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Posts Tagged with ‘Murphy’


Murphy’s Law: “Get out of jail free” edition

March 13th, 2013 by

Murphy-motion-appeal

“Hey, boss! I didn’t get any toilet paper.” The 2:30 – 3:30 lockdown is imminent. And so is potentially explosive mud-butt.

“Hold your horses,” says the guard, bolting through Echo block. “I’ll get you some.”

“Thanks! The booklet says…” I trail off. He’s gone. The booklet also says I should have a pillow. Nope.

“Lockdown!” he shouts. That’s our cue to gtfo of the common area–a little hallway between a long set of bars and our individual cells. The block’s split in half, with 10 or 12 cells on each side. There’s only 3 other dudes in my half.¬† I welcome the solitude. The two older dudes are chill, but the younger dude thinks he’s hard, or maybe he is hard. He keeps looking me up and down, wearing an indiscernible expression between “let’s fuck” and “let’s fight.” Maybe it’s both. Maybe I’m just hyper-aware of my asshole because I’ve been damning a river of shit for hours. He’s just trying to size me up, in all likelihood. I cut my own hair last night. Hopefully, it gives off that dangerous-mental-patient vibe I was going for. And Judge Joe Brown does the rest. (more…)

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Murphy’s Law: $5,000 bail edition

March 6th, 2013 by

“Bang on that window again, motherfucker, and see what the fuck happens!” the bald cop barks at me.

“But–but,” I turn to my new cellmates, incredulous. “you–he just let me in here to piss! My bail’s been paid!”

“Watch them process you all over again,” one guy jokes–says. “They don’t give a shit.”

Fear washes over me. I was locked in this room six hours ago–the first in a series of seemingly arbitrary cages the pigs herd you through at the Erie County Holding Center. I’d been bussed here with eleven other dudes from the courthouse across the street, handcuffed to a black kid who looked like he was about fourteen. But I can never tell how old black people are. Or how tall they are. I find professional basketball incredibly confusing. (more…)

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The 50 Most Loathsome Americans

February 12th, 2013 by

NOW WITH 90% MORE COPY-EDITING!

50) Aaron Sorkin
Charges: Won’t stop writing like Aaron Sorkin. More Sorkin with each Sorkin. Like that scene in Being John Malkovich, every Sorkin character is a Sorkin-headed Sorkin shrieking, “Sorkin!” in coked-up, Asperger-esque Sorkinese–speed-walking through saccharine, ahistoric morality plays in which triangulation evokes lofty scores, social change is effected solely by limousine liberals, and hackneyed drama is typically measured in rainfall.
Smoking Gun: “The Newsroom.”
Sentence: His fresh cup of Chris Matthews’s spittle secretly replaced with Folgers crystals.¬†Will he Sorkin the Sorkin?!

49) Jim Lehrer
Charges: The PBS Punching Bag, the Denver Dodderer, the Moderating Mute came out of semi-retirement only to spare Obama the title of “most incompetent performance in a debate,” and play Rihanna to Romney’s Chris Brown. The king of NewsHour’s horrendous phony balance coverage, it’s no surprise that his toughest question was meant to determine if the candidates were, in fact, two different people.
Smoking Gun: “…”
Sentence: An eternity of brunches with Charlie Rose.

48) Chris Brown
Charges: Aggravated assault. The Todd Akin of pop stars. Twitter, Halloween, Frank Ocean, something, something. I just can’t bring myself to care about this half-talented jerk.
Smoking Gun: Battered woman neck tattoo.
Sentence: A fatal case of Bieber Fever.

47) Rihanna
Charges: Guuuuuuuuuurl?! Worst role model for girls since Batter-Me-Barbie. Not technically American.
Smoking Gun: See above.
Sentence: Stockholm Syndrome, apparently.

46) Peggy Noonan
Charges: As the Journal‘s postmenopausal Carrie Bradshaw, the full depth of her political analysis is that “America doesn’t date losers.” Tied to Romney big-money advisor Paul Singer (who pushed Ryan onto the ticket) through the Manhattan Institute, her call for a campaign “intervention” was but a brief, self-serving departure from being wrong about everything, always. Terrible writer. Unbearably pretentious.
Smoking Gun: “The GOP still practices primogeniture, but much else has changed in politics.”
Sentence: Chief speechwriter for Clint Eastwood’s Barcalounger. (more…)

110 Comments

Breaking: men want to fuck teenage girls

October 21st, 2012 by

Reddit, perverts, free speech, privacy, toughtcrime, misogytrolling‚ĄĘ, and my own personal ignorance all wrapped up in an article that’s way too long for anyone to read…which is probably for the best

 

Let’s start with one of my favorite tunes. “Smut” by Tom Lehrer:

Okay then. Time to make myself a moral pariah. Again.

Interesting expos√© by Gawker’s Adrian Chen is interesting. Since you’re on Internet, I presume you’ve read it. But, anyway, it’s about one Michael Brutsch. He lives in Texas. Has Had some shitty job. Just a normal guy who likes to anonymously¬†propagate jack-off pics — up-skirts, ripped Facebook bikini shots, etc. — of unwitting underage girls on the Reddit. He’s also into “Niggerjailbait” and “rapebait” stuff. He’s the Internet’s most prolific peddler of taboo.¬†Well, he used to be, before Chen outed him.

Now we’re left with a truly interesting debate on exploitation, smut, free speech, sexuality, anonymity…heavy ethical shit. (more…)

20 Comments


WaPo Hack Terrorizes Washington!

September 29th, 2012 by

Cillizza, seen here, destroying decency

The Washington Post’s Chris Cillizza has a problem. He’s the type who unironically referred to Bush’s plan to let Wall Street pillage Social Security as ‚Äúreform.‚ÄĚ He now¬†says¬†that Paul Ryan’s mission to replace Medicare with coupons-of-lesser-value is a ‚Äúplan to reinvigorate‚ÄĚ the program. On MSNBC, he said the probably-won’t-be Veep’s now-infamous slew of RNC lies were merely facts ‚Äúout of context.‚ÄĚ All the tragic, familiar signs are there. Hell, even his blog is called The Fix. Like so many poor souls of his lost journalistic generation, Chris Cillizza is addicted to bullshit.¬† (more…)

6 Comments

Open Letter to Torture Apologist Sam Harris

August 10th, 2012 by

Harris, seen here, working on his next book

Dear Torture Apologist Sam Harris,

You rarely cease to amaze. For a man who coldly advocates the brutal physical and psychological torture of others, you demonstrate a remarkable level of¬†cowardice when confronted with the slightest written criticism. As if fully incapable of sensing irony, you describe my critique of your pro-torture stance as “poisonous,” and ramble on for over 2,200 words, hiding behind this disingenuous excuse and that, about why you don’t have the time to effectively respond to such “attacks.” Impressive. (more…)

21 Comments

Nick Judd: President of Technology

June 19th, 2012 by

Personal Democracy and Our Brutally Stupid Meatspace

 

So Nick Judd, The One & True President of Technology Whom I’ve Never Heard of Before (PBUH), posted a response to my article about the Personal Democracy Forum last week called “Fake David Koch, #PDF12 and the New Gullibility“.¬†I wasn’t going to respond to his response, but I heard you like critiques of your critiques, so here you go: (more…)

4 Comments

See ALL The Evil!

June 14th, 2012 by

Evil, Kittehs Abound at #PDF12

Evil shaves its head because it’s balding “gracefully.” Evil lacks principles.¬†Evil tweets with a Mac. Evil is competent.¬†Evil is well paid. Evil has a¬†complexion like Edward James Olmos. Evil might even believe some of its own bullshit. Evil sat next to me during a panel on Wisconsin at the¬†Personal Democracy Forum. Evil’s the online media¬†strategist for the Republican Governors Association. Evil is named Matthew Gagnon. (more…)

6 Comments

PEOPLE: TOO STUPID TO LIVE

June 9th, 2012 by

Unlimited money buys unlimited dumb in Wisconsin and elsewhere

“Dateline NBC” once offered a group of children a breakfast choice: a banana or a rock with a Scooby-Doo sticker on it. Almost all of them chose the rock. Last Tuesday, Wisconsin chose the rock. (more…)

14 Comments

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