33) Dr. Drew Pinsky
Crimes: Is to mental health what Charles Ponzi was to business. A leech on the underbelly of celebrity culture, Pinsky’s built a media franchise on parading reality TV freaks, addicts, and exhibitionists before a nation of insatiable voyeurs under the very thin guise of helping them. A narcissistic prig who thinks he can diagnose people he’s never met, and pay people to enter rehab, Pinsky’s are the offerings of a judgmental prude who shills unethical quackery rather than providing sound psychological assessments.
Smoking Gun: Defended Casey Anthony because she said she was molested.
Sentence: Krokodil addiction, treated by Dr. Phil.
32) Herman Cain
Crimes: The first ever book tour to run for president, the “black walnut” demonstrated beyond any reasonable doubt that he’s incompetent at absolutely everything save for Islamophobia, lobbying on behalf of the disgusting pizza/lung cancer industry, counting to the number 9, ripping off Pokémon, and sexually harassing scores of women who are the approximate height of his wife — whose ignorance of his infidelity he pointed to as proof of his innocence. Blamed the poor for being poor while ostensibly running against the failed economic policies that made them poor.
Smoking Gun: “If you don’t have a job and you are not rich, blame yourself!”
Sentence: President of Uzbecki-becki-becki-stan-stan.
31) Newt Gingrich
Crimes: Polygamous, aggressive when threatened, and insulated by a thick layer of blubber, Newt Gingrich is the walrus of American politics — if walruses were pandering dissemblers who masked their rank hypocrisy with sneering condescension. After cheating on and then leaving his first wife in the cancer ward, while proposing an open marriage to his multiple sclerosis-suffering second wife (because, hey, he was already rutting a young House staffer with no eyelids), Newt led the charge to impeach Clinton for his lack of “family values.” And compared to his record as Speaker, his personal life seems ethical by contrast. Newt fancies himself as the “big ideas” candidate. So far, these big ideas include an $800,000 campaign website, buying fake Twitter followers, a half-million dollar Tiffany’s debt, making children work as janitors, overt racism, pretending that lobbyists are historians, and this just in: making the moon the 51st state of the union.
Smoking Gun: “There’s no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”
Sentence: Charred by an explosion on the set of Transformers 4.
30) Alex Jones
Crimes: The popularity of Jones’s conspiracy theory website and radio show is a testament to America’s failed education system. Worse than exclusively reporting utter nonsense, Jones has the exasperating habit of mixing real stories — like the NDAA — with ridiculous bits about interdimensional “clockwork” elves that commune with and instruct New World Order puppeteers via hallucinogens. The sad result is that when the MSM ignores an important news item — like the NDAA — and it’s picked up by the belligerent Jones, most sane consumers of internet news feel justified in thinking that it must be complete bullshit.
Smoking Gun: “You just can’t make this stuff up!”
Sentence: Jones, Lyndon LaRouche, and the Pope walk into a bar, the building collapses and crushes them all.
29) Peter Haller
Crimes: Who? Maybe you remember the do-nothing SEC employee turned Goldman Sachs’ SEC-lobbying VP as Peter Simonyi. Probably not. In a revolving door masterstroke, he took his mother’s maiden name after he quit Goldman, so when he signed up to work for Chairman Darrel Issa on the toothless House Oversight Committee to block banking regulations no one would notice.
Smoking Gun: He claims that he changed his name to honor his Transylvanian heritage.
Sentence: Staked through the heart.
28) The Waltons
Crimes: In an apparent attempt to goad the 99% movement to incorporate guillotines into their repertoire, just 6 of the Wal-Mart fortune heirs are worth as much as the bottom 30% of all Americans combined. As is the case with the Waltons, this vast economic inequality can only be attained through theft and villainy — outsourcing labor to Chinese slaves, union crushing, hiring illegals, fighting minimum wage increases, child labor violations, taking out life insurance policies on its low-level workers, and every other poverty-creating racket short of paying employees in Wal-Bucks.
Smoking Gun: I bought a heating pad there and it broke in a day.
Sentence: That guillotine thing sounded about right.
27) Paul Ryan
Crimes: Like some free-market wunderkind born of Ayn Rand’s ass, and raised in a Heritage Foundation Skinner Box, Ryan’s subservience to wealth and contempt for society is prodigious. The Wisconsin Congressman’s an utter charlatan — yesterday’s Wall Street bailout cheerleader posing as today’s “fiscally responsible adult” — whose mission to destroy the middle class is so brazen that it gives kleptocracy a bad name. I mean, when Newt Gingrich denounces you for “right-wing social engineering,” you know you’ve gone too far.
Smoking Gun: “The reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand.”
Sentence: Follows Roadmap to America’s Future, turns right at Path to Prosperity, falls off cliff, breaks legs.
26) Rick Santorum
Crimes: So far in the closet, he’s standing next to your dad’s stack of vintage Playboys. Seriously. Not only does this guy conflate homosexuality with bestiality, he thinks all sex is sin unless it’s procreative. A longtime fan of watching scantily clad brutes engage in sweaty, choreographed battle (he actually lobbied for the WWF, blocking steroid screening because pro wrestling’s not a real sport), Santorum’s politics is pure kayfabe where he plays the good sweater-vested God Boy whose duty is to wrestle evil in all its secular incarnations. In reality, however, he’s a shit-stain of biblical proportions who’s guilty of cronyism, defrauding his constituents, screwing over veterans, and defending sexually abusive priests.
Smoking Gun: “As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the eye to come back to the United States.” (OK, that’s from 2006, but it’s a classic)
Sentence: The Blah Plague.
25) Ayn Rand
Crimes: Despite being a long-dead idiot, Rand continues to exert a mystifying control over the minds of America’s Social Darwinist dolts with her misanthropic “philosophy” of unbridled greed. Selling more copies than any other ridiculous tome, save for the Bible, Rand’s ode to tautological soap opera dialogue Atlas Shrugged still plagues the nation’s pseudo-intellectual consciousness in our theaters and on our campuses. As is so often the case with the libertarian occultists, she was an incorrigible hypocrite who collected Medicare and Social Security. And, as a woman who said that a woman should never be president, I think it’s safe to say she was a total bitch.
Smoking Gun: Her favorite television program was “Charlie’s Angels.”
Sentence: Dug up, bones put on eBay; bidding war between Ron Paul, Paul Ryan, and Penn Jillette; proceeds used to lift dozens out of poverty.
24) Peter King
Crimes: Homeland Security Committee Chairman King’s hearings on the imagined “radicalization” of American Muslims has cemented his legacy as the Post-9/11 Joseph McCarthy. His Islamic witch-hunt has simultaneously ignored and fomented the demonstrable radicalization of right-wing Christian groups. Also an apologist for the civilian-killing I.R.A., King is clearly more afraid of melanin than he is terrorism.
Smoking Gun: “85% of American Muslim community leaders are an enemy living amongst us.”
Sentence: Hugged by Muslims.
23) Ron Paul
Crimes: More free market Muppet than man, Paul’s libertarianism is a deeply schizophrenic ideology wherein personal freedom trumps everything — especially personal freedom. Whether it’s regulating women’s uteri under the pretense of “state’s rights,” defending sexual harassers, or hypothetically voting against the Civil Rights Act, Paul’s positions display bewildering lack of intellectual coherence. Most grating (aside from his horrifically racist and homophobic eponymous newsletter, or that he’s a doctor who doesn’t understand evolution), he’s managed to posture as an economic populist, despite the fact that his Randroid quest to eliminate government is the stuff of which oligarchies are made. But he would, like, totally legalize weed, dude.
Smoking Gun: “The notion of a rigid separation between church and state has no basis in either the text of the Constitution or the writings of our Founding Fathers.”
Sentence: Separated indefinitely from “The Precious.”
22) David Frum
Crimes: As Bush’s speechwriter he gave us the “Axis of Evil,” and now he wants us to believe that, in comparison to today’s insane Tea Party set, he represents an endangered levelheadedness of Republicans past. No, we’re sorry. Remorseful as you may feel for lying the country into a tragically pointless war, you don’t get to capitalize by pitting your purported moderate pragmatism against today’s partisan extremism which you helped catalyze with fear, deceit, and pure political cynicism — and be taken seriously! — without first penning an apologetic tome in your own blood, tattooing said tome across every inch of your naked flesh, and being forced to read it with your too-close-together-eyes every goddamn day for the rest of your scarred and dismal existence. A very sensible demand, considering.
Smoking Gun: While some were quick to blame lax gun laws, Sarah Palin, or mental illness for Jared Loughner’s Arizona death-spree, Frum had the temerity to speculate that the real cause was pot.
Sentence: Found hanging in his closet, pants around his ankles, Abu Ghraib torture pic still glued to his limp semen-coated hand.
21) Frank Miller
Crimes: The Stephenie Meyer of comic books, Miller has all the literary & political depth of a masturbating squirrel. His rampant Islamophobia and puerile fantasies of female gangs clad in thigh-high leather stilettos notwithstanding, Frank’s finally disabused the very thin notion that he’s not, in fact, a total retard. In a post on his Web site, he bravely defended — just like Batman would — the valiant oligarch-class from the villainous scourge of OWS by reminding us that 9/11 happened. And just when we’d all totally forgotten about it.
Aggravating Factor: “These [OWS] clowns can do nothing but harm America.”
Sentence: Dialogue inker for Dan Clowes.
20) Steve Jobs
Crimes: Got rich lifting other people’s ideas; got richer by melding marketing with spirituality to sell environment-destroying status symbols made by Chinese children to oblivious, cultish prigs. He was a paranoid tyrant who abused his employees, exacted totalitarian control over iPhone apps under the puritanical guise of protecting kids from teh pr0n, and he even ruled over a private Apple security force — which has actually raided people’s houses. Jobs’s greatest offense was his hippie idiocy. He put off surgery for nearly a year, treating his cancer with fruit juice and acupuncture. And when he finally came to his senses, he used a pittance of his horded fortune — used only on black turtlenecks and dad jeans — to buy a house in Tennessee, skipping to the front of the liver donation line. And, yet, I totally want an iPad.
Smoking Gun: Siri’s a sexist asshole.
Sentence: “I don’t understand ‘sentence’. Would you like me to look that up for YOU?!”
19) Michael Bloomberg
Crimes: A neo-feudal lord who bought his political power and then used his “army” to put down a peasant uprising. Bloomberg touted his commitment to free speech, then under the flimsiest pretext of public health and safety he ordered his goons to clear Occupy Wall Street by force, destroy books, and ban/arrest any journalist who dared report on his authoritarian tactics. And then, likely as PR cover for the NYPD’s decade-long mission to spy on Muslims, he blew up a car to remind us how scary terrorism can be…to cars that the NYPD blows up to remind us how scary terrorism can be.
Smoking Gun: “I have my own army”.
Sentence: Dragged out of his home in the middle of the night by hair, pepper-sprayed, punched in the face, neck pinned to ground with knee, cuffed behind back too-tightly with plastic ties, beaten with sticks, thrown into van, possessions destroyed, held for a weekend, and released of his own recognizance into a pit of vipers.
18) Rick Scott
Crimes: A vampiric parasite, rivaled only by Creed for the loudest sucking sound to ever come out of Florida, Scott made his private health care fortune by bribing doctors, stealing billions from Medicare, closing hospitals, shilling homeopathic snake oil — and viciously attacking any reform that would cut into his mostly uninsured customer base. As the Tea Party-backed anti-stimulus candidate for governor, a company he partially owns collected $60 million in stimulus funds. He personally spent $73 million barely becoming governor, and then refused millions in federal health care money, so that many Floridians would still patronize his criminally awful Solantic walk-in clinics. Paid lip service to “small government” ideals while trying to mandate expensive Big Brother drug tests for welfare recipients and state employees. The consummate Koch fiend, Scott’s MO is to cry poverty, and sell off state prisons, schools, bridges, roads, etc. to the highest bidder. He’s so despised in Florida that his endorsement would’ve tarnished even the reputation of American Caligula Newt Gingrich.
Smoking Gun: “I’ve got a quote in my office: ‘First they came for the Jews, and I wasn’t a Jew so I didn’t say anything…’ We shouldn’t be allowing candidates to attack people in business, we should be saying… ‘That’s us.’”
Sentence: Scott experiences a dull ache in his leg while campaigning for reelection at a Kissimmee Wal-Mart in 2014. He visits the conveniently located in-store Solantic clinic which misdiagnoses his deep vein thrombosis as a sprain. Three days later, as he addresses a convention of gourmet mushroom growers, the blood clot reaches his lung mid-sentence and he collapses on the floor. His final words are: “I like the taste of shiit–”
17) Jerry Sandusky
Crimes: Has been inside more kids than have Happy Meals. Used his Second Mile charity to lure dozens of children into showers, where, in a dadaesque call to Bob Costas on “Rock Center with Brian Williams,” he admitted to touching them. When asked pointblank by Costos if he’s sexually attracted to children, his stalling echolalia about ‘enjoying’ children made Michael Jackson’s denials seem plausible in retrospect.
Known Accomplices: Penn State faculty, Joe Pa et al, whose systemic cover-up is rivaled only by the Catholic Church.
Smoking Gun: The title of his autobiography is Touched.
Sentence: Repeatedly raped by cellmate.