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BEASTcast 12: Joe Dixon

September 21st, 2011 by

BEASTcast episode 12: Joe Dixon (mp3)

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Joe Dixon is a BEAST contributor and stand-up comedian from NYC. He is also the host of Atheist Bible Study on YouTube. He will be performing at the Center For Inquiry’s Blasphemy Rights Day comedy night September 24 at CFI Transnational near the UB North Campus. We talk about comedy, religion, secular organizations, and why we should all kneel before Thor. (more…)

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Breakfast of Champions

September 19th, 2011 by

In the old economy, time was money. In the new economy, time is a lot less money. Our parents’ generation (well, the white ones anyway) earned nearly double what we do, for doing the same jobs. These depressing facts in mind, here are some time-savers that’ll help get you to your non-union job faster, and suck the life out of you more efficiently than ever!
Whether you’re starting a new job, or just had your hours reduced, it is always important to be punctual. One great way to save you time in the mornings is to have breakfast while sitting on the toilet.  The people of Great Neck, Long Island have made a recent tradition of “dining while dumping,” says Great Neck Village Tribal Leader David Albury. “The people of Great Neck, we all have a toilet in the living room,. We go to bathroom while we eat Crispix and listen to Morning Edition. We’ve been like this since two-thousand. It saves lot of  time,” said the former member of the middle class, as he got on the LIRR to head to his part-time security job on Wall Street, protecting the top one percent who actively rape us economically every day.
But you shouldn’t just Dine and Dump for breakfast. Many employees make sure to bring lunch from home and consume it in their companies rest room, like legal secretary Gwendolyn Rosemond. “My job graciously gives me a whole half hour for lunch so rather than waste my time standing in line to get food and then having to eat it quickly so I can get back to work, I just bring food from my house and eat it right in the ladies room,” she said from her favorite stall.
It’s not just bathroom hours that count when you’re saving time. Remember, when you’re working a job with no (or terrible) health benefits, no overtime pay, horrible hours and continuous threat of layoff  – while the business is making record-breaking profits — you want to work really hard to show your dedication to your employers.
One important point not to be forgotten is to avoid doing what you love. Being efficient requires that you to give up on outdated ideas like “dreams” or ‘hope.” If you have not gone home at the end of a work day hating your life, then you’re not really working. “Contemplating Suicide,” said the poet and full time waiter, Joseph Rocha, “is what makes life worth living.” Boredom, anger, and frustration are the key building blocks to productivity. These emotions are especially useful after your job cuts off all internet access. Work just goes faster when you hate every minute of it.
You should also be sure to keep your desk a clutter free zone. The best way to do this is to toss as many files into the trash as humanly possible. These files are just slowing you down and need to be destroyed. If the files are needed more than once you can always throw away the parts least likely to get you fired.  “When I destroy a file, I make sure to set small fires within the file room during fire drills. I figure, it keeps the Fire Marshall on his toes and it extends the time we get to be out of the office,” says an anonymous source, who’s been a temp worker at a Conde Nast publication for six years running.
And finally, you should cut back on socializing. Knowing the names or even the faces of co-workers uses up precious time best spent grinding away at things that will be very important in the future when you find yourself lying in some hospital somewhere waiting to die. Leave any conversation in the toilet where it belongs. If you find yourself trapped by a co-worker who wants to talk about things unrelated to work, like the weather or how you are doing this morning, be sure to report that person to the boss. Any sort of pleasantiries in the work place could lead to people discussing what they dislike about the job, which, if left unchecked could lead to horrible ideas like unionizing.

EATING ON THE TOILET AND OTHER WAYS TO MAXIMIZE PRODUCTIVITY

In the old economy, time was money. In the new economy, time is less money. Our parents’ generation (well, the white ones with penises, anyway) earned nearly double what we do, for doing the same jobs. These depressing facts in mind, here are some time-savers that’ll help get you to your non-union job faster, and suck the life out of you more efficiently than ever! (more…)

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Jobs of the Future

August 22nd, 2011 by
If you’re like me, you’re out of work. Or maybe you’re only half like me, and you’re working but it’s only part time. Or you’re only kind of like me because you are working full time but it’s a temp job which will, when it ends, make you like me. Or maybe you’re working full time, making good money and even have life insurance and a nice place to live. If that’s you, please kill yourself. I fucking hate you. I hate you and your mother is a whore. How do you like that, fuck face?
Anyway, for those of us who are NOT working or only sort of working, well, welcome to the new economy. Welcome to America for the foreseeable future.( http://www.rawstory.com/rawreplay/2011/07/krugman-proposed-debt-deal-will-cost-jobs-and-revenue/)
So what do you do? How do you handle a shitty job market? Especially if you went to college and are saddled with student loans because you borrowed money from that Sallie Mae (http://money.cnn.com/2011/08/01/news/economy/debt_ceiling_students/index.htm) bitch?
Well, you’re in luck. While the economy is horrible, jobs are being added. Good paying jobs. Here are few professions open to you, even if you didn’t go to college or graduate high school.
Become a Blackmailer: No, not a black male. Those jobs are awful. A blackmailer is someone who gets information on a person that is embarrassing or possibly criminal and for a small fee promises not to share that information with anyone else. Many people have secrets that they’d pay top dollar to keep secret. Some good targets for blackmail are gay men who operate gay raparation clinics while their wives are running for president (http://www.southfloridagaynews.com/news/politics/4188-bachmann-refuses-to-answer-questions-about-gay-conversion-therapy-.html). Closted Homosexuals in particuar  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_Hudson) but Christians in general (http://www.slate.com/id/2247861/) are always a good source for blackmail.
Do you have what it takes to become a blackmailer? Did you study journalism, law or any other area that requires dogged research? Having a background in IT so you know how to hack into people’s phones or computers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/News_International_phone_hacking_scandal) is also helpful.
There are many downsides to being a blackmailer. The trick to being successful in this profession is being able to tell who is more open to blackmail and who is not. In fact, in some cases, no blackmail has to take place. Some people have to just  be responsible for “no wrongdoing in the case whatsoever by anyone” (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A7578-2004Oct28.html) to get them to open their wallets. While others, can be more of a hard ass when it comes to throwing few bucks a guy’s way. (http://articles.nydailynews.com/2009-10-01/entertainment/17935059_1_david-letterman-cbs-news-producer-late-night)
Become a Meth Cook: Being a drug dealer is dangerous work involving long hours and not always good pay. However, actually creating people’s drug choice is another matter all together (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUsAfYSROKQ&NR=1) and Methamphetamine is a booming market (with the help of big pharma, no less) (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/meth/)! One of the best things about being a meth cook is you are never too old to give it a try. This is true even if you live in country where the people talk funny (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-08-03/73yo-charged-over-2412m-ice-bust/2822288/?site=sydney). Now, I know some might call it a drug problem but you should think of it as a drug opportunity.
Another point in Meth cooking’s favor is white guys like the drug (http://alcoholism.about.com/b/2007/01/30/the-typical-meth-user-may-surprise-you.htm). Which means, if you are a white guy yourself you probably know other white guys making for a customer base you have easy access to. If you’re not a white guy then here is your chance to screw over the white devil.  It’s win-win no matter how you look at it.
The down sides to Meth Cooking is pretty easy to avoid. For one thing, don’t piss off the guy you’re cooking for. You must also be sure to keep your nosey wife out of it. You should definitly not have a DEA agent for a brother-in-law and for fuck sakes, don’t partner up with a former student whose a druggie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlvOFVoI1SY) beyond those things, though, it’s easy living all the way.
Become a Panda Inseminator: No doubt many will be surprised that neither Prostitute nor Porn actor made the cut for jobs of the future. The reason for this is simple, nobody is going to pay to have sex with you. And even less people will pay to watch you have sex. However, everyone cares if pandas fuck (http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/no-new-panda-cub-for-zoo-this-year/2011/06/27/gIQAv5rRTI_story.html). Why not get a job jacking off a male Panda and putting it’s jizz up a female pandas kooch? If you’re a man, chances are you already know how to wrap your hands around a cock and pull it for all it’s worth. If you’re a woman you probably know how to give a hand job  and if you don’t then you clearly weren’t raised Muslim.
Probably the biggest downside to this job is not having to deal with Panda cum but running across a carton of ZenDon Vanilla Soy Milk in the super market and getting nauseous. (http://vitanetonline.com/Organic-Foods/95878-5/vitamins/SOYMILK-ORGANIC-VANILLA/)
Become a Pet assassin: Like most children, you probably dreamed of one day growing  up  and becoming a hit man for the mob like Richard Kuklinski (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Kuklinski). Sadly, though, those types of jobs are fewer and far between than they use to be unless you want to work for the government and live overseas (http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2010/04/07/assassinations). However, in the exciting emerging field of Pet Assassin you can make good money killing something while avoiding getting a passport and having to learn Arabic.
Assainating people’s pets is a step up from kidnapping them for ransom because many pets are mircochipped, making it easy to trace their whereabouts. A .22 between Scooby Doo’s eyes, though, makes mircochip technology irrelevent. Hey, wait a minute, why didn’t anybody try that in those stupid cartoons?
Anyway, the best place to look for customers is around 2am. Survey neighborhoods in well off areas that have pet runs. Listen out for any barking dogs. When you hear one, note what building  it’s coming from. The next day, hang around said building and ask if anyone “heard that dog last night?” Whoever complains the loudest about losing sleep is your customer. See how much she’ll pay so that Lassie doesn’t disturb her rest ever again.
Now that I think about it. You might also open up a side business dealing with car alarms. Nothing wrong in wacking a car alarm, I’m sure we can all agree.
Become a Naked Kal Penn: Are you famillar with the Naked Cowboy?
The Naked Cowboy is a guy named Robert John Burck who hangs around Times Square wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and two pairs of briefs. He performs for NYC tourist by struming a guitar and sing songs. He places said guaitar around his play area so as to give the impression that he’s naked. The folks from the flyover states eat this shit up and it has helped this dude make some good coin. Now, are you famillar with Kal Penn?
He’s the former Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Engagement whose actually more famous for being the doctor who kills himself on House. Although even more people may know him from this
Harold & Kumar Go Too Far
Apparently, he’s also been signed to appear as a recurring character on something called How I Met Your Mother, a show this author has never seen despite it featuring both Willow Rosenberg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willow_Rosenberg) and Doogie Howser, MD. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dougie_Howser)
In any case, there is a big demand for Kal Penn impersonators as anyone will tell you. And even more to see his backside.  So why not you? I’m mean impersonate him, not see his backside. You’re not of Indian ancestry, you say? Why let that stop you? That’s why they call it acting, stupid.
Noted comedian, Arj Barker has been wowing crowds for years doing his Naked Kal Penn routine.
Probably the biggest down side to becoming a Naked Kal Penn is being asked does the carpet match the butt cheeks?l

Promising career options you should definitely look into
by Joe Dixon

If you’re like me, you’re out of work. Or maybe you’re only half like me, and you work part time. Or you’re only kind of like me because you work full time — but it’s a temp job, which, when it ends, will make you like me.

Or maybe you’re working full time, making good money and even have life insurance and a nice place to live. If that’s you, I fucking hate you and your mother is a whore. How do you like that, fuck face? (more…)

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