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Posts Tagged with ÔBeastiesŐ

The Beasties: The Fighter

February 22nd, 2011 by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar-nominated films — the penultimate edition.

First 2 Minutes: Christian Bale is high on crack, because it’s 1993 and meth isn’t awesome yet, and being interviewed about what a dick he is. He’s affecting a Southie accent and berating the crew about how they got in his line of sight. His brother Marky Mark sits down next to him and feels the vibrations. They watch home movies in their minds. These words appear on the screen: “Based on a true story, which makes white people feel like they can succeed at sports.” (more…)

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The Beasties: True Grit

February 17th, 2011 by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar-nominated films—we’re doing all 10 nominated for Best Picture? Make it stop!


First 9 Minutes: An old lesbian’s voice-over about how Dick Cheney shot her father in a hunting “accident” and then stole his horse, and how, as a little girl, she set about avenging him…which spoils the entire movie. The flashback begins: The young lesbian haggles over the price of her father’s coffin, and belittles her grown, male slave, setting the racist tone of the film. She stumbles upon a public hanging; some douche whines about dying; another guy is just like, “Whatever. Fuck you;” and they don’t let the Indian talk. The little lesbo talks to the sheriff about where to procure an unabridged thesaurus and legal dictionary to help track down Cheney. She then sleeps in a coffin because the Super 8 has bed bugs. (more…)

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The Beasties: 127 Black Swan

February 16th, 2011 by

Despite all of the protests against it in the Middle East, we will be continuing with another installment of The BEASTIES. As a concession to the demonstrators demanding they cease immediately, this one will cover twice the normal amount of movie and will use far less effort to create. But this ongoing feature will not step down. The movie “reviews” will continue until morale improves: (more…)


The Beasties: Inception

February 13th, 2011 by

Timestamped review of the Best Picture-nominated film about the best way to break up a monopoly or dreams or whatever the fuck.

First 10 Minutes: Cobb is talking about memes and how people can take credit for someone else’s memes on Reddit in order to acquire karma. But there is a way to protect yourself, and that is why he is going door to door selling his virus protection software to a Japanese guy in a room with way too many lights. (more…)

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The BEASTIES: The Kids Are All Right

February 11th, 2011 by

Timestamped review of the Best Picture-nominated film about a failed fascist uprising of California teenagers.

OK, I have no idea what this movie is about, but I am very optimistic going in because they spelled “All right” using two words instead of one, so I won’t have to throw fits of rage about a spelling pet peeve right away. Also maybe that means it’s a dystopian sci-fi flick where everyone under 18 is a fascist.



The Beasties: The Social Network

February 8th, 2011 by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar nominated films, so you can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them.

Facebook is a social-networking website. You can sign up for it by logging into the world wide web and typing “http://www.facebook.com” into the address bar at the top. Remember, that’s facebook — all one word, all in lower-case letters. You will need a valid electronic mail “address” in order to create an “account,” which you can then use to stalk that girl who wouldn’t go to the dance with you in 8th grade because you were too “creepy” and “weird.” But now that you are a VERY SUCCESSFUL WRITER FOR THE INTERNET, she will doubtlessly throw herself at you and you can LAUGH and remind her of her cruelty as a 13 year old! It’s payback time! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (more…)


The Beasties: Winter's Bone

February 2nd, 2011 by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar nominated films, so you can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them.

“Movie, I’m going to have to ask you to pick up the pace already.”

I am looking forward to summarizing this because I have never seen Inuit porn before. Rule #34 is in effect.

First 5 Minutes
: Some survivalist woman named Ree is raising her two kids way out in the sticks somewhere. They go to a school which has been invaded by a local militia.

6-10 Minutes: The police arrive to stop the movie immediately since it is already way above the FCC’s prescribed maximum tedium levels. As punishment, he forces Ree to go find her father’s fortified compound in the woods or else she will lose the future.

11-15 Minutes: Meals on wheels arrives, which means it is time to teach the kids how to make “deer stew.” The next day, Ree tells one of her survivalist friends of her troubles and asks for some ammunition for her upcoming adventure but the local militia commander refuses her request due to an error in the paperwork.

Fugitive father-finding requests need to be filled out in triplicate, people!

16-19 Minutes: Basically the same thing happens again, but this time with weed and long walks in depressing settings. I guess this makes it more realistic because this is the Ozarks and they don’t have civilization or anything there.

20-24 Minutes: Ree arrives at Little Arthur’s and the same thing happens AGAIN. Protip for screenwriters: killing off Red Shirts is a much more effective way to elevate tension than stonewalling.

24-8 Minutes: The next house she walks to is also some of their inbred cousins. Ree organizes a sit-down strike, but since she’s the only one striking (Ree is not a very good organizer) it only lasts a few minutes before she bends the will of management and goes home. Once there, she is immediately kidnapped by a bearded used truck salesman.

29-32 Minutes: The truck salesman tells Ree that her father died in a bizarre gardening accident, and shows here the scene of the explosion to prove it – which, I might add was only like 2 miles down the road from her house. She probably passed it a few times on one of her many recent walks and could have saved herself and her “kin” a lot of trouble if she had bothered to just put the pieces together herself.

The audience is thrilled to see how the next walk will turn out.

33-6 Minutes: Ree doesn’t believe the hype, and then turns down an offer from the used truck salesman to steal the children and indoctrinate them in accordance with his customs. Instead she instructs them on the finer points of killing ATF agents. Then Ree’s friend comes over with a stolen truck so it’s time for a road trip. They pack Twizzlers.

37-41 Minutes: Their first stop is at a jam band session where one of the groupies gives them a lead on how to… Wait, what were they doing, again? Whatever, she soon goes back home and tortures some squirrels with the kids.

42-47 Minutes: Ree says no to both selling her land and to drugs, stares at her shoes, and asks the Log Lady from Twin Peaks for help. But the log won’t speak to her.

48-52 Minutes: A bounty hunter shows up to try to rev some life into the movie, asking Ree to maybe please just the one time kill her father. Ree decides to instead go to a slaughterhouse and deliver a sermon on behalf of PETA, but nobody can hear her because the cows moo too loudly.

53-58 Minutes: The Log Lady and her friends take Ree into a garage for some enhanced interrogation, redneck-style. One of the militia leaders from earlier (Teardrop) shows up to negotiate her release. They allow this on the condition that they both refrain from ending any word they speak with the letter G.

59-65 Minutes: Ree recovers from her enhanced interrogations and starts popping pills. She has a drug-induced dream about squirrels learning to use chainsaws and overthrowing their human masters, as hillbillies often do. We are now one hour into the movie and have yet to see this Dad / Jessup character who’s apparently very important to the plot.

66-71 Minutes: Ree tries to defect from her local militia to the federal government’s but they reject her because she is only 17 and cannot legally yet be contracted for any Inuit porn, which I’m sure is about to happen ANY MINUTE NOW. Teardrop takes Ree to a bar so she can stare at it while he drinks inside. Then he buys some weed from the mountain man version of Jay and Silent Bob and then re-enacts his favorite scene from The Big Lebowski.

72-76 Minutes: Another road trip, this time with Teardrop, is interrupted by the fuzz. It turns out that it was just the friendly neighborhood sheriff from the beginning, just checking in to make sure everyone in the car was armed with loaded rifles in compliance with the Americans Killin’ stuff Act of 2014, signed into law by President Mike Huckabee. Jessup is dead, maybe, or something, so I guess the movie will be ending very soon, if there’s a merciful and forgiving God, that is.

77-81 Minutes: Lots of incoherent mumbling, then some nice old ladies come by and offer to show Ree her father’s bones. The exciting climax of this movie is going to be a day in the life of the Dead Animals Department of a rural town’s Highway Agency. EXCITING!

82-89 Minutes: A walk and a canoe ride later, a group of women ask Ree if she wants to see a dead body. She does, so they take her to where they left Jessup’s corpse, which is in the impromptu underwater tomb where they worship him as a deity. Then they chop off one of his limbs so Ree can feed it to her little brother and sister.

90-95 Minutes: The bounty hunter returns to pay Ree for the human flesh she provided. Teardrop rocks out on the banjo and decides to follow Phish on tour. One of the kids tries to jam on banjo but she sucks. CREDITS.

Read the completely accurate review of Toy Story 3.


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The BEASTIES: Toy Story 3

January 25th, 2011 by

I’ve decided to give myself this project of writing up these timestamped reviews of movies nominated for best picture for the Oscars. This way readers can talk about them at parties without having to actually watch them. They are all guaranteed to be 100% accurate, so don’t bother fact-checking or anything. Think of these as Cliff’s Notes, except they’re for people with a fear of movies instead of the illiterate. You can trust me. (more…)


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