50. Ryan Seacrest
Charges: The white man’s Casey Kasem. Catchphrase, “Seacrest out,” was so despised he was forced to drop it. “Dishes” stories. Approaching hosting ubiquity; may soon be on all television channels. An experimental super-soldier of the vanillification agenda, Seacrest emcees a weekly assault on good taste called “American Idol,” poisoning the minds of our children in a preemptive strike against decent music of the future. Ended the year being out-charisma’d by a stroke victim on “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2007.”
Exhibit A: “I am looking forward to being part of the E! team. This unique opportunity allows my company to take the next step in providing multimedia content.”
Sentence: Head permanently lodged in Brad Pitt’s ass.
49. Rich Lowry
Charges: At 38, National Review Editor and Hannity stand-in Rich Lowry still looks like he’s wearing a retainer and has a trapper-keeper stuffed with Red Sonja comic books. The tragic irony of Michael J. Fox’s life is that his breakout role as Alex P. Keaton inspired a million resentful Reagan-blowing nerds like Lowry to recast themselves as “rebels” against gathering threats like universal health care—and stem cell research. If a goddamn toothpaste company told lies like Lowry they’d be prosecuted. Founding member of the “it’s all Clinton’s fault” school of Bush apologists.
Exhibit A: As funny as cervical cancer, Lowry’s dusty old bag of shopworn Clinton/Kennedy jokes should be locked in a safe and thrown in the ocean to protect humanity.
Sentence: Locked in the same safe.
48. Gerald Ford
Charges: Precedent-setting cowardice; admitted to pardoning Nixon because they were friends. Enabled the sense of executive impunity that pervades the White House today. A bumbling doofus who inadvertently helped launch the diseased career of Chevy Chase. Strongly criticized the current administration on Iraq in a 2004 taped interview with Bob Woodward on the typically spineless stipulation it wouldn’t be released until after his death. Has become a burlesque reminder of American fealty and inability to speak truth to power while it might have an actual impact. Posthumous media flip-flop on the pardon highlights how sad and weak the press has become.
Exhibit A: Praised by Dick Cheney at funeral.
Sentence: Refused a pardon by Saint Peter.
47. Michael Musto
Charges: A friendly bacteria in America’s bloated entertainment entrails, giving vicarious life to that big brown celebrity baby we all waste countless hours coddling. Melon the size of an Olmec statue, yet not clever enough to elicit more than groans with his overwrought, nervous delivery of painfully unfunny puns. Motivated by transparent jealousy. Adds nothing in the way of meaningful criticism or analysis. Only serves to further propagate dysfunctional celebrity worship in our strangely hollow culture. Fond of wearing Cosby sweaters, which should only be worn by Cosby. Worst thing that’s ever happened to Keith Olbermann.
Exhibit A: In the subtitle to his latest book, Musto declares himself “The world’s most outrageous columnist.” Appears to think “outrageous” means “gay.”
Sentence: Unbearable testicle cramps every time he thinks the word “TomKat.”
46. James Carville
Charges: This unholy cross between Batboy and Terry Bradshaw has been vastly overrated as a political strategist based on the fact that he managed to win with the most charismatic Democratic candidate of the post-war era and a split conservative vote. In ‘06, Carville raged against his own obsolescence by blasting Howard Dean’s competence as Chairman of the DNC—immediately after Dean steered the party into majorities in both houses of congress as well as state legislatures and governors.
Exhibit A: Carville’s marriage to Republican uber-hag strategist Mary Matalin is the perfect symbol of the cynical two-party symbiosis, an open conspiracy which has robbed Americans of true democracy for decades. If he really gave a shit about politics, he would have strangled her years ago.
Sentence: Slow death by Polonium 210, administered by his wife.
45. Bob Woodward
Charges: The kind of jerk that’d steer a tour bus off a cliff, then charge every passenger 20 bucks to hear him scream, “We’re all going to die!” An unabashed chicken driven by deference to money and power; Woodward sits on stories of critical importance until they hatch into best-selling books. A mouthpiece of the status quo who sucks any way the wind blows. Practically choked on the biggest member of the administration in 2002′s hagiographic Bush at War, but when Bush’s poll numbers went irrevocably flaccid, he saw fit to drop the “classic Woodward bombshells” in State of Denial, although a number of the “bombshells” would have been more useful in 2004. A guy with such access to power that he’s become power.
Exhibit A: Says “rah-por-ting,” like an autistic robot.
Sentence: Sent back in time to 1971 for what he thinks is a casual chat with Richard Nixon; ambushed and severely beaten by Woodward & Bernstein.
44. Ben Gibbard
Charges: A dickless dweeb who makes nerf-pop for disaffected zombies. Gibbard’s bafflingly popular band, with the nauseous name of Death Cab for Cutie, specializes in flat, too-self-conscious-to-rock odes to numbness. Every album duller than the last, Gibbard saps the will of his unsuspecting teenaged (we can only hope) fans with dose after identical dose of sonic saltpeter in sexless, lethargic songs that perpetually seem like they’re about to get interesting until you realize that they’re over, sung in a voice that appears to be coming out of a mile-long nostril and played by musicians who sound like they’re checking their e-mail. Complicit in spreading the poisonous notion that hopelessness is cool.
Exhibit A: Gibbard is somehow poised for massive success without even trying.
Sentence: Roadie/guitar tech on Glass Tiger reunion tour.
43. Bill Gates
Charges: Became the richest man in the world through intellectual thievery, stealing Windows and every other software package he ever made a billion on. Microsoft’s internal slogan with regard to competitors is “embrace, extend, and exterminate.” As founder and co-chair of The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, he’s fighting global poverty and disease by investing in corporations that are the source of global poverty and disease. According to the L.A. Times, The BMGF has over $9 billion invested in companies whose activities contradict the foundation’s stated mission.
Exhibit A: So cheap he downloads pirated movies and still won’t pay for a decent haircut.
Sentence: Spanked in the Mall of America food court by Steve Jobs and the guys from Netscape.
42. Joe Lieberman
Charges: For a brief, shining moment in ‘06, it looked like the nation might finally be rid of this sniveling sitzpinkler, but Joe Lieberman just keeps coming back, like herpes. Now Lieberman is an unknown quantity and subsequently the most powerful vote in the Senate. Routinely scolds Democrats for “undermining” the president, whose balls have resided in Lieberman’s mouth since 9/11.
Exhibit A: “Our troops believe they can win, and that’s important.”
Sentence: Malfunctioning Connecticut-manufactured artillery shells coat Lieberman with white phosphorus at next Iraq photo op.
41. Ralph Reed
Charges: There’s a lot of good reasons to hate conservative Christians, but if we had to pick one it would be their willingness to support the most obvious charlatans that ever walked the earth—guys like Robert Tilton, Benny Hinn and Ralph Reed. Disingenuine from the start, Reed was busted for plagiarizing a Commentary article in a piece he wrote for his student newspaper titled—this is true—”Gandhi: Ninny of the 20th Century.”
Exhibit A: “I want to be invisible. I do guerrilla warfare. I paint my face and travel at night. You don’t know it’s over until you’re in a body bag.”
Sentence: Vengeful Indian casino developers slip Reed an envelope of small pox infested money
40. Alex Jones
Charges: A blustery schizoid moron who makes everyone near him look like an ass just for not punching him when they have the chance. False prophet of the lunatic fringe’s lunatic fringe, Jones has crafted a paranoid alternate reality incorporating every cockamamie conspiracy ever conceived, from the “murder” of Princess Di to “Atlantis was an inside job.” It’s all done by the Freemasons or the Bilderbergers, or something like that; politicians and world leaders who meet and perform secret satanic rituals, as if that would be worse than the things they really do in the light of day. Question authority, kids, but question raving maniacs too. We wouldn’t be surprised if Jones actually works for the Feds as an agent provocateur to make the left look stupid. Lord knows it worked on those “Loose Change” douchebags.
Exhibit A: The ultimate proof that Jones is full of shit is that he’s still alive.
Sentence: Abducted via black helicopter and detained indefinitely in secret FEMA internment camp where men in black ski masks insert microchips into his brain, just as he secretly wishes.
39. Lee Raymond
Charges: Bears the grotesque physical ugliness of an oligarch born pre-caricatured by Thomas Nast. Seriously, look at the guy; he’s a cross between Sloth from The Goonies and Jabba the Hut. CEO of ExxonMobil from 1999 to 2005, Raymond accepted a $400 million retirement package in ‘06, the largest in history. Currently serves as vice chair of the American Enterprise Institute’s board of trustees. Appointed by Bush to chair a committee to “lead” Americas Alternative Energy Future, which is oil-billionaire code for “hinder.”
Exhibit A: “In every aspect of life, including the economic dimension, we are always challenged to do the right thing. In many cases in the market system, which allows a great deal of latitude for human choice, people can get carried away to excess.”
Sentence: Ample chin blubber stretched over head and sewn to back of neck, forced to give every American $1.25.
38. Carlos Mencia
Charges: A German-Honduran who pretends to be Mexican so he can engage in jovial slurs about “beaners” and “wetbacks.” Repeatedly says “what?” and “no, I’m serious!” during his stand up routines, as if his audience is blown away by his tiresome retreading of age-old ethnic and gender clichés and his bellowing one-note delivery. Imagines himself to be some kind of envelope-pushing genius despite the fact that his entire body of work is a series of variations on the hackneyed “white guys do this, black guys do this” routine that has launched a thousand careers in stand-up mediocrity. What’s that you say, Carlos? Asians can’t drive? Gee, we’ve never heard that before. A well-known joke thief, Mencia can’t even write his own shitty, hackneyed material.
Exhibit A: Actual name is Ned Holness.
Sentence: Deported to Mexico.
Charges: A truly unremarkable “singer” who gained fame by courting controversy and flexing her once-attractive body. Wore out her shock value, among other things, a full 2 decades ago, yet won’t stop trying to rile baby-boomers with puerile symbolism. Dangling from a big plastic cross just isn’t edgy anymore, not even close. Married third-rate English film director and now speaks with atrociously fake British accent, like nobody’s heard her talk before. Purchased an African infant as a fashion accessory in a vainglorious case of celebrity see celebrity do. Fighting the aging process so furiously that she looks like an overly-muscled dude with a doughy ass. A Kabbalah “mystic,” which means she pays charlatans exorbitant sums to help her justify her psychotic egocentrism and total inauthenticity.
Exhibit A: Pitched to father of Malawian baby as “a very nice Christian lady.”
Sentence: During next Middle Eastern tour, vagina used as Koran dispenser.
36. Nancy Pelosi
Charges: Well before breaking the metaphorically clunky marble ceiling on the House floor, this Botox Bolshevik was betraying her supposed San Francisco values by sweeping the prospect of a well-deserved impeachment “off the table” and preemptively castrating the investigations she simultaneously promised. Anyone who thinks this brittle fundraising machine with the safest seat this side of North Korea is going to implement any ethics reform beyond the paltriest possible cosmetic gesture needs to lay off the medicinal marijuana. Pelosi’s reign in the House will be better than Republican golem Denny Hastert’s in the same way that gonorrhea is better than syphilis.
Exhibit A: Hasn’t debated an opponent in twenty years. A true Democrat, Pelosi literally has no balls.
Sentence: Crushed by falling chunks of broken marble ceiling.
35. Brent Bozell
Charges: Bozell, nephew of proto-conservative William F. Buckley Jr. and producer of the infamous 1988 Willie Horton ad, seems an odd choice for an arbiter of ideological balance in media, but that is the mantle he claims as head of the fraudulent “Media Research Center.” A perpetually offended McCarthyite censor, Bozell has no difficulty completely reversing himself depending on the political brand of whatever movie or TV show he’s addressing. In addition to his role excoriating any media deviation from GOP spin, this human blindfold also targets the best comedies on TV for satirizing religion and generally being too funny for his delicate constitution, as well as the best dramas for not being boring enough. If Bozell lived in ancient Greece he would have condemned Sophocles. Is often cited by “libertarian” conservatives who don’t understand their own free market ideology.
Exhibit A: Bozell’s Christianity is an implied endorsement of one of the goriest books ever written.
Sentence: Caught masturbating to “West Wing” DVDs by the entire editorial staff of Newsweek.
34. Barry Bonds
Charges: Literally a fraud through and through; a walking lie in flesh and blood. The idea that any coach, owner or MLB exec couldn’t tell Bonds was juicing when he pulled a slo-mo Incredible Hulk routine over the course of a couple of years, doubling his home run average at an age when most athletic careers are winding down, is a bad joke. So is the fact that the SF Giants are looking to get another year out of Bonds, now 42, three years after Bonds was exposed to the world as a chemical freak, and they don’t give a shit what he’s on. Record breakers fill seats, after all, even if they’re misshapen mutants. But don’t hate the game, folks; hate the player—especially one who gets busted doing speed and fingers a teammate, falsely or not.
Exhibit A: “It’s called talent. I just have it. I can’t explain it. You either have it or you don’t.”
Sentence: Liver tumors, jaundice, fluid retention, high blood pressure, shrinking of the testicles, reduced sperm count, infertility, baldness, development of breasts, paranoia, extreme irritability, delusions, and impaired judgment.
33. Pamela Anderson
Charges: A dead-eyed pneumatic cartoon who’s done more to distort the female body image than Barbie and Hugh Hefner combined. There’s a phrase for women whose breast implants are bigger than their heads: “Fucking revolting.” Selects her mates based on their level of childish helplessness and the size of their meat cannons and then acts surprised when they turn out to be violent, possessive assholes.
Exhibit A: “If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out.”
Sentence: Old age.
32. George Allen
Charges: We don’t know what was worse; the recently unearthed details of this Cro-Magnon halfwit’s lifetime of bigotry or his transparent “some of my best friends are macacas” denials. But worse than either is the sad fact that, after being exposed as a Dixie dunce who said “nigger” like it was going out of style (which it was), hung confederate flags on the walls of his home and a noose in his office, and stuffed a severed deer’s head in the mailbox of an arbitrarily selected black family, George Allen still came within a hair’s breadth of reelection. Maybe he should campaign in a white hood next time—you know, to rally the base. Insisted he’d never heard the obscure racial epithet “macaca” before, despite the fact that his mother just happens to hail from the only place in the world where it was ever commonplace.
Exhibit A: Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to call a dark-skinned kid who works for your political opponent “monkey” while he’s pointing a video camera at you?
Sentence: Point guard for the Washington Generals.
31. Cindy Sheehan
Charges: A massive failure as a parent, it literally took the death of a family member to elevate Sheehan’s political awareness to that of a self-righteous college freshman with pungent dreadlocks and a Che Guevara T-shirt. Might have actually made a difference if she had played to the image of a regular soccer mom and exercised a little message control. Runs with ‘Nam Vets, blurring the important distinction between forced conscription and volunteer suckers like her son Casey. In ‘06, Sheehan really jumped the shark by protesting the vulgar American occupation of Iraq with an equally vulgar All-American “hunger strike,” performing the most insincere and brand-conscious act of nonviolent resistance ever recorded: Two harrowing months deprived of all nutrition—except Jamba Juice smoothies, protein shakes and the odd ice cream latte, just like Gandhi. That’s not a hunger strike; that’s a diet.
Exhibit A: “I find traveling out of the country very challenging being on a fast. When I was on a layover in Madrid on my way to Venice, Italy yesterday, the closest thing I could find to a smoothie to get a little protein was a coffee with vanilla ice cream in it.”
Sentence: Starved to death.
30. Rush Limbaugh
Charges: It’s hard to believe this repulsive shit fountain is even human, until you remember that we share 70% of our DNA with pigs. Then again, to be any more hypocritical Rush would actually have to be a member of another species. After the Democrats took congress in November, Limbaugh said he felt “liberated” because “I no longer am going to have to carry the water for people who I don’t think deserve having their water carried,” essentially telling his listeners he’d been lying to them all year. The dittoheads didn’t mind; that’s why they listen.
Exhibit A: If someone had taken a shotgun and blown Rush’s head clean off while he was wobbling his bloated body back and forth in an inconceivably cruel mockery of Michael J. Fox, whom he accused of faking his Parkinson’s symptoms for political effect, it would have been the greatest viral video of them all.
Sentence: Parkinson’s disease, of course, triggered by oxycontin abuse.
29. Jesus Christ
Charges: May not have existed, and if he did, probably wasn’t even American, but more of a dark-hued Jewish dwarf. A hygienically challenged hairball who rarely bathed or brushed his teeth. If alive today, he’d appropriately be branded as schizophrenic and disregarded by society. Sermon on the Mount was the very definition of socialism, and subsequently an affront to the self-regulating benevolence of the free market. An appeasing, cheek-turning pussy like this would never cut the mustard in America today.
Exhibit A: Contrary to prevailing pop theology, absolutely everyone, including the sheepishly devout, will be “left behind” at the apocalypse and forced to endure what biblical scholars estimate to be from 3 to 7 years of “hell on earth” before scoring that golden bus ticket to the gated community in the sky. Kind of a dick move, no?
Sentence: Second coming completely ignored, as it happens to coincide with Brangelina’s wedding.
28. John Mark Karr
Charges: This bastard offspring of Mr. Rogers and a praying mantis apparently wasn’t getting enough credit buggering and beating Thai children, so he pretended he’d done something newsworthy: whacked a lil’ white beauty queen. Scored an all-expense paid vacation to California and Colorado before it was determined he never laid a pube on America’s postmortem sweetheart JonBenet Ramsey. Has spent entire adult life working with small children, suspiciously never staying in the same country very long. Likely could’ve legitimately confessed to a number of molestations; instead went for the holy grail of the pederast community, because he wanted to be a celebrity, not a prisoner.
Exhibit A: Flew executive-class on the 15-hour jaunt from Bangkok to L.A. dining on gourmet prawns and pâté, sipping beer, champagne and French chardonnay and leering at news cameras.
Sentence: Sex with a grownup, then executed for kidnapping the Lindbergh baby.
27. Suri Cruise
Charges: Terrible motor control. Deficient, tiny neck can’t even support the weight of her own head. Unable to fathom the causal nature of the universe, or any other remedial concepts for that matter, beyond vague urges of biology. Doesn’t speak English, as her brain is physically incapable of constructing the compound ideas that are prerequisite to language. Can’t even manage her own bowel movements. Relies on Scientologists to handle nearly all of her affairs. Snubbed Katie Holmes’ pert nipples, preferring L. Ron Hubbard’s newborn barely formula and the subsequent risk of botulism. Not what we’d have done—for health reasons, of course. Airbrushed to look like human Yoda on the cover of Vanity Fair. Inexplicably “spits up” without warning or apology. But don’t be fooled: it’s not “spit;” it’s actually puke.
Exhibit A: That smell!
Sentence: Raised by a latent homosexual and a brain-washed starlet, infant botulism, eaten alive on Pay-Per-View by Michael Musto.
26. Ann Coulter
Charges: It was a run of the mill year for Ann: openly calling for the murder of a Supreme Court justice and the entire staff of the New York Times, accusing 9/11 widows of “enjoying their husband’s deaths” and Bill Clinton of being a rapist. Coulter’s neck gained an amazing 3 vertical inches in 2006; inside sources attribute this to a strict regimen of deep-throating Satan’s scaly cock. It’s projected that by 2010 Coulter will be able to plagiarize the Illinois Right to Life Committee website more deftly than she did in this year’s ode to mindless intolerance of tolerance, Godless, simply by snaking her grotesque head-ladder through the ventilation ducts of their office and skulking away with their webmaster’s hard drive clenched firmly in her masculine jaw. Ann’s slipping, though; she’s become an unconvincing fascist parody, increasingly betraying herself in televised interviews, blushing at her own brazen idiocy. She’s faking it, and so are her tits.
Exhibit A: “Hi, I’m Ann Coulter.”
Sentence: Most “controversial” statements redacted from “Exhibit A,” as they’re a naked ploy for attention–-and Adam’s apple removed with a backhoe.
25. Deepak Chopra
Charges: Widely regarded by new age simpletons to be a font of wisdom, Chopra peddles a chutney-flavored weak anthropic principle based on the usual dippy claptrap about “universal energy” and a profoundly erroneous extrapolation of quantum physics. An accused plagiarist and sexual harasser, Chopra entreats his readers to abandon their silly religious traditions—and adopt his. Pitching a watered-down Hinduism as some perfect union of science and spirituality while supporting Intelligent Design and purporting to “prove” the existence of an afterlife, Chopra’s work proves only one thing: he’s just another mystical moron providing a psychic security blanket to soft-skulled suckers.
Exhibit A: Suggested a Middle East Disney World and Iraqi Nickelodeon to mollify their rage.
Sentence: Five years shoveling actual bullshit.
24. Glenn Beck
Charges: If the dumbing down of political commentary continues along this trajectory, the next pundit to make the grade will be a hyena. Even the leather-winged shouting heads at Fox News look like intellectual giants next to this bleating, benighted Cassandra. It’s like someone found a manic, doom-prophesying hobo in a sandwich board, shaved him, shot him full of Zoloft and gave him a show. What makes Beck special, aside from appearing to have derived his entire geopolitical outlook from a five-minute segment about Iran on “The 700 Club,” is the folksy “golly gee” manner in which he accuses his guests of collaborating with terrorists. At least Hannity and O’Reilly have the decency to act like bellicose pricks when they’re engaging in breathtaking cheap shots.
Exhibit A: “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up!’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.”
Sentence: Stripped bare, trussed like a turkey and airdropped into Waziristan with an apple in his mouth and an American flag in his ass.
23. William Jefferson
Charges: The only thing worse than a sleazy, thieving politician is one that gets reelected after being exposed for the turd he is. Filmed taking a suitcase full of money from FBI agents and busted with 90 large in his freezer, William Jefferson’s corruption case is the most clear-cut in American history. But in Louisiana, where bribery is an extreme sport, it’s all good apparently. “Dollar” Bill’s reelection disproves any supposed moral or intellectual superiority of Democrats.
Exhibit A: Received a standing ovation from the Congressional Black Caucus upon reelection—what the fuck is that?
Sentence: Gutted by OJ Simpson.
22. James Frey
Charges: It only makes sense that an infantile, semiliterate, cliché-humping fabulist would become a best-selling author in a country that only reads books to keep Oprah off its back. But Frey’s “memoirs,” which would be pamphlets if they weren’t padded with grating faux-poetic repetition, are stuffed with poorly worded fabrications as obvious, artless and awkwardly self-aggrandizing as an adolescent geek’s tales of his “girlfriend from Canada.” Every hackneyed detail is transparently designed to engender sympathy and admiration, and above all to convince us he’s not gay. Frey’s success is just another sign that people will believe anything, so long as it makes them feel good and doesn’t challenge them intellectually.
Exhibit A: “I take responsibility for who I am. That’s what I’ve always done. That’s who I am. I would be a liar if I didn’t.”
Sentence: Chopped into a million little pieces. Feet first.
21. Donald Trump
Charges: It’s grotesquely symbolic of the free trade era that one of the country’s favorite TV shows features a megalomaniacal tycoon putting people out of work. A man so profoundly insecure that he has to erect massive buildings with his name on them to compensate and sports the world’s most ridiculous combover, Trump’s popularity is the clearest imaginable proof that Americans value wealth over decency and bravado over character. Can’t seem to stop shouting, no matter what mood he appears to be in.
Exhibit A: Trump further indicated his profound inferiority complex recently, when he couldn’t even let a daytime talk show comedienne make fun of him without launching a major PR campaign to call her fat.
Sentence: Gold-plated alive.
20. Flavor Flav
Charges: Fondly remembered as the loopy jester of the world’s most serious hip hop act, this monofaceted neo-minstrel landed a career in public debauchery on VH-1 when Chuck D’s threadbare coattails finally gave way. After spending two years publicly chasing a gargantuan Danish lush, Flav decided to seek love in the traditional way, by plumbing the depths of human depravity on the most cynically trashy dating show in a field of strong contenders for that title. “Flavor of Love” is a contrived, exploitative confirmation of every racist and misogynist stereotype regarding gold-digging ghetto hoes and stoned, groping deadbeats you never heard, setting the civil rights movement back several years, prompting Public Enemy to issue a disapproving disclaimer, and causing our staff to reconsider the first amendment.
Exhibit A: “You’re blind baby, you’re blind from the facts on who you are, ‘cause you’re watching that garbage.”
Sentence: Locked in a room with a clone of himself.
19. Steven Milloy
Charges: It’s a pretty fucked up world in which a falsified memoir of drug addiction can spark widespread outrage, but a lawyer and registered lobbyist posing as a science expert can take money from Exxon Mobil and Phillip Morris to spread blatant lies without repercussion. Milloy, writing under the ironically accurate title of “junk science expert” for foxnews.com and at his own website, junkscience.com, is in the business of dismissing any and all alarming scientific studies about, well, anything—global warming, secondhand smoke, livestock diseases, pollution, insecticides, guns—employing statistical sleight of hand and relying on the ignorance of his readers. Like fictional “climate expert” Michael Crichton, Milloy warns us against evil “environmental extremists” who deliberately trick us into fearing global warming just to increase their funding. The theory seems a little shaky, considering that there’s a lot more to be made lying for oil, tobacco and chemical firms like Milloy.
Exhibit A: Three days after 9/11, Milloy took the opportunity to argue that the buildings collapsed because of asbestos regulation.
Sentence: Fed alive to emaciated polar bears.
18. Mel Gibson
Charges: If there was any question after the belligerent Jew-bashing Passion of the Christ, Mel’s 2006 Malibu pogrom proved once and for all the anti-Semitic apple doesn’t fall far from the Holocaust-denying tree. Hyperbolically claimed that “Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world,” when everybody knows Jews are only behind 60% of armed global conflicts, tops. In ’06, graced the world with yet another predictable sadomasochistic snuff film in Apocalypto, which amounts to a 2 hour 19 minute torture scene from Lethal Weapon (or Payback, or Braveheart)—in the jungle, in Mayan, sans Murtaugh, with a pinch of “those savages deserved to be conquered” and a generous helping of male buttocks. Believes in ghosts. Paved the way for Michael Richards.
Exhibit A: “The Holy Ghost was working through me on this film, and I was just directing traffic.”
Sentence: In charge of cleaning tears off Wailing Wall—with a Q-Tip.
17. Tony Snow
Charges: A soft-spoken scoutmaster with the obfuscatory skill of a Jedi car salesman. After years defending the Bush administration’s worst excesses on “Fox News Sunday,” Snow’s job transition to White House Spokesman consisted solely of getting directions to the new office. Very first answer at very first press briefing was a lie, containing that old stonewaller’s chestnut, “we will neither confirm nor deny.” Snow’s vast ignorance greatly enhances his ability to appear to believe the bullshit he emits for a living—he thinks evolution “is pure hypothesis,” that black/white disparity in America has “all but vanished,” and that the Baker-Hamilton report is “partisan.” This kind of willful denial of reality makes him a much more sophisticated protocol droid than his monotonous predecessor.
Exhibit A: “Helen, the President understands that you cannot win the war without public support.”
Sentence: Hugging electrified tar baby.
Charges: Your whole life has been a pitiful exercise in rote mimicry, a meek subjugation of individuality in exchange for herd approval. Your delusions of “common sense” wisdom stem from an unwillingness to seek information and an inability to critically analyze it. You never hesitate to offer strong opinions on subjects you don’t know a damn thing about. You’re willing to believe anything a guy in a suit says on TV, as long as it doesn’t hint at your culpability in the negligent homicide of your country and planet or otherwise cloud your streak-free conscience. You’re more worried about friction on the “Desperate Housewives” set than the lack of health coverage at your tedious, soul-destroying job. You have no idea what is going on in the world, and you’re fine with that. You are why democracy doesn’t work.
Exhibit A: You’re Time magazine’s person of the year. So was Hitler.
Sentence: More of the same.
15. James Dobson
Charges: Hey parents! Is your boy a bit…you know…fashion conscious? Is your daughter a little too…mechanically inclined? Well, not to worry! Your Tomboy–or Nancyboy–can still develop into a fine, upstanding, internally conflicted and miserable heterosexual, if you just follow the advice of twisted fundie shithead James Dobson. Meticulously avoiding the glaringly obvious fact that no child would choose to be gay, Dobson offers instructions on how to steer “pre-gay” kids right into the closet. Nothing triggers our gaydar like a guy that devotes himself to “curing” homosexuality, especially one that warns that same sex marriage “will destroy the earth.”
Exhibit A: “As it turns out, Mr. Foley has had illicit sex with no one that we know of, and the whole thing turned out to be what some people are now saying was a — sort of a joke by the boy and some of the other pages.”
Sentence: Massive dildo falls out of pants leg onstage at the next “Justice Sunday” event.
14. Britney Spears
Charges: Boozy celebrity bimbos are replicating at an alarming rate these days, but the difference is this bilious tramp has two doomed children, both cursed with the warped ribonucleic helices of a beer-chugging swamp princess with a defective larynx and a lucky low-rent wannabe hustler who may actually be the more responsible parent. Spears’ marriage to a universally detested embarrassment to humanity was trashy in two flavors: showbiz in its brevity and trailer in its impressive babies-per-year output. But the worst thing about their unholy matrimony is that we ever had to know who Kevin Federline is. His fame is entirely her fault, and her fame has by far outlasted her initial perverse schoolgirl/jailbait appeal.
Exhibit A: If Britney had shown the world her bald crotch four years ago, it would have caused widespread rioting and possibly a national holiday. Today, even Madonna thinks it’s gross.
Sentence: Thrown from an airplane with a parachute that will only open if she can hit the high E above middle C.
13. Donald Rumsfeld
Charges: So obsessed with Iraq he forgot all about the Klingon bastards who caused 9/11 and are still partying down in Pakistan. Rummy’s government/industry revolving door MO is rigorous and has provided him obscene wealth. Armed with nothing but a CEO’s natural egomania and a willingness to compare his critics to Nazi appeasers, Rummy expanded the role of the DoD into realms of intelligence gathering, propaganda and torture. Only redeeming factor is that his refusal to resign helped lose the midterm elections for the Republicans. To this day, Rumsfeld is admired as a genius by people who find conceit alone to be evidence of genius.
Exhibit A: “I’m not into this detail stuff. I’m more concepty.”
Sentence: World peace.
Charges: Overweight, drug-addled nihilist swine with huge egos and no journalistic ethics who hold the world and our readers in general contempt because the kids were mean to us in high school. Crapping on everything and offering no solutions. Lamenting environmental destruction without so much as recycling. Juvenile, chip-shouldered, bridge-burning snots on a self-destructive mission to offend the planet. In 2006, we had the bad taste to proposition the First Lady of Buffalo, successfully rig an NHL playoff series; unapologetically mock the 5-year anniversary of 9-11; irresponsibly reprint the Danish Mohammed cartoons; crash a Scientology party on hallucinogens; and disrespect people of all religious persuasions at every opportunity. What the hell is our problem, anyway?
Exhibit A: In this list alone, we’ve trashed a dead man, a grieving mother, Jesus, and a helpless infant. Only included ourselves as blatant act of self-promotion and to stymie would-be critics.
Sentence: You’ll rush to subscribe to our new monthly magazine, damning us to a life of hollow success and eventual assimilation into the Time-Warner empire. Order now!
11. Ted Haggard
Charges: Owner of Colorado’s most popular apse. Believes and preaches demonstrable falsehoods to the willfully ignorant. The quintessential hypocrite; Pastor Ted gives queer meth freaks a bad name and makes drug-dealing prostitutes seem like shining beacons of credibility by comparison. A born-again self-deluder who vainly tried to use religion as a magic force-field against natural human desires. Typifies the now-cliché evangelical method of obsessively condemning homosexuality in a thinly veiled act of self-loathing and compartmentalized denial. Haggard’s been cruising Colorado Springs area gay bars for years in search of men to “save,” and baptized many. As the leader of the 30-million strong National Association of Evangelicals, Haggard had a weekly meeting of the morons with the Cokehead in Chief, yet for all his riches he never figured out that quality cocaine is far superior to crystal meth.
Exhibit A: “We don’t have to debate what we think about homosexuality – it’s in the bible.”
Sentence: Leviticus 20:13.
10. Jack Abramoff
Charges: An amoral uber-bully who saw morality as an unnecessary obstacle to success and congress as an easily gamed system of constitutional subversion, Abramoff ushered in the era of rules-are-for-losers politics. Abramoff fronted for the South African government in the ‘80s, funneling cash to apartheid-friendly members of congress in the US, as well as writing and producing 1989′s unintentionally hilarious Rambo-for-dummies bomb Red Scorpion. Eventually, Abramoff pulled off scores of confidence, bribery and money-laundering schemes that were only remarkable in their utter shamelessness—Abramoff playing one side of a dispute while equally black-hearted coconspirators like Grover Norquist and Ralph Reed took the other, fabricating a dispute and splitting the money—something like starting a war just to sell guns to both sides. With dictatorial toad Tom Delay in his pocket, Abramoff’s power to stall or grease legislation for his sleazy clients was near-absolute and shockingly cheap, although not quite as cheap as the invertebrate journalists he paid to change their opinions. All that Abramoff’s public disgrace tells us is that a Washington crook has to exhibit satanic levels of arrogance for decades before anyone decides to take him down—so if you’re just a minor demon, you needn’t worry.
Exhibit A: A political sociopath from birth, Abramoff was disqualified for cheating in an election for student body president—in elementary school.
Sentence: Forced at gunpoint to use his evil skills to organize massive donations and subsequent electoral victories for the Green Party. Scalped by Native Americans; skull used as an ashtray at a $25 blackjack table.
9. Ken Lay
Charges: Infuriating karmic immunity. Even when, after many years of foot-dragging, someone finally got around to holding this slimy reverse Robin Hood accountable, he still managed to elude justice and rob his victims yet again, this time of punitive damages by dying with suspiciously perfect timing. Never owned up to any culpability in the myriad legal and ethical violations at Enron, claiming he had no knowledge of them. Even if this were true, Lay would still rank among the worst CEOs in history for sheer obliviousness.
Exhibit A: “We don’t break the law.”
Sentence: Drinking a martini in his bathrobe and reading the Wall Street Journal at his secret compound in the South Pacific, the “late” Mr. Lay starts choking on an olive when the 400th major daily article to describe his life as “Shakespearean” makes him laugh out loud. Lay falls out of his chair, impaling an eyeball with the stem of his glass and catching his penis in a $900 toaster. The electrical current triggers the long-dormant prefrontal cortex of his now-smoldering brain, suddenly activating Lay’s conscience. As he is slowly and painfully electrocuted over several minutes, Lay experiences a lifetime of guilt and remorse. Then he catches fire.
8. David Horowitz
Charges: A former lefty radical who has devoted his life to prosecuting his former self, Horowitz now specializes in making enemies lists and persecuting intellectuals for “liberal bias,” usually in the form of criticism of Israeli or American policy. Like most fascist converts, Horowitz sees disseminating information as an act of treason. His favorite targets are university professors he declares enemies of “academic freedom,” because nothing is more dangerous to a neocon than someone who actually knows what they’re talking about. Horowitz also targets Hollywood’s nefarious scheme to craft entertainment that audiences find appealing, founding the Center for the Study of Popular Culture to push his brand of regressive revisionist propaganda on unsuspecting viewers. Apparently, for this Marxist-turned-Machiavellian, affirmative action is a great idea when applied to the media.
Exhibit A: In June, Horowitz warned his readers of a “grave threat to American security”—the New York Times travel section, for running a piece on Rumsfeld and Cheney’s summer homes, which was approved by the Secret Service.
Sentence: Drafted, shipped to Iraq, kidnapped by terrorists who convert him to Islam, released, captured and tortured to death by US contractors.
7. Randall “Duke” Cunningham
Charges: A shameless, filthy monster of corruption. This “hero” inspired Top Gun, but cried like a little bitch when he was finally busted for being a wanton congressional prostitute. Holds the record for most bribe money accepted by a representative in the history of Congress. Literally wrote up a bribery “menu,” listing sums to be paid for defense contracts: 10% for the first few million, with discounts for more. Lived on a yacht called the “Duke Stir” that was paid for by a defense contractor. Cunningham steered a contract aimed at protecting U.S. troops from IEDs in Iraq to the guy who let him have champagne ‘n’ hooker parties on his boat, trading the safety of American troops for a sweet after-prom party.
Exhibit A: Started a shoving match with a Democratic congressman over sending troops to Bosnia, then ran away and was found crying in the coatroom.
Sentence: Shanked by fellow inmate using “Randy ‘Duke’ Cunningham Fighter Ace Kalinga Style Buck Knife,” complete with the Congressional seal on it, sold illegally through his website for $595.
6. Dick Cheney
Charges: The dark master of the White House, Cheney strikes fear into the blackest of hearts. Only surfaces occasionally to nod and grunt at a reporter from Fox News, the only station he ever sees, before returning to the White House boiler room to continue planning the apocalypse. Almost certainly ignores everything Bush says. Vindictive and secretive to the point of absurdity, Cheney has his heart set on total global hegemony, and doesn’t really care if you know it.
Exhibit A: How evil does a guy have to be for his buddy to apologize for getting shot in the face by him?
Sentence: A 30-year vacation at Gitmo.
5. O.J. Simpson
Charges: “If” we were compiling a list of, say, “The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2006,” purely in the hypothetical of course, we’d be remiss not to squeeze The Juice in somewhere. Simpson’s gruesomely detailed, revoltingly coy confession of multiple homicide in the nixed If I Did It may have finally lost him the supportive denial of even his most alarmingly loyal fans. 2006 saw O.J. finally give up the exhausting search for the real killers and focus his energy on more thoroughly demonstrating his lack of remorse or respect for his victims. The project was so repulsive it was cancelled in a rare victory of decency, answering the old question: “How horrible does a person have to be for Rupert Murdoch to balk at doing business with him?” Simpson also starred in a candid camera pay-per-view special called “Juiced.” In one of the gags, he tried to sell people his infamous white Ford Bronco, saying, “It was good for me — it helped me get away.” Sidesplitting.
Exhibit A: All that DNA evidence still works for us.
Sentence: Number removed from Buffalo Bills’ stadium wall and replaced with his naked, crucified body.
4. Mark Foley
Charges: In a year filthy with miscreants masquerading as moral authority, the former Congressman’s well publicized sexual advances toward clearly freaked out underage male pages still stood out like an erection in sweatpants. As pure smokescreen or a way to meet victims, served as co-chair of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. Another homosexual deviant who’s besmirched the good name of normal, respectable fags.
Exhibit A: “Maf54 (7:58:37 PM): well I have aa totally stiff wood now… Maf54 (8:01:21 PM): i am hard as a rock..so tell me when your reaches rock… Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake… Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me… Maf54 (8:09:04 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”
Sentence: Castrated and forced to coach high school wrestling.
3. George W. Bush
Charges: This spoiled, whiny pinhead is, regrettably, responsible for the nauseating fiasco he’s made of America and the world. Employs an effective strategy of creating so many deplorable scandals that it’s impossible for anyone to keep up, guaranteeing that most will slip by with little notice. Has managed to staff the entire federal regulatory system with obedient corporate drones intent on destroying it from within. More concerned with the fate of discarded embryos than the actual humans being shot at from both sides in an idiot war he conned us into. Is clearly annoyed to be president at this point. Dumber than Paris Hilton and almost as popular.
Exhibit A: “The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany.”
Sentence: Trapped in a library with no picture books.
2. Richard Mellon Scaife
Charges: The patron saint of rich radical right wing fuckheads. Thanks to a massive fortune bequeathed to him by his superior ancestors and an unhinged reds-under-the-bed paranoia, hateful billionaire Scaife has deluged the worst elements of conservative opinion ghettos with cash, creating an evil empire of artifice. If you’re a malicious prig who can’t distinguish between Democrats and Stalinists or you’re just an amoral mercenary asshole, hang around long enough and Scaife will give you a million dollars. Take a whiff of any breathtakingly cynical PR shitbomb fired at a Democrat since back when the Clinton impeachment was just a gleam in his eye, and you’ll detect Scaife’s noxious aroma. If it’s a fascist think tank with a deceptively benign name or an out and out attack machine with a story about Barack Obama and a dead underaged hooker, you can bet the house that Scaife is the shadowy son of a bitch behind the operation. Since illegally financing Nixon’s campaign in 1974 ($990,000 in $3,000 checks to 330 front organizations), Scaife’s given hundreds of millions to every major bullshit factory in America—The Heritage Foundation, the American Enterprise Institute, the Arkansas Project, Accuracy in Media, the Media Research Center, GOPAC, the Cato Institute, the American Spectator, Newsmax and a hundred others, as well as a significant fraction of the other names on this list. More than any other individual, this black hole of integrity is responsible for the alarmingly powerful network of phony experts and coordinated liars devoted to tricking you into voting against your own self-interests in service of the richest people in the world—like Richard Mellon Scaife.
Exhibit A: Scaife once dispatched a reporter from his comically Orwellian Pittsburgh Tribune-Review to Northern Pennsylvania to follow up on a “tip” that Russian soldiers had invaded Alleghany National Forest.
Sentence: Drowned in George Soros’ excrement.
1. John McCain
Charges: The most consistently mischaracterized politician in the country, even McCain’s most nakedly self-serving machinations are universally hailed as the bold moves of an independent maverick who really, really, like, cares, man. By virtue of his five-year stay at the Hanoi Hilton and a completely ineffectual campaign finance reform bill (which was itself only PR damage control for his long-forgotten role in the Keating Five), McCain has so successfully snowed America that he could go around kicking puppies all day and he’d be applauded for his authenticity. In reality, McCain is as phony as slimeballs come, having reversed his positions on Roe v. Wade, Bush’s tax cuts, the gay marriage amendment and Jerry Falwell in the last year alone, while the mainstream press looked away and whistled nonchalantly. Keeps changing the number of additional troops he thinks should be sent to Iraq, in hopes of extending the disaster beyond the next presidential election, so his decorated veteran status will still be relevant.
Exhibit A: “I hated the gooks, and I will hate them for as long as I live.”
Sentence: Back to the bamboo cage.
Written by Allan Uthman & Ian Murphy
with contributions from Jacob Drum & Josh Bunting
Illustrations by Ian Murphy
e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org