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Posts Tagged with politics

Bill Maher & the Evangelical Left

May 29th, 2013 by

This article originally appeared at the Progressive.

New Rule: Maher must blow the Baby Jesus if he’s going to keep preaching Democratic magic

It’s absolutely horrific. Although the single, “I wanna bang you,” is debatably the most convincing argument for nuclear holocaust to date, I’m not referring to the release of Paris Hilton’s second album. Vastly more terrifying than the Auto-tuned caterwauling of a vapid hotel heiress is the degree to which political affiliation and base tribalism warps our very perception of reality.

For instance, a recent study published by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences demonstrated that self-identified conservatives were far less likely to purchase energy-efficient compact fluorescent lightbulbs if a sticker on the package read: “Protect the environment.” And, in the real world, Obama-era liberals have repeatedly supported policies they once reviled only because the sticker on the box read: “Hope and Change.” (more…)


The Definitive 2013 Guide to the 2016 Republican Presidential Frontrunners, Part II

April 1st, 2013 by

The Horrific Speculation Continues!

(Read Part I here.)

Chris Christie

First Republican Governor of New Jersey since 1988. “Tough-talking” and vulgar in the cathartic way that sad, white, middle-aged men generally respond to. Currently falling out of fashion with some GOP hardliners for conceding that a debate about gun control should at least exist. Also not-well liked because he seemed to genuinely enjoy working alongside the Commander in Chief following Hurricane Sandy. Like many middle-aged men, he will go out of his way to profess his taste in music. Being from Jersey, Christie has a love for Springsteen (he weeped like a child after receiving a post-Sandy hug from The Boss). He’s apparently never listened to the lyrics of a single Springsteen song. He’s also very fat. (more…)


The Definitive 2013 Guide to the 2016 Republican Presidential Frontrunners, Part I

March 21st, 2013 by



After nearly four years of watching an estimated $6 billion shat away in what we were told would (once again) be The Most Important Election in Human History™, an increasingly impoverished American populace turned out an estimated  57.5% of eligible voters to select one of two guys to be president.

With President Obama now safely at the helm for four more years of Democratic Party-led warfare and austerity, we’ve all returned to our regularly scheduled apathy. Yet, like Christmas, election season seems to come earlier and earlier each cycle. Therefore, to keep you ahead of the curve, here’s a rundown to many of the GOP’s so-called presidential frontrunners who’ll plague our television screens and Facebook feeds for the next four years. (more…)


1st rule of debate club: don’t bring notes to debate club

October 5th, 2012 by

You’re not allowed to bring notes to a debate, but Mitt Romney does what Mitt Romney wants:

And that’s why he’d be an excellent president.

UPDATE: People are saying that it’s a handkerchief, but it looks pretty damn stiff to me, and there’s no definitive proof one way or the other.


UPDATE-UPDATE: The mystery object in question was, in fact, neither a handkerchief, nor a cheat-sheet; it was Obama’s Kenyan ghost father! We sincerely regret the error.

I’m on the Twitter



My First Election As A Cynic

June 18th, 2012 by

Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Admit That It’s All Bullshit

The 2012 election will be the sixth presidential election of my lifetime, and the third one I’ve actually given a shit about. In 1992, I was barely sentient, having absolutely no idea that Bush had just lost, or that his son would eventually bring the world just shy of complete destruction. In 1996, I wanted Clinton to win, but only because my mom said he was better than the other guy. It’s kind of like how she roots for the Memphis Grizzlies even though she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about basketball. She knows I like them, and that’s that. 2000 was pretty much the same. I knew that the monkey-faced Republican who stole the election was a bad dude, but I had no clue why. Those years, I was just too young. (more…)


Green Around The Edges

May 14th, 2012 by

Green Party “Debate” Between Jill Stein and Roseanne Barr, Reviewed

I didn’t plan on watching the Green presidential debate on Saturday night but when I saw a link get tweeted to a stream of it, I figured it would at least be worth putting on in the background in case Roseanne Barr did something crazy. (more…)


Life is Pretty Swell

March 2nd, 2012 by

A Pro-Life BEAST Editorial

Unless you were cloned in a lab, a series of highly improbable events led to your birth. Millions of sperm rushed to fertilize an egg inside your mother’s body. Only one of those would lead to your birth. And against all odds, fetal development continued until you were born. Unlike most pregnancies, your’s wasn’t terminated by natural causes, resulting in what we call a miscarriage. Just being able to take those first few breaths of air after birth is an opportunity so unlikely that it makes winning the lottery seem plausible. Me, I appreciate having beaten those odds. I embrace being alive.

Others don’t. Or at least, they can’t. They can’t because they’re dead. Dead like Andrew Breitbart. (more…)


Fuck You, Dave Mustaine

February 17th, 2012 by

BEAST Metal Geek is Mad

Like many suburban white kids who don’t get to be part of the popular clique, I acquired a taste for heavy metal in my high school years. There were plenty of metal bands I was (and still am) into — Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Metallica, Slayer, etc. — but the band I identified with the most was Megadeth. The pissed off ravings of Dave Mustaine really spoke to me. Whether he was rallying against the negative influence of religion on “Holy Wars…The Punishment Due,” or the military industrial complex on “Hangar 18,” I understood what he was saying, and as someone who was new to being a bleeding heart liberal, it felt like it mattered.

Mustaine, seen here, being a douche

Now, however, all that is gone forever. In recent years, Mustaine had shifted to the right a little bit, becoming a born-again Christian, and his last album had a song called “We The People” which seemed to just be a straight up endorsement of the Tea Party.

This was disconcerting, but nothing to get too worked up about. Now, however, Mustaine has truly gone often the deep end, endorsing Rick Santorum for President. Rick Fucking Santorum?! Are you shitting me, dude?! The most vile, racist, homophobic piece of shit in a race crawling with them? That’s just fucking low.

It wouldn’t have shocked me too much if he had endorsed Ron Paul. Mustaine seems like the kind of guy who screams about liberty in a way where you’re not completely sure what he’s talking about. But no, my heavy metal hero had to go all the way into the deep end, endorsing the absolute worst of the worst.

Why does this matter, you ask? After all, as Chuck Klosterman pointed out, it’s not like this is going to actually help Santorum. It’s because this a complete betrayal of everything I thought Dave Mustaine stood for. He seemed like a crusader for the little guy, someone who actually cared about the outcasts of the world. Not in a sloganeering sort of way like Lady Gaga, but in a way that was actually relatable. If he thinks a man who wants to treat gay people as less than human should be president, however, then I know that was all a lie.

Additionally, so many of Mustaine’s classic lyrics seem like utter bullshit now. Like the aforementioned “Holy Wars…” Its opening line spoke against “killing for religion, something I don’t understand.” So wait, killing for religion is wrong, but justifying hatred on the basis of religion is fine? And in “Hangar 18,” he delivers the immortal line “military intelligence/two words combined that can’t make sense,” but he’s cool with a President who wants to bomb the fuck out of Iran as soon as possible? Both those lyrics came from the Rust In Peace album, which Megadeth was performing in its entirety as recently as 2010. Why sing that shit if you clearly don’t believe it, Dave?

So yeah, I’ve loved Dave Mustaine and Megadeth for a long time, but now, he can fuck off. In the immortal words of the Simpsons’ Jimbo Jones, “You’ve changed, man! I don’t believe in nuthin’ no more, I’m goin’ to law school!”

UPDATE: Apparently, Dave saw how pissed everyone was getting about this, and released a statement on Megadeth.com saying that he never truly endorsed Santorum. This feels like blatant backpeddling, though. His exact words were “I’m hoping that if it does come down to it, we’ll see a Republican in the White House next year … and that it’s Rick Santorum.” Even if he didn’t actually use the word “endorse,” it doesn’t matter. That quote is practically the definition of an endorsement. Just like Metallica can’t undo the damage they did to Mustaine’s psyche when they kicked him out, Mustaine can’t undo this dumbassery.



Republican Math!

February 11th, 2012 by



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