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Posts Tagged with ÔSportsÕ


Breaking News: Football Is Violent

March 8th, 2012 by

New Orleans Saints plan football version of Death Race 2000

Hey, did you know that football players get paid large sums of money to beat the shit out of each other? I know! I was shocked, too! Oh, and get this, apparently hockey players get paid to fire a cylindrical bit of rubber at a net! Barbaric, right? (more…)

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The Piss Cup Caper

March 7th, 2012 by

Baseball star’s steroid-filled pee tossed out by arbitrator 

In the early 2000s, we found out that nearly every relevant baseball player of the 80s and 90s was on steroids. America collectively agreed that they were irredeemable pieces of shit for jamming drugs in their asses so that baseball would be something approaching entertaining. Granted, this had more to do with the fact that sports writers make their living obsessing over things most people don’t care about beyond the age of twelve. But we listened to them anyway. (more…)

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Capitalism! Overeating! Madonna! Oh, and football.

February 2nd, 2012 by

The Beast Super Bowl preview!


Before I give you my take on this year’s Super Bowl, there’s one thing you should know: my opinions will be completely biased. I’m a diehard Patriots fan, and this Sunday there’s nothing I’d like to see more than the Pats ripping the Giants to shreds, while Eli Manning sobs on the sideline in disgrace like the over-hyped, less-talented sibling that he is, therefore making up for the crime against humanity that happened 4 years ago, when the Giants somehow managed to beat the Pats, which still stands as the single worst day of my life. (more…)

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Worst Basketball Team Ever?

January 18th, 2012 by

Washington Wizards cast powerful sucking spell

This past June, Washington Wizards fans had a fair amount to be excited about. They had a young potential superstar in John Wall, they were finally getting rid of the godawful uniforms that had plagued them for 15 years and were going back to the much cooler old school Bullets colors, and they had drafted Jan Vesely, a so-called “dunking ninja” from the Czech Republic who had tons of athleticism, and wasn’t exactly shy about PDA. Maybe they weren’t a playoff team, but they appeared to be well on the right track. (more…)

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In Which We Jump On the Tebow-Bashing Bandwagon

January 15th, 2012 by

There are lots of numbers associated with football games. But what do they mean?

A lot was made of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow throwing for 316 yard in last week’s footsball game against the terminally unemployed steel-workers of Pittsburgh. You see, Tebow stood out from other quarterbacks for painting Bible verses on his face, a favorite of his being John 3:16. People imagined there was some connection between the number of yards Tebow threw for and the placement of one of the more important verses in Christianity within one of the later Gospels. (more…)

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Coping With the Heat

January 3rd, 2012 by

How to Deal With Miami Heat Dominance

We’re a week into this shortened NBA season, and already the Miami Heat look un-fucking-stoppable. After getting bloody revenge against the Mavericks on Christmas day (sidenote: that team looks awful), they plowed through a rapidly aging Celtics team, and just this past Sunday, they slaughtered the Bobcats by 39 points – and that was when Lebron was having an off day! (more…)

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5 Things To Expect From The NBA Season

December 22nd, 2011 by

It’s a sports list. You like lists. You like sports.

The NBA lockout is resolved, so much like Moe Syzlak, I can put off my holiday suicide for another year. But what about the season we’re going to get? Last year’s season was one of the most enjoyable seasons in NBA history. That it ended with Miami’s cabal of evil getting humiliated, while Lebron James froze in the headlights like a slightly more pathetic Bambi, was just the icing on the steak. It’s unknown if this season will be as fun, but here’s a few things to expect from the 2012 NBA season. (more…)

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The War On Nickelback

November 17th, 2011 by

Thanksgiving uprising thwarted, but spirits still high

Nickelback isn’t just a shitty band, they’re the shitty band. When you think of plodding uninspired garbage that symbolizes the absolute death of modern rock music, they’re the band that first comes to mind. Sure, there’s plenty of other bands stinking up the joint, but Nickelback is the face of the movement, and the Hinders and Theory of a Deadmans of the world are merely their tepid co-conspirators. (more…)

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This World Series Is Gonna Suuuuuuuuuuuuuck

October 18th, 2011 by

X-Factor is getting pre-empted for this shit?!

What’s the only thing less inspiring than an Obama-Romney election? Why, a Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals World Series of course! Yes, that’s right; despite what watching ESPN may have led you to believe, there are baseball teams other than the Yankees and the Red Sox. There’s even something called the “National” league – where pitchers hit! What type of Bizarro world shit is that?! (more…)

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Me Want Basketball

September 26th, 2011 by

Down with worker rights!

The NBA season is supposed to start in five weeks, and I can’t take this shit anymore. The lockout started three months ago, and both sides persist in not getting anything done, and caring more about looking the good guys than whether or not anything actually gets done. It’s becoming very clear to me that neither side really cares if the season starts on time, and as someone who really enjoys watching muscular black men dribble on wood and put balls through holes, that really gets on my nerves. (more…)

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