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Posts Tagged with Hugar


It's Official: Everything About College Football Sucks

November 9th, 2011 by

Especially the “defensive coordinators fucking children” part

College football is easily the biggest trainwreck in sports. For one thing, it’s a system where rich, white Southern men get rich exploiting mostly black men who get no money for their services. It also has the godawful BCS system, ensuring the championship game will be picked by a computer, and the second a team loses one game, they’re season might as well be over. Also, it takes 4 goddamn hours to play a game because of that fucking stupid rule where the clock stops after a first down. To put it lightly, college football doesn’t have all that much going for it.

But hey, at least there’s never been a coach who went around fucking little kids or anything, right? Oh, wait…. (more…)

5 Comments

Did Last Night's South Park Have A Point?

November 3rd, 2011 by

Or was not having a point the point?

South Park isn’t exactly a model of consistency. Whereas Family Guy and The Simpsons can generally be divided into their respective “great”, “mediocre”, and “fucking awful” eras, South Park can land in any of those categories on a weekly basis. For every gem like the “Trapped In The Closet” episode (for which Tom Cruise sued them — just in case “What do South Park and The Beast have in common?” becomes a popular trivia question), we get a turd like “A Million Little Fibers”, where Matt and Trey apparently thought having Oprah’s vagina talk to her asshole would be funny for 22 minutes (if they had stopped at 5, they would’ve been right). (more…)

9 Comments

Family Guy Should Go Away

November 1st, 2011 by

We get it Seth, you like rape jokes

When it comes to TV comedies, I’m a pretty cheap date. Sure, I may prefer sophisticated material like classic Simpsons (which for me, is Seasons 2-9), or Community, but I’m more willing to slog my way through the monotonous mediocre muck of Two And A Half Men or Yes, Dear when I just need to go 30 minutes without thinking. As much as I like to pretend I have good taste in TV, I’ve probably kept a lot of shitty shows on the air over the years. (more…)

4 Comments

This World Series Is Gonna Suuuuuuuuuuuuuck

October 18th, 2011 by

X-Factor is getting pre-empted for this shit?!

What’s the only thing less inspiring than an Obama-Romney election? Why, a Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals World Series of course! Yes, that’s right; despite what watching ESPN may have led you to believe, there are baseball teams other than the Yankees and the Red Sox. There’s even something called the “National” league – where pitchers hit! What type of Bizarro world shit is that?! (more…)

3 Comments

Hank Williams, Jr. Saves Us From Hank Williams, Jr.

October 4th, 2011 by

All meine rowdy friends are here for the Third Reich

As a football fan, you put up with certain things. For example, I know football is the most popular sport, and therefore the most lucrative for advertisers, so I happily grin and bear the commercial cavalcade that comes flying at my brain every Sunday from 1 to 11:30. Additionally, I happily put up with the week before the Super Bowl when everyone uses the hype as an excuse to blame football for everything from capitalist greed to domestic violence to the sun going away at night. I do this because as a football fan, I truly believe the product being presented to me is worth all the bullshit that comes with it. (more…)

2 Comments

Me Want Basketball

September 26th, 2011 by

Down with worker rights!

The NBA season is supposed to start in five weeks, and I can’t take this shit anymore. The lockout started three months ago, and both sides persist in not getting anything done, and caring more about looking the good guys than whether or not anything actually gets done. It’s becoming very clear to me that neither side really cares if the season starts on time, and as someone who really enjoys watching muscular black men dribble on wood and put balls through holes, that really gets on my nerves. (more…)

4 Comments

We Like Michael Vick Because He Runs Fast

September 12th, 2011 by

And if Gaddafi could outrun a blitz, we’d like him too

BY JOHN HUGAR

After months of fretting that the NFL lockout would cancel football season, and cause the collapse of American civilization as we know it, it’s all been settled, and the 2011 regular season is under way. But while Bills fan are once again diluting themselves into thinking they actually have a shot at the playoffs, the rest of the pigskin world has a different concern; what to make of the Philadelphia Eagles’ herpes-ridden, dog-electrocuting, rape stand enthusiast Michael Vick.
The number of stories pointlessly pontificating about Vick has been ridiculous. From a glowing GQ profile that stopped just short of making him the second coming the Christ, and ESPN actually putting a white Michael Vick on their front page (which, even by their extreme publicity-whore standards, was moronic beyond belief), everyone wants to give the world their long, bloated opinion about Vick (including me, evidently).
Specifically, a ton of sportswriters want to let us know that it’s totally okay to like him now. He’s super-duper sorry about killing those dogs, and he double pinky swears he won’t do it again. Here’s the thing; I’m not judging those who want to root for Vick. With all the slaughtered animal carcasses I eat at McDonalds, I’d feel like a hypocrite if I did.
What bugs me all the useless attempts to moralize liking him. Look, we like the dude because he’s good at football. Period. The fact he can run fast is the only reason we’re even discussing this. I know this because when Vick first got out of the joint, he sucked beyond belief. He was useless even as a third-string quarterback, and he had all the mobility of Drew Bledsoe if he wore cement shoes. As a result, he existed quietly, and no one was writing bloated pieces letting us know just how tight Ron Mexico was with Jesus.
But now he’s playing well, and we want to enjoy it. The problem is, we feel bad about liking someone who brutally murders animals just because he’s good at his job. So we get these needless pieces about how Vick has changed. I’m not even saying he hasn’t. I don’t know the guy. I just don’t think it matters. Sports fans a long history of rooting for scumbags, why attempt to justify it now?
Just look at the Dallas Mavericks in this year’s NBA finals. Everyone was all-too-willing to forget that Jason Kidd, their washed-up starting point guard, is one of the most notorious wife beaters in sports. Why? Because everyone was too busy loathing the ultra-douchebaggery of Lebron James to remember or care.
The point is, if you’re a sports fan, and you want to root for a loathsome piece of shit, just do it. If you want to cheer for Vick, or Roethlisberger, or Kobe, or any other reviled sports villain, go ahead. Just don’t to justify it by telling me how different they are now. You’ll be a lot happier, and sports journalism will get a lot better.

After months of fretting that the NFL lockout would cancel football season, and cause the collapse of American civilization as we know it, it’s all been settled, and the 2011 regular season is under way. But while Bills fan are once again deluding themselves into thinking they actually have a shot at the playoffs, the rest of the pigskin world has a different concern: what to make of the Philadelphia Eagles’ herpes-ridden, dog-electrocuting, rape stand enthusiast Michael Vick. (more…)

5 Comments

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