NOW WITH 90% MORE COPY-EDITING!
50) Aaron Sorkin
Charges: Won’t stop writing like Aaron Sorkin. More Sorkin with each Sorkin. Like that scene in Being John Malkovich, every Sorkin character is a Sorkin-headed Sorkin shrieking, “Sorkin!” in coked-up, Asperger-esque Sorkinese–speed-walking through saccharine, ahistoric morality plays in which triangulation evokes lofty scores, social change is effected solely by limousine liberals, and hackneyed drama is typically measured in rainfall.
Smoking Gun: “The Newsroom.”
Sentence: His fresh cup of Chris Matthews’s spittle secretly replaced with Folgers crystals. Will he Sorkin the Sorkin?!
49) Jim Lehrer
Charges: The PBS Punching Bag, the Denver Dodderer, the Moderating Mute came out of semi-retirement only to spare Obama the title of “most incompetent performance in a debate,” and play Rihanna to Romney’s Chris Brown. The king of NewsHour’s horrendous phony balance coverage, it’s no surprise that his toughest question was meant to determine if the candidates were, in fact, two different people.
Smoking Gun: “…”
Sentence: An eternity of brunches with Charlie Rose.
48) Chris Brown
Charges: Aggravated assault. The Todd Akin of pop stars. Twitter, Halloween, Frank Ocean, something, something. I just can’t bring myself to care about this half-talented jerk.
Smoking Gun: Battered woman neck tattoo.
Sentence: A fatal case of Bieber Fever.
Charges: Guuuuuuuuuurl?! Worst role model for girls since Batter-Me-Barbie. Not technically American.
Smoking Gun: See above.
Sentence: Stockholm Syndrome, apparently.
46) Peggy Noonan
Charges: As the Journal‘s postmenopausal Carrie Bradshaw, the full depth of her political analysis is that “America doesn’t date losers.” Tied to Romney big-money advisor Paul Singer (who pushed Ryan onto the ticket) through the Manhattan Institute, her call for a campaign “intervention” was but a brief, self-serving departure from being wrong about everything, always. Terrible writer. Unbearably pretentious.
Smoking Gun: “The GOP still practices primogeniture, but much else has changed in politics.”
Sentence: Chief speechwriter for Clint Eastwood’s Barcalounger.
45) Damon Lindelof
Charges: Rivaled only by the History Channel in assuring society’s total ignorance, his screenplay for the Alien prequel Prometheus once again proves that Lindelof is a sci-fi writer who lacks a basic grasp of science. And, worse, his fiction lazily panders to a lowest common denominator religiosity rarely found outside of the Creation Museum.
Smoking Gun: In a film overflowing with nonsense, the most egregious is a discovery that these ashy, 9-ft. Michael Chiklis-looking aliens inexplicably have human DNA–as if genotype isn’t expressed phenotypically (I say, chortling and pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose).
Sentence: Marooned on a magic island where his stubble refuses to grow.
44) Dr. Mehmet Oz
Charges: Of the many con-artists Oprah’s foisted upon the American public, Oz is the painting elephant. Wrapped in a cloak of board-certified credibility, Oz pushes snake oil faith healing, the power of prayer, homeopathy, FDA-debunked weight loss “miracles,” using tongues to diagnosis the whole body (?), and he even called fake-psychic John Edwards “authentic.” He went loonier in 2012, dedicating an episode of “The Dr. Oz Show” to the pseudoscience of homosexual “reparative therapy.” What a fag.
Smoking Gun: As a practitioner of Reiki, Oz apparently believes he can shoot healing energy beams out of his palms.
Sentence: Cancer, the prayers of millions, run over by a car.
43) Mark Cuban
Charges: Training-jowl billionaire whose first major business venture was a chain letter, and one of his latest is exploiting rubes on reality TV. He’s an alleged inside trader, and cowardly 9/11 truther, who credits his success to Ayn Rand. The ipecac of Übermensch, his anti-worker appetite unsated in the boardroom, he’s now sunk to stealing work from struggling commercial actors because, unlike the rest of us, he can’t get enough of Mark Cuban’s self-satisfied face.
Smoking Gun: “New relaxed fit Sketchers. They’re very relaxing.”
Sentence: Must “Go Galt.”
42) Lance Armstrong
Charges: Sociopathic, ten-speed Escobar who brazenly lied, ruined lives, and played on our collectively gullible patriotism and misplaced respect for blatantly selfish charity PR, so that he could reap millions, bang Sheryl Crow then drop her like a cancerous testicle, and feast on undeserved fame–only to finally come clean in a venue that granted Oprah 15 more terrifying minutes of relevance.
Smoking Gun: “I have the facts on my side.”
Sentence: “Celebrity Apprentice.”
41) Katherine Bigelow
Charges: Directed a movie which unsuccessfully tries to be both “based on first-hand accounts” of the bin Laden hunt and also a jingoist dramatization where tortured brown-faces spill leads and the poorly cast CIA interrogator is the one left traumatized. Bigelow and screenwriter Mark Boal defend the enhanced interrogation scenes in Zero Dark Thirty because redacting them would be to whitewash history. True. The problem, however, is that according to members of the Senate Intelligence Committee, the film’s breakthrough torture intel is as real as Santa Claus.
Smoking Gun: “In the end, bro, everybody breaks. It’s biology.”
Sentence: Having put a hanger on a fucking stove and letting that shit sit there for like a half hour, she’s to take it off and stick it in Sam Harris’s ass slow like. Tssssssss!
40) Sam Harris
Charges: As the former’s confused reason for Fox News dogma, and the latter comedy for cackling, Sam Harris has official overtaken Ricky Gervais as the world’s funniest atheist (they’re tied for most annoying). He recently added Muslim profiling and NRA talking points to a sophist’s portfolio already bulging with hawkish appreciation for war and torture. Populated with more strawmen than a Kansas corn field, Harris’s post-Sandy Hook paean to firearms justified the death of 20 children because, well, Sam Harris is scared of sharp objects, and he’s too dimwitted to imagine a nonlethal knife-deterrent.
Smoking Gun: “Fantasists and zealots can be found on both sides of the debate over guns in America.”
Sentence: Tortured by Katherine “Wu-Tang” Bigelow until he confesses his love of Allah, divulges the secret launch codes, and shares his special recipe for bullshit salad.
39) Ann Romney
Charges: Possible Cylon. Definite snob. Delivered the least authentic convention speech of any spouse ever. Tried to humanize the inhuman with nostalgic lies of a hard-luck life eating tuna fish and cardboard off of a hobo’s discarded ironing board. Or something. This unemployed woman who pays some $80,000 per year to stable, feed, and train an Olympic dancing horse was tasked with the impossible feat of portraying her husband as champion to the marginalized. And, to her credit, it was only slightly less believable than the Alabama YouTube leprechaun.
Smoking Gun: “I love you women!”
Sentence: Foxconn laborer.
38) Mike Daisey
Charges: Flabulist who unwittingly worked as an Apple public relations shill when, in an episode of NPR’s “This American Life,” he diminished the deplorable working conditions in China’s Foxconn sweatshops by needlessly dramatizing them.
Smoking Gun: He even gave NPR producers the fake name of a translator, so the real translator couldn’t contradict his lies about armed factory guards and a Chinese Tiny Tim pawing at an iPad with crippled digits.
Sentence: Routinely confused with Meatloaf–the food and/or man.
37) Tucker Carlson
Charges: Trust fund douchebag whose perseverance in the face of consistent “journalistic” failure would be admirable were it not derived from a wholly undeserved sense of entitlement. Fought his impending and absolute irrelevance by rerunning a video clip (with the help of Drudge and Hannity) he first reported on in ’07 while at MSNBC which reveals that Barack Obama–hold on to your motherfucking October surprised genitals!–is a black guy. One of the few American pundits who believes that incredulous squinting qualifies as commentary.
Smoking Gun: “This hasn’t been reported. I know because I reported it the first time.”
Sentence: Self-awareness, suicide.
36) Matthew Yglesias
Charges: Overwriting Slate wonk-bot who somehow maintains a liberal reputation while dispassionately lobbing faux-adult grenades at the working class. Like many in the “professional left,” his obvious intellect never quite conquers a condescension forged in the flames of privilege. He pits teachers against taxpayers, defends vulture capitalists, and spins bloated CEO salaries with the cavalier narcissism only a product of private schooling could employ outside of parody.
Smoking Gun: “Romney and Bain didn’t do anything wrong, but we still might not want an asshole in the White House.”
Sentence: Three years hard labor, working as Dave Weigel’s dermatologist.
35) Marco Rubio
Charges: Bobby Jindal redux whose impending melanin-lite response to the State of the Union will be a handsome, ineffective pander to a demographic most Republicans would most like to mow their lawns, for Pete’s sake. His RNC speech focused on an upward mobility his party has all but made impossible. Every time I see him I hear Phil Collins singing in my head, “Ru-Ru-Ru-Rubio! Whoa-o!” And now you will, too.
Smoking Gun: “There is only one savior, and it is not me. #Jesus”
Sentence: Dubbed “Mah lil’ chalupa” by an oblivious Mitch McConnell.
34) Frank VanderSloot
Charges: Overly litigious gay-bashing billionaire Mormon CEO of Melaleuca, Inc., a cultish pyramid-selling “Wellness Company” that promises its “partners” “total financial freedom” for “families trying to get out of debt”–likely incurred from purchasing overpriced Latter-day douche and snake-oil supplements in bulk to pawn off on other pious dupes. The natural grifter to co-chair Romney’s national finance committee, he dumped $1 million into Mitt’s Restore Our Future PAC, and even makes casino creep Sheldon Adelson seem like a nice guy.
Smoking Gun: He ostensibly believes that the Garden of Eden was located in Jackson County, Missouri, and that Native Americans are actually Jews.
Sentence: A glow-in-the-dark tattoo of Jesus sodomizing Adam Smith on the inside of his eyelids.
33) That Twilight slut that cheated on that other Twilight slut
Charges: Who cares.
Smoking Gun. Whatever.
Sentence: Fuck you.
Charges: You have an opinion on that Twilight slut that cheated on that other Twilight slut, and you’ll share it with anyone who’ll listen. You believe in ghosts, horoscopes, that criminalizing abortion would reduce abortion rates, karma, Fred Thompson’s reverse goddamn mortgages, that Hitler took people’s guns away, that the ATF ran guns into Mexico, and every other dumb-fuck thing because your brain’s an evolutionary mish-mash that’s better at retroactively justifying its near-instant emotional reactions than it is making rational sense of the world. You’re a subconscious brute, largely unaware of your own motivations–an animal automaton programed by biology and society to eschew reason in favor of blind prejudice, tribalism, social climbing, and a perverse ethos that values cowardice and conformity over imagination and the bravery to admit that your entire life is a moot point made by no one at all. And you’re a shitty driver.
Smoking Gun: Honey Boo Boo.
Sentence: Honey Boo Boo.
Charges: I don’t know you. Judgmental prick. Fat. Lazy. Etc.
Smoking Gun: I’m just filling space here, there’s probably typos all up in this mofo, and…
Sentence: A traumatic sexual encounter with Katy Perry.
30) Katy Perry
Charges: Won’t call me back. Won’t stop bouncing around. Made my dick want to vote for Barack Obama, thus making my brain hate my dick. Thrives in this supposedly post-feminist culture where she’s little judged for confusing sex appeal with talent, and my obvious desire to just absolutely wreck her with wang-meat is seen as rightfully misogynistic, yet in a time when the nation’s Akins and Mourdocks threaten the rights of women she’s dropped the feminist label like some hackneyed Brit comedian.
Smoking Gun: She’s now dating John Mayer.
Sentence: Dating John Mayer.
29) Gloria Allred
Charges: The reason women like Katy Perry impugn feminism, Allred’s militant approach to gender equality comes at the expense of gender equality by granting women permanent victimhood and special legal status. She tried to win women who chose a career in pr0n the unchallenged right to sue for damages incurred by their own decision to work in pr0n, for example. A celebrity barnacle whose quest for fame and distain for free speech have long outweighed what were once certainly more noble motivations.
Smoking Gun: She sought to prosecute Rush Limbaugh under an arcane Florida “chastity” statute for calling Sandra Fluke a “slut.”
Sentence: Cameo in the film version of 50 Shades of Grey.
28) Dick Morris
Charges: Jamming gaydar everywhere with a love of pastels and a lispy slobber-mouth that looks to crave more than toes. As a close Clinton adviser, Morris is as responsible as anyone for transforming Democrats into a moderate wing of the Republican Party, and thereby shifting the GOP toward extremism. During the election, however, it was Morris’s poll-stroking Romney delusions that confirmed he’s a man living in total denial.
Smoking Gun: “We’re gonna win in a landslide.”
Sentence: Forced to play Dorothy in a “Golden Girls” reboot.
27) Bill Clinton
Charges: Inspired nauseating worship from the “liberal” pundinista with a glacial DNC speech which clearly articulated the stark differences between the Republican and Democratic parties that don’t actually exist. Hypocritically blasted the Bush administration for leaving Obama a mess he more than helped create by signing NAFTA and repealing Glass-Steagall. Affable and charismatic, he’s the perfect “aw, shucks” pitchman for America’s institutional amnesia.
Smoking Gun: “You see they want to go back to the same old policies that got us into trouble in the first place…to get rid of those pesky financial regulations…”
Sentence: Must play Blanche to Morris’s Dorothy.
26) Dana Loesch
Charges: The ideological love-troll of Phyllis Schlafly and Grover Norquist, Loesch wants to reduce government to a size where it can drown in your vagina. Whether comparing intrusive, state-mandated transvaginal ultrasounds to consensual intercourse, defending Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin, or fabricating a conspiracy over her husband’s temporarily suspended Twitter account, Dana’s a cheap, hyper-partisan squid, squirting a cloud of imagined liberal sins which she thinks nullifies the original criticism because she’s a total fucking moron. And when that invariably fails, she’ll just lie about what she said, or call you a sexist/pedo. Quite possibly still on the CNN payroll only to make Piers Morgan seem slightly more palatable.
Smoking Gun: “Seems to me like Akin was trying to fit medical explanation into a soundbite. Not the best statement, but some are stretching it majorly.”
Sentence: Human chair at Al Roker’s house.
25) George Zimmerman
Charges: The NYPD of neighborhood watch who, despite pleas from the 911 dispatcher, pursued, escalated a conflict with, then gunned down a teenager for what he deemed a suspicious possession of Skittles and melanin. And he keeps making me think of Men’s Wearhouse owner George Zimmer–”You’re gonna like the way you look.” But mostly the murdered kid thing.
Smoking Gun: An actual smoking gun.
Sentence: A jury of Trayvon Martin’s peers.
24) Penn Jillette
Charges: Humiliating himself as Donald Trump’s dancing business-monkey. Featured on a not-so-secret list of sexist creepers within the skeptic/atheist community. He’s an intolerably smug know-it-all who actually knows very little. A devout Randroid and Glenn Beck fan, he’s to the rationalist movement what John Wayne Gacy was to clowns. His thankfully defunct, eponymously titled show “Bullshit,” operated under the tired formula of dirty hippy debates Cato Institute whore, and we learn that second-hand smoke is as safe as Gerber’s. Magic! The Anti-Lorax, Jillette’s an environment-hating buffoon who denied anthropogenic global warming until as late as 2008–because he was too scared of the “political climate.” At least Teller has the decency to never speak.
Smoking Gun: “Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness.”
Sentence: Forced at government gunpoint to work as Trump’s hair illusionist.
23) Donald Trump
Charges: A convincing argument against the 1st and 5th Amendments, this walking combover needs to just shut the fuck up and die already. The consummate huckster, and sufferer of verbal dysentery, his countless transgressions defy cataloguing. So I’ll spare you everything save for his moronic ploy to gain Obama’s passport and college records in exchange for a $5 million charity donation. Insult to racist injury, the video announcement was so low rent that he looked like an 8mm-shot Boehner/Oompa Loompa with a disgruntled squirrel on his head.
Smoking Gun: So awful he makes Mark Cuban seem awesome.
Sentence: Shut the fuck up and die already.
22) Ghost of Breitbart
Charges: The P.T. Barnum of modern conservatism, he was a traveling hypocrisy circus, a one-man confidence game, who never missed an opportunity to employ the Alinskyite tactics he pretended to deride. Most obviously, smearing your political enemies with your own failings…like calling everyone on the left an Alinskyite. Spent the final months of his life pitching a video–with all the coked-up vigor of the late Billy Mays–that was going to shake up the world. Released posthumously, the Obama-hugs-black-professor video riled few outside of the Klan, and that’s the real tragedy of his death: Andy never did taste the failure. Just sidewalk.
Smoking Gun: “I have videos, this election we’re going to vet him…from his college days to show you why racial division and class warfare are central to what hope and change was sold in 2008.”
Sentence: Tormented by Malcolm X and Saul Alinsky in the afterlife.
21) “Papa” John Schnatter
Charges: Infantile Romney-garch who threatened to raise the cost of his shitty pizzas by 15¢ and cut workers’ hours because Obamacare mandates that he provide meager health benefits to his underpaid employees.
Smoking Gun: His 2 million-pizza giveaway marketing strategy cost his company roughly 6 times what Obamacare does.
Sentence: Hires robots and flying drones to replace weak, disease-prone humans, and then Skynet something whatever. “Your clothes…give them to me, now.”
20) Paula Broadwell
Charges: Her whorish biography of former CIA Director General David Petraeus represents the worst kind of reporting, not for turning “access journalism” into a delightful pun, but for letting her feelings obscure her objectivity–not that that was her actual goal, as a career military flunky. While she began massaging the General’s–ahem–record in the mid aughts, the 2012 release of her literary blow job was basically a PR effort to fix collateral damage done to “Peaches’” reputation by The Operators, a real book, written by a real journalist.
Smoking Gun: Titled her Petraeus hagiography All In. Giggity.
Sentence: The shame.
19) Dan Cathy
Charges: The Fred Phelps of chicken, the Chick-fil-A COO finally revealed what his family’s charitable donations have been screaming for years: “I’m probably gay, and I need the government to keep me from indulging in the gay marriage I so desperately desire!” They gave $5 million to the Family Research Council since ’03 alone. They’re hyper-religious dicks who’re closed on Sundays, and damn them for making decent chicken you can’t eat with a side of conscience.
Smoking Gun: “I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’. I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”
Sentence: “Keep fucking that chicken.”
18) Dinesh D’Souza
Charges: An intellectual imposter whose career’s swung casually between vicious conservative think-tank lackey and moronic Christian apologist. He reached a fraudulent low last year with the release of 2016: Obama’s America which, through the prism of Potemkin journalism, imagined the fake horrors awaiting America at the end of Obama’s second term–like unstoppable Sharia Law. According to D’Souza’s armchair psychoanalysis and “super serious” scholarship, this impending doom springs from Obama’s need to fulfill the anticolonialist dreams of his father’s ghost with the help of John Edwards and an Ouija board. Or some such.
Smoking Gun: “In a sense, through the earth itself, he communes with his father and receives his father’s spirit.”
Sentence: Must invent and master the D’Souzaphone, an instrument which emits not sound but literal bullshit, and he must use it to spray a version of Handel’s Messiah at next year’s Super Bowl while being whipped by Al Sharpton and Noam Chomsky.
17) Al Sharpton
Charges: Woefully unaware of the advent of audio amplification, Sharpton seems to think he needs to flub his blindly partisan lines at a volume that can physically travel from his studio to living rooms across the nation. With his weight loss, his shouting head appears to be gaining critical mass which may crush all credibility within MSNBC’s event horizon into a spaghetti thin drool that physicists theorize may spill out of Chris Matthew’s mouth in an alternate universe. What? I dunno! Drugs! I’m on drugs! But there’s no drug known to man that would make Sharpton morph into anything other than a bumbling, counterproductive party apparatchik (who’s only on this list because Martin Bashir is British and Chris Matthews is a hologram).
Smoking Gun: “…but resist we much… we must… and we will much… about… that… be committed.”
Sentence: Periodically bumping into Martin Bashir at the watercooler.
16) Alex Jones
Charges: A shower and shave away from doomsaying hobo, Jones makes a decent living off of his borderline schizophrenia. He “KNOWS” that every mass-shooting is staged by a global cabal who wants to steal your guns, global warming is a New World Order hoax, Beyonce flashed an Illuminati symbol which caused the Super Bowl blackout, and every other super-secret, unfalsifiable plot perpetrated by a shifting and shadowy “THEY”–who engineer society based upon the wishes of interdimensional elves with whom “THEY” confer using Satanic hallucinogens. Jones is the very “false flag” propagandist he claims to despise by diluting real concerns, such as drone strikes on American soil, with an endless stream of loonitarian logorrhea that makes David Icke sound like Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
Smoking Gun: Ancient cave paintings depict the Illuminati Anti-Christ as a quick-tempered, red-faced psycho with a bad hair cut…WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
Sentence: Medically fused to Piers Morgan at the hip, the two star in a TLC reality show called “Asshole & Asshole.”
15) Sean Hannity
Charges: Left the seminary upon realizing he could abuse, manipulate, and molest more people as a conservative broadcaster. The sneering, self-righteous poster boy for every right-wing nontroversy (see Benghazi and Fast & Furious), Hannity’s something of a Piltdown Newsman. One can easily imagine him a 19th century Boston cop, bashing brown folks and loving it. But in this age of media saturation, even bullies like Hannity must prostrate themselves and grovel occasionally at the feet of reality. After hyping Tucker Carlson’s black-cent “bombshell,” and then stubbornly realizing it was nothing, he had Fox’s resident melanin-haver Juan Williams join the panel to flog him. That way, Hannity cleverly avoided looking foolish.
Smoking Gun: Look at his jaw; he always seems like he’s about to bite someone.
Sentence: A return to the religious life; vow of silence.
14) Richard Mourdock/Mike Huckabee
Charges: Let these two troglodytes be joined in unholy matrimony, ruining the sanctity of this blessed list, because they’re both guilty of essentially the same inadvertently awesome crime–calling out God for being a frat-douche who impregnates via daterape and slaughters kids because he’s a jealous li’l bitch. Loathsome guys? Yes. Loathsome sentiments? Not really. The more these devout shmucks espouse the actual word and meaning of God, the fewer believers will remain, desperately clinging to an ancient fairy tale as their deceptive moral compass.
Smoking Guns: “And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.” & “Should we be so surprised that [our Godless] schools would become a place of carnage?”
Sentence: Respectively raped and smote by His Noodly Appendage.
13) Karl Rove
Charges: Hubris. A fledgling act of perception management, he cheered on Nixon when he was 9 years-old, and he’s become exponentially more depraved as the years went by. He weaseled out of Watergate investigations, turned Texas red, and crowned a vegetable president with dirty tricks. He sold an illegal war, stole an election, outed Valerie Plame and suffered no consequences save for power and money. Why wouldn’t he think his heavily funded Crossroads GPS–which he basically promised the Koch brothers would win them the election–could possibly fail in convincing Americans to elect a cardboard cutout who thinks he’ll become a god in the afterlife? Hubris. A hubris that unfolded on live TV during his epic election night Fox News meltdown. Incredulous. Shocked. He’d spent all the money. He’d done all the evil. What went wrong? Finally, milk was spilled, and Rove responded like a petulant toddler. And, lo, the schadenfreude was sweet.
Smoking Gun: “We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors…and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.” (2004)
Sentence: MMA cagematch with Joe the Plumber.
12) Joe Arpaio
Charges: “America’s Sheriff” (in the way rat vomit is “America’s Snack Food”) has a long history of racism, prisoner abuse, and protecting pedophiles, but last year his low-rent Wyatt Earp routine turned overtly cartoonish. In a blatant effort to distract from an investigation into his illegally misspending nearly $100 million on immigrant roundups and spying programs, Arpaio launched the “Cold Case Posse”–meant to finally expose Obama’s Manchurian Presidency. The citizen “posse” determined the President’s birth certificate to be fraudulent, and then, as you remember, Obama was removed from office and Arpaio was given the Golden Key to Fantasy City for not totally wasting everyone’s time.
Smoking Gun: “At the very least, I can tell you this, based on all of the evidence presented and investigated, I cannot in good faith report to you that these documents are authentic.”
Sentence: Imprisoned in a tent city, made to wear pink panties, stuffed with candy, disguised as a pig piñata, and beaten mercilessly by Edward James Olmos dressed as Captain Adama.
11) Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield
Charges: A rising star in the overcompensating closeted community, the “totally straight” Campfield authored the ultimately ill-fated “Don’t Say Gay” bill, banning Tennessee teachers from discussing homosexuality in schools. Now the state senator, who totally loves sex with “women,” is thrusting two deplorable bills through Tennessee’s legislative bunghole–one that would mandate school employees to out students they suspect are gay, and another to cut welfare to parents whose children are underperforming academically. The latter’s particularly frightening, considering Campfield’s contribution to academia has been to regurgitate claims made in the thoroughly debunked ’80s book And The Band Played On that HIV is nearly impossible to transmit through heterosexual contact, and that origin of AIDS was…
Smoking Gun: “It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, I believe, if I recall correctly.”
Sentence: Made to watch gay porn with a wired elastic band around his penis. If his member becomes engorged the band sensor trips a robotic hand which then squeezes the trigger of a gun pointed directly at his head. Out of the gun will pop a flag which reads: “We already know you love cock.”
10) Rush Limbaugh
Charges: The hardest-blowing blowhard in a media landscape littered with windbags. And he knows it. Every second of it. Every lie. Every distortion. Every racial and sexual dogwhistle, it’s blown through a smirk connoting he knows he’s the biggest, fattest, carnival-barking swindler of our bilious age, capable of conning millions into believing he possesses any principles beyond self-aggrandizing greed.
Smoking Gun: Just turn on the radio.
Sentence: Eaten alive by conflicted vegans.
9) Barack Obama
Charges: Best actor to ever occupy the White House, he’s both polarized and duped the entire nation through sheer charisma and melanin. While the batshit Right’s been calling him a dog-eating black-Mao anti-Christ who’s intent on crushing capitalism, sweeping in Sharia Law, and probably fucking your ivory-skinned daughter just to watch you cry, in reality he’s been the strong Republican they dreamed Romney could’ve been. He bombed the shit out of Libya without Congressional authorization, he flip-flopped like a trout on campaign finance, his healthcare reform was born out of the conservative Heritage Foundation, he’s prosecuted more whistleblowers than all previous executives combined, never closed GITMO, Wall Street is little regulated and booming as loudly as the guns that still sell like hotcakes, and for good measure he’s grabbed Bush’s baton of the unitary executive and sprinted toward dangerous legal precedents where he and future presidents have the extralegal authority to rain Hellfire missiles down on American citizens on American soil from flying fucking robots! If the Civil Rights Act marked the moment when Republicans stopped being the party of Lincoln, it’s this compromising-with-fascists administration that signifies when Democrats stopped being the party of FDR. But it’s all political, social smoke and mirrors. Up is down. Left is right. And what we get is a weak progressive majority, and prominent dipshit liberals like Bill Maher, supporting and defending a man they’d deride under more objective circumstances.
Smoking Gun: “You know, I suspect that, on Social Security, [Romney and I've] got a somewhat similar position.”
Sentence: Vaccine-resistant super-polio.
8) Dr. John Willke
Charges: A deserving replacement for Todd Akin, this actual medical doctor is the cerebral godfather and pro-life gatekeeper to not only an inconsequential Missouri also-ran but an entire generation of fucktarded conservatives who believe that women’s ova are protected from rapey sperm by tiny pit bulls and giant walls of ignorance. Having done absolutely no testing of his hypothesis, his National Right to Life Committee is rumored to start tackling tougher topics, such as the feminine vapors, whalebone corset disorders, and the dangers of sewing arousal.
Smoking Gun: “This is a traumatic thing — she’s, shall we say, she’s uptight. She is frightened, tight, and so on. And sperm, if deposited in her vagina, are less likely to be able to fertilize. The tubes are spastic.”
Sentence: So traumatized by the site of lesbian armpit hair, he’s no longer capable of digesting food with his spastic intestines. And he dies. Slowly. Science.
7) Joe Scarborough
Charges: A belligerent mansplainer whose self-parodying idiocy renders Stephen Colbert redundant. Of all the paleopundits who trusted their “gut” over basic math, Scarborough’s face bore the biggest election omelette. The beady-eyed mythbuster of a media meritocracy, Scarborough’s commitment to the Republican War on Reality makes even vanilla news-tumor Willie Geist seem like Walter Cronkite.
Smoking gun: “Anybody that thinks that this race is anything but a toss-up right now is such an ideologue, they should be kept away from typewriters, computers, laptops and microphones for the next 10 days, because they’re jokes.”
Sentence: Chosen to test pilot a space shuttle built by engineers who prefer gut instinct to mathematics.
6) Jennifer Rubin
Charges: WaPo’s Dershowitz in drag, she’d report you to the Anti Defamation League for so much as disrespecting a bagel, and imagines herself the blogging bulldozer to Palestinian legitimacy. Meant to satisfy conservative Post critics with the even-handed Washington Times Moonacy they crave, Rubin’s occupied literary territory mainly covered histrionic Arab-hating until branching out as Romney’s stenographer–even reposting campaign press releases to counter her own paper’s accurate reporting.
Smoking Gun: “Now wait a minute. Is this an act of anti-long hairism or anti-gay?”
Sentence: Encased in a giant block of ham.
5) David Barton
Charges: Armed with only a BA in religious studies from Oral Roberts University and the integrity of a serial rapist, pseudo-historian David Barton has successfully convinced millions of benighted Americans that the Founding Fathers debunked the theory of evolution a half-century before it was ever proposed, that the Constitution is a “verbatim” copy of Scripture, Jesus opposed a minimum wage, and that the Bible warns against net neutrality. He’s recently taken to defending the Second Amendment with an apocryphal story of armed, 19th century school children protecting their teacher which Barton apparently–not a joke–ripped off from a Louis L’Amour novel.
Smoking Gun: “… life begins before conception…”?
Sentence: Kicked in the balls by Doris Kearns Goodwin.
4) Matt Drudge
Charges: The Internet’s answer to William Randolph Hearst, his only credibility comes from one sperm-related scoop 15 years ago, and a surname that makes him sound like an old-timey muckraker. He’s the shamelessly hungry middle segment in the human centipede between GOP operatives and vapid talking heads, constantly swallowing and shitting a stream of propaganda that would make Goebbels cringe.
Smoking Gun: Falsely claimed Obama ditched Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to meet with a parrot-toting pirate in an eye patch. True.
Sentence: Breitbart sidewalk faceplant.
3) Paul Ryan
Charges: Compulsively lying, arrested adolescent Muppet whose sheltered mind is still blown by Atlas Shrugged and Stairway to Heaven. The Uri Geller of economics, he managed to bend the will of MSM patsies like Ezra Klein into portraying him as a credible policy wonk, rather than what he truly is: a two-bit illusionist who wants to disappear Grandma’s Medicare and Social Security money and make it reappear in the pockets of the rich wankers he secretly wishes would rape him in a rock quarry.
Smoking Gun: Even Fox News said Ryan’s RNC performance “was an apparent attempt to set the world record for the greatest number of blatant lies and misrepresentations slipped into a single political speech.”
Sentence: So inspired by Rand’s The Fountainhead, he buys a home designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. A slight rain causes the roof to collapse. A stout beam caves in his widow’s peak. His final, bloody gasp: “Ellsworth Toohey was right…”
2) Wayne LaPierre
Charges: As the NRA’s well-paid CEO of death (and thinly veiled fear of brown people), it’s his role to obscure the very basic fact that more guns equals more gun violence–by any cognitively dissonant means necessary. In the ’90s, he called federal agents jack-booted Nazis in a fundraising letter, yet in his preposterous Sandy Hook speech he implored Congress to post armed guards at every school in the nation. In pure Alex Jones fashion, he once accused President Clinton of needing a certain level of gun violence to justify the assault weapons ban–which the NRA was keen to shoot full of holes. Asinine rhetoric about gun-free zones advertising massacre, violent video games, TV and movies aside, it’s the annual multi-million dollar lobbying efforts painting Smith & Wesson as benevolent job creators which cows even alleged democrats like Harry Reid. And with two recent PR blunders–a commercial slamming Obama’s “hypocrisy” for having armed Secret Service agents protect his daughters, and a shoot-’em-up app marketed to 4 year-olds!–LaPierre came off more tone-deaf than the early audition stage of “American Idol.”
Smoking Gun: “There exists in this country, sadly, a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells and stows violence against its own people through vicious and violent video games.”
Sentence: Arms and legs shot off by a semi-automatic deer.
1) Mitt Romney
Charges: The first openly gaseous presidential candidate, his pandering could fill any ideological container. In Michigan, the trees were just the right height; in Israel, Jerusalem was their rightful capitol; and on Univision, the guy actually wore brownface! Trashing 47% of the country for being leeches was the only honest moment of his campaign. Just an outright charlatan whose private sector experience was in publicizing debt, but whose presidential race began with debt fearmongering. Basically, he would’ve told the American voters he’d kill Hitler with his time-travelling Mormon cock if he thought it would’ve played in Ohio.
Smoking Gun: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”
Sentence: Exiled to planet Kolob.