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Posts Tagged with ÔSportsÕ

Fuck The Lakers

August 13th, 2012 by

Especially Kobe. But really, fuck all of them.

A rare moment of Howard not trying to get a coach fired

If we had to pick the most maddening team in all of the four major sports, I’m guessing it would come down to a virtual tie between the Yankees and the Lakers. Both teams win constantly, primarily because they spend money left and right, usually so they can take the best players from other, less fortunate teams. I can easily see hating either team, but I became a Yankees fan when I was 6, and there’s no turning back now. At least not until Jeter retires.

But the Lakers? They really burn my cannoli. After two “off” years in which they only made it to the second round of the playoffs, everyone’s least favorite NBA franchise reloaded in grand fashion this summer. First they added Steve Nash, who is somehow still one of the league’s best point guards despite being almost 40. Because turning the most likeable guy in the league over to the dark side wasn’t enough, the Lakers also added the league’s best center, Dwight Howard. Combining Nash and Howard with Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol gives the Lakers an extremely potent stating lineup, and puts them among the favorites to win the title next season. Just like always. (more…)


Why The Heat Will Lose Big Again

June 12th, 2012 by

2012 NBA Finals Preview

At the beginning of the NBA season, I predicted that the Miami Heat would win the NBA title. In fact, I even went as far as to say that it was inevitable, and that all we could do is search for whatever silver linings we could find in that otherwise depressing outcome.

So, now that the Heat are actually in the NBA finals, why do I expect them to lose?

Because, as it turns out, this team is way more flawed that I initially noticed. For one thing, they really aren’t all that deep. Sure, they have two superstars in Lebron James and Dwyane Wade, and another very good player in Chris Bosh, but what is there after that? A bunch of washed up dudes who are only good at hitting threes (Mike Miller, Shane Battier, James Jones), and a pack of below average centers with no offensive skills whatsoever (Joel Anthony, Ronny Turiaf, Dexter Pittman). For all their flash, the Heat just don’t have a lot of substance.

In contrast, the Oklahoma City Thunder are a far better constructed team. They have a Big Three of their own in Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden, and they also have a lot of quality players beyond that. Power forward Serge Ibaka led the league in blocks, and many thought he deserved Defensive Player Of The Year honors more than the eventual winner, Knicks center Tyson Chandler. The combination of Ibaka and Kendrick Perkins, who has always been known for his defensive prowess, gives the Thunder one of the toughest front courts to score on in the league. Considering that many of the Heat’s playoff victories came from Lebron’s ability to score at will, they could be in some serious trouble.

And really, Lebron is their only hope. Yes, Wade is a great player, too, and he won a title in 2006, but anyone who views the situation realistically can tell you that Lebron is the Heat’s best player, and he should be their leader. As good as Durant is, Lebron is probably still a little bit better at this point. If he is able to thoroughly outplay Durant, it could make up the Heat’s lack of depth and catapult them to victory.

That, however, does not seem very likely. Let’s not forget who we’re talking about here. For all of Lebron’s raw talent and athleticism, he has an odd tendency to struggle in clutch situations. When the pressure is on, he panics, often deferring to Wade, or even a role player like Mario Chalmers. Last year he choked against a Mavericks team that wasn’t even close to the talent level of the Thunder. Admittedly, he’s had several big fourth quarters in these playoffs, so he may be improving in this regard. Still, going against a team as strong as the Thunder, it’s not hard to picture him falling into old habits.

Which is why for all of Lebron’s skill, and as powerful as the Heat’s Big Three can be, they will most likely lose in the finals for a second straight year. Kevin Durant’s leadership and lights out shooting will carry the Thunder to their first title, and we’ll have another year to make fun of Lebron’s inability to take charge when it really matters. Won’t that be nice?

The pick: Thunder in 5

Tell Hugar he can’t jump on Twitter


Boxing: An Even Bigger Joke Than We Thought

June 10th, 2012 by

At least the WWE admits that it’s fake…


I give zero fucks — flying or otherwise — about boxing. Every major fight, I try to get into it, but the whole thing just bores the hell out of me. Yes, this is coming from someone who will publicly admit to liking NASCAR. You can say all you want about how it’s an art or a science, but really it’s just two dudes punching the shit out of each other. And that can only be entertaining for so long. (more…)


Hard Times For Baseball's One Percent

May 14th, 2012 by

As I mentioned in my haiku-themed MLB preview, baseball can often be nauseatingly predictable. We know what teams are going to win each year, and we know who’s going to suck. Admittedly, bad teams can eventually develop quality talent and become contenders, but that takes a while. Plus, they usually trade their best prospects to the Yankees or Red Sox before they can reach the playoffs anyway. (more…)

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The NBA's 5 Least Valuable Players

April 23rd, 2012 by

It’s a list. You like lists.

The NBA season is coming to an end, and this year’s MVP race is fairly boring. It’s basically between Lebron James and Kevin Durant, with the deciding factor being whether or not voters will overlook how much they personally hate Lebron and admit that he’s the best player in the league. But the race for the league’s worst player? That’s way more exciting! Tons of players were horrendous this year. This column honors them, the 5 most worthless players in the NBA. (more…)


Ozzie and Fidel: Bros for Life

April 16th, 2012 by

All offseason long, the Miami Marlins looked like a disaster waiting to happen. From their ultra-extravagant, ultra-expensive ballpark, to their roster that relies on a few star players, and not a great deal of depth, it seemed certain that things were going to blow up in their faces by the time July rolled around. (more…)


All-Haiku Major League Baseball Preview!

March 30th, 2012 by

For that huge cross-section of baseball fans who like ancient Japanese poetry

Let’s face it, baseball is dull. To watch and to talk about. The only reason it’s so popular to begin with is because from June to September, it’s the only option. Then, football comes back, and we leave baseball behind, along with any harebrained idea that it’s still our “national pastime.” So, let’s spice things up a bit! Predicting baseball is sort of boring because it takes a while for a shitty team to become not shitty. As a result, we find ourselves with a lot of standings that look identical to the year before. How do we make that fun? With haiku! Of course. That’s right, it’s the 2012 All-Haiku MLB preview! (more…)


The Passion of the Tebow

March 23rd, 2012 by

God trades crappy players in mysterious ways

Our national nightmare is over. Peyton Manning has a new team, and Tim Tebow isn’t a starting quarterback anymore. Yes, the Denver Broncos gave Manning — who missed the entire 2011 season with a vagina neck injury — a massive 5-year $95 million contract, and sent the would-be messiah to the New York Jets to fill the role he was born to play: second fiddle to a quarterback who isn’t very good.



Will Kobe Bryant Ever Die?!

March 20th, 2012 by

If you read the NBA preview I wrote around Christmastime, you know that things aren’t going very well for me. I was right about the Celtics and Mavs taking a step back, and wrong about… everything else. The Clippers aren’t a title contender — they have the players, but their coach is awful, Derrick Rose isn’t winning another MVP, and the Spurs are not going to miss the playoffs. Yeah, I was way off on that last one. Eh, blame it on post-lockout confusion. Please? (more…)


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