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Posts Tagged with ‘Murphy’

Pol Dancing in Wisconsin

June 4th, 2012 by

Scott Fitzgerald Gives a Stripper a Ride?

UPDATE 9:35 pm: PROBABLY MAYBE MIGHT BE NOT! More info below original post.

Scott Fitzgerald, the Republican Senator who’s represented the 13th district since ’94, is facing a tough recall election tomorrow against Democratic opponent Lori Compas. So it’s too bad for him that a confidential source just emailed me some highly interesting photos.


Murphy’s Law XII

May 31st, 2012 by

The Verdict

We bump into four of the six jurors in the lobby of the courthouse. “So why’d you do it?” asks Fallon.

“We just couldn’t get over how that one guy was ‘disgusted,’” says the young UB cog sci major.¬Ļ They never considered the NOM rally a “religious service.” They didn’t believe Donna Donovan. They didn’t believe Roland Cercone. They didn’t believe the Mount Olive security guard. And they didn’t believe Swanson. But they did believe Josh Bunting.

“But you don’t know what that guy thought!” Fallon marbled. “Maybe he liked it — he wasn’t here!”

They shrug.

“You know,” I say. “They originally charged me with filming the police — and they changed it, three months later, to obscenity after they found the dildo-phone pic online.”

They shrug.

“And they erased my camera.”

A glimmer of understanding comes over the foreman — a Born Again Skeletor look-a-like — and then he says, “So, you work at CFI, huh? I work near there.” He scowls. Or smiles. There’s literally no way to know.



Murphy's Law XI

May 31st, 2012 by

Closing Arguments, Conspiracy Theories, Hot Dogs & Heart Burn

1:00 PM — Fallon and I are sitting on a bench in downtown Buffalo. It’s an incestuous ghost town. There’s not many people on the streets, but they all seem to know each other. Most of them are wearing some¬†bureaucratic lanyard or another.¬†They’re all stakeholders in this repugnant perversion of justice. I eat a hot dog. (more…)


Murphy's Law X

May 30th, 2012 by

The Case of The Viking, The Post-Op Transsexual, and The Chinese McDonald’s

‚ÄúMay I remind you, Mr. Fallon, that your client is entitled to a speedy trial.‚ÄĚ
-Judge Susan M. Eagan

‚ÄúA ‘speedy trial’ means he was¬†supposed to be entitled¬†to a trial soon after being falsely accused! It doesn’t mean we should rush through this thing like it’s a goddamn Chinese McDonald’s!‚ÄĚ
-Attorney Paul Fallon

Susan Eagan is a political appointee who breezed into incumbency. She knows who she works for. And she doesn’t know much else. She’s the former president of a Christian homeschooling association, for example. Before the jury comes out, she brings the lawyers back to her chambers to scold Fallon for rolling his eyes at her. That was his highly disciplined response to being told not to question witnesses so thoroughly. (more…)


Murphy's Law IX

May 25th, 2012 by

May His Noodly Appendage Land You in Jail (and other tragedies)

PREFACE:¬†The following was written after midnight on Wednesday May 23, but I failed to post it…it gets a little crazy and spiteful, as you’ll see. Then I fell a few days behind in reporting the latest news because of family obligations. While I already know the ultimate outcome, I’m going to post this, and the final two installments of “Murphy’s Law” in chronological order. Due to no one giving a shit (thanks for coming to support me in court, assholes), I have a monopoly on this news, so deal with it. And if you do know the verdict, as a few of you out there do, I’d please ask you to refrain from mentioning it on social media or in the comments. Sorry, but I want people to read these essays, you know? Thanks.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 23, 2012, THE YEAR OF OUR LORD — So Judge Eagan says that if I’m sworn in over a can of spaghetti I’ll go to jail for contempt of court. Only real fake religions are allowed. That’s the bad news. The good news is that…there’s no good news. (more…)


Murphy's Law VIII

May 21st, 2012 by

Cop lies under oath, though says she arrested me for legal activities, and claims she thought our camera might have been a gun. Seriously. A gun!

“The straw that broke the camel’s back was that he called us ‘assholes.’”
-Arresting officer Donna Donovan

“Is that illegal?”
-My lawyer, Paul Fallon

-Donovan (more…)


Murphy's Law VII: Jury Selection and Shit-Water

May 16th, 2012 by

Jury selection is like playing poker for your freedom. And before I get into all that, I should say hello to the jurors. Hello! The judge explicitly told you not to visit The BEAST, so I presume that’s exactly what most of you are going to do. It’s kind of like that time my buddy told me never to Google “Goatse”. I also do not recommend that. But you’re probably curious about that now, too, so…I told you! Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I’m going to pretend like you fine, and very reasonable, people are not reading this. Otherwise, I’m going to keep talking about how I live with and care for my disabled mother. It’s true. I’m a good person. I prepare all her meals, do all the household chores, and have generally sacrificed my well-being for hers. No shit. I also used to roam the streets of Buffalo at night handing out sandwiches to homeless people. Sometimes I even let them crash at my place. And let’s not forget that time I saved a kitten from certain death. I’ll stop now. Sorry. See how polite I am! Seriously, though, I’m done…but, by the way, you looked amazing today! Have you been working out? It shows!



Lies, Damn Dirty Lies, and Scott Walker's Job Numbers

May 16th, 2012 by

Wisconsin Governor’s Pants Burst into Flames, Thousands Missing

Wisconsin’s job record is the worst in the nation. Scott Walker’s tried to obscure that fact with¬†cheap slogans like “Wisconsin Is Open For Business” and “It’s working.”¬†¬†Apparently, it’s not working well enough, so he’s graduated from bad public relations to pulling an Enron on Wisconsin’s labor statistics. According to Rick Ungar at Forbes: (more…)


Murphy's Law VI

May 14th, 2012 by

BEAST Editor’s Trial Begins Wednesday, May 16th

The first thing I’m going to do in jail is break a dude’s face. Just wreck it. Savage dentistry. Picasso nose.¬†Blood fountain. According to MSNBC’s horrific weekend programming, that’s what I need to do to gain respect. And it probably won’t hurt to constantly mumble to myself about wanting to “get my knife wet.” But prison won’t be all bad. Right? Many fine books have been written in the clink. Maybe I’ll finally quit smoking and get in shape. Or maybe I’ll get shived from behind and bleed out on the shower floor. (more…)


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