"Totally coup, yo."

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans

Feb

12

by

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50) Aaron Sorkin
Charges: Won’t stop writing like Aaron Sorkin. More Sorkin with each Sorkin. Like that scene in Being John Malkovich, every Sorkin character is a Sorkin-headed Sorkin shrieking, “Sorkin!” in coked-up, Asperger-esque Sorkinese–speed-walking through saccharine, ahistoric morality plays in which triangulation evokes lofty scores, social change is effected solely by limousine liberals, and hackneyed drama is typically measured in rainfall.
Smoking Gun: “The Newsroom.”
Sentence: His fresh cup of Chris Matthews’s spittle secretly replaced with Folgers crystals. Will he Sorkin the Sorkin?!

49) Jim Lehrer
Charges: The PBS Punching Bag, the Denver Dodderer, the Moderating Mute came out of semi-retirement only to spare Obama the title of “most incompetent performance in a debate,” and play Rihanna to Romney’s Chris Brown. The king of NewsHour’s horrendous phony balance coverage, it’s no surprise that his toughest question was meant to determine if the candidates were, in fact, two different people.
Smoking Gun: “…”
Sentence: An eternity of brunches with Charlie Rose.

48) Chris Brown
Charges: Aggravated assault. The Todd Akin of pop stars. Twitter, Halloween, Frank Ocean, something, something. I just can’t bring myself to care about this half-talented jerk.
Smoking Gun: Battered woman neck tattoo.
Sentence: A fatal case of Bieber Fever.

47) Rihanna
Charges: Guuuuuuuuuurl?! Worst role model for girls since Batter-Me-Barbie. Not technically American.
Smoking Gun: See above.
Sentence: Stockholm Syndrome, apparently.

46) Peggy Noonan
Charges: As the Journal‘s postmenopausal Carrie Bradshaw, the full depth of her political analysis is that “America doesn’t date losers.” Tied to Romney big-money advisor Paul Singer (who pushed Ryan onto the ticket) through the Manhattan Institute, her call for a campaign “intervention” was but a brief, self-serving departure from being wrong about everything, always. Terrible writer. Unbearably pretentious.
Smoking Gun: “The GOP still practices primogeniture, but much else has changed in politics.”
Sentence: Chief speechwriter for Clint Eastwood’s Barcalounger.

45) Damon Lindelof
Charges: Rivaled only by the History Channel in assuring society’s total ignorance, his screenplay for the Alien prequel Prometheus once again proves that Lindelof is a sci-fi writer who lacks a basic grasp of science. And, worse, his fiction lazily panders to a lowest common denominator religiosity rarely found outside of the Creation Museum.
Smoking Gun: In a film overflowing with nonsense, the most egregious is a discovery that these ashy, 9-ft. Michael Chiklis-looking aliens inexplicably have human DNA–as if genotype isn’t expressed phenotypically (I say, chortling and pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose).
Sentence: Marooned on a magic island where his stubble refuses to grow.

44) Dr. Mehmet Oz
Charges: Of the many con-artists Oprah’s foisted upon the American public, Oz is the painting elephant. Wrapped in a cloak of board-certified credibility, Oz pushes snake oil faith healing, the power of prayer, homeopathy, FDA-debunked weight loss “miracles,” using tongues to diagnosis the whole body (?), and he even called fake-psychic John Edwards “authentic.” He went loonier in 2012, dedicating an episode of “The Dr. Oz Show” to the pseudoscience of homosexual “reparative therapy.” What a fag.
Smoking Gun: As a practitioner of Reiki, Oz apparently believes he can shoot healing energy beams out of his palms.
Sentence: Cancer, the prayers of millions, run over by a car.

43) Mark Cuban
Charges: Training-jowl billionaire whose first major business venture was a chain letter, and one of his latest is exploiting rubes on reality TV. He’s an alleged inside trader, and cowardly 9/11 truther, who credits his success to Ayn Rand. The ipecac of Übermensch, his anti-worker appetite unsated in the boardroom, he’s now sunk to stealing work from struggling commercial actors because, unlike the rest of us, he can’t get enough of Mark Cuban’s self-satisfied face.
Smoking Gun: “New relaxed fit Sketchers. They’re very relaxing.”
Sentence: Must “Go Galt.”

42) Lance Armstrong
Charges: Sociopathic, ten-speed Escobar who brazenly lied, ruined lives, and played on our collectively gullible patriotism and misplaced respect for blatantly selfish charity PR, so that he could reap millions, bang Sheryl Crow then drop her like a cancerous testicle, and feast on undeserved fame–only to finally come clean in a venue that granted Oprah 15 more terrifying minutes of relevance.
Smoking Gun: “I have the facts on my side.”
Sentence: “Celebrity Apprentice.”

41) Katherine Bigelow
Charges: Directed a movie which unsuccessfully tries to be both “based on first-hand accounts” of the bin Laden hunt and also a jingoist dramatization where tortured brown-faces spill leads and the poorly cast CIA interrogator is the one left traumatized. Bigelow and screenwriter Mark Boal defend the enhanced interrogation scenes in Zero Dark Thirty because redacting them would be to whitewash history. True. The problem, however, is that according to members of the Senate Intelligence Committee, the film’s breakthrough torture intel is as real as Santa Claus.
Smoking Gun: “In the end, bro, everybody breaks. It’s biology.”
Sentence: Having put a hanger on a fucking stove and letting that shit sit there for like a half hour, she’s to take it off and stick it in Sam Harris’s ass slow like. Tssssssss!

40) Sam Harris
Charges: As the former’s confused reason for Fox News dogma, and the latter comedy for cackling, Sam Harris has official overtaken Ricky Gervais as the world’s funniest atheist (they’re tied for most annoying). He recently added Muslim profiling and NRA talking points to a sophist’s portfolio already bulging with hawkish appreciation for war and torture. Populated with more strawmen than a Kansas corn field, Harris’s post-Sandy Hook paean to firearms justified the death of 20 children because, well, Sam Harris is scared of sharp objects, and he’s too dimwitted to imagine a nonlethal knife-deterrent.
Smoking Gun: “Fantasists and zealots can be found on both sides of the debate over guns in America.”
Sentence: Tortured by Katherine “Wu-Tang” Bigelow until he confesses his love of Allah, divulges the secret launch codes, and shares his special recipe for bullshit salad.

39) Ann Romney
Charges: Possible Cylon. Definite snob. Delivered the least authentic convention speech of any spouse ever. Tried to humanize the inhuman with nostalgic lies of a hard-luck life eating tuna fish and cardboard off of a hobo’s discarded ironing board. Or something. This unemployed woman who pays some $80,000 per year to stable, feed, and train an Olympic dancing horse was tasked with the impossible feat of portraying her husband as champion to the marginalized. And, to her credit, it was only slightly less believable than the Alabama YouTube leprechaun.
Smoking Gun: “I love you women!”
Sentence: Foxconn laborer.

38) Mike Daisey
Charges: Flabulist who unwittingly worked as an Apple public relations shill when, in an episode of NPR’s “This American Life,” he diminished the deplorable working conditions in China’s Foxconn sweatshops by needlessly dramatizing them.
Smoking Gun: He even gave NPR producers the fake name of a translator, so the real translator couldn’t contradict his lies about armed factory guards and a Chinese Tiny Tim pawing at an iPad with crippled digits.
Sentence: Routinely confused with Meatloaf–the food and/or man.

37) Tucker Carlson
Charges: Trust fund douchebag whose perseverance in the face of consistent “journalistic” failure would be admirable were it not derived from a wholly undeserved sense of entitlement. Fought his impending and absolute irrelevance by rerunning a video clip (with the help of Drudge and Hannity) he first reported on in ’07 while at MSNBC which reveals that Barack Obama–hold on to your motherfucking October surprised genitals!–is a black guy. One of the few American pundits who believes that incredulous squinting qualifies as commentary.
Smoking Gun: “This hasn’t been reported. I know because I reported it the first time.”
Sentence: Self-awareness, suicide.

36) Matthew Yglesias
Charges: Overwriting Slate wonk-bot who somehow maintains a liberal reputation while dispassionately lobbing faux-adult grenades at the working class. Like many in the “professional left,” his obvious intellect never quite conquers a condescension forged in the flames of privilege. He pits teachers against taxpayers, defends vulture capitalists, and spins bloated CEO salaries with the cavalier narcissism only a product of private schooling could employ outside of parody.
Smoking Gun: “Romney and Bain didn’t do anything wrong, but we still might not want an asshole in the White House.”
Sentence: Three years hard labor, working as Dave Weigel’s dermatologist.

35) Marco Rubio
Charges: Bobby Jindal redux whose impending melanin-lite response to the State of the Union will be a handsome, ineffective pander to a demographic most Republicans would most like to mow their lawns, for Pete’s sake. His RNC speech focused on an upward mobility his party has all but made impossible. Every time I see him I hear Phil Collins singing in my head, “Ru-Ru-Ru-Rubio! Whoa-o!” And now you will, too.
Smoking Gun: “There is only one savior, and it is not me. #Jesus”
Sentence: Dubbed “Mah lil’ chalupa” by an oblivious Mitch McConnell.

34) Frank VanderSloot
Charges: Overly litigious gay-bashing billionaire Mormon CEO of Melaleuca, Inc., a cultish pyramid-selling “Wellness Company” that promises its “partners” “total financial freedom” for “families trying to get out of debt”–likely incurred from purchasing overpriced Latter-day douche and snake-oil supplements in bulk to pawn off on other pious dupes. The natural grifter to co-chair Romney’s national finance committee, he dumped $1 million into Mitt’s Restore Our Future PAC, and even makes casino creep Sheldon Adelson seem like a nice guy.
Smoking Gun: He ostensibly believes that the Garden of Eden was located in Jackson County, Missouri, and that Native Americans are actually Jews.
Sentence: A glow-in-the-dark tattoo of Jesus sodomizing Adam Smith on the inside of his eyelids.

33) That Twilight slut that cheated on that other Twilight slut
Charges: Who cares.
Smoking Gun. Whatever.
Sentence: Fuck you.

32) You
Charges: You have an opinion on that Twilight slut that cheated on that other Twilight slut, and you’ll share it with anyone who’ll listen. You believe in ghosts, horoscopes, that criminalizing abortion would reduce abortion rates, karma, Fred Thompson’s reverse goddamn mortgages, that Hitler took people’s guns away, that the ATF ran guns into Mexico, and every other dumb-fuck thing because your brain’s an evolutionary mish-mash that’s better at retroactively justifying its near-instant emotional reactions than it is making rational sense of the world. You’re a subconscious brute, largely unaware of your own motivations–an animal automaton programed by biology and society to eschew reason in favor of blind prejudice, tribalism, social climbing, and a perverse ethos that values cowardice and conformity over imagination and the bravery to admit that your entire life is a moot point made by no one at all. And you’re a shitty driver.
Smoking Gun: Honey Boo Boo.
Sentence: Honey Boo Boo.

31) Me
Charges: I don’t know you. Judgmental prick. Fat. Lazy. Etc.
Smoking Gun: I’m just filling space here, there’s probably typos all up in this mofo, and…
Sentence: A traumatic sexual encounter with Katy Perry.

30) Katy Perry
Charges: Won’t call me back. Won’t stop bouncing around. Made my dick want to vote for Barack Obama, thus making my brain hate my dick. Thrives in this supposedly post-feminist culture where she’s little judged for confusing sex appeal with talent, and my obvious desire to just absolutely wreck her with wang-meat is seen as rightfully misogynistic, yet in a time when the nation’s Akins and Mourdocks threaten the rights of women she’s dropped the feminist label like some hackneyed Brit comedian.
Smoking Gun: She’s now dating John Mayer.
Sentence: Dating John Mayer.

29) Gloria Allred
Charges: The reason women like Katy Perry impugn feminism, Allred’s militant approach to gender equality comes at the expense of gender equality by granting women permanent victimhood and special legal status. She tried to win women who chose a career in pr0n the unchallenged right to sue for damages incurred by their own decision to work in pr0n, for example. A celebrity barnacle whose quest for fame and distain for free speech have long outweighed what were once certainly more noble motivations.
Smoking Gun: She sought to prosecute Rush Limbaugh under an arcane Florida “chastity” statute for calling Sandra Fluke a “slut.”
Sentence: Cameo in the film version of 50 Shades of Grey.

28) Dick Morris
Charges: Jamming gaydar everywhere with a love of pastels and a lispy slobber-mouth that looks to crave more than toes. As a close Clinton adviser, Morris is as responsible as anyone for transforming Democrats into a moderate wing of the Republican Party, and thereby shifting the GOP toward extremism. During the election, however, it was Morris’s poll-stroking Romney delusions that confirmed he’s a man living in total denial.
Smoking Gun: “We’re gonna win in a landslide.”
Sentence: Forced to play Dorothy in a “Golden Girls” reboot.

27) Bill Clinton
Charges: Inspired nauseating worship from the “liberal” pundinista with a glacial DNC speech which clearly articulated the stark differences between the Republican and Democratic parties that don’t actually exist. Hypocritically blasted the Bush administration for leaving Obama a mess he more than helped create by signing NAFTA and repealing Glass-Steagall. Affable and charismatic, he’s the perfect “aw, shucks” pitchman for America’s institutional amnesia.
Smoking Gun: “You see they want to go back to the same old policies that got us into trouble in the first place…to get rid of those pesky financial regulations…”
Sentence: Must play Blanche to Morris’s Dorothy.

26) Dana Loesch
Charges: The ideological love-troll of Phyllis Schlafly and Grover Norquist, Loesch wants to reduce government to a size where it can drown in your vagina. Whether comparing intrusive, state-mandated transvaginal ultrasounds to consensual intercourse, defending Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin, or fabricating a conspiracy over her husband’s temporarily suspended Twitter account, Dana’s a cheap, hyper-partisan squid, squirting a cloud of imagined liberal sins which she thinks nullifies the original criticism because she’s a total fucking moron. And when that invariably fails, she’ll just lie about what she said, or call you a sexist/pedo. Quite possibly still on the CNN payroll only to make Piers Morgan seem slightly more palatable.
Smoking Gun: “Seems to me like Akin was trying to fit medical explanation into a soundbite. Not the best statement, but some are stretching it majorly.”
Sentence: Human chair at Al Roker’s house.

25) George Zimmerman
Charges: The NYPD of neighborhood watch who, despite pleas from the 911 dispatcher, pursued, escalated a conflict with, then gunned down a teenager for what he deemed a suspicious possession of Skittles and melanin. And he keeps making me think of Men’s Wearhouse owner George Zimmer–”You’re gonna like the way you look.” But mostly the murdered kid thing.
Smoking Gun: An actual smoking gun.
Sentence: A jury of Trayvon Martin’s peers.

24) Penn Jillette
Charges: Humiliating himself as Donald Trump’s dancing business-monkey. Featured on a not-so-secret list of sexist creepers within the skeptic/atheist community. He’s an intolerably smug know-it-all who actually knows very little. A devout Randroid and Glenn Beck fan, he’s to the rationalist movement what John Wayne Gacy was to clowns. His thankfully defunct, eponymously titled show “Bullshit,” operated under the tired formula of dirty hippy debates Cato Institute whore, and we learn that second-hand smoke is as safe as Gerber’s. Magic! The Anti-Lorax, Jillette’s an environment-hating buffoon who denied anthropogenic global warming until as late as 2008–because he was too scared of the “political climate.” At least Teller has the decency to never speak.
Smoking Gun: “Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness.”
Sentence: Forced at government gunpoint to work as Trump’s hair illusionist.

23) Donald Trump
Charges: A convincing argument against the 1st and 5th Amendments, this walking combover needs to just shut the fuck up and die already. The consummate huckster, and sufferer of verbal dysentery, his countless transgressions defy cataloguing. So I’ll spare you everything save for his moronic ploy to gain Obama’s passport and college records in exchange for a $5 million charity donation. Insult to racist injury, the video announcement was so low rent that he looked like an 8mm-shot Boehner/Oompa Loompa with a disgruntled squirrel on his head.
Smoking Gun: So awful he makes Mark Cuban seem awesome.
Sentence: Shut the fuck up and die already.

22) Ghost of Breitbart
Charges: The P.T. Barnum of modern conservatism, he was a traveling hypocrisy circus, a one-man confidence game, who never missed an opportunity to employ the Alinskyite tactics he pretended to deride. Most obviously, smearing your political enemies with your own failings…like calling everyone on the left an Alinskyite. Spent the final months of his life pitching a video–with all the coked-up vigor of the late Billy Mays–that was going to shake up the world. Released posthumously, the Obama-hugs-black-professor video riled few outside of the Klan, and that’s the real tragedy of his death: Andy never did taste the failure. Just sidewalk.
Smoking Gun: “I have videos, this election we’re going to vet him…from his college days to show you why racial division and class warfare are central to what hope and change was sold in 2008.”
Sentence: Tormented by Malcolm X and Saul Alinsky in the afterlife.

21) “Papa” John Schnatter
Charges: Infantile Romney-garch who threatened to raise the cost of his shitty pizzas by 15¢ and cut workers’ hours because Obamacare mandates that he provide meager health benefits to his underpaid employees.
Smoking Gun: His 2 million-pizza giveaway marketing strategy cost his company roughly 6 times what Obamacare does.
Sentence: Hires robots and flying drones to replace weak, disease-prone humans, and then Skynet something whatever. “Your clothes…give them to me, now.”

20) Paula Broadwell
Charges: Her whorish biography of former CIA Director General David Petraeus represents the worst kind of reporting, not for turning “access journalism” into a delightful pun, but for letting her feelings obscure her objectivity–not that that was her actual goal, as a career military flunky. While she began massaging the General’s–ahem–record in the mid aughts, the 2012 release of her literary blow job was basically a PR effort to fix collateral damage done to “Peaches’” reputation by The Operators, a real book, written by a real journalist.
Smoking Gun: Titled her Petraeus hagiography All In. Giggity.
Sentence: The shame.

19) Dan Cathy
Charges: The Fred Phelps of chicken, the Chick-fil-A COO finally revealed what his family’s charitable donations have been screaming for years: “I’m probably gay, and I need the government to keep me from indulging in the gay marriage I so desperately desire!” They gave $5 million to the Family Research Council since ’03 alone. They’re hyper-religious dicks who’re closed on Sundays, and damn them for making decent chicken you can’t eat with a side of conscience.
Smoking Gun: “I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’. I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”
Sentence: “Keep fucking that chicken.”

18) Dinesh D’Souza
Charges: An intellectual imposter whose career’s swung casually between vicious conservative think-tank lackey and moronic Christian apologist. He reached a fraudulent low last year with the release of 2016: Obama’s America which, through the prism of Potemkin journalism, imagined the fake horrors awaiting America at the end of Obama’s second term–like unstoppable Sharia Law. According to D’Souza’s armchair psychoanalysis and “super serious” scholarship, this impending doom springs from Obama’s need to fulfill the anticolonialist dreams of his father’s ghost with the help of John Edwards and an Ouija board. Or some such.
Smoking Gun: “In a sense, through the earth itself, he communes with his father and receives his father’s spirit.”
Sentence: Must invent and master the D’Souzaphone, an instrument which emits not sound but literal bullshit, and he must use it to spray a version of Handel’s Messiah at next year’s Super Bowl while being whipped by Al Sharpton and Noam Chomsky.

17) Al Sharpton
Charges: Woefully unaware of the advent of audio amplification, Sharpton seems to think he needs to flub his blindly partisan lines at a volume that can physically travel from his studio to living rooms across the nation. With his weight loss, his shouting head appears to be gaining critical mass which may crush all credibility within MSNBC’s event horizon into a spaghetti thin drool that physicists theorize may spill out of Chris Matthew’s mouth in an alternate universe. What? I dunno! Drugs! I’m on drugs! But there’s no drug known to man that would make Sharpton morph into anything other than a bumbling, counterproductive party apparatchik (who’s only on this list because Martin Bashir is British and Chris Matthews is a hologram).
Smoking Gun: “…but resist we much… we must… and we will much… about… that… be committed.”
Sentence: Periodically bumping into Martin Bashir at the watercooler.

16) Alex Jones
Charges: A shower and shave away from doomsaying hobo, Jones makes a decent living off of his borderline schizophrenia. He “KNOWS” that every mass-shooting is staged by a global cabal who wants to steal your guns, global warming is a New World Order hoax, Beyonce flashed an Illuminati symbol which caused the Super Bowl blackout, and every other super-secret, unfalsifiable plot perpetrated by a shifting and shadowy “THEY”–who engineer society based upon the wishes of interdimensional elves with whom “THEY” confer using Satanic hallucinogens. Jones is the very “false flag” propagandist he claims to despise by diluting real concerns, such as drone strikes on American soil, with an endless stream of loonitarian logorrhea that makes David Icke sound like Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
Smoking Gun: Ancient cave paintings depict the Illuminati Anti-Christ as a quick-tempered, red-faced psycho with a bad hair cut…WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
Sentence: Medically fused to Piers Morgan at the hip, the two star in a TLC reality show called “Asshole & Asshole.”

15) Sean Hannity
Charges: Left the seminary upon realizing he could abuse, manipulate, and molest more people as a conservative broadcaster. The sneering, self-righteous poster boy for every right-wing nontroversy (see Benghazi and Fast & Furious), Hannity’s something of a Piltdown Newsman. One can easily imagine him a 19th century Boston cop, bashing brown folks and loving it. But in this age of media saturation, even bullies like Hannity must prostrate themselves and grovel occasionally at the feet of reality. After hyping Tucker Carlson’s black-cent “bombshell,” and then stubbornly realizing it was nothing, he had Fox’s resident melanin-haver Juan Williams join the panel to flog him. That way, Hannity cleverly avoided looking foolish.
Smoking Gun: Look at his jaw; he always seems like he’s about to bite someone.
Sentence: A return to the religious life; vow of silence.

14) Richard Mourdock/Mike Huckabee
Charges: Let these two troglodytes be joined in unholy matrimony, ruining the sanctity of this blessed list, because they’re both guilty of essentially the same inadvertently awesome crime–calling out God for being a frat-douche who impregnates via daterape and slaughters kids because he’s a jealous li’l bitch. Loathsome guys? Yes. Loathsome sentiments? Not really. The more these devout shmucks espouse the actual word and meaning of God, the fewer believers will remain, desperately clinging to an ancient fairy tale as their deceptive moral compass.
Smoking Guns: “And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.” & “Should we be so surprised that [our Godless] schools would become a place of carnage?”
Sentence: Respectively raped and smote by His Noodly Appendage.

13) Karl Rove
Charges: Hubris. A fledgling act of perception management, he cheered on Nixon when he was 9 years-old, and he’s become exponentially more depraved as the years went by. He weaseled out of Watergate investigations, turned Texas red, and crowned a vegetable president with dirty tricks. He sold an illegal war, stole an election, outed Valerie Plame and suffered no consequences save for power and money. Why wouldn’t he think his heavily funded Crossroads GPS–which he basically promised the Koch brothers would win them the election–could possibly fail in convincing Americans to elect a cardboard cutout who thinks he’ll become a god in the afterlife? Hubris. A hubris that unfolded on live TV during his epic election night Fox News meltdown. Incredulous. Shocked. He’d spent all the money. He’d done all the evil. What went wrong? Finally, milk was spilled, and Rove responded like a petulant toddler. And, lo, the schadenfreude was sweet.
Smoking Gun: “We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors…and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.” (2004)
Sentence: MMA cagematch with Joe the Plumber.

12) Joe Arpaio
Charges: “America’s Sheriff” (in the way rat vomit is “America’s Snack Food”) has a long history of racism, prisoner abuse, and protecting pedophiles, but last year his low-rent Wyatt Earp routine turned overtly cartoonish. In a blatant effort to distract from an investigation into his illegally misspending nearly $100 million on immigrant roundups and spying programs, Arpaio launched the “Cold Case Posse”–meant to finally expose Obama’s Manchurian Presidency. The citizen “posse” determined the President’s birth certificate to be fraudulent, and then, as you remember, Obama was removed from office and Arpaio was given the Golden Key to Fantasy City for not totally wasting everyone’s time.
Smoking Gun: “At the very least, I can tell you this, based on all of the evidence presented and investigated, I cannot in good faith report to you that these documents are authentic.”
Sentence: Imprisoned in a tent city, made to wear pink panties, stuffed with candy, disguised as a pig piñata, and beaten mercilessly by Edward James Olmos dressed as Captain Adama.

11) Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield
Charges: A rising star in the overcompensating closeted community, the “totally straight” Campfield authored the ultimately ill-fated “Don’t Say Gay” bill, banning Tennessee teachers from discussing homosexuality in schools. Now the state senator, who totally loves sex with “women,” is thrusting two deplorable bills through Tennessee’s legislative bunghole–one that would mandate school employees to out students they suspect are gay, and another to cut welfare to parents whose children are underperforming academically. The latter’s particularly frightening, considering Campfield’s contribution to academia has been to regurgitate claims made in the thoroughly debunked ’80s book And The Band Played On that HIV is nearly impossible to transmit through heterosexual contact, and that origin of AIDS was…
Smoking Gun: “It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, I believe, if I recall correctly.”
Sentence: Made to watch gay porn with a wired elastic band around his penis. If his member becomes engorged the band sensor trips a robotic hand which then squeezes the trigger of a gun pointed directly at his head. Out of the gun will pop a flag which reads: “We already know you love cock.”

10) Rush Limbaugh
Charges: The hardest-blowing blowhard in a media landscape littered with windbags. And he knows it. Every second of it. Every lie. Every distortion. Every racial and sexual dogwhistle, it’s blown through a smirk connoting he knows he’s the biggest, fattest, carnival-barking swindler of our bilious age, capable of conning millions into believing he possesses any principles beyond self-aggrandizing greed.
Smoking Gun: Just turn on the radio.
Sentence: Eaten alive by conflicted vegans.

9) Barack Obama
Charges: Best actor to ever occupy the White House, he’s both polarized and duped the entire nation through sheer charisma and melanin. While the batshit Right’s been calling him a dog-eating black-Mao anti-Christ who’s intent on crushing capitalism, sweeping in Sharia Law, and probably fucking your ivory-skinned daughter just to watch you cry, in reality he’s been the strong Republican they dreamed Romney could’ve been. He bombed the shit out of Libya without Congressional authorization, he flip-flopped like a trout on campaign finance, his healthcare reform was born out of the conservative Heritage Foundation, he’s prosecuted more whistleblowers than all previous executives combined, never closed GITMO, Wall Street is little regulated and booming as loudly as the guns that still sell like hotcakes, and for good measure he’s grabbed Bush’s baton of the unitary executive and sprinted toward dangerous legal precedents where he and future presidents have the extralegal authority to rain Hellfire missiles down on American citizens on American soil from flying fucking robots! If the Civil Rights Act marked the moment when Republicans stopped being the party of Lincoln, it’s this compromising-with-fascists administration that signifies when Democrats stopped being the party of FDR. But it’s all political, social smoke and mirrors. Up is down. Left is right. And what we get is a weak progressive majority, and prominent dipshit liberals like Bill Maher, supporting and defending a man they’d deride under more objective circumstances.
Smoking Gun: “You know, I suspect that, on Social Security, [Romney and I've] got a somewhat similar position.”
Sentence: Vaccine-resistant super-polio.

8) Dr. John Willke
Charges: A deserving replacement for Todd Akin, this actual medical doctor is the cerebral godfather and pro-life gatekeeper to not only an inconsequential Missouri also-ran but an entire generation of fucktarded conservatives who believe that women’s ova are protected from rapey sperm by tiny pit bulls and giant walls of ignorance. Having done absolutely no testing of his hypothesis, his National Right to Life Committee is rumored to start tackling tougher topics, such as the feminine vapors, whalebone corset disorders, and the dangers of sewing arousal.
Smoking Gun: “This is a traumatic thing — she’s, shall we say, she’s uptight. She is frightened, tight, and so on. And sperm, if deposited in her vagina, are less likely to be able to fertilize. The tubes are spastic.”
Sentence: So traumatized by the site of lesbian armpit hair, he’s no longer capable of digesting food with his spastic intestines. And he dies. Slowly. Science.

7) Joe Scarborough
Charges: A belligerent mansplainer whose self-parodying idiocy renders Stephen Colbert redundant. Of all the paleopundits who trusted their “gut” over basic math, Scarborough’s face bore the biggest election omelette. The beady-eyed mythbuster of a media meritocracy, Scarborough’s commitment to the Republican War on Reality makes even vanilla news-tumor Willie Geist seem like Walter Cronkite.
Smoking gun: “Anybody that thinks that this race is anything but a toss-up right now is such an ideologue, they should be kept away from typewriters, computers, laptops and microphones for the next 10 days, because they’re jokes.”
Sentence: Chosen to test pilot a space shuttle built by engineers who prefer gut instinct to mathematics.

6) Jennifer Rubin
Charges: WaPo’s Dershowitz in drag, she’d report you to the Anti Defamation League for so much as disrespecting a bagel, and imagines herself the blogging bulldozer to Palestinian legitimacy. Meant to satisfy conservative Post critics with the even-handed Washington Times Moonacy they crave, Rubin’s occupied literary territory mainly covered histrionic Arab-hating until branching out as Romney’s stenographer–even reposting campaign press releases to counter her own paper’s accurate reporting.
Smoking Gun: “Now wait a minute. Is this an act of anti-long hairism or anti-gay?”
Sentence: Encased in a giant block of ham.

5) David Barton
Charges: Armed with only a BA in religious studies from Oral Roberts University and the integrity of a serial rapist, pseudo-historian David Barton has successfully convinced millions of benighted Americans that the Founding Fathers debunked the theory of evolution a half-century before it was ever proposed, that the Constitution is a “verbatim” copy of Scripture, Jesus opposed a minimum wage, and that the Bible warns against net neutrality. He’s recently taken to defending the Second Amendment with an apocryphal story of armed, 19th century school children protecting their teacher which Barton apparently–not a joke–ripped off from a Louis L’Amour novel.
Smoking Gun: “… life begins before conception…”?
Sentence: Kicked in the balls by Doris Kearns Goodwin.

4) Matt Drudge
Charges: The Internet’s answer to William Randolph Hearst, his only credibility comes from one sperm-related scoop 15 years ago, and a surname that makes him sound like an old-timey muckraker. He’s the shamelessly hungry middle segment in the human centipede between GOP operatives and vapid talking heads, constantly swallowing and shitting a stream of propaganda that would make Goebbels cringe.
Smoking Gun: Falsely claimed Obama ditched Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to meet with a parrot-toting pirate in an eye patch. True.
Sentence: Breitbart sidewalk faceplant.

3) Paul Ryan
Charges: Compulsively lying, arrested adolescent Muppet whose sheltered mind is still blown by Atlas Shrugged and Stairway to Heaven. The Uri Geller of economics, he managed to bend the will of MSM patsies like Ezra Klein into portraying him as a credible policy wonk, rather than what he truly is: a two-bit illusionist who wants to disappear Grandma’s Medicare and Social Security money and make it reappear in the pockets of the rich wankers he secretly wishes would rape him in a rock quarry.
Smoking Gun: Even Fox News said Ryan’s RNC performance “was an apparent attempt to set the world record for the greatest number of blatant lies and misrepresentations slipped into a single political speech.”
Sentence: So inspired by Rand’s The Fountainhead, he buys a home designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. A slight rain causes the roof to collapse. A stout beam caves in his widow’s peak. His final, bloody gasp: “Ellsworth Toohey was right…”

2) Wayne LaPierre
Charges: As the NRA’s well-paid CEO of death (and thinly veiled fear of brown people), it’s his role to obscure the very basic fact that more guns equals more gun violence–by any cognitively dissonant means necessary. In the ’90s, he called federal agents jack-booted Nazis in a fundraising letter, yet in his preposterous Sandy Hook speech he implored Congress to post armed guards at every school in the nation. In pure Alex Jones fashion, he once accused President Clinton of needing a certain level of gun violence to justify the assault weapons ban–which the NRA was keen to shoot full of holes. Asinine rhetoric about gun-free zones advertising massacre, violent video games, TV and movies aside, it’s the annual multi-million dollar lobbying efforts painting Smith & Wesson as benevolent job creators which cows even alleged democrats like Harry Reid. And with two recent PR blunders–a commercial slamming Obama’s “hypocrisy” for having armed Secret Service agents protect his daughters, and a shoot-’em-up app marketed to 4 year-olds!–LaPierre came off more tone-deaf than the early audition stage of “American Idol.”
Smoking Gun: “There exists in this country, sadly, a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells and stows violence against its own people through vicious and violent video games.”
Sentence: Arms and legs shot off by a semi-automatic deer.

1) Mitt Romney
Charges: The first openly gaseous presidential candidate, his pandering could fill any ideological container. In Michigan, the trees were just the right height; in Israel, Jerusalem was their rightful capitol; and on Univision, the guy actually wore brownface! Trashing 47% of the country for being leeches was the only honest moment of his campaign. Just an outright charlatan whose private sector experience was in publicizing debt, but whose presidential race began with debt fearmongering. Basically, he would’ve told the American voters he’d kill Hitler with his time-travelling Mormon cock if he thought it would’ve played in Ohio.
Smoking Gun: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”
Sentence: Exiled to planet Kolob.

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  • pathman25

    Nicely done, sir.

  • Brian

    Love the list again this year. Bill Clinton deserves to be a lot higher than #27 to my mind, though… that DNC speech alone where among other things, he attacked Romney for wanting to roll back financial regulations surely qualified him for the Top 10, at least. So charitable of him to pretend to give a shit about the people who’ve had their jobs outsourced that he helped facilitate, and the victims of the financial disaster he helped lay the foundation for.

  • Beast_Fan

    Bravo, very nice job under the circumstances. I think the list actually got better as it progressed to the number one spot–Breitbart’s entry was especially funny. Happy Arpaio and Barton finally made it too.

  • Sportygal

    You should’ve stuck Teddy Nugent in there somewhere.

    • http://twitter.com/zoobidee Zubin D

      Totally!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=694250267 Mike Scarpiello

      Ted is gay. Gays were left off this list.

      • r€nato

        Ted is not cool enough to be gay.

    • http://twitter.com/MrsSheaWong shea wong

      I have a feeling he’ll easily make next years…

      • EastAsianNationalist

        I prefer all these people to liberals. And don’t use slut-shaming language, Ian.

        • bcarter3

          That’s because you’re a shameful slut.

        • http://buffalobeast.com/ admin

          Dear Chairman Mao,
          You would. And I didn’t. Rock on, Thundercat.

  • Blair

    Great work, yet again. I was hoping Harry “Mitch only hits me because he loves me” Reid would make the list, but I suppose his spineless filibuster deal happened in 201, not 2012. I shall look forward to seeing him on the list this time next year.

  • Blair

    *2013

  • http://twitter.com/tedmills ted mills

    Number 18: “An intellectual imposter whose career’s run the gambit”

    That should be “gamut”

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

      Thanks. You are correct, sir. I have changed it entirely. Ha.

  • SomeCallMeTim

    I agree with most of it, with one small caveat: Obama did try to close GITMO, but Congress blocked his executive order, so they at least share the heavy end of the blame on that one.

    • Grant

      Also, nobody’s ever done anything to suggest that we could use drones on American soil. There’s a big difference between blowing up a guy who went to Yemen to plan attacks on America and blowing up a guy in Idaho.

      • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

        You’re right: No one’s ever suggested drone strikes on American soil, but the authority to do so has already been legislated. The NDAA allows the President to classify American citizens (people living in this country) as enemy combatants, so we can be indefinitely detained or killed…with a drone, if that were the logistically wise military choice. This extralegal authority does exist. We don’t want boots on the ground in Yemen, so we use drones. We obviously have boots on the ground in America, so drones aren’t the natural murder weapon. An FBI sniper would do just fine. But I can imagine a scenario where a militia, deemed enemy combatants by this President or a future president, is holed up in some secluded wilderness and a drone strike would make strategic sense. Sorry to get all sci-fi dystopia on you, but this is both plausible and now considered “legal.” Frankly, this could already have happened, and if we don’t see evidence of this kind of thing within the next 15 years, I’d be shocked…considering our country’s depraved trajectory.

  • r€nato

    where is Ted Nugent? I demand a recount.

  • Dakota Frank

    39) Ann Romney
    Charges: Possible Cylon. I laghed my ASS off!~

    • http://twitter.com/dorkulon heathenish

      She’d be better looking if she were a Cylon.

  • http://www.facebook.com/FatGuyWithAKatana Gabe Ward

    god damn liberal chubby chaser.

  • http://twitter.com/TheIggies Iggies

    I lol’d

  • Burgleturdtheturgleburd

    I’m going to be honest, I probably deserve higher than just #32.

  • Jason

    Why was Paul Broun not on this list?

  • http://www.facebook.com/pfranson Paul Franson

    tl;dr: Ctrl-f “Bachmann” — 0 hits. Ctrl-f “Nugent” — 0 hits. Ctrl-f “Rand Paul” — 0 hits. Ctrl-f “Fred Phelps” — 1 hit, but it’s imbedded in the “Dan Cathy” entry.

  • http://www.facebook.com/VincentKV Todd Simmons

    Yeeeah, Rihanna is WORSE than the guy who beat her up. She’s such a lothesome victim.

    • Beast_Fan

      In fairness, Chris Brown never sang “Umbrella”.

  • fred lapides

    hey! what about my ex wife?

  • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

    FYI, I’m saving Nugent for the Most Loathsome Nugents list.

    • r€nato

      ‘human beings’ is not spelled n-u-g-e-n-t-s

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1461460506 Matteo Ferrazzi

    I don’t know this author, so someone please enlighten me: are all the spelling mistakes intentional?

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

      Hey, that’s me! Nah, I just suck at Engrish. Sorry.

      • ben_franklin_predeath

        How is 9/11 truther cowardly again? As far as I can see people hiding behind bad science (heat transfer) and even worse claims of over 1000 linked political “coincidences” in order to keep their fragile view of being oh-so-free is a little more cowardly than bucking the pop-culture skewed vision of reality in favor of information that is actually worked for rather than served on a television platter.

        • r€nato

          in Engrish, please.

        • http://twitter.com/dorkulon heathenish

          Shut up, dummy. Your bullshit is old and passe. Sandy Hook, now there’s a fresh new pile of stupid to jump into!

        • Killer Rabbit

          POMPEI WAS AN INSIDE JOB! IMPEACH EMPEROR TITUS!

          • r€nato

            I love you.

      • http://twitter.com/djbeema beema

        That’s not really an excuse, given that pretty much every program you could type in has built-in spellcheck these days. Did you just bang it out in notepad and paste it in to your cms without noticing all the wavy red lines that popped up under everything?

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1461460506 Matteo Ferrazzi

        ha, all right. I’m sorry, it’s just that the piece was so very well articulated otherwise. you have earned yourself a new fan

  • unmanned

    If only it were as simple as less guns equal less violence

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy
      • unmanned

        It’s not like gunsare a new phenomenon. They have been in our culture for decades. only recently have we had mass shootings clustered like this. This is a violence issue not a gun issue

        • r€nato

          it is only recently that mass killing machines have become so widely available. If anybody with a modest-ish amount of money can buy a mass killing machine, you will get inevitably get more mass killings.

          • unmanned

            Can you define mass killing machine? If you are talking ar 15 they have been available for over twenty years.

          • The Bean

            Perhaps the world has changed. Perhaps our culture has changed. Does it matter? The result is that people are using guns to kill other people with a frequency that we should find unacceptable. If the availability of firearms is now incompatible with our society, then perhaps firearms shouldn’t be available.

          • r€nato

            I see, you’re going to pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

            And then when I do name some sort of firearm, you will find some way to pick a nit over something or other so you don’t have to pay attention to the substance of anything I have to say.

            Thanks for playing, try again some other day.

          • unmanned

            I am just saying the new AWB isnt going to solve anything, we had one before and it didnt do anything. The features they want to bad are mostly cosmetic. Mass killings have been caused by both your mass killing machince and bolt action or double barrel shotguns. And your snarky end comment serves no purpose,

  • http://twitter.com/DMcShark Dick McShark

    …except the BATFE actually did run guns into Mexico, you dumbass.

    http://articles.cnn.com/2011-07-12/politics/atf.guns_1_atf-guns-mexican-drug?_s=PM:POLITICS

    BECAUSE I DISAGREE WITH OPINIONS I GET TO CHANGE FACTS HURRRRRRRRRRR DURRRRRRRRRR

  • http://twitter.com/RobinCArmstrong Robin Armstrong

    Paul Ryan quarry joke made my year! Stil beats all…

  • Beast_Fan

    Oh and in b4 butthurt conservatives complain about [insert non-American Communist dictator here] not making the list.

  • Bernie

    You’re a genius.

  • rikntx

    Brilliant. Could’ve changed the Sean Hannity entry to either “Everyone who works at Fox News” or “The Corporate Media”.

    Breitbart and Paul Ryan entries are especially humorous. Well done.

  • Sarah

    I think i might shove Karl Rove up to #2 and replace Aaron Sorkin with Nancy Grace. Other than that you nailed it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ricky.manis.3 Ricky Manis

    how old are you, ian murphy? 12? “awww, look maw. ian’s made a list of people he does not like.” what the hell?

    • http://twitter.com/dorkulon heathenish

      You must be new.

  • http://www.facebook.com/marthamuhfugginstewart Justin Buell

    Really? Penn Jillette? One of the nicest, most intelligent human beings on the planet… but because he’s a Libertarian (OH GOD, A NON LIBERAL!!! BURN HIM!!!!!) you bash him.

    Go fuck yourself.

    • r€nato

      it’s because he’s a ginormous dick who happens to be a libertarian

      the fact that his libertarian views are rather dickish, well, that says a lot about libertarianism itself.

      you have a great day too.

      • http://www.facebook.com/marthamuhfugginstewart Justin Buell

        I’ve never seen Penn act like a dick.

        You sounded more like a dick in this one comment than I’ve ever heard Penn Jillette sound in the 5 years I’ve followed him.

    • http://twitter.com/djbeema beema

      Yeah, because he only rags on Libertarians in this list…

  • http://twitter.com/myhandlerules T.S. Morrissey

    “Piltdown Newsman” is an amazing phrase. Thanks for that.

  • mizza

    I’m new to this yearly article: is Glenn Beck also a hologram? I would have put him as high as number 1, especially with his current Jonestown offer.

  • mandrellian

    Bonuses (boni?):

    You: for not fucking proofreading or even using a spellchecker. “Shread”? Dude, seriously.

    Me: for pointing out your shitty spelling.

    • Really?

      “Shear” is a word, a spellchecker would not have found it. Commenters whose wangs stiffen up when they get to point out a minor mistake are irritating. Especially when it’s an excuse to drop an f-bomb to impress all the dudes with their coolitude.

    • r€nato

      well thank fsm you were around to do that, we all know if there’s one thing the internet lacks it’s spelling nazis.

      here’s your gold star, please shove it up your ass.

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

      I know. Spelling is knot my thing.

      I appreciate you pointing out errors, however.

    • http://twitter.com/AlbanyCA Albany CA

      What’s wrong with boni, apparently you’re no overachiever.

  • Toddjohnson

    You missed Glenn Beck

    • http://twitter.com/djbeema beema

      I think the point to take away here is that there are too many loathsome pieces of shit to fit in to a top 50 list

    • bcarter3

      NOBODY misses Glenn Beck.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=580135273 Ash Entrikin

    Completely new to this annual list of burns, but I have to say I got a pretty good kick out of it. Wish I had the time on my hands to create a list of equal fervor, but I applaud your e.e. cummings-like annotations, preposterously-adjective-filled comments, and am in love with the Rush Limbaugh bonfire. Disagree with some notes, especially the no-gun-bias, but kudos! Thanks for the laugh :)

  • Nick

    You forgot Fred Phelps. That douche bag of westboro baptist church.

  • anuran

    No Jerry Sandusky or JoePa?

    • Adam Curry

      Was just about to post the same thing. They should have been #1 and #2.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ken-Scaletta/100000190608479 Ken Scaletta

    Love the Matt Drudge Human Centipede analogy. It’s perfect.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1000163649 Dale Hiway Settle

    “Sentence: Forced at government gunpoint to work as Trump’s hair illusionist.”

    I fell outta my chair over that one. Fuck a Penn Jillette.

    Somewhere on that list at least 5 times shoulda been every motherfucker who thinks that douche step is music and needs to be incorporated into every 3rd youtube video, commercial, or event in any country to give it a “social networking” edginess. Douche step is really, really bad noise and would sound far better underwater

    • dad

      whatever you say, grandpa.

  • DrZoidberg24

    would like to make suggestions for sentences I think more fitting
    50) Literally beaten over the head with hardback copy of “A People’s History of the United States”
    42) Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
    41) Golden Raspberry….used to give her enhanced interrogation.
    40) Shotgun Wedding to Rebecca Watson
    24) Julia Butterfly Hill pulls Monty Python Rabbit out of hat who proceeds to gnaw his arms off.
    16)Validation
    5) Held down by James W. Loewen and Stephanie Coontz, brains eaten by zombie Howard Zinn
    2) actually tries 2nd amendment remedies, sees inevitable results.

    Also, where the hell is Ron Paul, Ted Nugent, David Petraeus, or John Amato in all of this?

    • http://www.facebook.com/siefertma Mark A. Siefert

      “40) Shotgun Wedding to Rebecca Watson”

      ROTFLMAO!!!

  • BunnynSunny

    You forgot Jonah Lehrer, a loathsome journalist.

    • trer

      #49.

  • Greg

    I had no opinion about any Twilight sluts so I thought I better get one.
    I clicked on the first link provided when I googled “Twilight Sluts” which took me to an article in Huffpost. My brain melted about a third of the way through and I no longer have an opinion about anything. Thanks very much.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ken-Johnson/100000481681882 Ken Johnson

    Read this bullshit and I embarassed to say I didn’t realize it was someone’s dumbass attempt at thoughtful humor until I had read way too much. Idiot.

    • Gavin M.

      “Read this bullshit and I embarassed to say I didn’t realize it was
      someone’s dumbass attempt at thoughtful humor until I had read way too
      much. Idiot.”

      At which numbered entry did you begin to suspect that the piece was fancifully written? Here at Partisan Review, such reader complaints are taken quite earnestly.

      -Zombie William Phillips

    • http://twitter.com/AlbanyCA Albany CA

      Really, are you sure it isn’t sincere? Now I really feel duped.

  • DarthFurious

    Once again Ian, I must protest the fundamental inaccuracy of this list. I am quite clearly more loathsome than you are. After all, if I’m not, why did you fucking ban me for a year? Hmm?

    Oh, and congratulations on the new decor; if one isn’t careful, one might get confused and think they were on Matt Taibbi’s page and Rolling Stone.

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

      Mr. Furious,
      I never banned you. Maybe Bunting did? I wasn’t aware you were gone. Regardless, I’m more loathsome than you are due to the fact that I inaccurately stated that I am more loathsome than you. Air tight. Best.

  • http://twitter.com/Jaybird248 Jay Schleifer

    Where are Jim Dimint, Wayne LaPierre, Tim Scott, Mark Levin, Mike Savage, Glenn Beck, Ann “Look at my legs” Coulter, Tony Scalia and his hand puppet Clarence, and that obnoxious new face of The Execution State, Ted Cruz?

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

      Dear Jay,
      Yeah, why read before commenting? That’s SO 2003. I’m considering nixing this comments section altogether, so thanks for making the decision a little bit easier.

  • Adam Curry

    Good list, but Ted Nugent, Dave Mustaine, Jerry Sandusky, and Joe Paterno needed to be on it.

  • Cerberus79

    I’ve been asked by both Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter to inquire why they were both ignored after working so diligently to earn a place on the list. Were all their efforts for nothing? Obviously.

  • December27

    Even if I hadn’t otherwise enjoyed this rant (and I did), it was well worth reading for this alone:

    “loonitarian logorrhea” (16 – Alex Jones)

    Thank you *so* much! I’ll be on the lookout for an opportunity to use it in a sentence of my own.

  • Holy shit that sucked

    Sentence: Fuck You

    Charges: No fuck you. With rape AIDS. This is the laziest fucking thing I’ve ever read. And it isn’t even accurate. Bill Maher figured out a long time ago that not only is Obama a disappointment, but that Democrats are the new Republicans. His quote was “we have a party that’s just center of right and a crazy people party.” You wore out your “only person in the public eye to say 50 Cent sucks” credibility many years ago you faggot. Christ the Sandy Hook shooter isn’t even in here.

    A real sentence for you should be having your throat slit and the wound fucked by the troops. The aforementioned rape AIDS would also be cathartic. But it would be such a delicious irony to have Matt Taibbi come by, see what a horrible unfunny shithole this place has become, and shut your ass down with a class action lawsuit. Or better yet, the next guy to shoot up a school (and expect them to keep coming til a meteor hits the country folks, Sandy Hook opened up a the floodgates for every permavirgin with a gun and it ain’t closin) happens to have the name Ian Murphy.

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

      Dear Mr. Holy Shit That Sucked,
      I have to admit, you made me laugh at you a tiny bit. Well done. Bill Maher’s a woo-lovin’ schmuck who figured that out about four years after we did (as if this is the first time we’ve written about it!). And he still gave Obama $1 million. Go figure.

      Though I doubt it will register, I feel the need to inform you that “faggot” is not an insult. And definitely not between us, baby. We’ve always enjoyed each other’s bodies. Don’t fight it.

      I dunno, Patton Oswalt liked it. I trust his comedy opinion more than yours. No offense.

      Love,
      Ian

  • TheDevilsTowelboy

    24) Penn Jillette – “Featured on a not-so-secret list of sexist creepers within the
    skeptic/atheist community.”

    Uhuh. And what ‘secret list’ would that be? You wouldn’t just be circulating powder room character assassination gossip now would you? Is there a prominent atheist/skeptic that has expressed disgust at such lists that is NOT subsequently added to these lists? The godless demographic does not have a “sexist creeper” problem. It has a McCarthyist, populist lynch mob problem. I.e. it is being attacked in much the same way the gaming community is currently being attacked by gender feminist reactionaries – all modelled on the same successful smear tactics that have crippled the academic and corporate worlds for decades. Thanks for doing your bit to help.

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

      Wouldn’t you like to know. It’s not-so-secret. Confirming or disproving gossip is called journalism. I do that some times. Accidentally, even. Every demographic has a sexist creeper problem. I think the perception that the godless demo has a sexist creeper problem is a reflection of that fact, and a byproduct of some godless folk being honest about the still-pretty-sexist state of humanity–yes, even within the godless demographic.You know, all rational-like and whatnot. But you’re right: the corporate world is powerless against the ALL MIGHTY FEMINISTA REGIME. You’re welcome, Mr. Towelboy.

      • dad

        what is this list

  • Bob Jolly

    What’s awesome is that, in an article full of unexamined assertions of the ‘common sense’ righteousness of an unspecific call for some kind of gun control that will turn out to be completely ineffective because of, like, the Constitution (and I’m not even talking about the 2nd Amendment here), the Google Ads pasted up all over this article are pimping fear and machismo to me from the very same loathsome, fear mongering gun industry you rightly decry for all the wrong reasons. Hope you make enough to pay your bar tab from them.

    • http://twitter.com/Ian_Murphy Ian Murphy

      Specifically, I am going to take your guns away and melt them down to make a giant Maobama statue. And meh. If the NRA wants to buy me & Harry Reid a beer, we are totally powerless to fight it…because of that big statue. Cheers!

  • http://twitter.com/AlbanyCA Albany CA

    Well Ian, my only real problem with you is you are doing what I talked about doing and probably better than I could have done. I only hope you don’t beat me again by doing my next topic which I’ve been talking about doing for years. That’s the “Over-actor’s Awards,” a sort of anti-Hoscars thing that defines what we ought to do with people like Harrison Ford. I doubt I’ll talk to you if you do that before I get around to it.

  • http://twitter.com/AlbanyCA Albany CA

    Oh, and one other thing, I’m really surprised you didn’t save Obama’s speech pause/affectation thing as a separate category. It deserves to be listed as an impeachable offense and may surpass Bush’s all time douchebag annoying pronunciation of nuclear and other Dogberryisms. I bet you led your class in incompletes.

  • http://twitter.com/AlbanyCA Albany CA

    After much thought, my vote for the guy you missed big time is Chenk Uyger whose name is not only the most impossible to pronounce, but also has more balls in his mouth than he does in the air. He wins the award for desperately trying to articulate the “Progressive” agenda while not pissing all over the DNA. He’s still not convinced he’ll ever get back to prime time is willing to suck Chris Matthews’ toes for another shot.

  • Nunya Biznas

    Hey Ian…if you sat down and thought real real hard…could you conjure maybe one liberal with a little “loathsomeness” around the edges?

  • roman

    Chris Matthews deserved a spot based on his anti-3rd party voter rant alone,

  • not a gator

    Al Sharpton: not nearly as terrible onscreen as Ezra Klein. More human (as in, having a heart) too. I loathe Sorkin, should definitely be higher than #50. Probably higher than Romney. Props on the Clinton hate.

    So very entertaining. Penn Jilette and Mehmet Oz AND the loathsome Sam Harris. Yes. All that’s missing is the pied piper Dawkins, who was vile enough to concern troll a discussion about whether cornering a woman late at night in an elevator shows a distressing lack of game (btw, answer: yes) with a threadjack about women’s rights in the Muslim world.

  • http://www.facebook.com/siefertma Mark A. Siefert

    SORKIN!!!

  • neilinchicago

    How about the Archbishop of Los Angeles for all his work for his team?

  • mommadillo

    Murphy kinda phones it in this year, but Murphy phoning it in is still more entertaining than the best efforts of some so-called writers, so . . . .

  • Archives


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