"Totally coup, yo."

Posts Tagged with ‘politics’


39 Things Obama Could Do To Get My Vote

November 7th, 2011 by

One year from today, Americans and Mormons alike will line up at the polls to cast their votes for who will be the next king of the playground. I didn’t vote for Obama last time because I am a racist who only votes for Arab-Americans like Ralph Nader (besides, to be totally honest, I prefer the Trial By Stone method of appointing political leaders as portrayed by the Skeksis in The Dark Crystal).¬†And I don’t plan on voting for Obama again next year. But this could change.

 John McCain (right), shortly before his banishment

Since I know the President reads all of our posts and commits them to memory like most other people on Earth, I will now inform him of 39 things he can do over the course of the next year in the interests of both earning my vote and of general awesomeness.

  1. Start wearing a cape.
  2. Grow an Afro.
  3. Make The Avengers real.
  4. Replace hands with hand-shaped chainsaws.
  5. Sign an executive order mandating that one night a week, Bill O’Reilly’s TV show must only air footage of O’Reilly trying to fit his fist in his mouth.
  6. Stop the war on drugs.
  7. Follow @BfloBEAST on Twitter.
  8. And then re-tweet ALL the things!
  9. Start every sentence with “In accordance with The Prophecy…”
  10. Angrily refuse to answer any questions about The Prophecy.
  11. Tell my boss to fuck off during the State of the Union address, at the end in between the now obligatory reassuring lies “The state of our union is strong” and “Thank you, and may God continue to bless America.”
  12. Wipe all the snow off my car right before I get out of work all winter.
  13. New appointment: Attorney General Glenn Greenwald.
  14. Go BASE-jumping in secret just to try to piss in Nancy Grace’s mouth.
  15. Dress up as a pirate on a random Tuesday and when people ask about it, act like you don’t know what they’re talking about.
  16. Cut the military budget in half.
  17. Split the money saved from #16 between NASA and the NSF.
  18. Answer the next “Why” question at a press conference with “Because FUCK YOU, that’s why.”
  19. Order the National Guard to follow Nickelback on tour, just to freak them out. Both of them.
  20. Murder Andrew Breitbart with a predator drone.
  21. Then outlaw drone assassination of US citizens.
  22. Stop doing that sideways pointing thing he does.
  23. Punch Jay Leno in his stupid prick face.
  24. Get the birther thing started again by pushing for an amendment to the Constitution which nullifies the requirement that the President must be a natural-born citizen. It’s an idiotic rule anyway, and the conspiracy nuts are too much fun.
  25. Strap a camera to your head and livestream everything you do for a day.
  26. Sexually harass Herman Cain using a stick of pepperoni and at least 3 types of cheese.
  27. Order Mike Tyson to train his pigeons to pick the pockets of hedge fund managers on Wall Street.
  28. Release the invisibility cloaks along with all other technology the government received from the aliens and has since been hiding away in a vault to the public.
  29. Make the Pentagon invisible.
  30. Presidents can too make things invisible. It’s in the CONSTITUTION.
  31. Change the National Anthem to either What Is Hip? or any song from the Black Dynamite soundtrack.
  32. Find my car keys.
  33. Abolish the death penalty for all crimes except for driving 5 or more miles per hour under the speed limit in the passing lane.
  34. Sell Idaho to the Canadians.
  35. Forget that, trade it for Vancouver.
  36. Sell Arizona to the Mexicans.
  37. Challenge Rick Perry to a duel. At dawn. At “Niggerhead.” Call him ‘yellow’ when he declines.
  38. Stop pestering us about your boyfriend Jesus.
  39. Use the find/replace function on your speeches to change “Republicans” to “jive turkeys.”

8 Comments

A Day on the Twitter with Bryan Fischer

September 10th, 2011 by

Mark Twain said, “A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” This makes no fucking sense because truth is a quality of a statement which describes its factual accuracy and isn’t a human being which might wear shoes. But he might have been trying to point out how easily it is to make false statements and misrepresent the truth compared to the effort required to correct the lies. (more…)

2 Comments

Let's beat up on Ron Paul

August 23rd, 2011 by

Ron Paul fans should be careful what they wish for


Last week on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart did a segment on how the media’s been conspicuously avoiding coverage of the Quixotic Presidential campaign of Ron Paul. His supporters loved it, probably hoping that more coverage of Paul would mean more people getting on board with his campaign. But more coverage means more coverage of his crazier positions too, and there are a lot of them.

During the 2008 Republican candidate “debates” (they’re kind of like debates in that people in suits stand at lecterns), the candidates were asked to raise their hands if they believed in evolution. Most of the candidates did so, including Ron Paul. Then John McCain said something goofy about how he helped Jesus dig the Grand Canyon, or something like that. Shortly afterwards, a video showed up on the internet of Paul telling a much smaller, conservative Christian audience that he doesn’t believe in evolution:

(more…)

17 Comments

Atheist Group Sues Telephone Pole

August 2nd, 2011 by

“Looks like a cross,” say some

ROCHESTER, NY–The secular advocacy group North American Atheists has filed suit against a telephone pole on the grounds that it “violates the separation of church and state.” NAA President David Goldman says, “It looks a Christian cross and it’s on government property. Case closed.”

When asked why the atheist group decided to sue the pole itself rather than the telephone company or the state, he replied, “Grrrr! It will pay!” (more…)

3 Comments


BEASTcast 10: Bunting/Murphy

May 30th, 2011 by

BEASTcast episode 10: Bunting/Murphy (mp3)

In this Very Special BEASTcast, I talk to BEAST editor-in-chief Ian Murphy about his recent run for Congress to represent the 26th District of New York. We all know that it is illegal to make fun of thin-skinned local television personalities, but is it still illegal when an editor of a satirical website does it? Did Murphy break into his opponent’s phone bank in order to obtain incriminating evidence? And what’s up with escalating the war in Indochina to Cambodia and Laos? These questions and many more will be answered.

Music is by Pigface and is used with permission.

You can subscribe to the BEASTcast by using this link in iTunes or any other podcast subscription software.

4 Comments

BEASTcast 6: Marcy Wheeler

May 16th, 2011 by

BEASTcast episode 6: Marcy Wheeler (mp3)

Here is an interview with Marcy Wheeler. She is the author of Anatomy of Deceit: How the Bush Administration Used the Media to Sell the Iraq War and Out a Spy. She blogs at FireDogLake about legal and foreign policy issues. We talk about the President’s new policy of extrajudicial paramilitary strikes. We also explore the extent of Marc Thiessen’s dickishness.

Music is by Pigface and is used with permission.

You can subscribe to the BEASTcast by using this link in iTunes or any other podcast subscription software.

Comments Off

Tranny-Gate!

March 26th, 2011 by

Transsexual jumps on local pol

I’m in an odd position. I’m a reporter, but I’m also running for political office‚ÄĒthe U.S. House of Representatives. I have so much dirt on myself and I can’t do a thing with it! Lurid sex, drug use, subversive activities…all prime rib to a reporter; all poison to a politician. But I’ve already written on those topics. There’s no new news there. As a recent BEAST commenter wrote, I’m the only candidate who’s scandal-proof. Or so I thought. (more…)

25 Comments

The BEAST's Most Heinous Climate Villains, 2010

December 11th, 2010 by
BY MIKE RODDY & IAN MURPHY

(This article was published originally by Alternet.)

This was the hottest decade on record and 2010 has been the hottest year on record. Extreme weather and starvation are increasing on every continent, as beetles devour our forests and jellyfish begin to rule the sea. MIT and the Met Office Hadley Centre predict a business as usual 6 degree Celsius surface warming by 2100, and more than that over land. Climatologists call this being “screwed.” Response from the oil and coal people? Bend over. What follows is a list of people who just don’t get it, are handsomely rewarded not to get it, or both. (more…)

11 Comments

The Rent is Exceedingly Pricey

November 19th, 2010 by

JIMMY MCMILLAN on his 2012 Presidential Bid, Sarah Palin and the Tea Party, a possible cage death-match with Chuck Norris, space aliens in the VA, breakfast-lunch-and-dinner, drinking his own urine and something about the price of shelter in a BEASTCLUSIVE Interview.


McMillan:kjgkjg
McMillan: “So what’s wrong with drinking your own urine? You see, you were told it’s no good; you believe it’s no good. Don’t you believe that.”

B: If you had to choose, what’s the most important meal of the day: breakfast, lunch or dinner?

JM: Hahaha! Both‚ÄĒall three! But you need breakfast. Breakfast is key. That’s what I’m having right now. You may not eat dinner, but the breakfast is very important because your body shut down at night when you go to sleep. If you don’t sleep at night, whatever time you wake up will be breakfast. You need to put that in your body, so your body can function and all that. (more…)

1 Comment

  • Archives