50) Ian Murphy
Crimes: He’s so lazy and drug-addled, Murphy posts a year-end article in February of the following year and thinks that that’s acceptable. Only on this list as a blatant act of self-promotion/preemptive defense against critics, Murphy believes he did enough last year to talk about himself in the third person. Murphy “stole” the identity of David Koch and prank called the Governor of Wisconsin, was denounced by the Society of Professional Journalists and defended by Rush Limbaugh, derped for Congress with 1% of the vote, dedicated more time to making a parody website for his Republican opponent than he does grooming, volunteered for a rival’s campaign, gave $100 to James O’Keefe, reportedly got arrested for waving a dildo around at a National Organization For Marriage rally, and got canned from a well-read blog because he once wrote an article called “Fuck the Troops.” Is fat. Bad at spalling.
Smoking Gun: “I ran for Congress to spend less time with my family.”
Sentence: Haunted by his many successes.
49) Harold Camping
Crimes: To hype his May 21st Judgment Day, the frog-voiced preaching mummy rented over 1,200 billboards, all of which Jesus totally missed. It wouldn’t matter if this guy was just masturbating under his “End is Nigh” sandwich board, like a respectable doomsayer, but every time he “predicts” the rapture many of his 200,000 benighted listeners max-out their credit cards for his $72 million Family Radio, and some lunatic slashes her children’s throats, so they won’t have to suffer through the tribulation.
Smoking Gun: In this May 19th BEAST interview with Camping you can hear a vacuum — because nothing says you sincerely believe the END OF THE WORLD is two days away, and not an obvious scam to bilk your followers, like keeping up on housework.
Sentence: Deathbed conversion to Scientology, posthumously baptized by Mormons, savings bequeathed to a charity chosen by Ricky Gervais.
48) Christopher Hitchens
Crimes: First dead atheist to inspire such hagiographic dreck since Mother Teresa. Born British, died unmistakably American, having been so wooed by the “War on Terror” that he was sworn in by then DHS head Michael Chertoff. He was a pompous misogynist and warmonger who, above all else, loved the sound of his own voice. He palled around with comb-licking goon Paul Wolfowitz, advocated for Bush’s reelection, and clung to his scotch-soaked end that Saddam Hussein possessed WMD. With his undoubtedly elegant prose, Hitch provided more support to Islamophobes than a Lowe’s 2 x 4.
Smoking Gun: “Prison conditions at Abu Ghraib have improved markedly and dramatically since the arrival of Coalition troops in Baghdad.”
Sentence: Remembered accurately.
47) Tim Tebow
Crimes: Throwing motion gives false hope of NFL stardom to children with MS. Inspired the most nauseating trend of the year in “Tebowing.” Showered by idiots with feckless praise of leadership and morality because his game simply doesn’t warrant the same. As a spokesperson for the hate group Focus on the Family, abstinence advocate, and known teammate kisser, Tebow’s likely just another self-loathing homosexual. And he’s sanctimonious as hell for a guy who works exclusively on the Sabbath.
Smoking Gun: “First and foremost I’d have to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
Sentence: Raped by a Ben Roethlisberger, forced to abort the baby.
46) Sam Brownback
Crimes: #heblowsalot. When not attempting to destroy teenage girls on Twitter, the petulant Kansas Governor enjoys enacting anti-choice legislation, crushing arts programs through executive order, spending time with The Family, hating teh gay, and taking moronic walks on the beach with Rick Perry and God.
Smoking Gun: He’s the Governor of Kansas.
Sentence: Former Governor of Kansas.
45) Megyn Kelly
Crimes: Looks so much like she’s about to unhinge her jaw and toss back a few still-squealing rats that she lends plausibility to the ravings of David Ickes. Whether terrifying Flyover-Americans with the New Black Panther Party, or demonizing UC-Davis protesters, Kelly’s venom is designated solely for those outside of her income bracket and race. Decries “the welfare state,” yet thinks the U.S. government should mandate paid maternity leave — because it could potentially one day affect her personally. Her entire “news” career is based on exploiting the same myopic selfishness of Fox’s demographic of old white idiots who want to have sex with her.
Smoking Gun: “[Pepper spray's] a food product, essentially.”
Sentence: All meals prepared by Lt. John Pike.
44) Charlie Sheen
Crimes: Not a “totally bitchin’ rock star from Mars”; more of a deluded mediocrity who was wildly overpaid to play a slightly more sober version of himself. And sorry, Charlie, it takes more than a stage and a few eight balls to be Sam Kinison. While gleefully fulfilling every American’s schadenfreude quota, his “winning” streak & short-lived “comedy” tour ultimately had the devastating effect of subjecting us to yet more Ashton Kutcher.
Smoking Gun: “I’m an F-18, bro.”
Sentence: Shot down by Chinese drones.
43) Bill Adair
Crimes: Oft scolded by conservatives for being too accurate, the Politifact editor sought to remedy its suspected bias with their aptly titled “Lie of the Year,” which was that “Republicans voted to end Medicare.” In the same way that calling a hamburger a cow is accurate, claiming that Paul Ryan’s Medicare-privatizing “Path to Prosperity” would not end the program hangs on the thinnest of linguistic technicalities (an objectively far bigger lie is Ryan’s claim that his plan would “save Medicare”). Adair’s curious choice for Lie of the Year was based in part on an online poll, which was unduly influenced by Paul Ryan himself. So plagued by phony “balance,” Politifact almost never calls out conservatives who deny evolution.
Smoking Gun: In his response to the inevitable outcry, Adair defends his “objective journalism” by quoting two anecdotal straw men.
Sentence: Next time he orders a hamburger, a ketchup-coated cow comes charging out of the kitchen and tramples him.
42) Ed Schultz
Crimes: Called Fox News contributor Laura Ingraham a “right-wing slut,” when everyone knows she’s a right-wing cunt. Considering his past as North Dakota radio’s homeless-bashing Rush Limbaugh doppelgänger, Big Ed’s vein-bulging zeal for Team Democrat seems more an opportunistic sport than an ideological mission. When he couldn’t outdo his sacrosanct right-wing radio competition he abruptly became a Democrat, then rode the anti-Bush wagon to prominence. It wasn’t the first time Schultz switched sides out of expedience. Early in his sports broadcasting career, he reportedly “switched his allegiance from North Dakota State University to rival University of North Dakota after changing stations.” Sets up the most bias-confirming poll in cable news by shouting, “Git yer cell phones out!”
Smoking Gun: “Mr. President, I got a great idea as to where you can send those troops that you just brought home from Iraq. How about Chicago, Illinois and a bunch of other big cities in this country? It’s time we look out for our own backyard, security is an issue.”
Sentence: Routinely mistaken for Limbaugh at Wendy’s drive-through.
41) Sarah Palin
Crimes: Will not go away. So desperate for attention that she mounted the “One Nation” media circus bus tour/family vacation, trolling the press and stalking Republican candidates from state to state. Owes her entire rise to national prominence to the fact that Weekly Standard schmuck Bill Kristol met her on an Alaskan cruise and wanted to bang her. A quitter clinging to the last threads of relevance, Palin’s greatest contribution to society last year was to organize a protest against Barack Obama’s “Road to Ruin” that suggested people drive to their local highways and pull off onto the shoulder…for some reason.
Smoking Gun: “He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”
Sentence: Tapped by Romney for VP, inevitable loss, conciliatory hunting trip, tongue bitten off by wolves.
40) Anthony Weiner
Crimes: Doesn’t know how to properly Tweet, lie, tell the truth, or even philander. Weiner represents everything that’s wrong with the Democratic Party: the craven inability to act and the pathetic ability to fold under pressure. With one errant keystroke, he bestowed upon Andrew Breitbart a wholly unfounded air of credibility. And, you know, obsessively tweeting cock-pics to women he didn’t know.
Smoking Gun: “You know, I can’t say with certitude.”
Sentence: Andrew Breitbart’s wholly unfounded air of credibility.
39) Kim Kardashian
Crimes: Rich and famous solely for being rich and famous. So outraged over the Casey Anthony verdict that she forgot her dead dad helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder. Made $17 million from a scripted wedding to NBA Cro-magnon Kris Humphries that lasted just long enough to count the money. Refuses to contract syphilis, despite having ample opportunity.
Smoking Gun: “I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through.”
Sentence: Middle segment of Kardashian Centipede.
38) Andrew Breitbart
Crimes: A true propagandist for the ultra-wealthy, the man’s mouth shares both proximity and substantive resemblance to the Koch brothers’ assholes. After lucking into Weinergate and bizarrely co-opting the congressman’s press conference, Andy spent the remainder of the year engaging in drunken spats with Sam Seder on Twitter, ineptly smearing the 99% movement, and sweating profusely like a disheveled pig on amphetamines.
Smoking Gun: In a totally proportional response to being called a closet-case, he challenged a conservative Boston crowd to murder his detractors: “We outnumber [liberals] and we have the guns!”
Sentence: Treated for narcissistic personality disorder by Dr. Conrad Murray.
37) Arianna Huffington
Crimes: Got rich by knowingly marrying and then divorcing a gay oil millionaire. Got super-rich by selling her purportedly liberal online plantation of — mostly — unpaid writers to a company that still provides dial-up internet. Publisher of some of the most profoundly stupid, anti-scientific tripe this side of Deepak Chopra’s magical asshole. Serial plagiarist. Calls people “darling” without irony. Breaks up articles into 50-word slide shows in apparent effort to spur workplace shootings.
Smoking Gun: Has given money to Frank Luntz.
Sentence: Plastic surgery obsession culminating in cat-face.
36) Frank Luntz
Crimes: His only ideology being unbridled greed, Luntz would market kitten leukemia if the price was right. Naturally, the people with that kind of cash are typically global warming deniers, crooked politicians, and Wall Street scum. As we saw last year, Luntz spoke at a Republican Governors Association meeting in Florida, helping them craft an arsenal of disingenuous language to dampen the rhetorical resonance of Occupy Wall Street — like conflating ‘government spending’ with ‘waste.’ Luntz has been known to lie outright, as he did during the ’08 primary season when he conducted focus groups in different states that featured the same “undecided voter.” Having been a coauthor of the ’94 “Contract with America,” he’s friends with Newt Gingrich, and unashamed of it.
Smoking Gun: “I’m so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I’m frightened to death.”
Sentence: Shot in the head with a teargas canister.
35) Casey Anthony
Crimes: In a year full of gridlock and near government shutdowns, divisive rhetoric and widespread protest, this graduate from the Pol Pot School of Motherhood — who stuffed her dead 3 year-old in the trunk of her car, dumped her in the woods, and partied for a month before being forced to contact authorities with a slew of sloppy lies — was the only thing to really unite America in a common cause: knowing in the most gruesome detail that we’re better than some monster who murdered a cute white child.
Smoking Gun: Prominent duckface.
Sentence: Must battle Nancy Grace in next season of “Capoeira With the Stars.”
34) Michele Bachmann
Crimes: Protecting America from the gays by marrying them. Setting feminism back a few waves, not because she’s an idiot, which she is, but because she’s a biblical literalist who’s openly subservient to her “gay-repairing” husband. From confusing John Wayne with John Wayne Gacy to insisting that the Founding Fathers fought to end slavery to botching the locales of prominent Civil War battles, the descriptor “gaffe machine” is, for Michele, woefully inadequate. She’s a bald hypocrite, who was an IRS lawyer and the recipient of farm subsidies, and yet carved out her politically backward niche by railing against taxes and government spending. A conspicuous troglodyte, who says she was ordered to run for president by God, Bachmann’s to be counted among the more prominent reasons why when Americans travel abroad they say they’re Canadian.
Smoking Gun: “I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.”
Sentence: Cervical cancer.