! Specifically, the FDNY hats that the Mets wanted to wear during their 9/11 game. Apparently, Selig was trying to capitalize on sentimentality with his own special commemorative super-patriotic, America-fuck-yeah hat for the occasion (which costs 37 fucking dollars, by the way), and the Mets were totally screwing over his deal. First he banned the hats, then when somebody wore one in the dugout, he had his hired goons actually come and take them. Sheesh – dude is a Karl Rove level control freak. Especially since they’re just fucking hats!
Now, was this the wrong thing to do? Of course! The most important lesson of Good PR is Never Fuck Up Anything 9/11-related. If there’s one thing we Americans love, it’s sentimentality. If you tell a team they can’t wear their *sniff* hats to *sniff* commemorate the *sniff, wipe away tear* heroes who *blow mucus into tissue* fought and *starts completely bawling* died that day, you’re going to look like a moron.
More importantly, you’re going to give material to a ton of self-aggrandizing journalists who want to let everyone now just horrified, shocked, mortified, disgusted, whatever “I’m morally superior to this asshole”-type word you want to use, they are. Rather than just take this story for the goofy mini-freak show it is, everyone is making into the greatest injustice in the history of the world.
Take ESPN’s Matt Rubin who, evidently thinks the Mets should have said “hat chance” to the when the hats were taken away. Seriously, that’s what it says. Now, I’m writing this piece for free. If that guy gets a six-figure salary, I’ll fucking shoot myself. More importantly, he paints the Mets locker room as some type of war room. The decision of whether or not to wear the hat is treated like they were thinking about deciding if they should drop the A-bomb. Mets player rep Josh Thole is treated like he’s making Sophie’s Choice. The whole thing is ridiculous beyond belief and shows no perspective whatsoever.
Rubin also argues that the Mets should’ve just worn the hats anyway even after Selig threatened them. Why? Why should players lose money just to make a symbolic gesture than won’t bring anyone back to life? I’m not even saying it isn’t a nice gesture. Shit, if I was a firefighter I might think it was cool. But why give up thousands of dollars so just to wear a different itchy thing on your head for three hours?
This story is the all-too-common example of someone doing something stupid, and the other side looking even more stupid by how much they over-react to it. At the end of the day, a hat is nothing more than a hat. Selig was a being a control freak, and a dick, but the controversy as a whole was nothing to write home about. Frankly, it would be nice if we just did away with hats entirely. After, Men Without hats certainly believed that philosophy, and “Safety Dance” is more entertaining than the Mets have been all year.

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig Launches Jihad Against America, Apple Pie, Your Mom

WE WERE SO DAMN CLOSE. Somehow, America had made it through the entire 9/11 anniversary weekend without any bullshit controversy working hack writers into a furious storm of fake outrage.

At least that’s how it looked. (more…)

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