It’s a list. You like lists.
Theoretically, there shouldn’t have been too many horrible songs this year. Ke$ha didn’t make an album, for one, and mavens of mediocrity Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and Carrie Underwood all mercifully declined to release new music this year. But like evolution and gravity, this is just a theory.
The reality is far harsher, for in America, shitty pop music always reigns supreme. Speaking of which, we did get a new Toby Keith album this year. Amazingly, none of the singles sucked quite enough to make this list, but it still sucked, thus keeping a proud American tradition alive. Okay, then without further ado, I present to you the five worst songs of 2011.
5. Chris Brown – Look At Me Now
When Chris Brown spent 2009 letting us know just how bad he felt about beating Rihanna to a bloody pulp, we rightfully ignored him. When he recorded the most obnoxious ode to odious douchebaggery in recent history, we…immediately took him back. Anyway, here Brown gets his braggadocio on, letting us know that there are plenty of young models totally willing to fellate a woman-beater because he’s “gettin’ paper.” There’s also a slight chance they’ll land a mildly offensive ad deal with Covergirl.
At one point Brown remarks, “While we’re talking about my dick/how ’bout all you haters say hi to it.” Well, Chris, while we’re talking about dicks, do you remember John Wayne Bobbit? Wait, he’s in porn now. Never mind. Why does society reward these people?!
Anyway, not even a Busta Rhymes cameo can save this lazy, sonar-inspired Casio beats abortion. In fact, putting a dude who can spit alongside Brown gives his lyrical flow the distinct feel of a babbling infant.
4. Hot Chelle Rae – Tonight, Tonight
Ladies and gentleman, Hoobastank is back! That’s right, there’s another horribly bland band making music for 12 year-old girls whose only characteristic worth mentioning is their godawful name. Anyway, this song fails at just about everything — whiny vocals, painfully repetitive chorus, and wretched lyrics. Here’s an entire section of the song:
It’s been a really really messed up week
Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter
And my girlfriend went and cheated on me
She’s a California dime but it’s time for me to quit her
That’s fucking deep, bra! When you’re opening for Sugar Ray at a Bat Mitzvah next year, tell Mark McGrath he sucks. But when he retorts, “Takes one to know one,” you will have heard the bitter truth.
3. P!nk – Fuckin’ Perfect
P!nk continues to be one of the most insufferable people in music. It’s not that she’s so much worse than everyone else, it’s that she thinks she’s better. She releases mediocre dreck, and pretends it’s special. Like her song “Stupid Girls” — where she decided that “OMG, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are whores” was a profound feminist statement.
This time around, P!nk decides to be the spokesperson for every poor tortured soul in the country, telling them that it’s, like, totally gonna be alright. See, if you want to kill yourself because you have no money, you get abused on a regular basis, or maybe you just aren’t very good anything, this straight, rich, white woman who hasn’t had a problem since she was 9 totally thinks it’ll be okay!
This is one of the worst trends in pop music — the generic, heavy-handed self-help anthem. You’re a firework! You’re fuckin’ perfect! You were born this way! (I only left that off the list because the chorus is catchy.) It’s all a load of insincere bullshit, done in the hopes that clinically depressed teens will buy the records, and perhaps mention them in their suicide notes.
When P!nk moves into her new Italian villa, we’ll know that her plan worked fuckin’ perfectly.
2. Christina Perri – Jar Of Hearts
I’m cheating here; this song was released in late 2010. But it doesn’t matter, 2011 was the year in which it annoyed me. More importantly, this aggression against good taste will not stand, man! The song is a breakup ballad that desperately wants to be meaningful, but comes off as nothing more than melodramatic garbage. It’s painful how overdone everything is, she wants to sound like she’s leading the revolution against Mubarak or Gadhafi when, really, she’s just telling a guy to fuck off. This is the song’s actual chorus:
And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me, who do you think you are?
Wait, I thought he was just some asshole who cheated on you; you’re telling me he keeps people’s hearts in jars?! Call the fucking police! How could you not report this? You’re worse than Joe Paterno! Also, you can catch a cold from ice in your soul?! What a fantastic discovery! The Creation museum makes more sense than the lyrics to this song.
1. LMFAO -Party Rock Anthem
Douche-rock: it’s not just for Ke$ha anymore! Everything about this song is obnoxious, anti-intellectual and seems like it exists for the sole purpose of trying to piss you off. Basically, it’s as palatable as what would come out of a Kardashian Centipede if you fed it Taco Bell. The most stunning thing here? One of these two wastes of space is Berry Gordy’s son. That’s right, Sean Lennon, and Jakob Dylan! You’re totally off the hook.
I’ll admit that at 3am, while drunk off your ass, this song is probably fun [It's not. -Ed.], but in the harsh light of day, it’s nothing more than an ode to idiocy. It aspires to be escapist, but instead it’s the exact opposite — a painful, chilling reminder of just how many dumb people are alive and breeding.
We’re all doomed.