"Totally coup, yo."

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans, 2007

Jan

10

by

50. Nicole Richie

Charges: Not a brick house. Not mighty mighty. Vastly easier than Sunday morning. Her criminal exploits, attended by hollow contritions, do inestimable harm to drug legalization efforts; while inexplicably adding nothing to the forced-sterilization debate. Quite possibly a reason the terrorists hate us.

Exhibit A: “I’ve just gone through so much in my life that pulling my top up just doesn’t seem like that big a deal.”

Sentence: Sealed neck-high in the outhouse foundation of a popular Mexican Spring Break destination. Jaws propped open.

49. Trent Lott

Charges: Old school Dixiecrat segregationist who switched parties along with Strom Thurmond back when Democrats decided to be nicer to black people. Retired from the Senate early to dodge a new law that mandates a two-year wait between retiring from congress and becoming a lobbyist. That, and the dirt that Larry Flynt has on him.

Exhibit A: Was in the “Singing Senators,” a closeted a cappella group, with John Ashcroft, Jim Jeffords and Larry Craig — not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Sentence: Accidentally lynched by blind neo-Nazis.

48. Carson Daly

Charges: Otherwise too banal for derision, Daly, who cut his shmuck-teeth warming musical Similac for tweens on MTV, acted as Writer’s Guild strike breaker by returning to air without them.

Exhibit A: We didn’t know his show employed writers.

Sentence: Forced to appear nightly on The Carson Daly Show.

47. Mike Huckabee

Charges: What’s worse, a calculating politician pretending to be a devout Christian, or a genuine heartland preacher who didn’t come from no monkey? Huckabee is both — a Southern Baptist who rejects Darwin, wants to give everyone a gun and thinks people with AIDS should be quarantined, and a seedy, corrupt politician who’s never seen a payoff so low he won’t stoop to pick it up. Democrats see Huckabee as easily defeated in a general election, but they shouldn’t be so sure — Smooth talking preachers tend to do well in this country. Huckabee is well-spoken, kind-faced, and the opposite of worldly — he’s Obama for hicks.

Exhibit A: “I got into politics because I knew government didn’t have the real answers, that the real answers lie in accepting Jesus Christ into our lives… I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ.”

Sentence: Just as he’s about to win the GOP nomination, a freak gust of wind catches Huckabee’s excess skin and carries him out over the Atlantic, where he drifts for hours before God appears to him, tells him He’s a Unitarian, and sends him to hell.

46. Judith Regan

Charges: Has done more to debase the written word than Tom Friedman. Defiled an apartment intended to house overworked 9/11 rescuers, just so Bernard Kerik could plumb her putrescent shallows. Contentious working relationship with OJ Simpson ended with her throat disappointingly uncut.

Exhibit A: ReganBooks’ roster of “authors” included Rush Limbaugh, Robert Bork, Jenna Jameson, Jose Canseco, Janice Dickinson, John Gibson and Sean Hannity. Apparently, Dracula and the Wolfman had prior obligations.

Sentence: Death by a thousand paper cuts.

45. David Gregory

Charges: The notion of his insight rests entirely on his striking resemblance to a shrewder, more beloved Dr. Zaius. Starchier than a peep booth wastebasket, Gregory’s occasional faux-outraged exchanges with various White House press secretaries have established his reputation as a man unafraid to confront the big scandals — once they’ve been well mainstreamed by better reporters. Managed to slip by the Valerie Plame scandal completely unnoticed, though Ari Fleischer testified to leaking Plame’s CIA status to Gregory three days before the infamous Novak column ran. His absurd, overcompensatory assurance that he has “no problem with being tough” notwithstanding, his penile-cleft haircut — much like the warning coloration of venomous reptiles — betrays his true poisonous nature.

Exhibit A: No dignified reporter would be so visibly happy filling in for Matt Lauer on The Today Show.

Sentence: Quartered by horses.

44. Hugh Hefner

Charges: Not dating three vacuous sluts for the articles. Brazenly attempting to mainstream necrophilia. An erstwhile icon of virility now forced to marshal every faculty in maneuvering, giraffe-like, his quavering, prehensile lips for contrived smooches with his surgically altered concubines, sharing in common with them only arrested adolescence, and probably some pretty sweet coke.

Exhibit A: Idles morbidly like an octogenarian Zelig on the periphery of every “Girls Next Door” publicity event, ogling dementedly and trying to suppress the faint horror of his impending incontinence.

Sentence: Viagra ban.

43. Sherri Shepherd

Charges: Perfectly illustrated the Creationist’s level of intellect when she declared her disbelief in evolution, and was immediately stumped about the shape of the earth, explaining her ignorance was due to the fact that she was too busy feeding her children to acquire rudimentary knowledge about… well, about anything, presumably. Further compounded her astonishing lack of basic knowledge when she authoritatively declared that Jesus Christ came before the ancient Greeks, and that she didn’t think “anything predated Christians.” Judging by these statements, Sherri probably thinks there are dragons on the other side of her desk.

Exhibit A: Accurately reflects the intelligence of her viewing audience.

Sentence: Pushed off the edge of the earth.

42. Bud Selig

Charges: His version of “The Island of Dr. Moreau” is even worse than John Frankenheimer’s. The baseball commissioner who succeeded in making football the indisputable, insufferable national pastime. Followed up the fan-alienating cancellation of the 1994 season and World Series — the first year without since 1904 — by studiously ignoring (along with the rest of management and tens of thousands of San Franciscans) his players’ mutating proportions. A true, blue-blooded hypocrite, Bud reaped undeserved praise for omissive stewardship, and untold profits for his fellow owners, on the back of his grotesquely augmented super-soldiers, and now wants to pretend he’s shocked about it.

Exhibit A: An irretrievable coward, Selig skipped Barry Bonds’ record-breaking home run game in San Francisco, “congratulating” the slugger by phone. Fair-skinned Viagra pitchman Rafael Palmeiro remains uncharged for lying to congress about his steroid use.

Sentence: Designated BP hitting tee for Giants; denied medical attention over 162 games.

41. Chuck Norris

Charges: Only famous for knowing Bruce Lee. Churning out puerile “action” bilge for 30 years. Skill as martial artist greatly exaggerated. Kitsch value wearing thin. Total Home Gym®. Walker, Texas Ranger once let a little girl battle armed gangsters, because she had the power of belief in God. Doesn’t understand evolution, despite access to mirrors.

Exhibit A: Campaigning for Mike Huckabee.

Sentence: Roundhouse kick from Charles Darwin.

40. Lou Dobbs

Charges: Obvious, intensifying xenophobia and distrust of the yellow and brown races, possibly exacerbated by Mexican wife. Whatever useful message Dobbs once had about economic populism and the deleterious effects of globalization and cheap labor on American wages has long been tainted by his obvious animosity towards foreigners, specifically Mexicans and the Chinese. Every installment of his hour-long broadcast on CNN is dominated by reports about the “menace” of foreign imports, be they illegal immigrants crossing “our broken borders” to spread disease and rape our women, or poisonous products from “communist China.” Proof that Dobbs is a venomous yellow journalist shithead can be seen in his reaction to media criticism of a segment on his show in which it was erroneously reported that there had been a sudden upsurge in leprosy cases, totaling 7,000 in just three years, the source of which was a lawyer who had also said in speeches that Mexican immigrants tend to molest children. In truth, there had been 7,000 cases of leprosy in the past thirty years. Dobbs was confronted several times with this fact — first he strongly defended his numbers, then strongly denied ever having used his numbers. A real journalist admits his errors. Dobbs is an ass.

Exhibit A: Sharply criticized the use of Mexican flags in immigrant demonstrations, then denied the obvious double standard of that comment by going on to say that he would have the same problem with Irish flags at the St. Patrick’s Day parade, and, in fact, that he was against St. Patrick’s Day. Yeah, sure, Lou.

Sentence: Stuffed with Green Cards; turned into amnesty pinata.

39. John Boehner

Charges: A Tom Delay disciple of shameless hypocrisy, Boehner won’t stop weeping openly on the House floor — real crying, from his tear ducts. It’s not passion; it’s the pathetic noontime inebriation of an obvious, documented alcoholic. Job title, “Minority Whip,” is ironically hilarious. Bound by ideology to destroy nation.

Exhibit A: His name is Boner.

Sentence: Afflicted with voodoo hex that makes him cry poisonous spiders.

38. Stephen Moore

Charges: Mo Rocca’s evil twin and founder of the election-law-breaking PAC Club for Growth, Moore’s the Wall Street Journal’s most brazen corporate apologist and free market sycophant, who’s trotted out on TV to manicure the invisible hand every time it chips a nail squashing the poor.

Exhibit A: “If you don’t want to buy a Chinese toy, don’t buy it at Wal-Mart. But you know why people buy these things? Because they’re cheap and, for the most part, they’re pretty good products.”

Sentence: Given low-wage job test-licking all Chinese imports, incurs brain tumor, has epiphany about consumer choice and income, then more brain tumors.

37. Mitt Romney

Charges: America’s first clip-art presidential candidate, Romney is a strange mixture of game show host looks and android charm. A true flip-flopper, Romney’s ability to turn on an ideological dime is unparalleled, but his excuses are so inauthentic that even Republicans have trouble suspending their disbelief.

Exhibit A: “You can’t have freedom without religion, and you can’t have religion without freedom.”

Sentence: Strapped to the roof of his family car, which his dog attempts to drive across the country, but crashes horribly (because dogs can’t drive, of course). Romney’s flesh burns off in the ensuing fire, revealing him to be a standard protocol droid set to world domination mode. Narrowly edged out of primary race by Huckabee.

36. Master Chief

Charges: Unquestioning cybernetic super soldier of Halo 3′s futuristic virtual dystopia; lacks free will and a face. Feature article treating him as a cultural phenomenon in Time magazine marked a low point for both franchises. Stupid name.

Exhibit A: Joint-marketed with Mountain Dew “Game Fuel” in a major coup for diabetes industry.

Sentence: Stop loss, a tour in Iraq.

35. Tim Russert Charges: Mountainously inert, he explained his failure to verify the Bush administration’s prewar claims with other government officials by lamenting, “I wish my phone had rung.” Smirks defiantly at his own humorlessness. Has held the most visible and secure seat in political media for over 15 years without once mustering the courage to call his guests liars. Impossible to watch him interview any woman on “Meet the Press” without fearing he’ll suddenly waggle his sinewy tongue, Jabba-like, and beslobber her.

Exhibit A: Self-mythologizing non sequiturs such as “Look, I’m a blue-collar guy from Buffalo. I know who my sources are.”

Sentence: Life as an actual blue-collar guy from Buffalo, i.e. a call center drone in North Carolina.

34. Joe Francis

Charges: The “brain” behind Girls Gone Wild, a series of videos documenting the decline of American civilization, Francis is the Ray Kroc of tit shots. A whinging, muppet-faced, juvenile smut-peddler who obtusely compares his artless, homogenized flesh surfeit to “European television,” he proves daily that alcohol is the original date rape drug, and still the best. Has sapped flashing of its spontaneity, transforming it into merely another sad, numbing cultural reflex. Makes one guiltily long for the days when puritanism forced more gifted pornographers to exercise restraint.

Exhibit A: Pathologically entrepreneurial, he reputedly exhorts his cameramen by shouting “I want taco!”

Sentence: Cast as lead in first mass-market snuff film.

33. John Hagee

Charges: A fat, submoronic pastor who is literally trying to bring about the end of the world, Hagee is the leader of the peculiar movement of Christian Zionism, whose basic plan is to get Israel full control of Jerusalem, setting the stage for world war and Armageddon, so Hagee and his flock can ascend to heaven while the Jews, Muslims (especially the Muslims) and everyone else can suffer and die in the wreckage. But lest you get the idea Hagee is an earnestly insane man of the cloth, it turns out he’s also paid himself in the millions, first from his non-profit TV station, which he cleverly turned into a tax-exempt church. So maybe Hagee is just another charlatan, but his message is still the most dangerous he could possibly preach.

Exhibit A: “I deserve every dime I’m getting.”

Sentence: Banished to hell for being a shitty tipper.

32. The Founding Fathers

Charges: Lionized as moral pillars and demigods ad nauseam without the slightest hint of irony. Can’t be judged by today’s standards. Electoral College? Dumb fucking idea. Invoked by every asshole in the last two hundred years to support every stupid idea ever. The original liberal elite. Able to withstand lightning strikes and the British military; unable to fathom poor people voting.

Exhibit A: Owned wigs, Africans.

Sentence: Depicted as cartoons on rapidly devaluing currency; beaten at effective democracy by former monarchies.

31. Dana Perino

Charges: In a nation weary of White House press secretaries who feign ignorance, the Bush administration took an innovative step this year, appointing one who genuinely doesn’t know anything. No more lies, America — Dana Perino really can’t answer your questions, honest! This slightly comely, over-promoted office wench not only didn’t know what the Cuban missile crisis or the Bay of Pigs even were; she actually thought it was a funny story to tell on NPR.

Exhibit A: “This is an issue where I’m sure lots of people would love to ridicule me when I say this, but it is true that many people die from cold-related deaths every winter. And there are studies that say that climate change in certain areas of the world would help those individuals.”

Sentence: Sent back in time to ’62; Strapped to bottom of U2 spy plane for extreme history lesson.

30. Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman

Charges: Shocked a handful of innocents and turned into self-recriminating chum for Sean Hannity with the revelation that a redneck bounty hunter is-gasp!-a racist. Looks like an extra from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Married to a silicon-based life form. When a guy’s own son intentionally destroys his career, you know he’s got to be a singular fuckhead. Played at extraordinary rendition this year; got arrested for trying to physically extradite a Mexican national.

Exhibit A: “I’m not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I’ve worked for for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine.” Yeah, ’cause not saying “nigger” is just out of the question.

Sentence: Neutered, dewormed, given to Michael Vick’s buddies for sparring practice.

29. Dinesh D’Souza

Charges: Wrote a book blaming 9/11 on — who else? — liberals, because if we didn’t live in a free society, then fundamentalists wouldn’t dislike us so. Even conservative nuts blasted D’Souza’s empathy for poor al Qaeda. Lately, he’s been engaging prominent atheists in debates, revealing himself to be a pseudointellectual ass, and then declaring victory. D’Souza’s master plan for attacking atheism is the ridiculous Pascal’s wager: Atheists could be wrong, and then they’d go to hell, but if the religious are wrong, then they suffer no ill effect — aside from living their lives in delusion, of course. And possibly going to someone else’s hell for believing the wrong religion. D’Souza seems to think that if he speaks more loudly and rapidly than his opponent, he is winning, but his arguments are weak and idiotic, and he never even attempts to truly debate the existence of any god, which is the ostensible point of these debates. Instead, he likes to compare body counts — Stalin and Mao killed more than the religious leaders of their time — rather than actually debate whether there is a God, or for that matter a Jesus. This, of course, is because there is no case to be made.

Exhibit A: “[Atheists] are God-haters… I don’t believe in unicorns, but then I haven’t written any books called The End of Unicorns, Unicorns are Not Great, or The Unicorn Delusion.” But what if everyone you met did believe in unicorns, and not only that, but worshiped a unicorn, held a book about unicorns to be the divine truth of the universe, invoked unicorns in political contexts, and speechified about how non-believers were indecent people waging a war on morality, which could only be predicated on the unquestioning belief in unicorns? Then, maybe, D’Souza would think about writing that book. But of course, that’s not really true, because if that was the world we lived in, then Dinesh D’Souza would believe in unicorns.

Sentence: Spanish inquisition.

28. The Troops

Charges: Rubes, the lot of ‘em. Come back all fugly. They keep telling John McCain they want to win. They need so much support, it’s clingy and sad. Matching outfits? Kind of gay.

Exhibit A: Too cheap to buy their own body armor.

Sentence: Walter Reed.

27. Britney Spears

Charges: Never was talented; now she’s not even pretty. Look, it’s okay to say someone’s getting chunky when the only reason she was ever famous was her ability to make people horny. Let’s face it: fat Britney don’t sell units. In the end, it doesn’t bother us that Britney is human wreckage, what bothers us is that she is always, always on television being wreckage. What the hell is with this media trend of hounding the sickly until they finally expire? It’s not interesting; it’s not informative; what it is is a sick shot in the arm for people who hate themselves and revel in the misfortune of others — and, ahem, that’s just not our thing. We don’t care if she shaves her head, or shows her snatch, or turns up in a dumpster. It’s just too easy to kick this rapidly frumping swamp slut while she’s on the nod and not even pretending to care that her kids are being taken from her. In the immortal words of that fucked up youtube queen, Leave Britney alone!

Exhibit A: And this goes for all you fucked up superstar bimbos: You’re rich, bitch! Get a fucking driver! Then you can knock back all the oxy you want and wash it down with Grey Goose, and nobody will arrest you. Get it? Sheesh!

Sentence: Obscurity, children returned.

26. William Kristol

Charges: Bears the burlesque Cheshire grin of a sophist born with a large silver spoon jammed sideways in his mouth. A second generation neocon raised in the tradition of Straussian perception management and myth creation, Kristol is basically lying about everything — always — and he knows it. Whether at the helm of Rupert Murdoch’s Weekly Standard, appearing on Murdoch’s Fox News Channel, or co-founding the disastrous Project for a New American Century, Bill is arguably the most egregious media hawk of a generation. Seems to have suffered no ill impact to his career or prestige despite having been completely wrong about everything to do with Iraq and Iran, and actually laughs about it with obnoxious frequency.

Exhibit A: “First of all, whenever I hear anything described as a heartless assault on our children, I tend to think it’s a good idea. I’m happy that the President’s willing to do something bad for the kids.”

Sentence: Corners of mouth torn apart by metal hook towing mules and face stomped by high-heeled elephants.

25. Mormon Jesus

Charges: Least plausible Jesus. We heard his brother is the devil — OMG! Won’t even let his flock have a cup of coffee in the morning — what a jerk. As with any celebrity comeback, lacks the oomph of the glory years. Won’t stop baptizing dead people from other religions, which they generally don’t appreciate as much as he thinks.

Exhibit A: Loves Mitt Romney, Harry Reid, and Glenn Beck. And magic long johns.

Sentence: Interrupted during the game by Mormon missionaries.

24. Deryk Schlessinger

Charges: As enlistee son of holier-than-thou guru/right-wing physiologist and faux psychologist “Dr.” Laura, maintained a MySpace page so clearly venting the kind of homicidal and misogynistic psychopathies of service in Afghanistan that an Army spokesman had to baselessly imply that it was the work of “our enemies” just to slow a well-deserved backlash. An eager war pornographer, he produced and captioned a series of images and cartoons illuminating the disturbing inner viciousness his acting out it is our patriotic duty to ignore.

Exhibit A: “Yes FUCKING Yes!!!I LOVE MY JOB, it takes everything reckless and deviant and heathenistic and just overall bad about me and hyperfocuses these traits into my job of running around this horrid place doing nasty things to people that deserve it..and some that don’t.”

Sentence: Simulated drowning, followed by actual drowning.

23. Bill O’Reilly

Charges: If judgmentalism were sugar, anyone in the same city as this paragon of intellectual overconfidence would lose their teeth within five minutes. O’Reilly is everything that’s wrong with America: Won’t ever admit he was wrong about anything (and will lie repeatedly rather than correct himself), accuses all who disagree with him of treason or insanity, attacks all who criticize him, and glories in his own troglodytic bluster. Anoints himself an authority on morals, despite common knowledge that he is a sexual harasser. Pretends to be an “independent” who just happens to look, sound, and act exactly like a Republican. Hasn’t engaged in a valid exchange of ideas in his entire career, because he knows he’d be crushed in seconds by an average college freshman. O’Reilly wins by interrupting, shouting, and if all else fails, cutting off his opponent’s microphone. A tiny, scared child of a man.

Exhibit A: “And this is what white America doesn’t know, particularly people who don’t have a lot of interaction with black Americans. They think that the culture is dominated by Twista, Ludacris, and Snoop Dogg.” Gee Bill, where would they get that idea?

Sentence: Marinated, barbecued, and served at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem, where the blacks eat just like real people.

22. David Petraeus

Charges: Two-star schlub elevated to four-star cheerleader, because all the experienced generals retired out of shame or dignity. Under Dave’s leadership training Iraqi security forces from 2004-05, the Pentagon lost track of approximately 30% of weapons distributed, including some 100,000 AK-47 assault rifles. “Petraeus Report” rife with statistical manipulations, discounts pre-surge trends, claiming them as its own, and was heavily vetted, if not written entirely, by the White House.

Exhibit A: Nicknamed “Peaches.” Seriously.

Sentence: Joins Sadr army, betraying us and vindicating Moveon.org. Shot in back of head, so his death can’t be counted as a casualty.

21. David Vitter

Charges: And yet another family values Republican and Clinton-basher gets his glass house blown in. A staunch marriage defender and abstinence promoter who paid $300 an hour for his favorite hooker? The only surprise there is that he’s still hanging around the Senate, but then again, he did say he was sorry. Denies evolution, yet was still compelled by his primate DNA to spread his seed far and wide.

Exhibit A: According to some, Vitter was nicknamed “the shitter” by Canal Street whores for his predilection for diaper play. Wholesome!

Sentence: Wife follows through on that Lorena Bobbitt comment she made during the Lewinski scandal.

20. Larry Craig

Charges: This year’s eminent toe-tappin’ conservative queen of hypocrisy. Thought the Defense of Marriage Act was FABULOUS! — because he personally needs legislation to keep him straight. Didn’t work. Brought unwanted knowledge of the intricate culture of anonymous gay public restroom sex into America’s living rooms. Embodies both the cause and result of faith-based sexual repression. Insists on dragging out the least plausible public denial of buggery since Liberace’s, presumably for the benefit of his frozen-smiled, slowly maddening wife.

Exhibit A: “I am not gay. I never have been gay.”

Sentence: Stoned to death.

19. Robert E. Murray

Charges: A modern-day Boss Tweed who saw the Grandall Canyon mine disaster as his own personal tragedy, weeping for the cameras while he tried to cover his ass in the most ridiculous way imaginable, insisting his mine collapsed due to an earthquake that somehow went undetected by seismologists, rather than the corner-cutting, cash-wringing, dangerous practice of retreat mining. This bloated, maniacal jackass is so out of touch that he didn’t seem to recognize the horrified disgust on the faces of the miners’ families he coddled for the cameras, as if they weren’t real people to him, just props in some insane, ego-driven PR campaign to minimize his financial liability. A caricature of industrial greed.

Exhibit A: Says Al Gore is “more dangerous than global warming.”

Sentence: Buried upside down in anthracite until death, while Donald Trump stands next to his feet and gives hourly speeches about how much he cares about it.

18. Kevin Martin

Charges: Before attempting to Chairpig the FCC into a realm of media consolidation that would’ve made Sylvio Berlusconi blush, Martin served as Deputy General Counsel for the Bush-Cheney 2000 Florida recount team, and prior to that as Ken Starr’s assistant and Dick Cheney’s lawyer. Judging by his appearance today, he must have passed the bar at twelve. Like a good Bushie, Martin is doing everything he can — which is a lot — to increase corporate control of the media, moving to allow newspapers to own radio and TV stations despite constant exhortations from everyone but Rupert Murdoch not to do so.

Exhibit A: When he’s not busy crushing independent media, Martin crusades against America’s true enemies: Tits and the word “fuck.”

Sentence: Asphyxiated in cloud of Monsanto-produced poison his Newscorp-owned local news station failed to report. Death also unreported.

17. Hillary Clinton

Charges: Began in politics as a teenage Nixon supporter — that’s twisted. Moved on to corporate law, representing Wal-Mart and bravely defending Coca-Cola from disabled employees. Married out of ambition. Failed miserably as the first lady of health care. Has spent whole of senatorial career as a hawk and a panderer. Would have no shot at becoming president if she didn’t just happen to be married to one already.

Exhibit A: Has deftly avoided the flip-flopper label — by never, ever answering a question directly or committing to a position in the first place.

Sentence: Victim of vast right wing conspiracy to shove a brick up her ass.

16. Chris Matthews

Charges: Calling his show “Hardball” is like rechristening ping-pong “Thermonuclear Warfare.” Displays the slurred, unmodulated speech and unfocused antagonism of an aggrieved middle-management drunk. Can read a scurrilous political attack into any paragraph at twenty paces. Continues honing his pointless questions as his guests attempt to answer, cutting them off with an affected imperial weariness when their responses are insufficiently inane. Apparently ignorant of the implications of satellite technology, Matthews shouts louder at geographically more distant guests. Has repeatedly called Ann Coulter “brilliant.” Referred to Gerald Ford’s yuletide demise as the former president’s “Christmas card to the country.” Unable to laugh like a normal human, Matthews compensates by simply shouting “ha!”

Exhibit A: “This country is based on generalizations!”

Sentence: Hillary’s White House Press Secretary and personal toilet steward.

15. Michael Ledeen

Charges: Alex Jones with influence. Achieved every pushcart conspiracist’s dream, finding a sympathetic ear, over three decades, in the highest echelons of government, for his deranged ambitions of conquest. Hirsute and cockeyed, he still looks like he sleeps in his car. A former Iran-Contra functionary and tied to the Niger yellowcake forgeries which set both the Iraq war and the Valerie Plame debacle in motion, he now has a jingoistic hard-on for Tehran the size of a tactical nuke. One of many who now pretend they didn’t advocate invading Iraq, but Ledeen’s denial is utterly laughable, as he had been pushing for the invasion vociferously for years.

Exhibit A: “The only way to achieve peace is through total war.”

Sentence: Let him eat yellowcake.

14. Glenn Beck

Crimes: If Fox News isn’t quite asinine enough for you, just click on over to Headline News, where the CNN brand is eagerly defiling its vestigial credibility by giving an hour a day to the dumbest dumbfuck in dumbfuckistan, Glenn Beck. A white-knuckle, dry drunk, closet case man-child with apparent xenophobia issues and a penchant for end-times theology, Mormon convert Beck is palpably horny for the apocalypse, passive-aggressively accusing even the world’s most benign Muslims of plotting America’s destruction and likening withdrawal from Iraq to slavery. Beck’s combination of faux everyman persona and deliberate misinformation — The hottest year on record was 1934 (actually 2005), tax cuts increase revenue (patently false Reaganomic mysticism), Antarctica is cooling, Scooter Libby went to jail — seems increasingly insane, as his whole persona seems to be a frantic pantomime of how he thinks an even-keeled, “smart” bigot would act. Thinks Al gore is “like Hitler.” May actually be in love with the president of Iran.

Exhibit A: “I don’t know if the Muslim community will ever step to the plate like the Japanese-American community did during World War II. You know, it was absolutely disgraceful how we rounded innocent people up then and, sadly, history has a way of repeating itself no matter how grotesque that history might be. The Muslim community can prevent this if they act now.”

Sentence: Anchored to the Florida shore, Beck is forcibly compelled to vigorously deny the gradual rise of water levels around him as boats full of gay, Marxist Muslim illegal immigrants arrive and disembark nearby. Eventually, after two decades, Beck drowns.

13. Anne Coulter

Charges: A skeletal freak who hates the world and lives to anger people into buying her books. Says Jews need to be “perfected,” as if Christians are in better shape. Is against her own right to vote. Called John Edwards a faggot, when really he’s just a little swishy. Is about as sexy as a praying mantis. If Coulter were a man, she’d never be allowed on TV.

Exhibit A: “Faggot isn’t offensive to gays; it’s got nothing to do with gays.”

Sentence: Forced marriage to Osama bin Laden.

12. Michael Vick

Charges: Abusing, strangling, electrocuting and murdering a promising NFL career — and some dogs. Reinforces noxious stereotypes about both jocks and black men. Inspired Whoopi Goldberg to express an opinion.

Exhibit A: Makes millions for throwing ball, decides to invest in gambling on dog fights. How much dumber do people get than this?

Sentence: Slathered in barbecue sauce and set loose naked in a PETA-operated shelter for vicious dogs.

11. Harvey Levin

Charges: Managing leech of TMZ.com, the Time Warner-AOL crap-fest. Slithered over to TV this year-to fill the demand of a culture craven for meaningless celebrity antics and snapper shots. Celebrities aren’t the problem; the fact that you know about their daily minutia is. In other words, Levin is the problem.

Exhibit A: He’s rich because you’re stupid.

Sentence: Marriage to non-airbrushed Britney Spears.

10. Alberto Gonzales

Crimes: The most truckling, amoral flunky to ever serve as Attorney General. A jurisprudent organelle, he manifests no concept of the law independent of its expediency to the president. Would smilingly accuse himself of providing material support to al Qaeda at President Bush’s request, hurriedly plead guilty, sign his own death warrant and flip the switch himself. His testimony before congressional committees is to public service what cholera is to the small intestine. As first Hispanic Attorney General, Gonzo typifies the self-betrayal and ethical compromise necessary for minorities to become successful Republicans. Been felching sweet approval from Bush’s lily-white ass since Texas. A conscienceless, memo-drafting, loophole-crafting liar for hire, pushing for all the worst administration policies, including nixing habeas corpus, denying and then defending rendition, torture, political firings, and a ton of other evil stuff. He even visited a seriously ill and disoriented John Ashcroft at the hospital, attempting to coax him into reauthorizing a clearly illegal wiretapping program. The only Attorney General who ever could have made John Ashcroft a sympathetic character by contrast.

Exhibit A: “The fact that the Constitution — again, there is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away.”

Sentence: Death by dull guillotine, head bent by Beckham.

9. You

Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism — it’s nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for Britney Spears’ children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you’re going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” You think the government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter. You think two parties is enough. You can’t spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don’t want to die. You think lowering taxes raises revenue. You think the economy’s doing well. You’re an idiot.

Exhibit A: You couldn’t get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn’t cover. You deserve it, chump.

8. Michael Chertoff

Charges: Looks and acts like a man who sleeps in a coffin. As the head, or should we say skull, of our latest redundant security bureaucracy, the Department of Homeland Security, Chertoff used 2007 to further Rumsfeld’s purportedly defunct policy of “Total Information Awareness,” ordering U.S. military satellites be trained on American soil for first time in history. Beyond that, DHS seems to function as a corruption farm, spending billions on programs that either don’t work or are never implemented, often lobbied for by former DHS employees. If the terror threat really is as dire as Chertoff says, then he is criminally negligent.

Exhibit A: Habitually references his “gut feeling” that the next terror attack is imminent.

Sentence: Gut feeling is actually stomach cancer.

7. Erik Prince

Charges: Priming Baghdad’s streets for American imperialism by making them pristinely wog-free. Prince’s Iraq is one massive free-fire zone for his bullet-sweating mercenaries, a Hogan’s Alley in which everyone dusky is blithely expendable, rape is a mischievous dalliance, and accountability an inside joke. Remarkably, enabling the US occupation and simultaneously fomenting destabilizing enmity. Bringing the privatization of warfare to full fruition — next time, Exxon can just invade a country directly.

Exhibit A: Blackwater Vice Chairman Cofer Black is Mitt Romney’s campaign counterterrorism policy adviser. The company’s website also hawks infant onesies.

Sentence: Tanned and tethered outside Baghdad’s Green Zone after curfew. Whatever happens, happens.

6. Rudy Giuliani

Charges: 9/11 Tourette’s syndrome, compounded by compulsive lying. Despite the ’93 WTC bombing, didn’t act to put all first responders on the same radio frequency and chose to house his Emergency Command Center on the 23rd floor of WTC 7. Giuliani Partners consulting firm routinely did business with a Qatar ministry run by royal Abdallah bin Khalid al-Thani, a man whose farm has seen guests the likes of Khalid Sheikh Muhammad and Osama bin Laden. Wooed mistress and future wife with an NYPD chauffeur and trips to Southampton on NYC taxpayers’ dime. Ruined the prospect of a Times Square tug-job.

Exhibit A: Stages phone calls from his wife during campaign stops-to show ‘em he’s got family values. Family values apparently do not include rudimentary put-it-on-vibrate cell phone etiquette. Invoked 9/11 to explain this.

Sentence: Victim of the next 9/11, which consists of two radio-controlled hobby planes smashing into his face.

5. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid

Charges: Graduates of the Neville Chamberlain school of appeasement, the Democratic leadership continues to ignore the constitution-and the American people-by keeping impeachment “off the table” and refusing to defund the war. True pushovers, they’re too stupid, cowardly, weak and outmatched politically to accomplish anything substantive, their “strategy” essentially boiling down to whining a lot while handing Bush whatever the hell he wants. There is just no way that appearing this weak and ineffectual could be any better for them politically than impeachment. Everything that the White House gets away with, it gets away with because congress allows it.

Exhibit A: Failure to woo the two thirds majority needed to override a presidential veto is moot: They could defund the war with a 41-senator budgetary filibuster. But that would take guts and conviction.

Sentence: 2 cups anthrax bisque.

4. Seung-Hui Cho

Charges: A useless fucking nerd who shot a bunch of better people because he couldn’t get laid. Take note, all you pent-up losers out there: If you think you’re about to go on a murderous rampage, either take up a drug habit, find a hooker, or just kill yourself. Your inability to cope with a comfortable life in a developed nation is nobody else’s fault, except maybe your parents. Nothing says “I have a tiny penis” like a douchebag taking pictures of himself with a gun.

Exhibit A: Cho’s infamous “disturbing” stories are only disturbing in how completely terrible they are, but now every kid with an imagination is going to be hauled off to the nuthouse if he expresses himself.

Sentence: Used as kindling at bonfire kegger for rich, popular kids.

3. Fred Phelps

Charges: Leads a picketing campaign so hyperoffensive that his Church is unanimously reviled by queers and Bible thumping homophobes alike. Along with daughter Shirley, will drag hate into the public spotlight wherever it might seem least helpful or appropriate as long as it garners his “cause” attention. Harasses widows of heterosexual soldiers at funerals because their beloved were employed by a government that does not stone fags. Torments loved ones of those murdered in anti-gay violence. Is almost definitely gay himself.

Exhibit A: He is such an effective, soul-sucking brainwasher that Fred’s granddaughter declines relationships because of her delusion that world will end in her lifetime.

Sentence: Finally comes out of closet and is immediately killed by his followers.

2. Dick Cheney

Charges: Worst president ever. So openly horrible, he now makes jokes about being Darth Vader. Unashamedly advocating for executive abuse of power and corporate theft. In and out of public office since his congressional internship during the Nixon Administration. Didn’t care about the quagmire he foresaw in ’94, because since then he’d deftly maneuvered to profit from it. Polling lower than HPV.

Exhibit A: His Halliburton stock options rose 3000% in value from 2004-2005. No joke.

Punishment: Raped by the sun.

1. George W. Bush

Charges: Is it a civil rights milestone to have a retarded president? Maybe it would be, if he were ever legitimately elected. You can practically hear the whole nation holding its breath, hoping this guy will just fucking leave come January ’09 and not declare martial law. Only supporters left are the ones who would worship a fucking turnip if it promised to kill foreigners. Is so clearly not in charge of his own White House that his feeble attempts to define himself as “decider” or “commander guy” are the equivalent of a five-year-old kid sitting on his dad’s Harley and saying “vroom vroom!” Has lost so many disgusted staffers that all he’s left with are the kids from Jesus Camp. The first president who is so visibly stupid he can say “I didn’t know what was in the National Intelligence Estimate until last week” and sound plausible. Inarguably a major criminal and a much greater threat to the future of America than any Muslim terrorist.

Exhibit A: “And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.”

Sentence: Dismembered, limbs donated to injured veterans.


Written by Allan Uthman, Ian Murphy, Paul Jones and Tyler Bass

Illustrations by Ian Murphy

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