Read The Article That A Subsidiary of ESPN Didn’t Think Was Good Enough!

A few weeks ago, Grantland began a contest to be their fantasy football writer. While I’m not much of a fantasy person (I won my league in 2010, but mostly because everyone else stopped paying attention), I thought I’d give it a try. Sadly, the results came in yesterday, of the 4000 entrants, I did not make the top 10. Thanks to the existence of alcohol, I’m not too broken up about this, but I figured since I did put some work into the column, why not put it out there and give people a chance to read it. If you’re unfamiliar with the rules, the instructions were to name your top 5 fantasy players and one sleeper. So, here’s my rejected entry into Grantland’s Fantasy Football Writer contest. Enjoy!

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God trades crappy players in mysterious ways

Our national nightmare is over. Peyton Manning has a new team, and Tim Tebow isn’t a starting quarterback anymore. Yes, the Denver Broncos gave Manning — who missed the entire 2011 season with a vagina neck injury — a massive 5-year $95 million contract, and sent the would-be messiah to the New York Jets to fill the role he was born to play: second fiddle to a quarterback who isn’t very good.

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New Orleans Saints plan football version of Death Race 2000

Hey, did you know that football players get paid large sums of money to beat the shit out of each other? I know! I was shocked, too! Oh, and get this, apparently hockey players get paid to fire a cylindrical bit of rubber at a net! Barbaric, right? (more…)

There are lots of numbers associated with football games. But what do they mean?

A lot was made of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow throwing for 316 yard in last week’s footsball game against the terminally unemployed steel-workers of Pittsburgh. You see, Tebow stood out from other quarterbacks for painting Bible verses on his face, a favorite of his being John 3:16. People imagined there was some connection between the number of yards Tebow threw for and the placement of one of the more important verses in Christianity within one of the later Gospels. (more…)

Super slow-mo video reveals God’s hand in Stevie Johnson’s last-second drop during the Bills heartbreaking loss to the Steelers.

Johnson responds:

And a nervous nation awaits an end to the supernatural feud.