50. Tiger Woods
Charges: Rose to god-like celebrity and tycoon-level riches smacking a ball into a hole with a stick. His promiscuity with commercial endorsements makes his sexual dalliances seem frivolous by contrast. Cheated on his Swedish supermodel wife with over a dozen women, all of whom look like “Rock of Love” washouts.
Exhibit A: “Who is your new boy toy?”
Sentence: Zero stroke penalty.
49. Tyler Perry’s Loathsome Entry
Charges: It’s not a strong female character if it’s played by a man in a dress. Perry’s Oprah approved, pedestrian morality plays inartfully cajole his audience toward the same tired Jesus pitch, an excellent product placement opportunity to sell to a hopeless audience. It’s generally agreed that Precious is the funniest thing he’s ever attached his name to, a practice he can’t seem to resist.
Exhibit A: “Hollywood is finally waking up to the fact that people who go to church also go to the movies.”
Sentence: Tyler Perry’s Obstructed Bowel.
48. Keith Bardwell
Charges: It would have been disgusting for this now former Justice of the Peace to refused to marry an interracial couple in the ’60s, but he’s a droopy, old honky from Lousiana, where love is defined as being between a white senator, his white dominatrix and his white diaper. His textbook evasion, “Think of the children,” has been a perennial favorite among the “I’m not racist, but…” crowd for several millennia, but rings especially hollow in Obama’s first term. In his defense, Judge Bardwell assured us: he allows black people into his home, and even lets them use the bathroom.
Exhibit A: “I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way.”
Sentence: Forgiven and hugged by his black “friends.”
47. @ Biz Stone
Chrg: Cartoon anchorman name. Twitter venu 4 Kutcher/Palin/slf-invlvd banal/lies. Ex: cntrb 2 ilitrcy. Snt: 140 chr Iranian fatwa.
46. Jon Gosselin
Charges: Half responsible for producing the environmental disaster known as 8, transferring his wife’s abuse of him onto his children, pushing them all into the spotlight and then dumping them for a quasi-celebrity life of E! interviews, night clubs and not nearly enough pills.
Exhibit A: “I mean, I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet, and they never got paid for it?”
Sentence: Married to Octomom.
45. Nadya Suleman
Charges: Destroying the good name of cephalopods everywhere, Octomom was as annoyingly unavoidable in 2009 as she was inconsequential. The worst thing about this baby-hording disaster is what her fame said about us. It was a circus all right: a classic freakshow and a funhouse mirror, reflecting the nation in all its twisted voyeuristic obsession. Americans adore someone to whom they can all feel superior. Claims to never have had plastic surgery, which means she was born looking like a poorly done carving of Angelina Jolie and her belly is made of rubber.
Exhibit A: “I like to be really private. I don’t like the spotlight.”
Sentence: Raising fourteen children.
44. Joe Wilson
Charges: A former member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, Wilson was one of only seven legislators who fought to keep ol’ Dixie flying in South Carolina. When his former employer, legendary segregationist Strom Thurmond, was revealed to be the father of his black maid’s daughter, Wilson said that she should have kept her trap shut. He’s pals with the Federation for American Immigration Reform, founded by a white nationalist and classified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Every president lies, of course, but we have a feeling there’s only one kind of president this cracker would disrespect enough to shout it at him in the middle of an address to both houses of congress—for the same reason he became a fundraising star for the GOP overnight.
Exhibit A: “You lie!”
Sentence: After the Nuclear-Alien-Cyborg Wars of 2065, the only record left of Wilson’s red-faced accusation is one lonely Smithsonian photo with a charred and illegible caption, which future historians translate as “Pull my finger!”
43. Joe Farah
Charges: As editor of Worldnetdaily, old Joe’s insanity is often the starting line in the race from Drudge to Fox to a large, sweaty-headed Olbermann condemnation. Birther, creationist, secret Muslim, 9/11 conspiracies, Vince Foster, Chuck Norris: they do it all, and false evidence is their favorite kind. WND makes Jenny McCarthy’s Twitter feed read like a peer-reviewed journal, and yet the media pays attention to both, because our culture’s an intellectual cesspool. You know you’re in trouble when even Glenn Beck thinks your Obama conspiracy theories are ridiculous.
Exhibit A: “Think of all the world’s legends about dragons. Look at those images. What were those folks seeing? They were clearly seeing dinosaurs.”
Sentence: 2nd place in a John Stossel lookalike contest.
42. Arianna Huffington
Charges: HuffPo’s health coverage is like a horny chimp with a switch blade: dumb and dangerous. Arrianna’s “Wellness Editor” holds a “PhD” in homeopathy, the fake science of diluting medicine in water to increase its healing power—the higher the dilution, the more potent. In fact, she and other homeopathic quacks sell “medicine,” which is indistinguishable from Evian. Last summer, Arianna’s “internet newspaper” advised people to protect themselves from swine flu with a deep-cleansing enema. Seriously. Every woo-age celebrity with a vaccination conspiracy or snake oil remedy and a laptop is given column space at HuffPo. It hurts to read Dan Aykroyd speculate about the existence of ghosts; it’s agonizing to read Deepak Chopra’s shoddy metaphysics, and it may actually kill to publish Bill Maher’s Luddite rants. Apparently, the only thing Huffington won’t let her writers do is get paid.
Exhibit A: “When it comes to health and wellness issues, our goal is to provide a diverse forum for a reasoned discussion of issues of interest and importance to our readers.”
Sentence: AIDS, one of Magic Johnson’s pills, Lake Michigan and a crazy straw.
41. Jake Sully
Charges: Say what you will about his questionable allegiance to, and interspecies intercourse with, the 9-ft blue Indians of Pandora. Say what you will about his refusal to bend to the will of Big Unobtainium. Say what you will about the ex-Marine’s bravery and fighting skill. But for the love of Eywa, why didn’t he at least warn the Na’vi at some point that the humans meant to slaughter them and nine-eleven their giant treehouse? Why, Jake Sully, why?
Exhibit A: “Outcast. Betrayer. Alien. I was in the place the eye does not see.”
Sentence: Soon realizes that living in the woods gets boring pretty fast, loses custody of huge red dragon in ugly divorce.
40. Richard Heene
Charges: He distracted the entire nation with a shiny object. Handicapped his own child by a) naming him Falcon and b) making him the focus of a hoax that wasted millions of dollars and everyone’s time in a sad quest to regain the exploitive reality TV spotlight. Busted by his hyperactive kid on live TV, Heene made the “Today” show the next morning, dragging a suddenly catatonic, vomiting, and clearly drugged balloon boy along to issue the least credible retraction since the inquisition of Galileo.
Exhibit A: “We don’t have cable. The kids don’t watch. And the reason why we disconnected the cable is because there’s so much negative news out there. Well, now I’m a part of it.”
39. Muzzammil Hassan
Charges: As the head of America’s first Muslim cable TV network, his story became a cause célèbre for Islamophobes like Michelle Malkin when he ritualistically removed his wife’s head with a sword. Not all Muslims honor-kill their wives because of perverted faith and pathological levels of masculine insecurity, but Hassan’s deplorable actions should remind us all that Muhammad was a sword-happy misogynist, who had a six year-old wife and a tenuous grasp of morality.
Exhibit A: “But the stories that are missing are the countless stories of Muslim tolerance, progress, diversity, service and excellence that Bridges TV hopes to tell.”
Sentence: Honor suicide.
38. Chris Dodd
Charges: We expect senators to be corrupt hypocrites, but when you’re taking no-interest loans from banks you’re supposed to be regulating, and over a hundred grand in campaign cash from AIG while you just happen to exempt them from your bonus crackdown, it doesn’t help to pose as a crusading man of the people, fighting those big mean bankers. Chris Dodd, fuck you. Fuck you for fooling so many nice, if naïve, people into thinking you were on the level. Fuck you for saying “here” all the time like it’s a goddamn comma. But most of all, fuck you for being you, just another phony, entitled senator on the take.
Exhibit A: Dodd’s dad was a Senator too—and he was censured for pilfering $100,000 from his campaign funds in 1967.
Sentence: Accidentally swallows 5,392 dollars in change.
37. It’s Vince from Shamwow!
Charges: As if this menacing pitch-gremlin weren’t viscerally repulsive enough, he confirmed everyone’s intuitive suspicions last year by beating up a hooker in a Florida hotel room. As homage to the gods of irony, he carries on unscathed as the grating voice and disturbing face of a product called Slap Chop, a product he promises will “slap your troubles away.”
Exhibit A: “You’re gonna love my nuts.”
Sentence: Coke stash raided nightly by the shouting ghost of Billy Mays.
36. Virginia Foxx
Charges: There are plenty of terrible people in congress, but none are as shithouse dumb as this repugnant, purblind vulture. Aggressively gullible in the way that only those lost to the crude comforts of pure dogma can be, Foxx is similar to her peculiar fans, who call themselves patriots while openly despising 80% of their country’s population, in that she’s able to swallow whole and regurgitate absurd, ahistorical fictions, and go right on believing them in the face of absolute proof of their falsehood. Racially clueless, Foxx thought it relevant to mention that an economist who disagreed with Obama was black. You know, he’s black, and even HE disagrees with Obama. Who is also black. That’s relevant.
Exhibit A: “[Republicans] were the people who passed the civil rights bills back in the ’60s without very much help from our colleagues across the aisle. They love to engage in revisionist history.”
Sentence: To become part of a “hoax,” similar to the Matthew Shepard murder.
Charges: America’s dumbest and most racist citizens finally found a cause they could all get behind that isn’t pro wrestling or NASCAR. The Lolcats of protest sign grammar, they think scare quotes actually make things scary (e.g. ‘Obama is a “communist”’). They don’t understand that they’re duped showpieces for billionaires who threaten their freedom and prosperity far more than their beloved nemesis, Big Gubmint. And their instant escalation from complacent couch potatoes to rhetorical revolutionaries just happened to coincide with the election of a black Democrat with the middle name Hussein. What are the chances?
Exhibit A: They called it Teabagging first.
Sentence: To star in an extremely patriotic, live ammunition reenactment the Battle of Bunker hill.
34. Terrell Owens
Charges: While not being emasculated on his hit VH1 ‘reality’ show by his two creepily controlling managers, he made Buffalo an even sadder place to live. While he managed to keep his notorious attitude in check (albeit making a rather obvious show of it), he flaked on training camp, slacked all year and dropped more balls than a glazed ham.
Exhibit A: He bet a Bills fan his Bentley that he’d score 10 touchdowns, but he didn’t pay up.
Sentence: Another season with the Bills.
33. Orly Taitz
Charges: The mother of all birthers, this OC-based dentist, lawyer, uber-Zionist and all around lunatic spent ’09 spreading crazy like the flu, and making the legal profession look even more unseemly than usual. She sought to stay an Army doctor’s deployment to Iraq on the grounds that Obama’s presidency is illegal, and when the judge refused to hear the case, she accused him of treason repeatedly, although her client took pains to disavow her as her lawyer in a letter Taitz deemed a forgery. Taitz would know, as submitting badly forged foreign birth certificates as evidence is a favorite practice. In addition to her fevered, baseless agitations against Obama, she runs the gamut of paranoia typical to medication-deprived schizos: FEMA camps, Hugo Chavez-controlled U.S. voting software, and killer bird flu vaccines. Even O’Reilly thinks she’s a “nut,” but as Taitz knows, Fox is partially owned by Saudi Arabia. The only hope left for Taitz’s reputation is that she may actually be Sasha Baron Cohen working on his next film.
Exhibit A: “What is the real intention of this Kenyan, Indonesian communist usurper? …it might be time to start rallies and protests using our second amendment right to bare arms [sic] and organise in militias.”
Sentence: Hot tub sex with Lyndon LaRouche.
Charges: Get the fuck out of the way! We’re trying to fly planes here! These feathered kamikazes down scores of aircraft and contribute to our media’s apparent inability to distinguish between preparedness and miracles. Always honking. Downright mean when you get up close to them.
Exhibit A: You know how every once in a while a pillow feather will stab you? That.
Sentence: Foie gras.
31. Michael Bloomberg
Charges: The Berlusconi of Little Italy, and ever-humble coauthor of Bloomberg by Bloomberg, he overturned a voter referendum on NYC term limits and then spent $102 million ($183 per vote) barely winning a third term as mayor. Giuliani thinks he’s doing a good job, so that’s obviously not true. He’s the bane of the preservation society with his bulldoze and build ethic, yet while Dubai can build the tallest skyscraper in the world in 5 years, New York still hosts a rubble park where the World Trade Center used to be.
Exhibit A: Called previous efforts to repeal term limits “a disgrace.” When asked last year why he’d changed his tune, he called the reporter “a disgrace.”
Sentence: Riddled with pocket change thrown from the Empire State Building.
30. Joe Lieberman
Charges: Appears intent on darkening the future of the uninsured in order to exercise a personal grudge. Opposed to government-run insurance, except for Medicare, Medicaid, his 2006 plan “Medi-kids,” And his own plan to expand Medicare, which he now vehemently opposes, on principled grounds, of course, which have nothing to do with campaign donations or waving his baboon-purple ass in the face of Democrats and poor people everywhere. Exemplifies the smug, detached narcissism that characterizes the Senate.
Exhibit A: “I can do more for you and your families to get something done to make health care affordable, to get universal health insurance.”
Sentence: Lieberman has a mild heart attack, and is immediately rushed to a cemetery.
29. Kanye West
Charges: In a field replete with half-talented divas, West has repeatedly distinguished himself with truly irredeemable episodes of what appears to be his own personal behavioral disorder: Awards Show Syndrome (ASS). Here’s a tip to the security director at the next awards show this autotune-reviving mediocrity disgraces: do not let him finish.
Exhibit A: “If I don’t win, the awards show loses credibility.”
Sentence: An accurate perception of himself.
28. Scott Roeder
Charges: America’s most successful terrorist, Roeder killed the only late-term abortion provider in Kansas, and shut down one of only three such facilities in the United States. That is to say, he used violence against civilians to effect political change, and it worked like gangbusters. The right wing’s prevaricating reaction showed that there are some kinds of terrorism that don’t really bother them so much. The worst part? All Roeder really did was follow pro-life rhetoric to its logical conclusion.
Exhibit A: “Thou shalt not kill.” – God, The Bible
Sentence: Extremely late term abortion.
27. Barack Obama
Charges: At the end of his first year as president, Obama’s major accomplishment is still having been elected in the first place. Since then, it’s all been Reaganesque speechifying, Clintonesque triangulation, and Bushian spin. His cabinet is packed with the deregulation-mad bankers who created our recession and then “fixed” it by heaving pallets of cash at their former employers. His penchant for bipartisanship, once a quaint campaign pretense, has become an agenda-hobbling obsession. He buzzed still-edgy New Yorkers with a few airplanes to snap a $300,000 promo pic any kid could’ve photoshopped in five minutes. Obama campaigned for a “robust public option” and importing cheaper drugs, closing Gitmo, ending no-bid contracts and backroom deals with corporate lobbyists—and he was going to do it on CSPAN. But he’s done none of those things, and his policies on extraordinary rendition, illegal wiretapping and state secrets are pure Bush. Socialist? We should be so lucky.
Exhibit A: “The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.”
Sentence: A second term of crazed right-wing abuse.
Charges: Based solely on Fox News and cartoon depictions of evil scientists, you think “Climategate” is a real controversy that somehow affects the truth of global warming. You think science is just another religion. You think Dan Brown writes nonfiction. You want the government to get its hands out of your Medicare. You think Dr. Oz can heal you with his palms. You believe in horoscopes. You bought a Snuggie. You’re suddenly outraged by government malfeasance because because a black guy got elected, or you refuse to be outraged by government malfeasance, because you don’t want to come across as racist. You think Avatar was either the worst or best film ever and you have film chops to describe why, yet you know fuck all about how the real world works, because you’re too busy satiating yourself with junk food, internet porn and “reality” HDTV to care. It took a fucking Underwear Bomber for you to learn about Yemen. You’re proud of your ignorance and proud of that too. In other words, you suck, you know it, and your every word is a sad and futile attempt to deny it.
Exhibit A: Glenn Beck.
Sentence: Glenn Beck.
25. Michelle Bernard
Charges: Thrust to prominence as a result of MSNBC’s mad scramble to diversify in light of Obama’s candidacy, Bernard is almost perfectly non-representative of black women in America—a cryptofascist “independent” pushing the same tired free market agenda that is still devastating this country, clumsily repackaged as third wave feminism. While insipid PR hacks have long supplanted actual humans on cable news, Bernard is distinguished in her unworthiness by her status as president of the Independent Women’s Forum, which is actually quite dependent on an array of conservative foundations for funding. The IWF advocates the audacious notion that independent women want to abolish the minimum wage, and oppose equal pay… for women. Calling a right wing operative like Bernard an “analyst” on the news is something like deeming Michael Vick a pet health expert.
Exhibit A: Smack dab in the middle of the national health care “debate,” Bernard’s organization launched one of the most galling and indefensibly false attacks of the year, asserting in a commercial and a Bernard-signed fundraising letter that “More American women are going to die of breast cancer if you and I surrender to President Obama’s nationalized healthcare onslaught.” So-called liberal Chris Matthews never bothered to confront her on her shameless bullshit, preferring to continue to indulge her “analysis” and her pretense at political neutrality.
Sentence: The loss of all her money followed by the implementation of all her policies. Also breast cancer, of course.
24. Frank Luntz
Charges: The Dark Prince of American Propaganda, Luntz has his focus groups working double-time for any client who’ll pay him to confirm their own judgment bias. His role in the Contract with America & the ’94 Republican Revolution is well known, and the phrase “death tax” may be his greatest hit, but one need only read his Words That Work to find that he’s also paid by the likes of Arianna Huffington and his rhetorical advice to Democrats reads eerily like an Obama stump speech. In ’09, Luntz’s greasy talking points helped the GOP stymie health care reform and contributed to the glut of nonsensical oil company greenwashing ads.
Exhibit A: “A compelling story, even if factually inaccurate, can be more emotionally compelling than a dry recitation of the truth.”
Sentence: Paid well to convince Americans that breaking Frank Luntz’s fingers brings dead pets back to life.
23. Michael Steele
Charges: Steele, the world’s most obvious racial token, came out boldly in ’09, broadcasting his message in numerous media appearances—the message being that Michael Steele is an intellectual lightweight with no idea what he really thinks. Sometimes, visibility is a bad thing. Still, it was amusing to watch Steele argue with himself day after day on issues like whether he’s pro-choice, whether homosexuality is genetic, and whether he is Rush Limbaugh’s bitch. But he did at least one redeeming thing in ’09: spend two thirds of the RNC’s money in a non-election year while alienating its donor base with a preposterous “Off the hook” GOP hip hop makeover.
Exhibit A: “Not in the history of mankind has the government ever created a job.”
Sentence: Ear bitten off by Mike Tyson at Thanksgiving dinner.
22. Carrie Prejean
Charges: Her entire career is a product of cable news providers’ insatiable hunger for hot bimbo B-roll. Embraced by conservatives as much for her rambling incoherence as for her opposition to gay marriage, there was just something about Prejean’s naked ambition and false piety (and false mammaries) that struck a chord with the Obamaphobic set. While a few nipply photos were easy enough for her to shrug off as a wardrobe malfunction, a collection of self-service porn videos proved a bit more sticky. In her final act of self-sabotage, scolding Larry King and throwing a childish hissy fit on live television, you could almost see Prejean fade into obscurity in real time.
Exhibit A: “On April 19, on that stage, I exercised my freedom of speech, and I was punished for doing so. This should not happen in America. It undermines the constitutional rights for which my grandfather fought for.” Add woeful misunderstanding of the Bill of Rights to the list of grievances.
Sentence: Videos released for profit by mother.
21. Sarah Palin
Charges: In a dignity contest between her and grand-baby-daddy “Ricky Hollywood,” the winner would be Tom Delay. This Mujaha-queen quit being Alaska governor, because she’s “not a quitter,” she’s “a fighter.” Yeah, she battled all year for the freedom to watch a homophobe author her memoirs while spreading death panel lies on Twitter. Sarah’s broadcasting career has now come full circle, thanks to Australia’s most venomous snake, Rupert Murdoch, who has her penning demonstrable falsehoods about global warming and health care in the Wall Street Journal and batting at sycophantic beach balls from Beck and O’Reilly on Fox. If dumb were a crime, she’d be doing time.
Exhibit A: “They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan.”
Sentence: Death Panel.
20. Bob Rubin
Charges: As Secretary of the Treasury under Clinton, Rubin was a regulatory acid, dissolving the Glass-Steagal barrier between investment and commercial banking instituted after the Great Depression. After creating an environment of rampant speculation and too-big-to-fail bubble machine banks, he predictably took on the role of senior counsel at a newly-merged Citigroup behemoth—where he pushed the bank toward poisonous mortgage-backed securities, even showing the balls to ask the Treasury department to pressure bond-raters to downgrade the debt of Citigroup client Enron. The financial guru’s stellar results? Citi lost 90% of its stock value and “earned” a $45 billion bailout. The Larry Summers mentor, former Geithner boss and CEO of Goldman Sachs takes his place on this year’s list as a catchall for the lot of incompetent shock doctrine economists and financial demagogues who created our recession by widening the income gap with cash leveraged out of nowhere, and then engineering a permanent bailout for any gambling fiscal vampire with long enough fangs.
Exhibit A: “[Glass-Steagall could] conceivably impede safety and soundness by limiting revenue diversification.”
Sentence: Sodomized by a bull, then a bear. Then the bull again.
19. Michael Jackson
Charges: In the media, Jacko’s timely overdose on freaky surgery drugs sparked a whitewash that even his dermatologist thought excessive. Just a friendly reminder, folks: he built an amusement park house to attract children, whom he then got drunk and slept with. Even on the infinitesimal chance he never molested them, that is still creepy as hell. And his music stunk for the last twenty years, because he was crap without Quincy Jones’s beats and Joe Jackson’s beatings.
Exhibit A: Proved the old adage, “If a pedophile is rich enough, he can just buy children and no one can stop him, and the press will pretend it’s not totally horrific.” What, you’ve never heard that one?
Sentence: Skeleton purchased by Lady Gaga.
18. Don Blankenship
Charges: As CEO of serial polluting coal giant Massey Energy, Blankenship’s reputation for climate change denial is as well-deserved as his company’s staggering EPA fines. In ’07, a West Virginia Circuit Court fined Massey $50 million, but it wasn’t a problem for Blankenship, because he’d already restaffed the WV State Supreme Court with his own man—spending $3 million in accusations that the incumbent justice was soft on pedos. Shortly after the Supreme Court reversed the lower court’s ruling, he was busted partying in Monte Carlo with three whores, one of them being a WV Supreme Court Justice. Last summer, Don held a ghoulish pro-coal rally on a leveled mountaintop with fellow retards Sean Hannity and Ted “Suck my machine gun, Obama” Nugent.
Exhibit A: “If CO2 emissions are going to kill the polar bears, it’s going to happen.”
Sentence: Used to fertilize a rooftop garden.
17. Bill Maher
Charges: As dumb as the creationists and 9/11 truthers he mocks, but not nearly as funny, Maher’s an embarrassment to atheists everywhere, even Christopher Hitchens. The most audience-abusive MC since Jim Jones, Maher routinely belittles his uneasy crowd for not laughing at the stale mediocrities he calls jokes. His discussion panels typically follow an excruciating pattern: relatively smart person tries to talk down to some cringingly naive celebrity like Cindy McCain or Mos Def, only to get steamrolled by some visibly drunk old comic Bill used to do blow with backstage at the Improv. The dumber the guest, the more they dominate the panel—until Maher steers the discussion, yet again, to his pet topics, like how much better everything would be if we all shopped at Whole Foods, stopped taking medicine and legalized weed, dude. But the worst of it, especially for someone who makes it so clear he thinks he’s the smartest person in the world, is that Maher is just not very well informed. You have a TV show about politics, Bill. Try reading the paper once in a while.
Exhibit A: “A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.”
Sentence: Swine flu.
16. John Ensign
Charges: Loves Doug Coe’s Family; doesn’t much care for his own. He actually made Mark Sanford’s trip down the ol’ Appalachian Trail appear downright sweet. In a news year rife with adultery, hypocrisy and egregious ethical breaches, Ensign rose above the despicable fray by philandering with his top aide’s wife, setting the man up with a lucrative lobbying job in violation of ethics rules, and then funneling nearly 100K of hush money through his parents to the couple. Then his pal, Senator Tom Coburn, tried to arrange to buy the cuckold’s house for a million bucks. Despite his status as a felon and pariah, Ensign is still running for reelection.
Exhibit A: “There’s too many people that paint with a broad brush that we’re all corrupt, we’re all amoral… we need people who are in office who will hold themselves to a little higher standard.”
Sentence: Watching Bill Clinton have sex with every woman he ever found attractive.
15. Bart Stupak
Charges: He’s different than your average weirdo Christian congressman who rents a room in the creepy C Street Family house: he’s a democrat, which makes his amendment to the health care bill all the more infuriating. It prohibits federal funds “to cover any part of the costs of any health plan that includes coverage of abortion.” With the exceptions of rape, incest and danger to the mother, women now have the freedom to choose between buying supplementary abortion coverage or paying out of pocket. It’s your body, your choice.
Exhibit A: “I’ll put my progressive credentials up against anyone’s.”
Sentence: Caught in compromising position with Ben Nelson.
14. Lloyd Blankfein
Charges: CEO of Goldman Sachs, the bank that runs the U.S. Government, Blankfein made a lot of money this year—by taking it from the government. Add a huge bailout (including 20 billion laundered through AIG) to the recent demise of competitors Lehman Brothers and Bear Sterns, and Blankfein’s shooting diamond encrusted fish in a platinum barrel. Blankfein said he was real sorry about stealing our money and stuff, but he’s keeping it anyway, natch. Oh, and Goldman subsidiary Litton Loans is still going to throw you out of your house.
Exhibit A: “We’re doing God’s work.”
Sentence: Guillotine sounds about right.
13. James von Brunn
Charges: The answer to Brokaw’s “Greatest Generation,” this guard-shooting, Holocaust-denying, Freeper waste of pomade barely ekes out Tyra Banks for a spot on this year’s list, because, well, he’s dead and Tyra will still be terrible next year. In the ’80s, he stormed the Fed with a sawed-off shotgun, knife and revolver to conduct a “legal, non-violent citizens-arrest,” and he self published an anti-Semitic screed that makes Mahmoud Ahmadinejad read like Woody Allen.
Exhibit A: “The ‘Holocaust’ Religion is destroying Western Civilization.”
Sentence: An afterlife.
12. Jay Leno
Charges: Longtime font of tepid zingers and sad Kevin Eubanks banter, the Chin that ate Letterman went too far this year with his vainglorious quest to completely vanillify prime time comedy. But, like an obese, mustachioed stretch pants enthusiast, America simply wasn’t drunk enough at 10 to find Leno attractive. While technically not an ’09 infraction, his decision to bump Coco—rather than have the sack to break contract—is only further testament to the man’s largely undeserved ego. Seriously, Jay, stop buying cars already.
Exhibit A: Makes Jimmy Fallon seem hilarious.
Sentence: New gig as Craig Ferguson’s eyebrow handler.
11. Erik Prince
Charges: The future king of the Holy American Empire, Prince “views himself as a Christian crusader tasked with eliminating Muslims and the Islamic faith from the globe,” according to the testimony of a former Blackwater employee. His sole response to Blackwater’s cold blooded murder of 17 Iraqis was to rebrand the firm Xe in an attempt to skirt bad press as easily as they have skirted the law. A self-proclaimed CIA asset with a private army, a hard-on for Christian dominionism and a slew of no-bid contracts, Prince may be the most dangerous threat to American freedom in the world today. Remember when we had our own soldiers?
Exhibit A: “It appears that Mr. Prince and his employees murdered, or had murdered, one or more persons who have provided information, or who were planning to provide information, to the federal authorities about the ongoing criminal conduct.” – John Doe #2, a former Blackwater manager.
Sentence: Active duty—and Army pay.
10. Doug Coe
Charges: As sinister “godfather” of the disturbing C Street Family, a self-described “Christian Mafia,” Coe’s forty-year role in American politics has been largely shrouded in Prayer Breakfast bacon. Although he’s not an ordained minister, his organization (aka The Fellowship) enjoys tax-free status as religious advisor, unethical enabler and frat house tool shed for America’s power elite on both sides of the aisle. Coe espouses a perverted brand of Christianity, stressing the power of covenants and the moral exceptionalism of the powerful. To Doug and his Fellowship, Hitler, Mao and bin Laden are to be admired for the power they wielded and the loyalty they demanded. Not satisfied to have contributed to a doubling of AIDS in Uganda by having Family members in congress shift millions in aid from sex education to abstinence-only programs, Family members in the Ugandan legislature have proposed a bill that make homosexuality punishable by death. Killing gays? Maybe Coe’s right; Jesus and Hitler are similar that way.
Exhibit A: “A covenant is… powerful. Can you think of anyone who made a covenant with his friends? … Yes, Hitler made a covenant. The Mafia makes a covenant. It is such a very powerful thing.”
Sentence: Uganda butt-sex.
9. Dick Cheney
Charges: Like a ruminant virus bred in the vat of Politico’s decomposing credibility, Cheney infected the entire political debate last year with the same unprecedented gall he demonstrated in office. He suggested that Obama’s guilty of treason for failing to protect the nation from terrorism, despite the fact that 9/11 happened during his tenure as America’s most multiply impeachable executive in history. The only person left defending this reptile is his subhuman offspring.
Exhibit A: “But we are at war and when President Obama pretends we aren’t, it makes us less safe.”
8. Harry Reid
Charges: Rules the Senate with all the vigor of a damp Wheat Thin. It’s a sad comment on the current state of Democrats that a pro-lifer runs the Senate and would rather compromise the health care bill to death than just call the GOP’s bluff and let the bastards filibuster until they tucker out. Despite having busted a mobster for an attempted bribe when he was Nevada Gaming Commissioner, Senator Reid seems a bit more flexible, as can be seen in a 2005 earmark for his own bridge to nowhere, which ramped up the value of his land holdings, and his efforts on behalf of a lobbyist/friend/contributor, whose attorney is Reid’s son, to facilitate a $30 billion golf course.
Exhibit A: On Ted Kennedy’s death, Reid said, “I think it’s going to help us.” How’s that working out for you, Harry?
Sentence: Donkey-punched by Scott Brown.
7. Rush Limbaugh
Charges: We don’t care if this miserable, insecure blowhole wants Obama to fail, but the truth is, for America to survive, Rush Limbaugh must fail. His obvious racism, well-demonstrated over his decades of broadcasting, colors his every mischaracterization of Obama as some commie activist painting the White House black, rather than the regular establishment twinkie he really is. He knows his audience of inadequate boobs well, playing to their unfounded fears of “reparations” and making up facts to shore up their ego integrity.
Exhibit A: “Community service is one of the baby steps toward fascism.”
Sentence: Relegated to Ham radio and CFL team ownership.
6. Dick Armey
Charges: Phonetically, the former congressman’s name is poetic. As head of the lobbying firm Freedomworks, he played Teabag Patton this summer, riling the dimmest patriots to storm town halls nationwide and ordering them to “Be Disruptive Early And Often,” and to “Not Have An Intelligent Debate.” Dick’s just another propagandist fighting the class war by exploiting the reptilian brain of America’s self destructive middle class.
Exhibit A: “Politics will sooner or later make fools of everybody.”
Sentence: Teabagged by a shark.
5. Rick Perry
Charges: Perry is to justice what Jeff Dunham is to comedy. When the Texas Forensic Science Commission began reviewing the flawed ’91 arson case against Cameron Todd Willingham, who was wrongly executed in 2004 for the murder of his three children, Perry responded by replacing 4 of the 9 Commission members with capital punishment enthusiasts to boost his electoral stock. He also riled his benighted base with the kind of secessionist rhetoric that would only seem hypocritical if Texas accepted federal stimulus money, which Perry decried, and hey, he only took $17 billion.
Exhibit A: “Texas is a unique place. When we came in the union in 1845 one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decide to do that.”
Sentence: Lethal injection.
4. Michelle Bachmann
Charges: A cheap Palin knockoff without the aphasia, Bachmann is just one more example of the legislative and judicial scourge pouring out of Christian throwback “universities” like Liberty, Regent and her alma mater, Oral Roberts U. Glory be unto Oral, Michelle managed to get a law degree without actually gleaning any understanding of what the Constitution means or what freedom actually is. Not content to flee back to her exquisitely gerrymandered 97% white district after last year’s suggested witch-hunt against liberal congressmen, Bachmann instead decided to make public lunacy her new religion, bleating out increasingly demented and lucrative conspiracy theories about the evil forces behind the census, foreign currencies, foreign anything, environmental regulation, evil gays posing as intolerant homophobes, evil gays targeting children, and of course, commies, commies, commies. If only this type of stupid were rarer.
Exhibit A: “I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence.” (It was actually Ford, but that’s not really the point.)
Sentence: Bachmann’s constituents obediently refuse to fill out the census, resulting in the elimination of her congressional seat.
3. Nidal Hasan
Charges: The vile overlap in the Venn diagram of murderous Islamocrazies and workplace-shooting maniacs, Hasan was so against killing innocents that he killed a bunch of them to prove his point. Despite the missed warning signs and PC avoidance that enabled the Fort Hood massacre, nothing should detract from the conclusion that Hasan was just another waste of oxygen who blamed the world for his own dissatisfaction, and demonstrated for the gazillionth time that humanity as a species can’t handle the responsibility of gun ownership. Plus, he obviously paid very poor attention during his fellowship in Disaster and Preventive Psychiatry at the Center for Traumatic Stress.
Exhibit A: “Muslims may be seen as moderate (compromising) but God is not.”
Sentence: Executed during Super Bowl halftime show.
2. Charles Koch
Charges: As the CEO of the nefarious Koch Industries, the second most profitable private company in the US, he’s like a 3-D Mr. Burns sans ethics and environmentalism. His family’s wealth comes from fossil fuels and speculation, and is maintained through their lobbying and disinformation campaigns. His dad cofounded the John Birch Society, known for claiming that water fluoridation was a communist plot to poison Americans. Koch bankrolls every faux free market think tank from Freedom Works to Cato to Americans for Prosperity. They’ve funded the Mackinac Center for Public Policy, founded by Jon Overton, whose Machiavellian masterstroke was a political theory (The Overton Window) of making one’s unpopular policy goals more palatable by promoting an even less popular and more radical agenda. The death of health care reform doesn’t seems so bad after the summer-long threat of having the tree of liberty watered with the blood of patriots and tyrants, does it? The saddest part of this whole thing is, of course, that Koch is the tyrant, and puppet master of both media shills like CNBC’s Rick Santelli and their furiously dumb fans.
Exhibit A: Throughout the ‘80s, Koch Industries ran a “systematic, management-directed scheme to steal crude oil from producers on federal and Indian lands.” While swindling Indians may seem a bit cliché, Koch made enough off the scam to make his own brother blow him in. The fine? A whopping $25 billion, about a tenth of the money Koch stole. With numbers like that, they’d be crazy to not still be doing it.
Sentence: Blood used to water the tree of liberty, the poinsettias of sound environmental policy, the shrubbery of ethical contract law, and the cornfields of common sense regulation.
1. Glenn Beck
Charges: As the Sybil of cable punditry and graduate of the prestigious University of I Don’t Remember, Beck’s bipolar professor routine is hands down the funniest thing on TV. When he gets out the chalkboard and starts drawing trees and playing misspelled word association games with a comically grave demeanor, Beck makes Stephen Colbert look like a piker. The fact that millions of Americans think he knows what he’s talking about, however, is not funny at all. If this simpering boob, blubbering the same old reds-under-the-bed melodrama from the ‘50s with a sophomoric Da Vinci Code twist, is the face of the people’s rebellion, sign us up for the empire.
Exhibit A: “This president has exposed himself as a guy, over and over and over again, who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture… I’m not saying that he doesn’t like white people.”
Sentence: Drowned in crocodile tears; eaten by crocodile.
Written by Ian Murphy & Allan Uthman. Illustrations by Ian Murphy.