"Totally coup, yo."

The 5 Worst Songs of 2011

Dec

21

by

It’s a list. You like lists.

Theoretically, there shouldn’t have been too many horrible songs this year. Ke$ha didn’t make an album, for one, and mavens of mediocrity Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and Carrie Underwood all mercifully declined to release new music this year. But like evolution and gravity, this is just a theory.

The reality is far harsher, for in America, shitty pop music always reigns supreme. Speaking of which, we did get a new Toby Keith album this year. Amazingly, none of the singles sucked quite enough to make this list, but it still sucked, thus keeping a proud American tradition alive. Okay, then without further ado, I present to you the five worst songs of 2011.

5. Chris Brown – Look At Me Now

When Chris Brown spent 2009 letting us know just how bad he felt about beating Rihanna to a bloody pulp, we rightfully ignored him. When he recorded the most obnoxious ode to odious douchebaggery in recent history, we…immediately took him back. Anyway, here Brown gets his braggadocio on, letting us know that there are plenty of young models totally willing to fellate a woman-beater because he’s “gettin’ paper.” There’s also a slight chance they’ll land a mildly offensive ad deal with Covergirl.

At one point Brown remarks, “While we’re talking about my dick/how ’bout all you haters say hi to it.” Well, Chris, while we’re talking about dicks, do you remember John Wayne Bobbit? Wait, he’s in porn now. Never mind. Why does society reward these people?!

Anyway, not even a Busta Rhymes cameo can save this lazy, sonar-inspired Casio beats abortion. In fact, putting a dude who can spit alongside Brown gives his lyrical flow the distinct feel of a babbling infant.

4. Hot Chelle Rae – Tonight, Tonight

Ladies and gentleman, Hoobastank is back! That’s right, there’s another horribly bland band making music for 12 year-old girls whose only characteristic worth mentioning is their godawful name. Anyway, this song fails at just about everything — whiny vocals, painfully repetitive chorus, and wretched lyrics. Here’s an entire section of the song:
It’s been a really really messed up week
Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter
And my girlfriend went and cheated on me
She’s a California dime but it’s time for me to quit her

4 out of 5 will punch something after looking at this picture

That’s fucking deep, bra! When you’re opening for Sugar Ray at a Bat Mitzvah next year, tell Mark McGrath he sucks. But when he retorts, “Takes one to know one,” you will have heard the bitter truth.

3. P!nk – Fuckin’ Perfect

P!nk continues to be one of the most insufferable people in music. It’s not that she’s so much worse than everyone else, it’s that she thinks she’s better. She releases mediocre dreck, and pretends it’s special. Like her song “Stupid Girls” — where she decided that “OMG, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are whores” was a profound feminist statement.

It’s kind of like this

This time around, P!nk decides to be the spokesperson for every poor tortured soul in the country, telling them that it’s, like, totally gonna be alright. See, if you want to kill yourself because you have no money, you get abused on a regular basis, or maybe you just aren’t very good anything, this straight, rich, white woman who hasn’t had a problem since she was 9 totally thinks it’ll be okay!

This is one of the worst trends in pop music — the generic, heavy-handed self-help anthem. You’re a firework! You’re fuckin’ perfect! You were born this way! (I only left that off the list because the chorus is catchy.) It’s all a load of insincere bullshit, done in the hopes that clinically depressed teens will buy the records, and perhaps mention them in their suicide notes.

When P!nk moves into her new Italian villa, we’ll know that her plan worked fuckin’ perfectly.

2. Christina Perri – Jar Of Hearts

I’m cheating here; this song was released in late 2010. But it doesn’t matter, 2011 was the year in which it annoyed me. More importantly, this aggression against good taste will not stand, man! The song is a breakup ballad that desperately wants to be meaningful, but comes off as nothing more than melodramatic garbage. It’s painful how overdone everything is, she wants to sound like she’s leading the revolution against Mubarak or Gadhafi when, really, she’s just telling a guy to fuck off. This is the song’s actual chorus:
And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me, who do you think you are?

Perri: too sad for a shirt

Wait, I thought he was just some asshole who cheated on you; you’re telling me he keeps people’s hearts in jars?! Call the fucking police! How could you not report this? You’re worse than Joe Paterno! Also, you can catch a cold from ice in your soul?! What a fantastic discovery! The Creation museum makes more sense than the lyrics to this song.

1. LMFAO -Party Rock Anthem

Douche-rock: it’s not just for Ke$ha anymore! Everything about this song is obnoxious, anti-intellectual and seems like it exists for the sole purpose of trying to piss you off. Basically, it’s as palatable as what would come out of a Kardashian Centipede if you fed it Taco Bell. The most stunning thing here? One of these two wastes of space is Berry Gordy’s son. That’s right, Sean Lennon, and Jakob Dylan! You’re totally off the hook.

This is what came up when we Googled LMFAO

I’ll admit that at 3am, while drunk off your ass, this song is probably fun [It's not. -Ed.], but in the harsh light of day, it’s nothing more than an ode to idiocy. It aspires to be escapist, but instead it’s the exact opposite — a painful, chilling reminder of just how many dumb people are alive and breeding.

We’re all doomed.

______________________________


  • Beast_Fan

    But–but–Party Rock Anthem has one of the most important social statements of our generation: “Stop, hatin’ is bad.” Unbelievably profound. I’d never thought about it like that before…

  • Ben

    “soul purpose”?

  • admin

    ^^^ lol. derp. ^^^

  • matt

    Thank you for 3. I have been trying to articulate what it was I disliked about P!nk

  • Mike C.

    Wow, I’ve never heard any of those songs.

    For once, something is as it should be.

    I’ve been totally insulated from popular music and radio by the ten continuous years of music on my iPod.

  • Maldoror

    I think both of the LMFAO guys are related to Barry Gordy. Don’t ask me how I know that. But, yes, that group is all kinds of godawful.

    Surprising that nothing by Skrillex made the list. He’s seriously one of the worst (and douchiest looking) producers I’ve ever heard, and unfortunately people think his music is “dubstep.” So now, what used to be a pretty exciting underground genre from the UK will be forever associated in the minds of Americans with gimmicky screechy “drops” for drunk bros to throw it down to.

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ John Hugar

    I’ll never get how Skrillex used to be the singer from From First To Last. Dude was the whiniest, mopiest, emo-iest of them all. And suddenly he makes house music? The fuck….

  • Neo

    @johnhugar first of all all feel free to keep those borrowed opinions to yourself. while skrilly does tend to overuse effects and the majority of his songs are the exact same, true dubheads appreciate his contribution tp the american electronic scene. moreover, most of his songs aren’t defined as house music. next time you’re reading youtube comments, know that they’re only opinions people have, generally stupid opinions by stupid people.
    if you want to get into an argument about what’s true dubstep and what isn’t, then you’re probably a douche. there is more electro music out there than any of you will ever hear. just because an artist isn’t popular doesn’t make them great. likewise, simply because an artist is famous, doesn’t mean they suck. have your own opinions rather than struggling between choosing counter-culture or pop-culture.
    @baffalobeast this article was great. popular music in america tends to be nothing but an ode to stupidity. the record execs tell the ‘artist’ or whoever is writing the ‘artist’ song what to write about, as the artist is usually too far removed from reality to make any music relative to real world people. that’s the key: making music relative. that’s how records are sold. this tells us a couple of things about america: 1. as a whole, we are retarded. that’s why retarded music is so appealing. 2. cash rules everything around me. not only was that the basis for a wu-tang clan song, it’s pretty much a fact of life.
    that’s why i bump immortal technique, dead prez, and wu-tang when i listen to rap (which isn’t often). their lyrics relate to my issues and those of our country as well.

  • Bonnie

    John Wayne Bobbitt is a union man now. I am not sure which one but it is a trade union in WNY. I don’t know if he does porn anymore.

    Popular music sucks. It gets worse every year, I wonder if some of these idiots are trying to have a song that’s so bad that in 5 years they will Get rich because it is So bad.

  • RobThomas

    Barry Gordy’s son Rockwell did the early 80′s hit, “Somebody’s watching me”. Not exactly brilliant, in fact, Michael Jackson’s hook is all that really saves it, but it’s a far cry better than the uber infantile Party Trainwreck Anthem. So, at least Gordy’s freeloading offspring used to try. Today they’re just LMFAO at all of us, and all the way to the bank.

  • Maldoror

    @ Neo

    “true dubheads appreciate his contribution tp the american electronic scene”

    Are you sure about that? I can probably find at least 50 threads dedicated to Skrillex hate on Dubstepforums

    “if you want to get into an argument about what’s true dubstep and what isn’t, then you’re probably a douche. there is more electro music out there than any of you will ever hear. just because an artist isn’t popular doesn’t make them great. likewise, simply because an artist is famous, doesn’t mean they suck. ”

    Sure, but Skrillex’s music is just as stupid and infantile as the stuff you’re talking about later in your post: “1. as a whole, we are retarded. that’s why retarded music is so appealing.”

    That’s why Skrillex is appealing. It’s dance music for meatheads.
    I wouldn’t be so bitter about it if a few of the originators of that sound actually got some exposure in the U.S.A. – Skream and Benga, maybe even some Burial, are accessible enough that with the right promotion they could have made it.

    But what’s really irking me is that if I say I like dubstep, I mean this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIWM0qO_cKA

    but if I say that people will think I mean that I like this bullshit:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reHGIYHAR2Q

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ John Hugar

    The real irony of Neo’s post is that he calls me a douche for apparently not being knowledgeable enough about dubstep (note: I’ll completely own up to being shit-ignorant of the genre), while praising the “great” (his words, not mine) article. Apparently not realizing I wrote it.

  • Maldoror

    I actually kind of like that Chris Brown song. I just wish it was a Busta Rhymes song with two different rappers that don’t suck. Pharoahe Monch and Aceyalone would be beasts over that beat, and would probably put Busta to shame even.

    Fat chance I’ll ever hear either of those rappers on a mainstream tune these days, though.

    Do you follow Big Ghost Chronicles? (the blog by that guy who pretends to be Ghostface Killah)

    He had some pretty hilarious shit to say about “Breezy”:
    http://bigghostnahmean.blogspot.com/2011/06/whats-beef-chris-breezy-brown-edition.html
    http://bigghostnahmean.blogspot.com/2011/07/ayo-this-is-my-public-apology-to-chris.html

  • Neo

    @maldoror yes, skrillex does have heaps of hate thrown on him daily. so does THEBEAST. what’s your point? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lr0eURWCEqM&feature=fvst

    i like artist like Sadhu, Skrubz, Sine Here, Zenji, Kastra, Widelows, and a host of others. i’m not going to claim to be the authority on dub, but i have over 3,000 electro/dub/bass songs in my music library, and that’s after i deleted about the same number. there are countless sub-genres of bass music, and i find myself liking a new style or artist everyday. my point is, i’m a little fed up with the anti-bro fad that’s sweeping the genre. skrillex’s music makes people happy, if you don’t like it, don’t listen to it. there’s no reason to post a forum about it. if i posted a forum about every artist or band i didn’t like, not only would i be a massive wanker, but it would take me years.
    rather than bashing producers, people should share the music the like and let everyone’s library get fat with awesome. but no, we find it more appeasing to fill these threads and comment sections with hate.
    people tend to bash ukf dubstep just as often as they do skrillex, while forgetting they were among the originators of the modern bass genre.
    to wrap this up, i’ll leave you with a song someone i follow on youtube recently posted, i like it

    if that isn’t hard enough for your taste, try some darkstep

    and if you have a system, this song may well blow your mind (caution, turn the bass down on system before hitting play)

    • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

      @Neo – Really? We get hate on a daily basis?

      Also these comments are making me nostalgic for back in the day when I used to argue about music this much. But back then we didn’t have the YouTubes to help provide examples. And we didn’t have no “dubstep” back then, either! We had The Orb, which was kind of like dub – actual dub music, as in something close to reggae with less structure – except more spacey and ambient. Of course then I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.

  • Neo

    oh, and johnny boy, notice the “if” and “probably” in the douche statement. clearly you didn’t want to engage in an argument. that pretty much invalidates the douche. way to try to make yourself seem smart though :)

  • Neo

    point missed.

    argue stop

    share go

    love peace

  • http://vectorpress.blogspot.com Trevor

    There are way too many – and way too long – comments here for a five item list of shitty pop songs…

  • JohnnyG

    They all have terrible lyrics, and “Jar of Hearts” is the only one I could stomach musically. The singing and the melody aren’t bad, but the lyrics are irritating.

  • Mike C.

    I don’t know why, but I’ve always assumed P!nk could use some deodorant. She just looks like it. Not that she’s dirty, just that she expels a certain biological nastiness.

  • http://www.dailyraider.com Anthony

    It was a yellow onion, you couldn’t get any other onions… cause of the war

  • Deimos616

    Who cares about what is or isn’t “true” dubstep? It’s a wholly bland, totally unorginal, completely redunant and utterly shitty (sub)genre of electronic music that arguably only douchebags listen to to begin with. I hope it crawls back into obscurity faster than it became (kinda) popular, and subsequently ceases to be made at all.

  • Linda

    I agree on all of them, but especially on “Jar of Hearts” and “F***ing Perfect”. Most people I knew actually LIKED those two songs, so it’s nice to see another person who hated them as much as I did. Great article.

  • Angie

    Whaaaaa are you f$%$*** serious? Parthy rock is an anthem!! And Jar of Hearts has one of the most beautiful lyrics ever written! You don’t need to be a woman to find out how beautiful this song is!And the other songs… they’re fine in this list….

  • ds

    shake that

  • Ocarina

    This is the worst list of the worst songs of 2011. You have got a lot to learn.

  • Ocarina

    I only agree on Look At Me Now and Party Rock Anthem

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